Finding time

I noticed that I hadn't updated in a few days.  It's been really busy, with school nearing the end of the semester and finals coming up.  Also, lots of family activities over the summer, so I've only had time to stop and take quick looks to see how everyone it doing on EP, I haven't had much time to sit down and write a blog entry.  However, I am still on plan and I'm still optimistic, although my weight loss rate always slows a little after the first couple of weeks.  I'm trying to prepare myself so I don't get frustrated.  But I still feel like I'm not making huge sacrifices, so that makes it more tolerable for the long haul.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

First mini-goal!

Woohoo, I reached my first 10 lb mini goal today, so I'm finally in double digits for weight loss.  It feels like a big step on my journey towards better health, and I'm starting to feel like I really CAN do this.

Figuring out the nuts and bolts

Right now I only have one class in the morning, and a lot of the research is reading that I can do from home, so most days I'm home by lunch time, which works out well for staying on plan.  However in the next few weeks, I'm going to be at school all day, so I have to figure out some foods that I can take with me that are filling but healthy.  Most of the things I eat require refrigeration, and I don't have access to a refrigerator, so I have to come up with other options.  I do have access to a microwave.  I probably can pack a little lunch box that could keep it cool, but I want something that can fit in my backpack so I don't have something extra to carry.  I also have to find some variety in my diet so I don't get sick of everything that I'm eating.

I had some cravings today.  It was the first day they were pretty bad, but I had some really yummy grapes, and that satisfied my sweet tooth.  It's amazing how sweet fruit is now that I'm not eating sugary candy.

Glad it's Wednesday.  The end of the week is always easier than the beginning.

Survived the restaurant

I went out to dinner for the first time since being back on plan.  I got an Oriental Chicken Salad with grilled teriyaki chicken, mandarin oranges, romaine lettuce, and slivered almonds with sesame dressing on the side.  It was quite good, although I didn't finish it all.  I did feel a little pang when  I looked at the menu and had to pass my old favorites, but I felt satisfied with my choice and happy that I didn't go over my calorie limit for the day.  Hopefully these hurdles will get easier to jump as my lifestyle changes become more of a habit.  For now I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to jump hurdles as they come.

My body, my choice...

It is very frustrating for me when people try to push food on other people, or when they find out that you are trying to lose weight they become the food police.  One thing that I have learned so far on this journey is that this is my body, and I'm the only one who can say what food will or will not go into it. 

I know people are trying to be helpful when they say things like "oh, you can't have any of that" or "Should you really be eating that?"  Yes, I can eat whatever I want, I may CHOOSE not to because I don't think it's the best fuel or the most nutritious thing for my body, but when someone tells me I can't then I have this perverse desire to eat it just to be contrary.  However, I know that wouldn't be helpful either, and I don't want to bite off my nose to spite my face, so I just grit my teeth, and refuse to take the bait. 

I also hate when someone tries to tell you to have "just a little taste" or "just try it" when you have already declined their offer.  My in-laws are still visiting, and my FIL made a stew with zucchini and pork sausage.  It had plenty of vegetables, but the sausage and cheese put it way over the calorie content that I wanted to eat, and I could see the grease just floating around in it.  My MIL asked if I wanted some, and I politely declined.  Later, she asked if I had had some, and I said no.  Of course, the conversation couldn't end here.  She proceeded to ask why I wasn't even going to try it, and I said that I've been trying to watch what I eat, and her response was "Well, it has zucchini and tomatoes in it, so it is good for you if you just avoid the sausage."  Umm, since the pot was swimming in grease and cheese, and the sausage was ground up and mixed in, I don't think so...but, I just let it go and she hasn't badgered me about it since.

Ultimately, no one can lose the weight for me, and unless someone is going to stand at my side and snatch away everything and anything that could be considered too calorie-dense, I'm just going to have to learn to make these decisions for myself, so I guess I will just have to practice saying "No, thanks."

It's good to feel alive again!

It's been about 2 weeks since I have been on plan again, and I have to say I haven't felt this good in a long time.  For so long, every time I felt stressed, upset, sad, worried, etc I would turn to sweets, and I would have a nice pity party while numbing whatever I was feeling with the sugar.  In reality, I was simply masking the pain, but not really resolving anything.  Now I don't have that shield, and I have to look at the things that are bothering me, and surprisingly, that has made me feel better not worse.

I have wanted to lose weight for a really long time, but I always said that I didn't think that I could because I couldn't give up sugar.  I would say that it was the only thing in my life that gave me some pleasure...I know that statement is really sad, but I've been pretty depressed.  Now that I don't have sugar to turn to, I have been rediscovering joy in other things, spending time with my husband and my family, walking the dog, even little things like the warmth of the sun on my face combined with a cool breeze.  It's like I was asleep for 5 years and now I'm finally waking up.

It was challenging at first, and I'm sure my family would attest to the fact that I was pretty crabby for the first few days, but I've noticed, especially over the last several days that I feel happier, more in control, more affectionate, and more interested in participating in life rather than being a spectator.  This is not to say that my problems have all disappeared, but rather, I can put them in perspective.  And I feel like instead of being paralyzed and not knowing how to begin, I can meet challenges head on and work on them piece by piece until they are resolved.

I hope that I can maintain this sunny optimism - it's kind of a new thing for me.  But I'm not going to focus too far in the future, I'm going to enjoy what it right in front of me now.  On that note, I think I'm going to get outside and take advantage of this beautiful day!

Oh, so close!

WI today...down 1.5 lbs

I'm thrilled about the amount of weight I've lost so far, and I don't even feel like I'm being deprived.  So for the first time, I feel like this is a lifelong plan, not just until my diet ends, then I can eat whatever.  So this time I'm hopeful that I can reach my goal weight and maintain my weight at a healthy level for the rest of my life. 

I was just the tiniest bit disappointed that I hadn't lost 2 - that would have put me at an even 10 lb since being back on plan, and that is my first mini-goal.  But the disappointment was immediately squashed by the feeling that my jeans are starting to get a little loose!  YAY!!

I also wanted to say thanks to everyone on EP for all their support!  This is the first time in a very long time that I feel like I have control over my diet and my health, and I'm heading in the right direction, and that is in big part to all the support and encouragement I have received here, so THANK YOU!!

Major life changes

Temptations all around

My parents had a cook-out at their house today because my brother and his wife are in town for the week.  I did have a hamburger on a whole wheat bun, but there were tons of other things that are high calorie, and I knew I was close to my limit for the day, but the Cheetos and chocolate kept calling my name.  Luckily, my brother's dogs just had 2 puppies, so they were a fun distraction, and I managed to avoid the temptations and stick to my plan.  My family knows that I'm trying to watch what I eat, so no one was pushing food on me or flaunting their treats, which I appreciate.

I did get a chance to get out for a walk.  The weather has been beautiful here this summer - probably a little warmer than average, but since we live near Lake Superior, warmer means very pleasant.  Plus the sunshine is an instant mood booster for me. 

But now I've procrastinated long enough, and I need to get some studying done.

My weight does not equal my intelligence!!!

I was reading a post about the worst kids' foods in American restaurants today, and I made the mistake of reading the comments at the end of the article.  It makes me really angry and frustrated that so many people equate being overweight with being "stupid", having no intelligence, having no self control, or being "retarded." 

A lot of people have bad health habits from overeating, to smoking, to drinking, to using drugs, to not exercising, and I don't think we should judge.  I have found over they years that these health habits have much less to do with intelligence and knowledge than they do with coping mechanisms that have become counter productive.  My reliance on junk food, especially with sugar, developed at the same time that I became severely depressed in high school, and it is something I have suffered with for all of my adult life.  Often I will go into a deep depression and I will gain 20+ pounds.  Then once I start to feel better emotionally, I still have all this weight to deal with, and that can create the endless cycle of depression and overeating.

I'm not saying that I should use this as an excuse to say that I'm overweight, there's nothing I can do about it because it's linked to depression, so I should throw up my hands and settle for living a life of being unhealthy and not enjoying anything.  However, I wish people who haven't had to deal with some of these issues would demonstrate some compassion.  When you see someone overweight, don't judge their intelligence or willpower.  Understand that they may be trying to deal with something that you can't see, and sometimes the weight is just a symptom.  I can't imagine someone would look at someone who has a large tumor or a skin disease or some other physical symptom of a disease and say - Boy are you stupid for letting yourself get that way.

I think that if we had an attitude shift towards compassion (NOT pity) and understanding in our society, it would help people of all shapes and sizes feel more accepted and would help prevent the low self-esteem that I think contributes to people withdrawing and depending on food even more. 

I do want to lose weight, there's no question about that, but even if I never did, I would still have a lot to offer to society.  It doesn't matter how that package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts!!