and another thing

I have noticed that I have started waiting until my DH leaves and then I'll eat stuff I'm not supposed to.  He never says anything, but I think maybe I feel guilty about what I'm eating.  It's shameful, really, that I am sneaking or hiding to eat.  I have become the one thing I never thought I would be: an overeater.  I realized last night that I like the way food is in my mouth, like a warm brownie (one of my favorite desserts), it just feels comforting.

I wonder when this began?  Why is it happening?  I know I've been overweight almost since I moved to MD (and got online).  Maybe I should look long and hard at myself and find out what is possibly really bothering me to make me embrace food the way I have.

I'm back!

Well, it's been almost a year since I've posted, and that is mostly due to laziness.  I haven't lost, nor really gained, anything.  I sometimes feel like I am destined to be 180-190 for the rest of my life!!  I am afraid I will blow up if I get pregnant.  I am trying to eat better, but not trying hard enough.

I just got a job in PA, so I will be moving at the end of August, and my DH will stay in MD until the condo is sold, or until he lands a job in PA also.  We will see each other maybe once during the week and every weekend.  Still it's difficult and scary thinking about not having him with me.  We'll stay with my mom until we find the house we want, because it's easier to leave her house than to break a lease on an Apt.  I am a little scared to go to work in Harrisburg, because it is the same building I left 8yrs ago, only now I'm fatter (40lbs) and wear a scarf on my head (I'm Muslim now).  I shouldn't care what anyone thinks, but I do a little.

I think that some of this stuff is causing me stress, but that can't explain the past 7mos, when we hadn't decided on anything firm about moving.

I hope everyone is doing well, and that your weight loss goals are happening for you.  Please keep me in your thoughts and send positive signals my way so that I start shedding some weight!

not good

Well, I'm feeling extra blue today.  I think Aunt Flo is circling the parking lot waiting for a place to park, but still.....I hate feeling like this.  I think part of my weight issue right now is my cothes.  I wear looser fitting things, and longer shirts now that I'm Muslim (from an Islamic site, so it's MADE for a woman), but sometimes I still feel frumpy.  I've begun wearing my hair in a "wrap" style scarf, with it tight on my head and a nice stylish kind of knot in the back at the base of my head (my "baby steps" to wearing full blown headscarf).  I know what I'm wearing is best.....it's modest,and the only person who gets to benefit from seeing all of ME is my husband, but still, sometimes it makes me feel like, "What the heck, I'm already dressing like a sack....what does it matter if I'm fit or not?"  Some other Muslims sisters go on walks around this lake, and play tennis, etc, but one is retired, one is a stay at home mom, and the other is a teacher, off for the summer but also out on maternity leave.  I feel like a FAT and LAZY slob when I don't go walking.  I work from 7:30am - 5:30pm M-Th, and then 8am - 12pm Fri, and when I get done during the week, I don't feel like going around a lake for another hour or two.  I feel like my time is evaporating.  I need a day planner or something.  It's like time is slipping through my fingers, and what have I DONE??!  So they get fit, and I stay home and eat.  Sick.  Even the girl who just had a baby 10 weeks ago is smaller than I am.  UGH!!

Anyway, I'm rambling.  I know this blue funk will pass, but I just wish I was in a better mood.  The weather has been great, but it feels like cloudy days in my heart.

Tuesday

Well, hopefully my eating today hasn't blown my small victory of the weekend.  I had a cold and wasn't very hungry, so I think that contributed to the weight loss.

I also am trying to cut all portions in half when eating out.  I am going to make it a point to ask for a "to go" box right up front and put half my meal in it before I start.  When I was in sales, I remember a girl from some other country came into the store I worked in.  She said it was no wonder Americans were so big, the portions here are out of control.  That was before 2001.  You would think I would have taken her advice back then.  Nope.

I think the Food industry makes a lot of money on Americans, and they certainly don't want to stop now.  The health care industry will get more money on "research" of obesity and how to control it, so keeping people fat is a lucrative business.  But think about it.....most of us were probably not THAT overweight when we were young, and we had PE, we ran around after school, on weekends and in the summer.  We got OUT, and we MOVED.  Now, kids sit behind a video game, PE is just about dead in schools, and no one gets out much at all anymore.  We need to take back control of our lives and say FORGET YOU to the food industry and start loving ourselves enough to make better choices.  Sure I'd love the cheesy fattening entree, but I won't love ME later.....I'll be disgusted with myself and just plain PISSED that I ate so bad. 

I am going to keep on my friends on here, and make sure they do not give up.  We can all do this.  We have to.

I made it!!

I finally got below 180!!!!  I can't believe it, and I don't know how I did it either!  I am going to really try and watch what I'm eating, so I can get down to below 170, then 160, etc.  I'm very excited and happy!

Hot

We have decided to keep the air off, since Baltimore Gas & Electric has hit their customer's with a 72% increase.  They will stagger it over the next year, but our bill still went up almost $100 (and that is with an almost $200 credit!!).  We were running the air constantly, so now we're just sucking it up and sweating a bit.

I have been doing kind of bad.  I haven't been eating healthy, and our house is in shambles.  For those who are on the forum, after the post about clean houses, I think most people would run screaming from our condo if they saw the kitchen.  I don't kill spiders, and so there are some cobwebs.  I actually like to see my little cricket friend in the bathroom from time to time.  He's not dirty, and he stays away from the toothbrushes and whatnot.  I just feel GUILTY killing stuff, except mosquitos, ticks, fleas and if I saw one....roaches.  Spiders, crickets, other flying bugs, bees, cicadas......they get the "glass and mag" treatment.....cover them with a glass, and slip a magazine under the glass.  Walk outside and give them a boost over the balcony.  Okay, I'm rambling.

I have eaten turkey, egg & cheese on a croissant TWO days in a row, with Burger King #1 for lunch yesterday.  Today I was better and had a wrap for lunch, but still.  I WANT so bad to get back in shape.  I see my pictures of me with my little four pack.....I hear regga and I can SEE myself with a little cropped shirt, showing off my abs and whining.  Not that I will be DOING that, but I IMAGINE it (the cropped shirt and whining part that is.....the getting in shape I will do!).

I don't want to get huge when (God willing) I get pregnant, and I'm afraid I'll never lose any baby weight I may gain.  I shouldn't worry about baby weight until such time as God decides to bless us with one, but I THINK about that stuff. 

We're going out of town this weekend, and next weekend getting company.  I have this Friday and next to get the house in some semblance of order.  I wish I could just have the strength to throw everything out and start over.  I think once the place is in good, ORGANIZED shape, the eating more "organized" will come more easily.

chips

And queso.  Yep, that was my dinner again tonight.  Sad, isn't it?  I had an Arabic class tonight and by the time I got home from work, it was just about time to leave for class.  Sooooo, I mixed the roasted red pepper veggie dip with some Tostito's Queso, and voila!  Din-din.  It was pretty good too, with some Blue Corn Chips.  And 15 chips is only 3 WW points!!  Who knew?!?!?

Anyway, I've been feeling really FULL lately, and somewhat bloated.  Like my stomach is sticking out and I just can't help it.  I know I can still suck it in, but it feels funny none the less.  Mind you, the 4 pack is gone, but I know it's just hiding under all the "excess" I have.

Well, it's time to make the mornings joe and then head off to the Land of Nod.  I hope everyone has a nice, well rested evening.

rainy days and mondays....

Well, today wasn't so great, and neither was the weekend, but this morning, standing on the scale sans clothes, I somehow lost ONE pound.  Better than nothing.  I just have to clean out the fridge and get on the ball.  I need my Laughing Cow.  I have strawberries at work, so tomorrow I'm set there.  I have to stop going to the store hungry.  Or coming home from work hungry.

Today, I had a bagel with egg, turkey,  and cheese (swiss and american).  Lovely.  Then for lunch?  Beef jerky.  Sooo very healthy.  Might as well just inflate me, because with all that sodium, I'm bound to swell.  The jerky was sort of a snack, but due to a late meeting, I didn't get lunch, so it became lunch.  I ate 2 "One Point Bars" from WW, which held me over until dinner.  I came home, had some cheese and crackers, then some blue corn chips and queso, hmmmm, oh, then I had ICE CREAM at Maggie Moos.  It was the "Udderly Cream" and "Cheesecake" mixed together with some non pareils.  Only the guy, instead of giving me a regular, gave me enough for a large, and charged me a regular price.  THANKS BUDDY.  I'm feeling very full, but praying I didn't totally sabotage my ONE POUND.

I have been doing good with water, and Sin, I will really try and walk tomorrow at lunch if it isn't too hot.  I can't come back and shower at work, so maybe after work if it's too hot at 1pm. 

I really appreciate all the nice words from folks, and I wish everyone BIG LOSSES!!  I know I've said that before, but I mean it.  I've found some really great people on here, and I want to keep in touch.  I think we women are pitted against each other a lot in society, often times by men in some vain attempt at pumping up their egos.  Men LOVE to have women fight over them (sadly, there are a few of those kind at my job).  But we should all stick together and have each other's backs.

I have much more fun in the company of women than I do around men (except my husband, who makes me laugh daily).  Mind you, when Muslim sisters get together, it IS just women, and that was one of the things that got me over the "hump" that was my roadblock to becoming Muslim (the reasons it took so long seem so silly now.....which is another story for another time).  In Ramadan 2004, some girls (one of whom had already become Muslim some months before), went to an "iftar" (breaking of the fast at Ramadan), and it was SO MUCH FUN!!!  So much comraderie!!  No cattiness or hate, or any of that garbage.  I wanted more.  That wasn't what finally got me to embrace Islam, but the warm feeling I got lead me to believe I was making the right decision, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I became Muslim (and it was actually only about a month after that that I did).  I saw that women can have FUN and not be all competitive.  I could go on and on, but I'm afraid I'd bore everyone. 

But honestly.......if I could have a wish, it would be that we could all get together for coffee or tea and a nice big SALAD (fruit or greens), and just chat and have fun!!

Okay, I'm off to bed!  Talk to everyone later!!

Yep, it's 3

I gained not 1, not 2, but 3.8 pounds.  I guess that's just about 4 pounds, darnit. 

I'm hot, and you'd think I'd be uninterested in eating.  Not so.  I think since my father-in-law went back to Morocco, it's like a bad eating free for all.  We kind of had to eat better when he was here, plus I was ashamed to eat junk in front of him, lest he think me some horribly unhealthy person.  My husband got about -0- sleep over the weekend in NYC (taking his dad back, meeting up with some Moroccan friends), and was beat, so he went to bed right after work on Monday.  Me?  I had COOKIES and milk for dinner.  Lovely.   The only good thing was on Saturday night it was so infernally hot in the apartment in Queens (Moroccan friends), that I swore I must have sweated off at least a pound.  The scale, or course, tells me something else.

I keep saying I've gotta get back on track, but I really must.  This weekend is "major overhaul" weekend in the condo, so we're going to get the place in shape, and then stock the fridge with foods that are healthy.  I cannot be out of shape.  I want to have kids, and do not want to be huffing and puffing just to keep up with them.  I huff and puff now, but not that badly.  But if I don't rein it in, it will only get worse.

Wish me luck.

back

Well, here it is, Thursday night, and I've really fallen off the wagon.  I must get a handle on it or I'll be heavier than I began this thing.  I'm not sure what is going on.  I have some medical (female) issues going on, but that can't be causing it I'm sure.  My father in law is going back on Saturday =o(  and I am really sad about that.  I think I'm just being lazy, and have tasted "bad" food again and can't drag myself back over the the good again.

I have to do better.  I just have to.

I'm still annoyed about the situation in the world, but what can I do?  I was thinking of looking into getting a protest arranged for DC with some local mosques.  Condemning Israel's ridiculous over reaction to what happened (and Hezbolla's flagrant disregard for innocent civilians).  How many Lebanese have been "kidnapped" by Israeli's and still languish in prison?

Anyway, this isn't the place.  I wish all of you really good  and healthy eating, and that we are all winners while being "losers."