What is it about men and communication that drive us women crazy? I have tried very hard to master their communication techniques without success. According to Dr. Christine Northrup, author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause, the most important communication skill for women to learn is that you cannot expect your mate to be your best friend. So save the long-winded moaning sessions for your girlfriends. So how should we communicate with our men and how do we teach our little boys to communicate? How do we save our girls from the heart aches we have experienced? Please feel to leave your comments.
According to Steve Stewart, author of 52 Simple Rules to Improve Your Relationship, each partner needs to get what he or she wants from a relationship for it to be successful. Stewart proposes the following four techniques:
Ask for what you want. Stewart says that most people don't ask for what they want because they think they can't get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to learn/to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking. I think I am a pretty straightforward person and have had no problem telling my husband what I want or need. However, I feel that my husband takes it as a form of criticism . . . “I’m not doing what she wants.” Make sense?
Show your partner what you want to receive. "In other words," says Stewart, "give your partner what you would like your partner to give you." I can say that I have not always done this – at least not lately. I feel that I gave so much during the beginning of our relationship and got so little back which has resulted in reluctance.
Learn to negotiate. Relationships are give and take. For example — "Honey, I will cook dinner, if you will do the dishes afterward." This works sometimes for me . . . when things are good between us. However, it is hard to negotiate when you are mad at your partner.
Learn to modify what you want. "Ask yourself if what you want is really something you have to have," says Stewart. I use this technique and it does work sometimes. However, be ready to let go . . . give in . . . and sometimes even bite your tongue.
This has been a good day. I went to the gym and worked out. I am thinking about joining a zumba class in July. My husband is trying . . . and that’s definitely a good thing. As I worked out today, I watched those around me and the fast . . . short spurts on the treadmill and other workout machines . . . and I thought about the word “persistence.”
"Never Quit. Don't ever, ever quit. Recognize that stopping now, regrouping to try a new approach isn't quitting. If you quit you'll regret it forever."~ Rudy Ruettiger
Ok, so the counselor told EMJ a couple of sessions ago about the importance of taking just 15 minutes out of the day to touch base – which he really hasn’t. Anyway, I was feeling pretty empowered after my workout this morning and I have been reading. Yep, reading in-between all the things I have to do. I am reading The Wisdom of Menopause by Christine Northrup, M.D. Excellent book J for any women in her late 30's to early 40's. Here are some excerpts:
Ø . . . take the time, and spend the energy, to resolve old issues and set new ground rules . . . [p. 10].
Ø . . . reinvent ourselves as healthier, more resilient women . . . [p. 11].
Ø . . . like so many other women, became the master shape-shifter, adjusting my own needs to those of everyone else in the family [p. 13].
Anyway, I had my 15 minute chat with EMJ . . . gave him an opportunity to talk . . . he mentioned some general things such as synchronizing our calendars and working on the bills. He also mentioned possible taking some time out ‘just for us’ which opened the door for what was on my mind. EMJs life changed very little after we got married. I was the one left figuring out our mixed-family. Trying to build a bridge so the kids would understand that the adults understood their needs. I was the one who entertained during the summer and played taxi. For the first time I have given that job to EMJ. I have made it clear that I am working on my dissertation proposal and he’s going to jump in and do his part. I tried to convey to EMJ that I needed him to empower my choice to live my life to the fullest and not sabotage my attempts. His response was that I had his support and he understood that this was about me. I had to make it clear that there hasn’t been a “me” in a very long time. It’s about resurrecting “me” which is way overdue.
This is a new morning to a new day . . . to a new week and a new chapter. I have so much to be thankful for and many challenges ahead . . . but if I remember that His eye is on the sparrow then everything will be okay J So here’s my ‘thankful’ list:
Thankful List
1.My family: my parents have been very supportive as I pursue my doctorate, while juggling a fulltime and part-time job, and caring for a family [the youngest being 3 ½ years old]. My husband does take me off track and has caused me many tears but I do love him and appreciate the things that he does do . . . he is a good Dad.
2.My health: I had a scare with a lump in my breast a couple of years ago. Last winter I had several visits to the emergency department related to issues with my thyroid and my heart. But praise God things are better today . . . not perfect, but they are better J
3.My job(s): I am thankful that I am able to go to work every day – many people are without a job or just aren’t able to work.
4.My friends:I don’t have a lot of ‘close’ friends but I do have several friends who are rooting for me and I appreciate them.
5.My home:I am thankful that I have a ‘roof over my head’ and am able to pay my bills. So many times this is taken for granted.
My Challenges [this week]
1.Positive and happy thoughts J
a.I start my new course this week.
b.I meet with the counselor again on Thursday.
c.My husband’s ex is still lurking around – but she’ll be gone in a week [hopefully].
d.So many things to do and so very little time – I think I need a course in time management L
2.Eat healthy meals and snacks.
3.Drink water – this is still challenging.
4.Exercise.
I’d like to make time to do something special just for me [like a massage] but I don’t know where I would fit it in L Oh well, have a great week and thank you for stopping by J
Day Three: Taking it back . . . taking it all back.
Well, after some soul-searching [and feeling sorry for myself] . . . I decided to take it back . . . I’m taking back the power that I gave away yesterday . . . the day before and the day before that. I thought about the stories of women who survived . . . Tina Turner . . . Vanessa Williams . . . to name only a couple. They picked themselves up . . . held their heads high . . . and got their shit together [excuse my language]. So, I made the announcement today to my husband that I am getting “me” straightened out . . . I have no control over what he or anyone else does with their lives but I do have “some” control over mine. With that attitude . . . I got on the treadmill and walked 3.85 miles in 60 minutes. Whoa!
How much worst can life be . . . I must have done something in another life to deserve this. Okay, so EMJ’s ex-wife is in town with our daughter and she’s coming by in a bit to drop of her toothbrush. Mmm . . . I did everything in my power to avoid this special little meeting, but apparently this is some special toothbrush that she needs [she just got her braces removed]. Wonderful for me . . . and what do I do . . . but eat everything in sight. I need a vacation from my life . . .
Moderator: Good morning Madea. Good to see you came back. How did things go last night?
Madea: Hi. I'm not really sure. It was my first visit to this counselor who my husband has seen twice. I'm not really sure if we made any head way.
Moderator: Tell us more . . .
Madea: My husband has some trust issues related to his previous marriage. I have paid the price for his ex-wife cheating. Little does he know that he's cheating us by living in his past. I wish he could get past this . . . He is a good person but this has been a BIG problem for us. I have been patient and understanding but I'm getting tired and wornout. Life is too short not to be happy.
Moderator: What happened last night?
Madea: EMJ picked me up and we headed to our appointment 30 minutes away. I was so mad that things had gotten to this point . . . too mad to talk. He tried to make small talk but I had very little to say in response. He reached over and grab my hand and then the tears came rolling down. How is it possible that this man that I love so much could cause me so much pain? I don't think I have ever been this hurt in my life. I have given so much and after 10 years of giving and giving and being patient and understanding . . . he still has hang-ups about his ex-wife.
Moderator: What did the counselor say?
Madea: Well, after the tears in the car . . . then came the anger. EMJ wanted to know "why are you crying?" Well, why the fuck do you think I'm crying [I thought]. I spouted off in 500 words or less how I felt and then we pulled into the parking lot [thank God].
Moderator: Mmm...
Madea: The introductions were made and we sat to begin our first 'couples' counseling. Dr. H. wanted to know how things had gone since the last session with EMJ. Needless to say the hour went by too fast. Dr. H. believes that we both have a role in this marriage and that "behaviors from one individual can produce a behavior in another."
Moderator: Go on . . .
Madea: I guess an example would be when I am mad and verbal then that causes EMJ to shut down. That's all well and good but I want to know why the fuck he can't get over his ex-wife. But I guess I'll learn more next week.
Moderator: Oh?
Madea: We have another session scheduled for next Thursday. At first I thought this is bullshit, but do need to be open. This has to be hard for EMJ and he wants to work things out [as do I]. So, I will be there next Thursday.
Moderator: What happened after your session?
Madea: EMJ became emotional as the session ended. He talked about how guilty he felt about hurting me and not being there for me when I needed him - like when I found a lump in my breast. When we got in the car - he re-emphasized how bad he felt about letting me down.
Moderator: Mmm...
Madea: I guess my patience has run out with this crap. I told him if he was sorry then he needed to stop living in the past and move forward. I believe in learning from past mistakes . . . not dwelling in them. We didn't say too much to each other on the drive home.
Moderator: What happened when you got home?
Madea: I think I'm in emotional overload and maybe a little depressed. Because I came home and crawled into bed and was asleep within minutes. EMJ was doing laundry and the kids were watching TV.
Moderator: Girl, you have a man that does laundry and watches the kids and you are complaining!
Madea: Yep, I guess something must be wrong with me.
Moderator: Hi Madea. I'm glad that you have chosen to join this forum. Please, tell us a little about yourself.
Madea: Well, I am a mother, wife, student, daughter, nurse, and a professor - not necessarily in that order.
Moderator: Why have you chosen to join this forum?
Madea: I guess, I'm here because I need to take care of me. I wear so many hats . . . I try to be everything to everyone that I have very little left for me.
Moderator: Are you an 'angry black woman?'
Madea: Yes, I am. I have always tried to be a good person . . . thoughtful, but somehow I always get burnt.
Moderator: What do you mean?
Madea: Everyone, absolutely everyone who I have helped along the way have ended up hurting me by taking my kindness for granted.
Moderator: And that has made you angry?
Madea: Yes. I opened my heart to a man 10 years ago - he later became my husband . . . my knight. But the day has come where he too has disappointed me
Moderator: What happened?
Madea: oh gosh, where do I begin. I was a single-mom when I met EMJ. I was beginning grad school. I hadn't planned on ever falling in love again, but I did. But somewhere along the way I lost myself . . . and somewhere along the way he began taking me for granted.
Moderator: Wow, that's pretty deep . . . so you have a plan or something?
Madea: Yes, I do . . . somewhat. Tonight I am suppose to meet with a counselor . . . actually it's someone that EMJ has seen twice. He has 'trust' issues and I have paid the price. So tonight, the wife has been invited . . . not sure what to expect but I'm going. I am unhappy with my life and I'm angry that I allowed things to get out of hand. I'm angry that I haven't taken care of "me."
Moderator: You have a plan?
Madea: I plan to take it one day at a time. I would like to get my marriage straightened out . . . but that takes two and I can't possible make someone want something they don't want. However, I do have some control over how I react to things and how I take care of me. I am a stress-eater. I do believe that if I lost some weight and got back to working out that it would help my attitude.
Moderator: Sounds like a great plan. We will stay tuned to hear about your progress. Good luck to you. Peace be with you.
What is it about men and communication that drive us women crazy? I have tried very hard to master their communication techniques without success. According to Dr. Christine Northrup, author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause, the most important communication skill for women to learn is that you cannot expect your mate to be your best friend. So save the long-winded moaning sessions for your girlfriends. So how should we communicate with our men and how do we teach our little boys to communicate? How do we save our girls from the heart aches we have experienced? Please feel to leave your comments.
Ask for what you want. Stewart says that most people don't ask for what they want because they think they can't get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to learn/to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking. I think I am a pretty straightforward person and have had no problem telling my husband what I want or need. However, I feel that my husband takes it as a form of criticism . . . “I’m not doing what she wants.” Make sense?
Show your partner what you want to receive. "In other words," says Stewart, "give your partner what you would like your partner to give you." I can say that I have not always done this – at least not lately. I feel that I gave so much during the beginning of our relationship and got so little back which has resulted in reluctance.
Learn to negotiate. Relationships are give and take. For example — "Honey, I will cook dinner, if you will do the dishes afterward." This works sometimes for me . . . when things are good between us. However, it is hard to negotiate when you are mad at your partner.
Learn to modify what you want. "Ask yourself if what you want is really something you have to have," says Stewart. I use this technique and it does work sometimes. However, be ready to let go . . . give in . . . and sometimes even bite your tongue.
