I get thoughts from the universe through my email every day and yesterday's, I thought worth while to post here:
The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want.
And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart.
Isn't that lovely? I certainly think so, and so very true, too. And comes just at the right time, as those thoughts often do, as I have been having some issues with my temper lately. I just get so mad sometimes and I know it's frustration because of how difficult things have sometimes been in the last few months and because of how those difficulties have constantly thrown me back. It's so hard to pick myself up time and time again and start at zero. I have done it, though, and of that I am very proud.
And the anger is also something I have had to work on towards my hubby. As proud as I am of him for having lost so much weight and gotten in such good shape, I get furious at him at time. Why should he have had time and energy to work on himself so well, when all I had was stress and work. He's lost like 44 lbs and dropped about 3 sizes. Gotten contact lenses, is tanned and has his hair different. Needless to say, he looks fabulous! And I am sooooo proud of him and happy for him - most of the time. And then I have moments where I just get furious. Really, it's quite the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing here. Does this make any sense or am I simply a horrid person? I mean, I did have two small children all on my own for 8 months and it was tough, with all the sickness etc.
In any case, I at the moment just don't like myself all too well..... I don't know if it's justified or not. And I know I am letting my head hang a bit. All a part of the progress of getting used to living with another adult again, I guess. I think we need to get out and do something nice sometime soon..... Just the two of us. Do you think that might be an idea?
Sorry about the rant, but it's really not easy right now. And I need it to change because we are not helping each other with this!
I hope I will be more upbeat in my next post!
Ok, so after I wrote this, I immediately felt better. It often is like that with me, just have to spill the beans and I feel better right away! I still have a bit to go, I know that, but I am going in the right direction! YAY!
I have been very quiet lately and I am sorry. But firstly I was very busy with our mini vacation, my big boy's birthday on the 16th. I just can not believe my baby is 4 years old!! My hubby had his birthday on the 19th and on the 20th my baby nephew was christianed and got his beautiful name! On top of that I have got pretty nasty problems with my back, seems all the muscles in my lower back are very tense and swollen and I could hardly move. So I got medication - to which I reacted pretty allergic. I filled up with water, was dizzy, had headaches and my bones hurt as well as stings in the heart region and some problems breathing. It's taken me a while to get that out of my system. And I am still working on it, really. Also I have some issues with my tom, which just will not get here, seems like the cysts have started their vile work again..... so I have a gyn appointment next thursday.
Gosh, this is an upbeat post! Well, I guess it's pretty much like I have felt lately. I am fighting to get back to my normal routine and hope I will manage to soon.
Please excuse my not having been around to visit. Just haven´t felt like it. Hope to make a round later on!
Well, having an early night tonight, as we are going on a mini vacation this weekend, to the village where I was born and raised and then to a tiny island, which is wonderful. We leave at 6 am so better try and get some sleep. Will be back tuesday night, so talk to you then :)
My hubby arrived here safely last night, and we are all thrilled to have him with us finally!! The boys were of course sleeping when we came home, it was 1.30 am, but they were so excited when they woke up. We got really nice presents and I got 3 really cute tops to wear. Will put up pictures soon, promise!!
Today's my weigh in, I decided, as tomorrow, I probably won't have time to write. Hubby arrives tonight and we will have errands to do tomorrow, get his id-number and stuff like that. So, here goes: my weight is nicely down, I now weigh 92.8 kg's, which is 204.2 lbs. That's really great, especially since I did some major workout yesterday and I can feel how tired my muscles are. Which always has me weigh more than I really do. Slowly, you can really see the difference in my face and my body is getting so much stronger! It's wonderful. I want good health and I want to be a good example for my children and now I feel I really am working towards that goal of mine.
As simple and silly as my "best you can be" challenge may sound to some, it really, really works for me. It's motivating but not overly strict, so I don't cut my own head off if I slip a little. Then I slip, that's ok. And since the pressure is not overly much, I don't slip as often. I have an easier time saying no if things are not forbidden.
Last night, I went to sleep really early and then got woken up around midnight by my baby boy. Couldn't sleep so completed Nicholas Sparks' "Notebook". Beautiful, absolutely beautiful!! True to form, I bawled my eyes out, but that's good. It was really food for the soul, so beautiful! I feel so great this morning. A tad tired but wonderful. Now I just have to figure out how to top this, as I watched "P.S. I love you" on Saturday evening and absolutely loved it!! Laughed and cried so hard.
Well, better get the babies their breakfast now. Have a wonderful day!
In another 24 hours, I will be on the airport, hugging my hubby!! Exciting!! I really am very excited! It's been 2 months now since he was here and now he is coming to stay. It'll be so much better for all of us! I really can't wait for him to be here!
I am doing very well now, exercise wise and with my eating. This afternoon, I took the boys to a guarded playground, there were lots of other children as the weather is just beautiful right now, and they loved going there, especially my baby boy. This is the playground my mom used to take him to before he started kindergarten and he's been longing to go there for a long time now. So he was a very happy camper this morning when we went. I took the chance and went to the gym to do my day 3 week 2 of c25k. Folks, I can't believe I completed 2 weeks. Yes, I can, but it's sooooooo great!! And I can feel the changes already. Really great! After the run, I went and swam for 20 minutes. Felt a bit funny because nobody but me was swimming, everybody was just sunbathing. I guess I should do that, too, as I am really pale and sort of look like Caspar the friendly ghost all the time.
It's wonderful to feel how much stronger I am getting!! Of course I got overly excited and wanted to out and buy myself a pair of jeans today, but didn't really like the ones I got. So I decided to wait untill the end of August.
Things are on a roll here!! Finally, the scale is starting to show something in the right direction!! I am so glad. My poor graphic, though! Such ups and downs lately. But looking at it, it really reflects the way my life has been.... ups and downs a lot, especially in the past few weeks!! So I will accept that for what it is and get on with everything.
I am extremely proud of the way I have been able to jump to my feet again every time that life has given me lemons and made delicious lemonade from it. It does take a bit of an effort each and every time to get out of the sleepless, overtired, notcaringwhatIeat mood. And every time I have managed that straight away, as soon as it was possible to start. All on my own, too. So I am happy. And have a feeling that a happier, a bit healthier, more sparkly me will go pick up my hubby from the airport tomorrow evening. Yes, it's almost time!! He'll be here soon!! I am SO excited! And since he's bringing me new outfits (tops) I should have new pics to show soon!!
It was good to wake up this morning, NOT having to go to work. I love my job, but am seriously in need of a break right now after the very tough past 7 months.
Well, better go play with the children, who have summer vacation, too :)
Another lightbulb went on over my head last night. I was reading this and that, thinking, contemplating etc. And it came to me. I need to accept myself, what I am and just the way I am right now. Only then can I go on to change anything about it. And more than accept, I also need to love myself just the way I am right now. Which is a bit hard, as I am always very hard on myself. I will make allowances for everyone - but me!
Also, I really need to focus on a few things I really want to do. I am only one person, with (very) limited time and also limited power. So I plan to sit down and make a list of things I really want and need to do and acchieve. Then put them in the right order and then I will have to reassess and plan things again. I just can't go on wanting to do everything and wanting to say yes to everything I am asked to do. Of course there are still things I will do, like helping out when my parents need me. They help me so much, so that's just what should happen. But other than that, I really have to focus my energies. And I do have to focus on myself!
Having said that, I went to the gym this morning, did week 2 day 2 of c25k. It's amazing, I can really feel how much stronger I am getting. Also last night while doing my program with Leslie.... what a difference! After the run, I also swam for 20 minutes, so I got good workout today! And I will be doing my mom's newspaper round later on, because she went away for the weekend with my dad.
My eating is good and controlled, so I am on a very good way. And it's a long way. Bound to be bumpy sometimes but that's normal. And I think the high number on the scale right now has to do with the fact that my children just won't let me sleep and rest right now. So I am filled up with water and lactic acid. Can't wait for hubby to be here so we can split that up a bit and I can rest a little.... :)
Candy just doesn't work for me anymore!! I fell in the pit again this week, being too tired to care and stuffed myself full time and again. And what happens? I am tired, easily angry, sometimes feel really agressive. My tummy is upset, I have spot all over etc. etc. So why do I do it? I guess it's mostly habit and boredom. So I plan to have other things to do in order not to get so bored :)
I have about half an hour of work still and then I have a 2 week vacation!! YAY!! The forecast is great, so weather should be good AND my hubby will arrive on Tuesday evening. Can you tell I am excited?
I am back on track with my eating, thankfully, so should be feeling better and less bloated soon. Yesterday, I did week 2 day 1 of c25k. That was great!! Of course a bit harder than week one, especially since i have a bit of a cold, but I felt I could have done even more. Tonight I hope to get in a session with Leslie and my brother has promised to babysit tomorrow so I can go to the gym. So, chickenpoxcatastrophenumber2 is almost over, too!! And I am happy to see how well I manage to get back on track all the time now. I may slip, I may fall,but I get up again straight away and get to work! Isn't that great?
Well, it's a new month and time to do a review of how I did with last month's goals and make some new ones.
So, here goes my tale on last month's goals:
1. lose 2 kg's. Didn't get that goal, sadly. But I didn't really gain any weight, either, so I will take that with a smile. Seeing how my month was, it was no wonder.....
2. lose 4 cm on my body Surpassed that by 3.3 centimeters and am VERY proud of that!!
3. Eat good and healthy I stuck to that goal pretty well most of the time.
4. smile, be happy and positive Yup, did that most of the time, too.
5. Be honest with myself I have been. Honest and I have accepted my flaws and failures as well as my victories and strengths.
6. Exercise 3 times a week. Whenever it was in my hands to control that, I did exercise at least 3 times a week so I will consider that goal met. Having a child severely sick with chickenpox etc. is something I can't control and my not exercising had nothing to do with laziness. It was just one of those things that happen.
7. get started on c25k. I did!! Even completed week 1 and since I hope to be able to go to work tomorrow, I plan to start week 2.
All in all I am happy with how my goals went this past month, even if I would have loved for the scales to go a bit deeper. But it's ok, I accept it, just as I accepted all the blows life decided to give to me this past month!
And since this is a new month, here are my new goals:
1. Lose 3 cm on my body. Again, I don't care where, but I want to lose it.
2. Exercise as much as I can. 3 times a week would be a very good thing, whenever I can reach it.
3. Watch my eating and very importantly start writing down what I eat. I need that control to keep myself on track.
4. Continue with c25k. I very much want to get through as much as I can of the program this month.
5. Smile and be happy and continue being honest with myself.
6. Accept myself for what I am and admit to my faults and work on them.
7. Lose weight. I won't put up a number, but I want a loss. I am 94 now, so I would seriously like to see a difference. Getting close to 200 lbs would be great. I reach that at 90.9 kg's.
Sometimes some of those goals are a bit hard, though they sound easy. Yesterday, being happy and positive was hard. The kiddos have been sleeping very badly, which means I hardly get any sleep and as funny as it may seem, lack of sleep really interferes with my weightloss. I don't know why, but it does. I got reallly grumpy with my hubby on the phone last night because I am just a bit fed up with constantly having to give in to outer situations like the boys getting sick or hurting themselves. Sometimes it feels like whenever I manage to make a step forward, something pushes me a step or 2 back. But this month I won't let that get me down. Progress, not perfection. I know we hear that all the time, but I need to tell myself often. I am tolerant with everyone but myself, so I need to relax a bit. And look at how far I have gotten. My progress is very slow but there is progress!!
and we will have errands to do tomorrow, get his id-number and stuff like that. So, here goes: my weight is nicely down, I now weigh 92.8 kg's, which is 204.2 lbs. That's really great, especially since I did some major workout yesterday and I can feel how tired my muscles are. Which always has me weigh more than I really do. Slowly, you can really see the difference in my face and my body is getting so much stronger! It's wonderful. I want good health and I want to be a good example for my children and now I feel I really am working towards that goal of mine.