| Height: | |
| Start weight: | 222.50lb |
| Current weight: | 222.00lb |
| Goal weight: | 197.50lb |
| Lost to date: | 0.50lb |
| Remaining: | 24.50lb |
| 2 |
| December '08 |
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4 Vanilla Coke Zeros
2 Chocolate Chip Cookies from Kneaders
6 ounces roast beef
2 tablespoons Jack in the Box Ranch
8 ounces coffee
1 packet Cappuccino - Medifast
4 pieces Lindt chocolate
2 Morning Star Spicy Black Bean Burgers
5 grilled teriyaki shrimp
I've been M.I.A. from the weight loss world. I get overwhelmed with real life and try to crawl into a hole and hide. I should know by now that doesn't work. :) Below is part of an email I sent to my health coach/friend. I'm sure that if I really thought about it I could find more stuff in my life that is stressing me the* BEEP* out...but I'll just leave it at the list below.
Here's the run down of what's been going on:
Medifast - I am off plan. I'm not ballooning up, but I am not on plan how I should be. I am taking this coming week off and not pressuring myself. Teaching starts August 12. That is my re-start date. Then I can re-establish my routine and get back into the swing of things. I'm also not beating myself up. lol. Below you will see that I have so many other issues right now that beating myself up really isn't necessary!
Greg- We officially ended things about three weeks ago. I started sleeping in the spare bedroom and he eventually figured out that I was never going to share a bed with him again. He didn't do so well with the news and now he's gone into the try to fix it mode. Cleaning, exercising, walking the dogs, etc. The other day he even had the "can we still have sex" talk with me. I was like, ummmm NO.
Moving - I move all of my storage stuff on August 17 and then I actually move out on August 22. I had hoped to stay here longer and save up some money, but after the sex talk I decided that moving ASAP would be a good thing. Along with he's been heavily drinking and slightly suicidal. I'm moving into a house with two other people. I have to leave two of my dogs with Greg until I find a solution for them. But I will be safe and he won't know where I live. My two roomies are guys and in a good way that adds some extra protection in case he does find out where I live and show up. I haven't told Greg yet, of course, since I don't want to be stuck in an increased level of hell for three more weeks.
Work - I did get picked up for teaching again this year. I didn't want to, but I NEED a paycheck. So, I'm writing and launching the Special Education Reading Program. We have a large amount of new administration this year...which will be interesting. My plan is to do my work and stay in my room. lol. My boss is aware that I am not getting a degree in special education...we just aren't telling anyone.
School - *slams head against the wall*
Okay, school is insanely complicated right now.
August 20 I start the MBA program with University of Phoenix...as planned.
BUT (isn't there always a but?)
to be able to re-certify for teaching I need 6 education credits. Until those credits hit my transcript I am a long-term substitute (paid by day and no benefits). That means without those credits I get no insurance. No insurance means no cervical surgery. I was supposed to have the surgery in August. Now the earliest I can have it done is October.
August 18 I start two on-line classes for 3 of the credits I need.
August 23 I start a five week long class for the other 3 credits. That class meets Saturday and Sunday from 8a.m. to 5p.m.
...sigh... Temptations.
Amber wants to know how we deal with them. Well, how I deal with them. I'm weak for Arby's. I drive by it each time I come home from the post office...which has been a lot since I'm selling lots of stuff on eBay. So, I have limited my shipping days to Monday and Thursday. Other than those days I stay away from that section of town. I need to work on not eating there on those days. I also keep in mind how I look naked. I'm searching for my perfect match. I want a man that is hott, so I need to be hott in return. Right now I'm not so thrilled about nakedness. I do it out of necessity, but I still won't wear a swim suit. lol. I've removed temptations from my home and realistically I'm too lazy to go to Chevron and buy junk. My other tip to dealing with temptation is to be broke. I'm freaking broke. Each time I buy food that is not in my plan I am taking money away from myself that I need for other things (bills, gas).
...sigh...
The love/hate relationship. I have it with so many things. My main love/hate focus right now is the scale and the treadmill. I do not enjoy exercising. Yet, I want to lose weight. There is only so much you can do with food control before exercise is necessary and unfortunately I'm at that point. Well, I also want to live an active lifestyle, but that is kind of secondary to weight loss. lol. I love when the scale shows me a new, low, exciting number! I hate when I don't see those low numbers as often as I would like. Which leads to the role of the treadmill. I hate the treadmill. Yet, I love when it helps me see low numbers on the scale. So, I am stuck in this love/hate relationship for a very long time.
I would just pop on my iPod, leash up my dog and hit the pavement to get my two miles of walking in, but it is SOOOOOO hot here that if I don't do it at 5 a.m. then I will end up with heat exhaustion issues. Until the "fall" I am stuck on the treadmill. :)
Today has been funky for me. I was recovering from sleep deprivation. I'm avoiding my used to be boyfriend who I am stuck living with. I refer to him as "the unwanted". Ran errands and really have no clue where my day has gone. So, now it is almost 8 p.m. and I'm cramming meals in. As I lost track of my day I lost track of eating. Or in my case, not eating. This morning I saw a new number on the scale...219.0. I was thrilled! BUT I also have to admit that a tiny little part of me wanted to go into starvation mode.
I struggle with control problems. I grew up with having a very termultuous life and controlling my food was one of the few things I could count on. I'm one of those weird people who has not only struggled with one eating disorder, but two. Ironically they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Throughout my teens I struggled with anorexia multiple times. My family expressed love based on what you looked like. Early on I figured out that boys also gave you more attention if you looked good versus if you were chubby. I also struggle with extreme eating. I used to sit down and eat an entire pizza. Like a large pepperoni from pizza hut. Not an at home Totino's pizza. I'd easily woof down a whole box of mac & cheese and then go on the prowl for more food. Eating or not eating has been something I have struggled with for at least ten years.
Luckily I have a really great best friend (Amber) who is aware of my past struggles and makes sure I'm not going over the edge. Today was close, but I am not going back to that place. I am losing weight in a healthy, life changing way. I hate that I have urges to eat everything in sight or to not eat at all. Right now I am being healthy, but part of me (the non-fatty) snubs food. A fellow medifaster once said, "cookies are fat people laughing at you". To some people this saying wouldn't make sense, but to me it is very powerful. It keeps me from stopping at Kneaders. From picking up a bottled frappuccino at Wal-Mart, from drinking a real coke, from eating a cupcake. I teach high school and part of me wants to be the hott teacher. Not the frumpy special ed teacher that gen ed doesn't take seriously. I just need to be the hott teacher who got there in a healthy way. :)
Here's my recent photo to complete the blog challenge. lol. This was actually about a month ago, but not too many pounds away.
Today is the start of the Biggest Loser Challenge. I have committed myself to three months of exercise and accountability. Even though I've been on my weight loss program for five months I have stumbled many times. Honestly it hasn't been until the last two and a half weeks that I've been incredibly serious about it.
One of the reasons I listed for wanting to lose weight is because I don't want to die like my mom. My entire life she struggled with her weight. And it was a battle she lost. At five feet tall she was around 350 pounds. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to move. When I was younger I used to tell her that she needed to just walk more and I sincerely couldn't understand why it was SO difficult for her. In January when I started my weight loss program I was 244. That made me 114 pounds overweight. I could barely climb up stairs. I couldn't play with my dogs. If I had to run to save my life I wouldn't be able to. I can't even imagine adding another 100 pounds to that pluse diabetes and some mini-strokes.
Looking at the number 114 really hurt me. How did this happen??? Six years ago I was 150 and looked good at it. Then the self evaluation started. In just four months I had gained 24 pounds. In six years soooo much had happened and I'd just eaten my way through it. Left home, bad marriage, military wife, deployments, cheating, divorce, betrayal, mom passing away, more heartache, college, work, stress, emotions, socializing. I'd eaten my way through all of it. I'd also lost myself. Food had become my addiction. My obsession. The way I identified myself. I had sacrificed things I loved to do because I had a torrid affair with food. No horseback riding because my back and hips couldn't take it with me being overweight...and that was only a year into the food journey.
Food is what I went to for all occassions. For happiness, sadness, disappointment (plenty of that), bad days, stress. I've always been good about drugs and alcohol. But food, well, that isn't a drug....or is it? My torrid affair with food has ended. I want my life back. I want myself back. I want to ride horses again and try things that I have never tried...like snowboarding and hiking. I want to complete daily tasks without feeling winded.
Food was the friend. And exercise was the enemy. I still don't love exercise and I may never LOVE it. But it is necessary. It is how I battle the food monsters.
I want a family at some point and I need to be strong and healthy for them. I need to be a positive role model for my children and teach them how to eat nutritously and that exercise can be fun. I feel like my family cheated me out of having weight/food/exercise success and now at 24 I have to learn all that stuff. I see pictures of my brother and sister and they are incredibly obese. It makes me ANGRY. They don't deserve that. They don't deserve to spend their entire childhood as the fat kid. They don't deserve being judged by their family members because they are fat. (On my dads side of the family love came with being skinny.)
Whew. So, today I start the challenge. I am committed. Weak days, strong days, it doesn't matter what type of day it is there is no reason to use food to deal with it. I want to eat to live...not live to eat. And I want to bring sexy back! ;)
