07/09/2009 23:09
I'm Back . . . and I'm Mad!
Ever heard the saying "still waters run deep?"
I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself anymore. Last night my life came to a screeeeeeeeeching halt . . . and this morning I can't even face my children . . . how embarassing.
I'm sure you're curious as to what happened . . .
Last night I sat in bed surrounded by my family watching Pineapple Express as I completed my weekly assignment on my laptop. (Yes, I am in school fulltime and working a fulltime job.) That is when it all happened . . .
My mom called me asking if I had lost my cellphone . . . or maybe one of the kids. Apparently, some guy called her saying that he had found a phone and her name was listed as parent. I asked the group perched on my bed and a unanimous "no" was the response . . . but I told her that I would take care of it. So I called my sisters who both said "no" then I asked my husband to call the number of the guy who had found the phone to inquire further . . . and that is when the "shit hit the fan."
The call was placed on speaker phone so we [my family] could play CSI and solve the mystery of the lost phone. We asked about the cellphone number which we didn't recognize . . . then we inquired about the names listed in the phone book. Mostly military with the exception of my mom's number with parents in parenthesis and my first name and maiden name.
In the midst of our inquiry . . . the cellphone rang and the mystery man asked us to hold so he could answer the call . . . it was the owner of the missing phone.
Hurray, mystery solved . . . and the beginning of my interrogation!
My husband was curious (as we all were) as to the identity of the caller. He gave his name and I immediately recognize the name of a guy my older sister dated years ago. Now she has been married almost 16 years.
And now for the next chapter . . .
"So, who is ______________?"
"Some guy my sister ______________ dated years ago"
"So why does he have your name and mom's number?"
"I don't know . . . I have no control over what someone has in their phone book. So what else now?"
"Kids excuse me for just a minute . . . "
. . . and then the shit hit the fan. I don't know what happened but I had just had fucking enough. No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be HER. The one who CHEATED on him. My every move . . . thought . . . or feeling has been questioned from as long as I can remember. I have been woken up with my cellphone asking "who's number is this?" "They left you a message . . . call it."
I ended a relationship with a male cousin because I was told "I wouldn't put it pass anybody to fuck their cousin."
Please excuse my profanity . . . I need someone to hear my pain.
I look in the mirror and the beautiful person that I was . . . is dying and I am being replaced by this sad . . . fat . . . mad person and I can't understand why and how this happened.
If you met my husband . . . you would love him. He is kind and gentle. He loves his children and he has supported my ever move toward a higher education. But he has this problem with trust and I have suffered for ALL that she did.
Things got so bad last night that the cops were at my house because I went beserk and this scared not only my kids but brought my neighbors out of their home.
This morning I am embarrassed and sad . . . I wish someone could understand the heaviness of my heart.
