UGH!

So this weekend was very emotional for me since it was my mom's birthday and she passed away 4 months ago. Talk about emotional eating!! I didn't care! I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. So This morning I step on the scale and WHAM! 3lbs gained!! How is it that I have to work my ass off all week with a result of maybe 1-2lbs loss, and within 2 days I gain 3lbs??!!

 It's my fault, I knew better and while I was eating those yummy fat infested calorie exploding foods, I did feel guilty afterwords. So...after I slapped myself silly....I'm back to the swing of things...again

I miss her

My mom, I miss her so much. She's been gone for 4 months now but it seems like forever. Not only did I lose a mother, I lost a best friend as well. I would give anything to hear her voice.

 I have such a huge saddness in me it feels like I weigh 1,000lbs. My heart is so heavy I don't know how much grief and sorrow it can hold.

I'm very thankful for the time I got to spend with her while she was at home, waiting for the inevitable, If only I can go back to playing her favourite music, making sure she got her medicine on time and at the right doses, keeping her comfortable and reasuring her that everything will be allright. But while I was holding her hand while she took her last breath, I never would have thought that this will be the most difficult thing I would have to face.

Tomorrow is her birthday. She would have been 57. I feel so damn selfish at times. I want her back! This isn't fair! All my other friends still have their moms! I get tired of them talking "mom and I went Christmas shopping!" "Mom and I went out to dinner."  Do they know how lucky they are?! How I would give to say those things right now! I would give my right arm to be with her again!  But life is cruel at times for the ones here on earth, for I know that she is feeling wonderful in Heaven....I just long for something I cannot have.

 She would always say to me, "You are beautiful inside and out, I don't care how much you weigh just as long you are healthy" While she was in the hospital for those 3 weeks and at home with hospice care for another 2 I turned to food for comfort when I felt overwhelmed. So needless to say after she passed and the funeral was over I tipped the scales at 300. Mom wouldn't want this of me. So I'm going to make her proud and get healthy for her and for me. And once I hit my goal weight I'm going to get a memorial tattoo of my mom, my bestfriend.

My 2 friends

I have 2 wonderful friends that, like me, are overweight. So we decided to do our own little weight loss challenge. I think this will really help us because we can call each other when temptations are high and we can motivate ourselves by working out together. And hopefully by summer time we will be looking pretty good!

Here I go........again

Here I go again. Maybe this time I can finally realize that this is not a diet; but a lifestyle change.