I have been exploring some of the many weightloss tools available on the internet as I begin to dismount this emotional roller coaster which has been my life. Taking control is not easy, but I need to do this for myself and my family.
I picked up the book Change One by John Hastings. The concept behind this book is breaking one habit each week for 12 weeks. Check out the website www.changeone.com
Week 1: Breakfast
Roughly 300 calories
The Basic Menu
One grain or starch - roughly a cup of ready-to-eat cereal or a slice of toast
One dairy or high-calcium food - a cup of milk or a cup of yogur
Fruit - one piece, or an equivalent amount of melon or berries
This is the Change-One way so I checked out another source http://www.dietitian.com/ Their recommendations were very similar:
My plan this week is to be more cognizant of breakfast while focusing on my overall health. Noticed I said health, not diet
So, do you have any weighloss tools that you would like to share?
Well it has been 3 days since "the incident" and I am sticking to my guns. I will not allow his insecurities to define or destroy my character. Yes, he says he's sorry but sometimes sorry isn't enough. I need for him to understand how deeply I hurt.
Now, all of this creates an issue for me . . . as I am a stress-eater. I am trying my very best to be conscientious of my eating habits . . . and health. I just can't and won't give away the power over my future . . . Shouldn't my first love be "me?"
Thanks for listening. Any tips on handling stress-eating is greatly appreciated . . .
I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself anymore. Last night my life came to a screeeeeeeeeching halt . . . and this morning I can't even face my children . . . how embarassing.
I'm sure you're curious as to what happened . . .
Last night I sat in bed surrounded by my family watching Pineapple Express as I completed my weekly assignment on my laptop. (Yes, I am in school fulltime and working a fulltime job.) That is when it all happened . . .
My mom called me asking if I had lost my cellphone . . . or maybe one of the kids. Apparently, some guy called her saying that he had found a phone and her name was listed as parent. I asked the group perched on my bed and a unanimous "no" was the response . . . but I told her that I would take care of it. So I called my sisters who both said "no" then I asked my husband to call the number of the guy who had found the phone to inquire further . . . and that is when the "shit hit the fan."
The call was placed on speaker phone so we [my family] could play CSI and solve the mystery of the lost phone. We asked about the cellphone number which we didn't recognize . . . then we inquired about the names listed in the phone book. Mostly military with the exception of my mom's number with parents in parenthesis and my first name and maiden name.
In the midst of our inquiry . . . the cellphone rang and the mystery man asked us to hold so he could answer the call . . . it was the owner of the missing phone.
Hurray, mystery solved . . . and the beginning of my interrogation!
My husband was curious (as we all were) as to the identity of the caller. He gave his name and I immediately recognize the name of a guy my older sister dated years ago. Now she has been married almost 16 years.
And now for the next chapter . . .
"So, who is ______________?"
"Some guy my sister ______________ dated years ago"
"So why does he have your name and mom's number?"
"I don't know . . . I have no control over what someone has in their phone book. So what else now?"
"Kids excuse me for just a minute . . . "
. . . and then the shit hit the fan. I don't know what happened but I had just had fucking enough. No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be HER. The one who CHEATED on him. My every move . . . thought . . . or feeling has been questioned from as long as I can remember. I have been woken up with my cellphone asking "who's number is this?" "They left you a message . . . call it."
I ended a relationship with a male cousin because I was told "I wouldn't put it pass anybody to fuck their cousin."
Please excuse my profanity . . . I need someone to hear my pain.
I look in the mirror and the beautiful person that I was . . . is dying and I am being replaced by this sad . . . fat . . . mad person and I can't understand why and how this happened.
If you met my husband . . . you would love him. He is kind and gentle. He loves his children and he has supported my ever move toward a higher education. But he has this problem with trust and I have suffered for ALL that she did.
Things got so bad last night that the cops were at my house because I went beserk and this scared not only my kids but brought my neighbors out of their home.
This morning I am embarrassed and sad . . . I wish someone could understand the heaviness of my heart.
What is it about men and communication that drive us women crazy? I have tried very hard to master their communication techniques without success. According to Dr. Christine Northrup, author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause, the most important communication skill for women to learn is that you cannot expect your mate to be your best friend. So save the long-winded moaning sessions for your girlfriends. So how should we communicate with our men and how do we teach our little boys to communicate? How do we save our girls from the heart aches we have experienced? Please feel to leave your comments.
According to Steve Stewart, author of 52 Simple Rules to Improve Your Relationship, each partner needs to get what he or she wants from a relationship for it to be successful. Stewart proposes the following four techniques:
Ask for what you want. Stewart says that most people don't ask for what they want because they think they can't get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to learn/to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking. I think I am a pretty straightforward person and have had no problem telling my husband what I want or need. However, I feel that my husband takes it as a form of criticism . . . “I’m not doing what she wants.” Make sense?
Show your partner what you want to receive. "In other words," says Stewart, "give your partner what you would like your partner to give you." I can say that I have not always done this – at least not lately. I feel that I gave so much during the beginning of our relationship and got so little back which has resulted in reluctance.
Learn to negotiate. Relationships are give and take. For example — "Honey, I will cook dinner, if you will do the dishes afterward." This works sometimes for me . . . when things are good between us. However, it is hard to negotiate when you are mad at your partner.
Learn to modify what you want. "Ask yourself if what you want is really something you have to have," says Stewart. I use this technique and it does work sometimes. However, be ready to let go . . . give in . . . and sometimes even bite your tongue.
This has been a good day. I went to the gym and worked out. I am thinking about joining a zumba class in July. My husband is trying . . . and that’s definitely a good thing. As I worked out today, I watched those around me and the fast . . . short spurts on the treadmill and other workout machines . . . and I thought about the word “persistence.”
"Never Quit. Don't ever, ever quit. Recognize that stopping now, regrouping to try a new approach isn't quitting. If you quit you'll regret it forever."~ Rudy Ruettiger
Ok, so the counselor told EMJ a couple of sessions ago about the importance of taking just 15 minutes out of the day to touch base – which he really hasn’t. Anyway, I was feeling pretty empowered after my workout this morning and I have been reading. Yep, reading in-between all the things I have to do. I am reading The Wisdom of Menopause by Christine Northrup, M.D. Excellent book J for any women in her late 30's to early 40's. Here are some excerpts:
Ø . . . take the time, and spend the energy, to resolve old issues and set new ground rules . . . [p. 10].
Ø . . . reinvent ourselves as healthier, more resilient women . . . [p. 11].
Ø . . . like so many other women, became the master shape-shifter, adjusting my own needs to those of everyone else in the family [p. 13].
Anyway, I had my 15 minute chat with EMJ . . . gave him an opportunity to talk . . . he mentioned some general things such as synchronizing our calendars and working on the bills. He also mentioned possible taking some time out ‘just for us’ which opened the door for what was on my mind. EMJs life changed very little after we got married. I was the one left figuring out our mixed-family. Trying to build a bridge so the kids would understand that the adults understood their needs. I was the one who entertained during the summer and played taxi. For the first time I have given that job to EMJ. I have made it clear that I am working on my dissertation proposal and he’s going to jump in and do his part. I tried to convey to EMJ that I needed him to empower my choice to live my life to the fullest and not sabotage my attempts. His response was that I had his support and he understood that this was about me. I had to make it clear that there hasn’t been a “me” in a very long time. It’s about resurrecting “me” which is way overdue.
This is a new morning to a new day . . . to a new week and a new chapter. I have so much to be thankful for and many challenges ahead . . . but if I remember that His eye is on the sparrow then everything will be okay J So here’s my ‘thankful’ list:
Thankful List
1.My family: my parents have been very supportive as I pursue my doctorate, while juggling a fulltime and part-time job, and caring for a family [the youngest being 3 ½ years old]. My husband does take me off track and has caused me many tears but I do love him and appreciate the things that he does do . . . he is a good Dad.
2.My health: I had a scare with a lump in my breast a couple of years ago. Last winter I had several visits to the emergency department related to issues with my thyroid and my heart. But praise God things are better today . . . not perfect, but they are better J
3.My job(s): I am thankful that I am able to go to work every day – many people are without a job or just aren’t able to work.
4.My friends:I don’t have a lot of ‘close’ friends but I do have several friends who are rooting for me and I appreciate them.
5.My home:I am thankful that I have a ‘roof over my head’ and am able to pay my bills. So many times this is taken for granted.
My Challenges [this week]
1.Positive and happy thoughts J
a.I start my new course this week.
b.I meet with the counselor again on Thursday.
c.My husband’s ex is still lurking around – but she’ll be gone in a week [hopefully].
d.So many things to do and so very little time – I think I need a course in time management L
2.Eat healthy meals and snacks.
3.Drink water – this is still challenging.
4.Exercise.
I’d like to make time to do something special just for me [like a massage] but I don’t know where I would fit it in L Oh well, have a great week and thank you for stopping by J
Day Three: Taking it back . . . taking it all back.
Well, after some soul-searching [and feeling sorry for myself] . . . I decided to take it back . . . I’m taking back the power that I gave away yesterday . . . the day before and the day before that. I thought about the stories of women who survived . . . Tina Turner . . . Vanessa Williams . . . to name only a couple. They picked themselves up . . . held their heads high . . . and got their shit together [excuse my language]. So, I made the announcement today to my husband that I am getting “me” straightened out . . . I have no control over what he or anyone else does with their lives but I do have “some” control over mine. With that attitude . . . I got on the treadmill and walked 3.85 miles in 60 minutes. Whoa!
How much worst can life be . . . I must have done something in another life to deserve this. Okay, so EMJ’s ex-wife is in town with our daughter and she’s coming by in a bit to drop of her toothbrush. Mmm . . . I did everything in my power to avoid this special little meeting, but apparently this is some special toothbrush that she needs [she just got her braces removed]. Wonderful for me . . . and what do I do . . . but eat everything in sight. I need a vacation from my life . . .
Moderator: Good morning Madea. Good to see you came back. How did things go last night?
Madea: Hi. I'm not really sure. It was my first visit to this counselor who my husband has seen twice. I'm not really sure if we made any head way.
Moderator: Tell us more . . .
Madea: My husband has some trust issues related to his previous marriage. I have paid the price for his ex-wife cheating. Little does he know that he's cheating us by living in his past. I wish he could get past this . . . He is a good person but this has been a BIG problem for us. I have been patient and understanding but I'm getting tired and wornout. Life is too short not to be happy.
Moderator: What happened last night?
Madea: EMJ picked me up and we headed to our appointment 30 minutes away. I was so mad that things had gotten to this point . . . too mad to talk. He tried to make small talk but I had very little to say in response. He reached over and grab my hand and then the tears came rolling down. How is it possible that this man that I love so much could cause me so much pain? I don't think I have ever been this hurt in my life. I have given so much and after 10 years of giving and giving and being patient and understanding . . . he still has hang-ups about his ex-wife.
Moderator: What did the counselor say?
Madea: Well, after the tears in the car . . . then came the anger. EMJ wanted to know "why are you crying?" Well, why the fuck do you think I'm crying [I thought]. I spouted off in 500 words or less how I felt and then we pulled into the parking lot [thank God].
Moderator: Mmm...
Madea: The introductions were made and we sat to begin our first 'couples' counseling. Dr. H. wanted to know how things had gone since the last session with EMJ. Needless to say the hour went by too fast. Dr. H. believes that we both have a role in this marriage and that "behaviors from one individual can produce a behavior in another."
Moderator: Go on . . .
Madea: I guess an example would be when I am mad and verbal then that causes EMJ to shut down. That's all well and good but I want to know why the fuck he can't get over his ex-wife. But I guess I'll learn more next week.
Moderator: Oh?
Madea: We have another session scheduled for next Thursday. At first I thought this is bullshit, but do need to be open. This has to be hard for EMJ and he wants to work things out [as do I]. So, I will be there next Thursday.
Moderator: What happened after your session?
Madea: EMJ became emotional as the session ended. He talked about how guilty he felt about hurting me and not being there for me when I needed him - like when I found a lump in my breast. When we got in the car - he re-emphasized how bad he felt about letting me down.
Moderator: Mmm...
Madea: I guess my patience has run out with this crap. I told him if he was sorry then he needed to stop living in the past and move forward. I believe in learning from past mistakes . . . not dwelling in them. We didn't say too much to each other on the drive home.
Moderator: What happened when you got home?
Madea: I think I'm in emotional overload and maybe a little depressed. Because I came home and crawled into bed and was asleep within minutes. EMJ was doing laundry and the kids were watching TV.
Moderator: Girl, you have a man that does laundry and watches the kids and you are complaining!
Madea: Yep, I guess something must be wrong with me.
