Just wanted to log on to say...

That I have nothing to say.

I don't know.  I'm off to work...maybe more later.

I'm so disguted with myself.

*sigh*

they're going on a date tonight and she's bound to call me and tell me all about it.

great.

Not exactly a weight blog...

So I went to a party tonight.  Just a fun, lots of drunk people around me, house party.  I don't drink so of course I was sober.  I've been to that house before and it's always a good time, lost of nerds who play Live Action Role Playing games...which I don't get but I don't judge people on those kinds of things.  There are normally new people who show up who come with people who've shown up before because it really is just a laid back good time.  I mean besides the whole guitar hero thing which I've never seen before tonight and they put on a journey song and sang it at the top of their lungs like the losers they are lol....Anyway so this new kid, John, or something, was there and he's not really my type but he's my friends' type so he walks away and she's all aw I really think he's cute.

I don't like the tall skinny, skaterboy longish hair look on guys.  But he has beautiful blue eyes.  ANyway, Beka is one of my closest friends and it's been a while since she's liked someone.  She was wasted tonight, probably still is come to think of it, and I'm happy for her that she likes someone.  So among the masses of people there were 2 or 3 sober people and me being one of them I wanted to amuse myself so I reverted back to highschool girl mode and decided to find out if John likes Beka.

So I went inside (I was outside with Beka and my best friend ashley) and sat next to John And I said oh I was looking for you.  He turned towards me and put his arm up to support himself (he was also drunk) and I went into a shpeal about how sorry I was acting that way and then I asked if he thought she was cute and nice.  He said yes so I got up, went back outside and told Beka to get his phone number.  Beka went inside and John came outside (confused yet?) and asked me if I was talking about my friend or me...which leads me to believe he thought I was talking about me and thinks I'm cute.

Now, it's been a long time since someone told me, even in a roundabout way, that they think I'm cute or attractive.  But since I'm her best friend and she liked him first (after having a conversation with him I found out he's intelligent and that attracts me a lot...) I said that yes I think he's adorable but she likes him.

The night contiunued with him sending me mixed signals and kinda flirting with Beka some more since I told him and my heart hurting because for the first time in a long time someone may or may not have liked me and I let it go.  But my girls will hopefully always be there and a guy probably wont.

So thanks for letting me bitch.  I just hate the whole situation.  I left without telling John goodbye because I just wanted to leave and not find out anymore if he liked me or not.  It also started to thunder and lightening and I wanted to get home before having to drive in pouring rain and fog.

Oy.

Day 3

And so far so good.  I worked tonight at Jenny Craig and it was sooo busy but that means that 4 hours passed faster than I expected.  I barely had time to finish what I wanted to finish and then it was close at 8.  SO much better than working 6-10.  The hours are the same (4 hour shift) but getting home at 8:15 is so much better than 10:30.  When I'm up at 6 the next morning I would rather get the chance to just relax before sleep than have to go right to bed when I'm still worked up from my job.

This girl in my English class told me she might have a job opening as an administrative assistant but if there's an opening I wont take it.  I need my job at Jenny Craig so I can continue bringing home food because I can't afford to otherwise and I need my job at MACY's becaue if I'm still there when I graduate I'll have a good job right out of college.  So I'd be making...a lot more money by the hour (6 dollars more to be exact) but um, yea my future is really what I need to think about.  It sucks not to be able to take the job because I'd rather work less and make more but I can't.  I need to be able to bring this food home.

I need to be able to lose this weight.  And I will.  I'm not all driven and yea like woah in an annoying way.  I just know I want to lose the weight.  I want to be able to fit into cuter clothes and have fun at my age and meet guys without being TOO self-conscious.  It is possible, I just need to do it.

Eright kids I'm out, night!

AAAAHHHH

Ok it's only noon and my head is POUNDING.  It's literally day 1of being back on plan, writying everything down on my personalozed menu that I took from work, and ow. I want to get back into my smaller size jeans.  Because I can button them, but then there's this stomach bulge thing goin on lol.  I'm a little lonely and I'm trying not to imagine that my weight is what's stopping me from getting out there, but having such low self esteem blows.

I had a good mental victory today guys.  Normally I drive myself crazy telling myself that I need to exercise or else...yea negative thoughts.  And then I was like, no, damn it, I'm just getting back on track.

Guys I gained back almost half of what I lost over the last year...in like 6 months.  That's what entemanns baked goods will get you.  And I don't want that anymore!!!  I want to be proud of myself, and happy with myself and healthy.  I don't want to have headaches because I didn't consume ghastly amounts of calories!  I know what I want to eat, and I'm hoping that changes eventually.  So I'm taking this literally one meal at a time and writing everything down and drinking water, at least 9 glasses/day and god damn it I need to just get through the next 6 weeks and finish this semester and ahhhhh!

Sorry I'm so disorganized I'm just like, oh my god I had spring break this week and I slept a lot.  And worked some and now I should be at work but uh yea I have homework to do so I didn't go in today and hopefully I wont get fired bc of it bc I need both jobs.

oy, I'm losing my mind,

tonight...

Yea so the center director at JC called yesterday (not even 24 hours later) and tonight I officially start back there.  And tomorrow i'm working as well from 8-2 and tomorrow night im at macy's from 6-10.  It's going to be a helluva long day because I'm nervous about going back.

But excited.  Maybe this will be my motivation to get back on track with this diet thing, which I have yet to do.  Every day I just go out and eat like a schmillion calories.

Oy.

Therapy soon, I'll blog again later.

Sooooo, developments?

I'm not sure how much I weigh.  I know I've gained, I can tell because my clothes aren't fitting the same.  But...today I cheated, but not as much as I have, and now I'm done cheating.  I don't want to gain anymore, I want to freakin lose this stomach!  I'm not quite ready to do any kind of hard core work out but I'm trying to walk around more, you know, not be as lazy as I know I have been.  Get up and throw shit out, clean, do what I need to do.  Maybe the day after tomorrow I'll get to the gyma nd just get on a treadmill.  Nothing huge, but SOMEthing.  I went to JC today to pick up food because I have nothing left and when I'm not prepared, I will eat EVERYthing.

That's what I've been doing.  Eating everything and anything, no matter how many calories are in whatever it is I shove inside my mouth.  So I needed to get some food to be prepared for those moments.  And, of course, now that I'm trying to be *good* my head is POUNDing, like the first week of eating non sugar things.  Damn withdrawal.  I need to drink more water and just put a pillow over my head and ignore the cravings.  So I just took 3 advil and now I'm going to lie down. 

I may also be getting my job at Jenny Craig back.  I can work "on call" at MACY's to keep my discount and I do love my job but I don't make nearly as much money as I need to to likie...survive.  My family is going through some really hard shit and until it's time to take out my school loans I'm struggling to pay my bills.  At least at JC I know I can work like 25-30 hr's opposed to my measly 15-19 hours at MACY's.  I want to excel at this and I want to move up the corporate ladder but I also need to pay bills right now.

It's been too hard with everything else around me to focus on food and weight loss.  But I DO want to lose weight.  That right there is the bottom line.  So I have to try.

so it's been a awhile

And my life is kinda sorta falling apart.  Well, ok, the DL on me is I'm on both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and the last few weeks have been...hard.  After being back up to 237, I lost 2 pounds and then...uh, yea.

Well I became a vegetarian, I don't remember if I put that here and it's been a little over 3 weeks.  Read the book Skinny Bitch, the chapter called "You are what you eat" and tell me how it made you cry.  It made me cry, yea so now I don't eat meat.  Being on JC though...well, there are maybe like 3 meals that are vegan-friendly so I'm trying to be as meat and dairy free as possible, staying on the program, which means I'm doing a lot of my own meals.  And eating a lot of calories and fat and sugar.  That has nothing to do with being vegetarian, but how I cope when I'm feeling bad.  I can't talk to my Mom about it because it'll make her sad and I love her so that's no good and I don't talk to my Dad about it because he's not very good with the depression-talk and my friends don't really get it.

My bff took me out friday night because she decided I needed to get out of the house and away from the environment I was in and I spilled everything to her.  I don't know how to cope, and even though I know I use food to cope, I don't feel like changing it.  And when I get into moods like this I want to eat what I want, when I want, and how much I want.  So for the past like, week I've had a lot of shit, EVERY day.  I haven't had one good day, and I mean good as in not spending money on boxes of entemanns baked goods.  I know I'm bitching again, but not in a depressed way.  I actually said, out loud, to myself today, I don't know how to stop.  And I'm very alone right now bc I'm a hermit during the school year.  I'm getting my AA in May and I need to just focus on not missing any more class, which tends to happen when I feel like shit.

I have yet to exercise in like, 3 weeks.  I had to double my hours at work because my family is going through a bit of a crisis financially (we're not broke yet but we need to be careful) so I didn't make it to JC on friday bc I couldn't pay for it.  It's only like $30/week for me now but I can't afford it and probably wont be able to for yet another week.  I will be working 5-6 days a week and I know, for me, that when I'm a student, I can't work that much.  I am a workaholic and I love to work and make money and so if I work a lot, it's like a drug, I just keep on using.  And I forget that school comes first.  Hopefully I'll remember that this time around and if it gets to be too much I'll cut back again.  But I need the money to pay bills, pay for JC, and pay my damn gym bill because I know if I could, I'd go and just like, walk on the treadmill or something to make me get back into an exercise thing.

I feel hollow.  I'm not angry anymore (I was like, filled with rage and hate for 2 weeks there but my meds have been changed since then) and now I just...I don't look forward to anything and I seem to be moving with no end in sight.  I don't look forward to anything every day and my next fun thing will be my post-holiday party that MACY's is throwing for us next sunday.  I wish I could just say, ok tomorrow I'll be on point, foodwise.  And really, considering I have negative dollars in my checking account, I should be able to say it, but like...I'm pathetic in that way.

Oh well, so there, I've caught you all up.

Is it friday yet?

And no, I'm not excited bc it's my weigh in day, bc...that would be FUNNY but because I work again.  I love to work.  That means I'm not home and I'm with people who I have fun with and that I'm doing what I love to do.  And when I work Saturday, the food thing is easy.  Breakfast, dinner for lunch, and I bring my lunch with me bc it's easier to eat at work...and snacks somewhere in between all of that.  When I'm working...well, I smoke more than usual but even though I'm at the mall, I'm not really tempted to eat.  My only problem is not seeing Ashley after work, bc we both work (in the same store) til close at 10:30 and then it's just easy to go to Chilis nearby and sit and have a nice time.

I was watching the Biggest Loser last night, which I fell in love with and never saw before this season.  At the end, the woman who was sent home was talking about how she continuede to lose when she went home, 70 lb's or something like that, and how she now "sees food as fuel".  I CAN'T do that!  And I've been *dieting* for over a year now and that's definitely more than she was, and I still cant do that.  I love cake.  I do, and I KNOW that's not fuel.  That's a sugar high that brings you down severely when your body absorbs it.  I had a fantastic Superbowl Sunday.  I had one small small slice of pizza and then a sausage (and a bun, and i guess the small amount of cheese that's inside the sausage...haha) and I was good.  I had the raw veggies that were bought for me and then...I fell into 3 slices of cake.  Since then I haven't been perfect, but seriously, I wasn't THAT bad. 

Today I ate 3 cadbury cream eggs.  Because I went to CVS to pick up a pack of cigarettes and there were the Easter candy (yea I know it's February).  And CVS is EVIL but that's where cigarettes are the least expensive and I worked there so I should have been like aware, in my head, that that candy would be there.  Soooo I'm going to count it as like 600 calories at least and um, I guess deal with the weight gain come friday morning.  Maybe I'll maintain.  Probably not.

I just can't change this.  Argh!

so...?

I'm having a conversation with my Dad about bartending/  I don't remember why I brought it up but I said, if I wasn't at MACY's (for my future) I'd totally bartend for the tips.

He said, lose 20 pounds and go for it.

When I was 50 pounds heavier he was telling me to bartend.  Uh, so ok, he's on weight watchers.  My mom, dad, and myself are all on diets.  First of all, I already feel like I'm fat ugly and disgusting, but I did not need my father, who had a great conversation with me earlier, to be so...god.  Why does everyone think I have such insecurity, why my job and schooling are my prioritites.  Because I KNOW I'll never get anywhere with my looks in ANY department so I really have to work with my brains, and being smart, and 100% at everything I do.  This is why I am such a perfectionist.

How does he think I already feel knowing I weigh a lot more than my 55 year old father, much less knowing he thinks I'm still too ugly to serve alcohol.

I hate hate hate myself.