cancer scare, weight loss set-backs, and starting over
My last post was in June of this year and I was on a "high" that I can't even remember now.
Literally a few days after this post, I visited my primary care doctor because I had a large hard lump on my shoulder blade, that was causing me a lot of pain and affecting my range of motion. I was sent for blood tests and eventually had an x-ray done.
After the x-ray, I had an MRI, which was still inconclusive. Then I was sent to Moffitt Cancer Center to meet with an orthopedic surgeon, who also couldn't tell me whether it was cancer or not, but told me that I should have surgery to remove it.
I've been through a tremendous amount of pain, emotionally and physically over this ordeal, but I am thankful that the tests came back and that the tumor was benign.
If you've followed my blog, you'll see that my family is not the most supportive group of people, so I had a difficult time before, during, and after this process "dealing" with the issues associated with having a cancer scare and having surgery and trying to recover.
In saying all that, you all know I am a stress eater and in the past 6 months I've gained 40 pounds. I can't believe it. When I logged in today, it was a reality I didn't even want to face.
I know my "scare" is not an excuse, but I know it is the root of why I've "failed". All the stress and emotions made me revert back to my old ways. I also was unable to take any of the supplements I was used to taking and I couldn't exercise or move much after the surgery.
I have honestly just been living in an awful state of depression for the past 6 months, which really is a stark contrast to where I started this year.
So in saying all that, I've come back to extrapounds to blog about how I'm going to get back on track. Unfortunately, I can't vist the same weight-loss doctor that I was before because I've acquired quite a bit of debt over the past few months (from the surgery and also from being careless with my money), but I'm going to try a "low-cost" alternative to what I was doing before.
Even though I feel that I'm "starting over", I am even more confident this time around because I know that I am able to lose weight in a significant way. I know how to do it and I'm going to come back and be the best I can be again and be as happy as I was before.
I'm still working at the details of my diet plan and when I'll start, but I'll keep you all updated.
Sometimes I can't believe I've lost 70 pounds. I am crying right now just thinking about it. It is unbelievable, I just can't get over it.
I want to keep this positive, but I will say that I am alone in this journey and it helps so much to be able to share my thoughts with the "world". I am thankful for this website and all the people that message me. You all can take a little piece of the credit for my success. :)
I am a mess! I cannot get back on track. I have been miserable lately and it is affecting my weight-loss in a significant way.
Starting on Monday, May 26, I am making a goal to loss 8 pounds (to be in the 170s) by Friday, June 6. I have a party I'm going to and I want to make sure that I am down this much weight by then.
I have finally got my elliptical together and I am going to work out 30 minutes per day and I am going to stick to my diet religiously.
I think I will also make an effort to tan and make sure I'm all made over and dolled up by my goal date.
In other news, my sister started going to my weight-loss doctor, which I find hilarious since she was calling me anorexic when I first started. I am happy for her though, but I have to admit, I don't want her getting skinnier than me!!!
So I'm getting back on track... going "hardcore" and I will report back on Thursday with a progress report!
I haven't been doing very well on my diet. I fell into the trap of taking my focus off of myself and into other things like guys, family, work, etc. I recognize my need to be self-centered, but it's difficult to come to this conclusion without time.
I've learned so much about myself in the last 6 months, probably more than I have in the last 6 years.
My last blog about being self-conscious is really a reflection of how I STILL feel, even almost a month later. Yesterday when I was at the doctor, I talked with my nurse about how I still feel like I'm 250 pounds, even after losing 65. She told me that she thought it was because I have not been dropping weight like I was... which helped me realize that I had only lost less than 4 pounds in almost two months. I had no idea I was doing so poorly!!!!
Wow, I seriously cannot believe that!
I really need to get back on track, I honestly did not even have a clue that I had been doing so badly since I have been so caught up in everything else.
I need to take some time for myself to get things in order and to shift my focus. This is no excuse, but I'm event planner and I have two major events coming up next weekend and then the Saturday after. I have been doing this long enough to realize that a month prior to an event, it consumes your life and now I have two going on basically simutanously and it is difficult to have balance in my life.
Since last month my dog passed away, I was dumped/rejected more times than I want to think about, I've decided to move out of my mom's house and have been packing and cleaning up, and I've just been focused on work way too much.
A lot of these things have been difficult b/c they've made me depressed or sad and I was sooooo incredible happy and estatic about my life prior to about March. I didn't even know how to deal with the sadness of losing my dog or the madness of being rejected. I guess I need to just not worry so much about things that I have no control over and I'll be OK.
So, I'm going to get back on track! My event next weekend is a Ball and I'm looking forward to finding an amazing dress and I'll post pictures after the event.
I'm sure it's because I've been slacking on my diet and I haven't made any significant strides in reaching my goal, but I feel OFFLY horrible about myself lately.
You know, it also probably has to do with the fact that I've lost 62 pounds and I'm still pretty FAT! I mean, I am just straight up still fat. That is so discouraging in itself.
Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my accomplishments and losing the 62 pounds has been the ultimate struggle, but I can't help but be disappointed and almost a little angry that I still have 40 pounds to go.
40 fing pounds! That is a lot of freaking weight.
I just feel like I'm a mini-version of my former 250 pounds self. I feel like I look the same, I've just shrunk a little bit.
I'm just so frustrated that I've got so much more to lose. :(
Also, I am ultra self conscious about my face, my body, my everything.
I'm not used to getting attention from boys, so this is a new revelation.
Last night I was in the handbag section at Macys and I saw a really cute guy and his GF and her mother at the counter. They were there for a long while (I think they were applying for a credit card) and I was just walking around checking everything out. I noticed the guy check me out, but blew it off thinking that he could have been glancing in my direction by chance... but thenI saw his GF hit him!!!! LOL!! It was hilarious. I still looked around in the area and he starred me down again and I just looked and him and smiled. It really made my day that this happened b/c the guy's GF was very cute and skinny!!
I'm noticing all the time now that I'm getting checked out. It is an awesome feeling, but it is semi-uncomfortable b/c I'm totally not used to it.
I didn't really go into detail about my Bday bash in my last blog, but I kissed A LOT of guys that night! I'm not proud that I was such a kissing whore, but it is nice to know that FINALLY guys are attracted to me (and hott ones, at that!). I also got a lot of drinks bought for me.
I hope this blog doesn't sound conceited. I come on here to speak my mind freely, but I just had to write down how awesome it is to get a glance from the opposite sex. I went too long without it!!
I'm 25 now! My birthday was last Friday and it was wonderful. I had a party bus on Saturday and had an amazing celebration for my 25th year. :)
Today I weighed in and I was up .5, which I expected b/c I pretty much ate and drank whatever I wanted. I'm actually surprised I didn't gain more b/c I ate and drank A LOT! My mom's birthday was also this week, so that didn't help either.
I don't feel bad about this gain. I feel as though I went into this week knowing this would happen and it's not a big deal b/c I will be motivated to do well for next week!
A new update with my program is that I complained that I was hungry and they provided me with a different appetite surpressant. I met with my doctor and also with a doctor in training (who's learning the ins and outs of this medical weighloss) and they were both very supportive and told me how great I looked and how wonderful I was doing. I told them it was my birthday this week and the woman DR. (in training) told me that I "couldn't have given myself a better gift!" and I thought that was very sweet and it really made me very proud of myself. My DR. said this new Rx will boast my metabolism, so that I will kick start my weighloss into overdrive! I hope he's right, we'll see next week at my weigh in.
Also, I'm posting up a current body picture. I'm not sure you can tell the shape I'm in b/c I'm wearing a sweater and jeans (it was freezing out!), but you can definitely see the difference! My sash says Birthday Bitch... my friend who made it is hilarious! :)
I met my birthday goal... to be down to 192 (which I think was 192, but for some reason I set my tracker fort 190) and I weighed in at 191 this week! My next goal is to be 175 by April 26... which is going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it.
I looked at my weigh toss tracker today and I actually said to myself... "oh I only have 40 pounds left to go"... now the keyword here is that I said ONLY. I can't believe I said that. I have such a different mind frame now a days when it comes to losing weight. I can say only now b/c I've already lost 60 ! Which is unbelievable in itself and I know the next 40 will be difficult, but I know I can do it.
My nurse on Thursday told me that I have to realize that people would kill to lose 60 pounds and I told her that it happened so fast that I don't even think about how much and how significant that really is.
Anyway my Birthday was truly amazing. I really am celebrating myself and being 25 is wonderful. I wouldn't change anything in my life right now, everything is great!! I am healthy, happy, and successful. It's good to be me. :
Oh and FINALLY my weight is at a point where my BMI is low enough that I am no longer considered obese... I am just considered overweight now and I am thrilled!! LOL. :)
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