I tell ya', I can't say Johnny never did anything for me! I'm down 14 pounds! Yesterday all I was able to stomache was half a Yoplait yogurt. Today all I ended up eating was a small soft taco that I made with ground beef, tomato, a little cheese and about 1/2 tsp of sour cream. And I only ate half of that! That's all I ate for the whole day today was the half a burrito, OH! that's not true, plus two sugar cookies my sweet little girls decorated for me after we made them.
So yeah, yesterday he told me he doesn't love me anymore. It broke my heart. I have never felt this pain in all my life, even with losing my Mom to cancer, it wasn't this intense of a pain, and I LOVED my Mom. This is a deep down rip your soul out hurt. I freaked, I mean, really REALLY freaked. He said he's stay and try to work it out. He'd give it a year. I think a year's too long. I give it until the end of the year. If he doesn't have his shit together by December, then I'm not wasting another year on him.
Anyway, I'm 178 now. Wow. I can't believe it's still February and I'm in the 170's I'm shocked. My clothes are so baggy on me. I just realized this afternoon that when I went to the bathroom I went to pull my size 14's up and I hadn't unbuttoned them! LOL! That was a kick! I need to stop wearing them too, when I'm holding Anthony, and even when I'm not, they start sliding down and almost fall off if I don't pull them up! I only have one other paid that fit me though. I don't want to spend a whole lot on clothes until I'm at the weight I want to be at. I don't want to get comfortable at a big weight, you know?
With everything that's going on between me and Johnny it's been real hard to be motivated. This morning I stepped on the scale and it said 180. It was tipping between 180 and 179, I always go with the higher number. I can't even BELIEVE I'm so close to being out of that humungous zone. My face looks so much better. I don't have that disgusting double, or triple chin anymore. That alone makes me feel better. If only my arms would start looking better. That would help too. I've been doing arm work, but I got kind of sad and stopped working out. I need to start again. I think my weight loss would pick up if I did. I'm scared though. I'm scared that once I lose all the weight I need to I'm still going to look gross. I'm scared that I'm going to have a lot of extra skin. I know I will around my belly from my babies. I'm just hoping I don't on my legs.
I really need Johnny to look at me and think I'm sexy again and if I look like a dried up old prune at 30, that certainly isn't going to help. On the same note, if he leaves me, it's not going to be easy to find someone either.
Ugh. So either way, I hope I don't look like a prune. I didn't before, but I still had about 30 pounds to lose.
Anyways, the whole point of this post was to say that after seeing the scale teetering into the 170's range, I'm getting more motivated to work out again. I want out of this higher range of weight. I know I'm not going to feel any better until I get in the 150's, so I just have to keep working. Right now I'm still comfortably in my 12's. I want them falling off of me. I want to be in 8's again. I want to get into my 5/6's again! Being in 18's and 16's is so embarrassing. Being in 12's is so close to being back in normal sizes. I just wanto keep going. If Johnny can't make me feel better maybe *I* can make myself feel better?
So yesterday I go to put on my size 12's that haven't been very comfortable for awhile now. Actually, I've just been able to get back into them from not being able to wear them at all. Anyways, I put on my size 12's fresh out of the laundry all crisp and folded. I expected to tug away at the waist and zipper. I didn't have to! I just comfortably put them together and zipped them up! 1,2,3. Easy as pie! I couldn't believe it! I'm actually starting to see results. I'm down 10 pounds now. I can't wait for the other 10 pound marks. It will be nice to feel good about myself again. It doesn't help right now that Johnny has such a lack of excitment for me. I just feel so worthless, so useless. I feel like a nanny and a maid. I'm not a wife or a mother to his children, I'm just a caretaker. When I dropped him off in the car this afternoon I got a, "Alright, see you later." No, "Thanks honey, I'll call you tonight. I love you." or anything. His brother sees more affection. Hell his brother gives ME more affection!
But what can I do? I'm trying not to push him, but I LOVE HIM, why after 13 years doesn't he love me anymore? I told him the other night I feel like I'm being punished for cheating AND I DIDN'T CHEAT! I NEVER WOULD! Heck, even if I WANTED TO I don't have the TIME TO! I just don't get this!
Like I said though, thank God I have his insurance for now and can pay for my meds to lose the weight. That way if he leaves me I'll be decent looking enough to maybe find a decent man who will APPRECIATE me and all I have to offer.
Last night was one of the hardest nights emotionally that I've had in a really long time. A lot of things came out between Johnny and I and I am so sad. Guess it's good I'm losing this weight. It's going to be hard enough if I end up being a 30 year old single mother of 3, being fat won't make it any easier. At least I was good and didn't emotionally eat. Boy if there ever was a time for it, last night was it. I think part of my weight loss is water weight from all the crying I've been doing lately. I sure hope Johnny decides to stick by our marriage. I hope he doesn't fall back into what he was taught growing up. I thought he had steered clear of that. I thought we were safefrom the wrath of his mother. guess not.
Ok, I did not do so good yesterday. I STARTED out good! I worked out, and only had half of the bagel Johnny made me for breakfast however, as the day went on I got worse. It was kind of a hard day yesterday, with us still trying to get out of the funk we've been in for the last 2 weeks. Johnny's on midnight's and it's REALLY put a strain on our relationship. There just is no time "us" time anymore. We don't get to sleep together and by the time he wakes up and is coherant, it's busy dinner time, then I have to put the kids in bed, we get about 1 hour teogether and then he leaves to go work out and go to work. Now I know he DOES need to work out, otherwise he's going to end up with a heart attack at 40 like his father, but it's really cutting into our time. I miss him so much and yesterday I reverted back to my old ways of eating to comfort me. I know better than that! I actually did fine with dinner. I was really proud of myself! I made a Teriyake Chicken Stir Fry with just chicken, snap peas, water chestnuts, red bell peppers, baby corn, carrots, bamboo and broccoli with just a little teriyake. I normally would have put about 3 times as much teriyake as I did and I would have made it with rice but I didn't, but I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to make it special for my girls, so I got these fruit dumpling things and some 1/2 caloire ice cream. Doesn't sound so bad? Well, I ate 2. Now, they're not that big, so it's not like I gorged msyelf, but I should not have eaten 2. So today I'm trying to get back on track again. I'm going to work out and try to eat better. I'm not going to give up simply because I had a bad meal. So, back to work!
Oh, I had 1 chocolate caramel square too. I'm trying to be honest now.
O.k. first off, wow, shame on me, NOVEMBER was the last time I posted in here? BOO!!!! Well, it's alright, I'm here now. The reason for my title is because I'm back on my super secret mixture. Real secret on a public weight loss site huh? LOL! Not really, I just don't advertise unless people specifically ask. I just think it's great how much it motivates. It's amazing how drugs meant for one thing help do others! Like for instance, the fact that Topomax, which is meant for headaches, kills your cravings and makes carbonated drinks taste HORRIBLE. I mean, getting a fountain drink with no syrup in it! THAT BAD! It's not even POSSIBLE to get it down, even if you DO crave one! That right there shaves calories off! Then the Phentermine with it gives you more energy to be able to work out. Last time I used these I lost 50 pounds in 4 months, with diet and exercise. So here I am, at it again.
Now I'm not saying it's this miracle cure that you can just pop these pills, however many you want, sit on the couch and eat a bag of chips expecting to lose weight. You can't be stupid about these things. This is done under doctors supervision, my blood pressure, weight and blood levels are checked ever couple of months. I have to eat better, and less, and exercise. There's just no way around it. THERE IS NO MIRACLE CURE. You just have to get up and do it! Now, these drugs HELP you, but they won't do it for you. They are a BIG help though. I have such a tough time losing weight. I don't know if it's because I'm older now or what, but I NEVER had this rough of a time losing weight growing up.
I'm at 188 as of today and I want to get down to 130 by the time we go to Florida in August (around the 19th). I know as long as I work hard I can do this. I will come back in here and keep this update more regularly now that I'm working at this again.
To be honest, I haven't posted here in awhile because I thought I lost all my posts. I came in here to check things out and they were all gone. I was pretty mad, quite honestly. All my thought and time, just gone, like that. I figured I was done posting here. I actually came here today to delete my account. I'm not losing weight, and my posts were gone anyways. But then I log in and see they're all back. I guess it's a sign. I had THE SHITTIEST Thanksgiving ever and the weird thing is, usually when I'm depressed I want to eat. But right now I know how fat I am and I DON'T want to eat. I don't want to get any fatter. I want to be pretty and cute again. I want guys to look at me when I walk by. I don't get that now. If I do it's because I'm fat. I mostly walk with my head down and don't look at people because I'm embarrassed of how I look. I don't want to have to feel that way anymore. I know it's bad, but I'm going to do Slim Fast shakes for breakfast and Weight Watchers for lunch. If we don't cook and they're going to order out, I'll eat a WW meal. I have GOT to do something about myself. I hate myself and I don't want to hate myself.
Well, it's been awhile since I posted here. I'm doing worse than before. I'm having a tough time with Mom's birthday and anniversary of her death coming up. Her 54th birthday would have been this Thursday and I am missing her more than ever. She should still be here to watch my girls grow up, she should have been able to see Anthony be born and turn into the most beautiful baby boy. Life sucks. Johnny and I both lost the wrong parent. What did we do to deserve to have abusive parents left for us to deal with? Better yet, what did our children do to deserve to lose such loving caring Grandparents?
So yeah, I'm back up to 190. I've been eating my way through my depression. Lovely. Just like before, when I hated myself. However, I decided tonight that everytime I want to eat, I'm going to go get on the exercise bike. Starting tomorrow, as soon as I wake up I'm changing into my work out clothes, and as soon as Anthony goes down for a nap, on the bike I go. Stuffing my face until I explode isn't going to make me a happier person, so why do I do it?!? I hate how I look! I'm EMBARRASSED by how I look, so why can't I stop??
I'm not doing well. I've been really stressed out with our money situation and Anthony teething. He was the easiest baby and now I feel like I have Molly as a baby all over again. He wines constantly. It's so grating on my nerves. I used to be able to take him anywhere. I'd just put him in my Ergo carrier and off we'd go. Now he get angry and pushes away, with a whine. I'm wondering if I'm pregnant and know if I am Johnny won't be happy about it. I mean, he'll come around, but it won't be excitement like it was with A's pregnancy. We're only having one more and I wanted it to be perfect. *sigh* oh well. The next time Johnny asks me to go to the store to grab something, I'm going to buy some pregnancy tests. I hate not knowing, and that's making me eat too.
I'm just craving things like mad! I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant, like I said, or because I just have no willpower. If I AM pregnant I'm in BIg trouble. I'm 5' 2". If I start out a pregnancy at 190, it's going to get ugly. That's why I want to know right away. That way I can subscribe to Pregnancy Without Pounds and start walking. I need to eat better anyways, it's just so hard when you're broke.
God I'm really not doing well, I need help. I miss having friends. I miss my Mom coming up and hanging out and talking with her. My Aunt was up yesterday but it's really not even close to filling the void. When money's ok I don't think about being lonely so much, but when it's not, I get depressed.
Hell his brother gives ME more affection! 
Guess it's good I'm losing this weight. It's going to be hard enough if I end up being a 30 year old single mother of 3, being fat won't make it any easier. 
I actually did fine with dinner. I was really proud of myself! I made a Teriyake Chicken Stir Fry with just chicken, snap peas, water chestnuts, red bell peppers, baby corn, carrots, bamboo and broccoli with just a little teriyake. I normally would have put about 3 times as much teriyake as I did and I would have made it with rice but I didn't, but I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted to make it special for my girls, so I got these fruit dumpling things and some 1/2 caloire ice cream. Doesn't sound so bad? Well, I ate 2. Now, they're not that big, so it's not like I gorged msyelf, but I should not have eaten 2. 
I'm trying to be honest now.