Week 4, Day 5 - Another Chance

If I've learned anything in my professional training this last year, it's that you cannot...simply CANNOT...succeed without failure.  Einstein failed at his relativity theory time and again...but he finally got it right.  Edison failed nearly 1,000 times before he created a successful lightbulb.  Babies fail thousands of time when they're learning to walk.  The key is that they get up and go again.  They never give up!

Fighting this war with my weight is a bit like learning to walk.  I have to learn the things that I can and cannot eat in order to lose...and then learn to maintain once I get to my goal.  Failure IS an option (and a reality), but only as a stumbling block on the road to success.  It is QUITTING that will kill me.  Probably literally.  So if there's one thing I absolutely cannot do, it is quit.  As long as I keep trying, even if it's a half-assed effort, this long and winding road will lead to success. 

Week 4, Day 4 - Admission of Guilt

I've been crappy about posting because I've been crappy about following my program.  The weekend was hell on me again.  I had absolutely no desire to stay within the limits.  Ugh!!  I have to stop this sabotage.  I need to figure out what is going on in th back of my brain.  The part of me that doesn't want to loose weight is taking control, and I have to do something about it.

I think I've said before (a few times, I'm sure) that I do best when I journal reguarly.  Well, just look at my irregularity these last 2 weeks and you can practically see when my slide happened. 

So here I go again.  I'm going to make it a point to journal a minimum of every day...but especially on the weekends.  Perhaps I should journal or write something instead of eating!    That's actually a really good idea.  I can't type and eat at the same time.  Today was a good example of that.  I was working on writing some articles and noon to 2:30 evaporated.  That's a good thought.  I'll be able to make progress with my articles (a big project I've put on myself) and keep up with my journal. 

Anybody want to hold me accountable?  Send me nasty grams if I go more than 2 days without a journal entry?  Really...I mean it!

Week 3 Weigh In

I've been having a bad week, so that's why I've not been around except to log my weight.  Frankly, things have been pure Hell as far as diet is concerned.  On average, I've been eating an extra 800-1,000 calories a day.  Because the Smart for Life program is only 800-900, it hasn't been enough to make me gain weight, but my loss for the week was 1.0 pound...scale showed 212.  I should be trilled, but I'm pissed off at myself because I know better. 

I've been eating from boredom mostly.  It started last weekend because I let myself have a semi "free" day on Saturday.  For me, that always turns into a weeklong thing.  I should know that and not allow myself such freedom.  It's that kind of eating that got me to where I am in the first place.

The bathroom scale showed 210.4 though...so that's something.  I'll do better this week.  I can't...I won't let myself get the better of me!  My next reward is at 210.0.  A dozen roses for the house and a nice plant for my office cube.  I NEED to hit that this week...before the Valentine's Day price hike.  Oh, and I've decided to base my rewards on weekly weigh-in weights instead of daily home weights.  No reason...just because I want to.

Week 3, Day 4 - Hanging In

I hate that my blogs lately have been downright depressing! Most moments of my days are really good. I seem to write more when I’m feeling down. Perhaps I should work on that and blog about the good as well. Starting now.

I had a rough weekend. Nilla wafers and chocolate chips were my downfall. Even so, I was 211.6 on Friday and 211.0 today…managed to lose 0.6 over the weekend. Yay!! I can’t let that be a license to go off my plan though. I know I messed up, but I knew what I was doing and knew it wasn’t going to be helpful to the scale. 

Today is a new day! I’m looking forward to it, really. The weather isn’t great, but it’s not icy or snowy. Just cold with a biting wind. 

I can’t go to my OA meeting tonight because my babysitter is out of town. That makes me sad, but I’ve known for a week, so I can’t let it ruin my life. Last Monday, she also gave me notice that she’ll no longer be able to sit after Feb 11. However, she’s such a sweetie and has talked to several of her friends…one of whom I’ll be interviewing this week or next. I also have a 2nd lead from craigslist, and need to set up a meeting with her. Again…yay!! I’ve had so much trouble keeping babysitters. Okay, I lie…most of the time it’s me not asking them to stick around because they do (or don’t do) something they were supposed to do…like showing up on time or not getting the girls in bed before I get home at 9:30 on Monday nights! I’m hoping that one of these new finds works out well and sticks around for more than a couple of months. It’s hard work breaking in a new sitter. And it’s not fair to the girls. Oh, how I wish I was wealthy and could afford a nanny.

Week 2 Weigh In

I saw 212.4 on the scale again this morning.  My "official" or should I say "office visit" weight for the week was 213...down a full 3 pounds from last week.  That's 6 pounds in 2 weeks.  Guess I have no place to complain, do I?  A part of me is disappointed that it wasn't more, but I am just mentally ready to reach another new low...one I haven't hit six times in the last year.  Ya know?  In a couple of weeks (assuming the 3 pound trend continues), I'll be more excited about losses...promise!

I opted to replace some of the cookies this week with shakes.  That will be good for a change.  I had a "perfect" day yesterday...for a change!  Didn't have a single bite of anything that wasn't on my plan.  I'm planning for the same kind of day today.  So far, so good, but I haven't hit my hard time of day yet.  I usually hit a rough patch about an hour after dinner. 

Week 2, Day 6 - Struggling

I'm having issues.  Okay, I always have issues...lots of them.  This time it's with accepting that I can't have what I want.  I'm not going to tell you what it is that I want, because I don't want to plague anyone else with my problem.  Just know that it's not anything that's good for me. 

Admittedly, this week has been easier than last week was.  I'm really paying attention to how long it is between cookies, and we eat at about the same time each evening.  Unfortunately, I feel like things are going to come crushing down around me soon.  I hate that feeling, and am trying to fight it off. 

I've lost 2 pounds since my last weigh-in day, but I'm being selfish and think I should have lost more.  Weigh-in #2 is tomorrow...we'll see what the scale says.

By the grace of God, every day in every way I'm geting better and better.

Week 2, Day 3 - making myself sick

The stupid thing is that I know better.

I have been making myself sick with aspartame "poisoning".  Back in '96, I went through an awful period of headaches and dizziness.  It took three different doctors and a full elimination diet to figure out that the problems were caused by excessive consumption of aspartame in the form of Diet Coke and the brand of low fat yogurt I was eating at the time.  I was okay when I had just a little, but when it's a regular part of my diet, the symptoms return.

Over the past 11 years, I've been good at mostly staying away from the stuff.  I drink Diet Dr. Pepper a day, but that's usually it.  Occasionally, I'll make sugar-free jell-o, but not on a regular basis.  As a result, I'd forgotten just how cloudy my head gets when I drink too many "regular" diet drinks.  I've been downing Crystal Light like mad, and I know that's the main culprit.  I was fine with 1 Diet Dr. Pepper a day.  This is just insane. 

As of today, I am cutting the aspartame completely and going strictly to Splenda for sweetener.  That means if I want soda, it will have to be Pepsi One, Diet Rite, Diet 7-up or Diet Coke with Splenda.  For water flavorings, I'll go strictly to Water Sensations.  That also means I'll be drinking a lot more plain water which, quite frankly, I can't stand.  But if it helps clear my head, I'll do it.  This dizzy crap is for the birds. 

Week 2, Day 2 - It works if I work it...

I just finished reading the January edition of OA's Lifeline magazine.  I wish I'd read it earlier as I feel a lot more serene than I have in a few days.  I've also managed to get rid of the feeling that I want to binge on anything and everything in the fridge. 

I've been fighing with the urge to eat all day long and have lost.  In addition to the food on my plan, I had a cupcake and a half (though no frosting, and made with applesauce instead of oil) as well as half a dozen mini nilla wafers.  Ugh!  Tomorrow has to be better!

I'll have to remember that reading the magazine works.  Also need to remember that I can go to online meetings when I need to, and I don't have to wait for Monday night to roll around.

As for fluids, I'm at 5 (20oz) bottles of water, 4 (16oz) cups of half-decaf coffee, and 3 (12oz) cans of soda...200 ounces, but more caffeine than I usually have.

Week 2, Day 2 - Rewarding Progress

I'm having a great morning so far!  My body released 1.4 pounds in the last 24 hours.  The better news is that I'm no longer constipated. Ewwwww!  I know...sorry. 

For the first time in my dieting adventures, I've decided to reward myself as I go down the scale. I think I need the extra motivation.  Actually, I decided this a month ago and forgot to post about it! 

I've added a special category to my budget to save up for some of the more expensive items.  The biggest step for me with this is making each goal non-food oriented.  My first reward is at 5 pounds lost (which would be 213), and after that I'll go for even 10 pound increments.  Here's what I have planned at this point:

• 213 - Neverwinter Nights 2 pc game
  
• 210 - boquet of roses at home and a plant for my office
• 199 - movie night out
• 190 - massage
• 180 - chair for bedroom
• 170 - full-length floor mirror
• 160 - spa day
• GOAL - clothes shopping spree!!

When I get to my goal, I'm also going to find someone to do a photoshoot. This is going to be fun!

Week 2, Day 1 - TGIF!

Today, I paid a lot better attention to the amount of time between meals than I had the rest of the week.  As a result of that and taking the diucaps, I'm feeling much better.  I also made sure to cut back on the amount of water I drank during the day.  One 16oz cup of coffee, four 20oz bottles of water, and one 20oz soda so far today.  A "mere" 116oz total.  That's still a LOT of liquid, and only the soda had caffeine.  I'll have another 20oz bottle of water during the evening hours.  Why is it so much easier to drink when I'm at my desk than when I'm at home?

The only problem I face tonight is not wanting to eat.  If the girls take as long to go to sleep tonight as they did last night (over an hour), it won't be an issue.