So, although I never really made a post about it I reached my goal somewhere around May-June! In fact, I even lost an extra kilogram and am now at 56 kgs, which is around 123 pounds! Unlike the title of this entry implies, no, I didn't gain the weight back. I did however get used to the "normal life" during the summer months but I allowed myself to do that and decided I'd continue this project when the fall comes. My studies just started so I take it as a sign: it's time to get back on track.
I'm happy with my weight but there's still alot of work to do. My body needs alot of toning after first gaining weight and then losing it. I now like the way I look, but I know I could look even better. Also, when I started this weightloss challenge I wanted to make it a lifestyle change rather that just me getting thinner and then continue eating unhealthy stuff. I want the sports and healthy food to be a part of my life in future aswell, not just while losing weight. That is one of the reasons why this needs to be done; it'd be easy to just let things slip back to where they once were, but I don't want that. I now know I can actually enjoy the sporty way of life and I miss the energy level I reached last spring. It's time to get those back!
I started a new 12 weeks program with my buddy Kinetic and also plan on doing the Carmen Electra workouts more regulary. I won't be as strict about eating as I was last spring (after all, this time it's not about losing weight) but I definitely want to bring the vegetables and fruits back to my daily life.
I'm sort of having crises... I'm so close to my ultimate goal that it seems to be hard for me to stay strong. I'm still doing my excercises and I still couldn't even imagine starting to eat unhealthy like I did. It's just that I wish I could already eat like normal people do, like I used to before the problems with my weight. It feels hard to resist ice cream or a cold beer now that it's getting warm and sunny... And to be honest, I haven't really resisted. Something has changed.
I felt so motivated to lose my weight for many months (since January, to be exact) but now I'm already so pleased with my "new" body and lifestyle that I don't seem to find the motivation to keep up the actual weightloss. So it's not the matter of slipping to my old bad habits, but instead slipping to the normal rythm of life where you don't need to count all the calories and such. I'm trying to remind myself that I need to get to my goal, I have to do it. I'm so close now! It's just really tough. I'm also really stressed with all the work that should be done with my studies and whatnot before the summer so that doesn't really help. I'll sort it all out, somehow.
There are good news, too! I now fit into all of those old jeans that I wanted to fit in. It feels great! Few of them I don't really want to use yet though because they're still very tight (they've always been tight to begin with, even when I first bought them) and they seem to sort of squeeze out the extra skin/fat (I'm not sure which that is at this point) on my waist so when combined with tight top it doesn't look all that hot... Bleh. But hey, it really is an achievement that I can make my tighs fit into them AND get the buttons closed AND breath too! :D I'm also happy that I can now feel my abs somewhere there. They're definitely not visible yet because there's still some loose skin/fat around my waist but I'm hoping to get rid of it at some point. I just wish I knew if it is fat or loose skin? Because right now I'm not sure if I should be burning the fat or toning the area to make it look better.
On a side note, I've never really liked my boobs but right now I pretty much hate them. Which is sad. I wish I liked them but they're small and saggy now - horrible combination!! The prices you gotta pay, eh? Now I feel bad for saying that I hate them. They're mine after all, so I don't hate them... They may not look all that good but they're part of me so I'll just accept it and embrace them. Or let my boyfriend do the embracing part. :D
First of all I'd like to say that I feel GREAT right now! Yesterday me and my boyfriend came to visit his parents for the weekend, which is nice because I haven't seen them in months. Yesterday I saw his mom only briefly after we had arrived but this morning when I was on getting my daily dose of the morning computer (email checks, forums to read... the normal stuff) she came to me and said "have you started training 'cause you've really lost some weight". I think I blushed because it just was somehow so unexpected... I really didn't think she'd say anything even if she'd notice it (although I was secretly hoping). I mumbled something like "oh, you noticed" and she replied with "of course, it's so obvious" and then asked how much I've lost (the answer is 6 kgs, if any of you is wondering). It felt really good when my own mother told me I've lost weight but to hear it from someone I wasn't expecting it from was just amazing! And to think that I wasn't really wearing that tight clothes and I don't think she even managed to see me standing, yet still she noticed it, puts me on a high.
And then the bad sides of being here. It's Easter and everyone is eating chocolite... I ate some candies yesterday and probably will eat more during the weekend. Plus in here my boyfriend's mom is making all this good food that I crave for, but that is not necessarely all that healthy. The temptations are definitely there and somehow I should manage to stay away from all the yummy stuff. I think what I need to do is to eat some but really watch for how much - after all that's what will matter the most when the weekend is over.
The Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease series DVD box set, that my boyfriend ordered to me, arrived today. It took me few hours to learn the routines on the first DVD so it was nothing too complicated. However, I did enjoy it (and so did my boyfriend, hehe) and I don't think it'll do any harm if I work out with the DVDs every now and then. While it may not make me super fit in short time I'm sure that in long term it'll tone my body (if done right) and I'll learn some cool moves aswell. And it's fun!
Now that I more think of it it's actually pretty amazing how I feel the change that has happened in my body during the past few months. Not that long ago I wouldn't have had the guts to actually show a sexy striptease number in front of my boyfriend because I was so self-concious about the extra weight that I had gained. Today, however, I didn't feel ashamed or embarrased or anything like that to perform in front of him. I did feel somewhat ackward at first because I wasn't sure if I looked clumsy or if my moves were smooth enough, but then I realized that type of moving actually comes pretty natural from me (don't know wether that's a good thing or a bad thing :) so I decided not to worry. It's weird that even though my boobs are somewhat saggy and I have strech marks allover my body I felt probably more confident to do that sort of thing that I would have felt ever before - even before I gained weight. And boy, did we end up having a great time, my boyfriend and me... ;) Anyhoo, my point: I love the mental sides of this lifestyle change project!
Meh, I've been a bad girl again. I ate candies on Saturday AND on Sunday AND some chocolate today aswell... But no worries, now I'm gonna put an end to it and continue my healthy lifestyle! I blame the PMS for what has happened with me lately. I've been climbing up the walls, so to speak, and been craving for stuff that I usually don't even care for that much (like chocolite). Luckily I don't think I gained any weight back but I sure haven't lost it either, so it's time to really focus now.
My third and last month with Kinetic has started. In a weird way the break that I had from my new healthy lifestyle might have done some good to me excercise-wise: today when did my Kinetic stuff again (hadn't done any since Friday) I felt like things went more smoothly than ever and I didn't feel as exhausted as I used to after finishing the excercises. Also when I did abs it felt easier than ever before. Hmh? Maybe the few days break was good for my body. Does this mean I need to start having those breaks more often, say, every other day? :P Yeah right - from now on I'll have 5 training days (with Kinetic) so there won't be much time for resting. Which is good, when you think of it, summer isn't that far away after all.
I feel so guilty, I've been eating some naughty stuff lately... Last Friday I ate candies (less than usually, though) and then I ate some more on Sunday (probably more than usually). And, if that wasn't enough, today I ate some delicious cake type of thing. :( So many calories... Bleh. Damn those stupid periods!! I can tell they'll be starting anyday now and that's why I'm craving stuff so much. I usually don't even really care for cakes and desserts!
At least I haven't stopped doing the exercises. If that was the case I'd be extremely disappointed in myself! I've come so far and I can't start slipping now. I know I couldn't just break down to my old habits BUT I could possibly do some damage to the actual weight loss, and I don't want that to happen. I'm gonna fit into my old cute tops and jeans this summer. I just need to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize.
Would it sound totally weird if I said I'm sort of glad I gained weight during the past few years? Of course it's easy to be happy now when most of that weight is gone but I also realized something... I feel like this whole process has taught me something and that I gained not only weight, but also experiences and a lesson or two about life in general. I've learned to appreciate my body and take a better care of it. I've learned to enjoy some of the small things in life that used to be a routine for me; buying a new pair of earrings, trying on clothes, enjoying a good meal... Some things need to happen, I believe this is one of those things. And in the end I did fight my way back (and still am fighting) and while it's nothing compared to those who fight against cancer or death or some other heavy issues it is a fight nonetheless. And I already feel like a winner.
I will carry the scars that these two years left on me for the rest of my life, literally. I have strech marks on my thighs, breasts, even some on my lower back... But most of the time I really don't care! Life molds each of ours bodies, we get bruises and scars, some smaller and some bigger. But isn't that exactly what makes us who we are? Our battle scars and the marks that show we've gone through something - wether it's gaining weight, giving birth or having a serious medical operation. My scars do define an episode of my life but why wouldn't I rather choose to be proud for getting through this and have my scars showing that I have done something notable, that I have lived, than be sad about them and worry if other people think I look ugly? If someone doesn't see my beauty, inside and out, through the scars then that's his/hers loss and I feel sorry for that person not realizing that is me. I am my scars, they made me who I am today. The ones on my body and the ones on my soul.
I'm craving candies so bad. It has now been over 2 weeks since the last time I ate any and man, would I be happy to get some right now. Now that my teeth are not feeling all that problematic I'll probably be able to eat candies again (I'm saving all the fun for Saturday), which sort of worries me as I'm afraid I'll just continue eating them as much as before this 2 weeks break. I hope not!
I really need to try out Pilates. I've been wanting to try it for so long but I haven't managed to get the DVD. Plus, I'm not sure which one of the various Pilates DVDs I should get anyway! Any suggestions? I heard of the one called "Pilates for Dummies" - sounds like it was made with me in mind. :P Maybe I'll buy that one.
What I'd also love to start doing regurlary is dancing! I've been watching this show "So you think you can dance?" and it has really made me wanna dance like there's no tomorrow. I wish I could take some classes but I really don't even know what style to try out! Besides, I'm really slow on picking up any choreographies so I'm afraid I'd look like a fool in classes. What I'd also love to try out is kick-boxing! Once again, I'm too afraid to enter any classes (especially since I don't have anyone to go with). What a shame. :( Maybe someday. I'm starting to wonder does this magical "someday" ever come because I seem to be trusting on it in every post I make here.
Woohoo, today was *the day* I've been waiting for so long! I weighted myself right after waking up and for the first time it showed a number starting with 5, not 6. To be exact, it was 59.9 kgs, haha. Which means I've lost around 5 kgs = 10 pounds.
I actually quite needed it as I've been feeling somehow moody lately. I don't know why but the past few days have been rough and for the first time in ages I've not felt like training. It doesn't help that I'm having teeth problems and I've been in pain for the past week... But still. And I've felt like I've been gaining weight, even though I've been eating more healthy than ever (leaving the candies out). I don't know. The good thing is that I don't feel like eating junk food to make me feel better - I just don't feel like excercising either.
Now that I think of it, I might now what's wrong. I haven't been eating veggies or fruits as much as, say, a week or two ago. That is because I've been trying to avoid pretty much eating anything unless necessary due to the teeth problems. That would actually explain why I've been feeling so drained and tired, too. Or then these are just "one of those days".
Ps. I finally added few photos of me, the first one is an old one and the second one is me trying to fit into those same clothes. I need to fit into those damn jeans again! :D Someday.
I've become so obsessed with posing in front of mirrors, especially the huge one on the bedroom. Don't get me wrong though - I don't pose there adoring my body or anything like that, I'm simply trying to get to know this body that feels and looks somehow strange to me.
First of all, last night I noticed I have muscles on my arms! Not huge but my arms look so much more toned than ever before. But the main thing that interests me in my body is that it's so unbalanced at the moment. My upper body (from the navel up) is thinner and somewhat toned while lower body (from the navel down) still needs so much work. It almost looks as if I've lost the 4 kgs from my upper body and the 4kgs that I still have left are on my lower body. I knew to excpect this because I've always had some curves on my hips (I used to like them when I was fit.. now there's just too much of junk in the trunk) but I can't help on staring at myself from the mirror and just being amused by it. Yes, amused because I believe I will be able to get rid of the junk on my lower body, it just takes more time. I HOPE! Otherwise I'll just feel very sad but let's not even get there.
Well, at least now I know I really can't give up. I want my upper and lower body to match. :D
