Optimism and blessings
I have read many times that the happiest people are those that are able to count their blessings and feel grateful for what they have, and also people who describe themselves as optimists.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling depressed, I think it's really hard to focus on my blessings. I always feel grateful for my family and my husband, but that feeling is often overshadowed by crushing sadness and darkness.
However, I have been climbing out of the darkness of depression slowly over the past few months and I feel like there is light in my life now. A few days ago, I felt a warmth wash over me as I was thinking about how lucky and blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. My husband is my best friend and a huge source of emotional support. He has always been there for me 100%, even at my lowest points, and I feel so blessed that he is in my life. I also feel very lucky to have such a large, close knit family. I know that at times, my family is stressful, but overall, I am so happy to have so many people that love me, support me, laugh with me, and share so much.
I have often looked at things in a very negative way - and I'm hoping that is changing. For many years, I have berated myself for choosing the "wrong" career. I put countless time and dollars into the schooling, and I really did not feel fulfilled (and that lack of fulfillment contributed greatly to my depression.) Yet now I can look at it as a learning experience. I feel lucky to have the opportunity to go back to school and try something new, and those experiences have made me stronger, more caring, more compassionate, and have given me skills that still allow me to help my family and friends to live better lives. Maybe some optimism is starting to shine through...
I'm certainly not suggesting that all of my struggles are behind me. This past week was extremely stressful. However, I'm trying to let go of the negativity that threatens to pull me under when I encounter a challenge, and instead try to rise up and meet the challenge head on. I also am working on keeping things in perspective. One bad grade does not mean the world is going to end. Having to take an extra class (or 5) does not mean that my life is over or that nothing ever works out, it merely means that my timeline has changed, and who knows maybe that's a good thing because it will give me time to really see if this is the path I want to be on.
Finally, the last thing I have been working on is trying to accept and love myself just as I am - right now. Not once I have the career of my dreams, not once I'm thin enough, not once I'm contributing enough to society, NOW, TODAY!!
I have been listening to an audiobook called The Gift of Imperfection. It's written by Brene Brown. This book has really touched a chord in me. I have been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, and I have felt that if I could just be perfect than I would deserve love, I would be worthy of having friends, of belonging. However, I have discovered a sad lesson - I cannot be perfect, but unfortunately, that led me to feel that I was not worthy of love, of friends, of belonging - and that touched off a spiral into a dark place, where I felt like all hope was lost. Slowly, I'm learning that I do not need to be perfect to be worthy of love, and it's helping me open up more to others - to share who I really am, not who I think I should be, and I'm excited to discover who I am on this journey.
This journey that I'm taking is about so much more than weight loss. I'm changing on the inside as well as on the outside. Not only is there an athlete hidden inside of me, but there is a happy person that wants to grab life and savor it that is struggling to get out. I finally feel like I have the courage to let go of some of the control, to risk not being good at something, so that I can experience all that life has to offer.
