Second time around

Poem of the day

Don't Quit

Quote of the day

We fail because we don't strike the iron while it's hot.

We don't take immediate action toward achieving what

we want. We decide to wait until tomorrow,

or next week, or even next month.

--Author Unknown

I really like this quote because it's so true. My husband and I loved to say that we would start our "diet" on Monday. Over the summer I noticed my friends were saying it too. The one I always heard everyone say was, "Well, I'll just eat this now and start fresh on Monday." Monday would come and go and then there would be a half-hearted attempt and then by the middle of the week they would say, "oh well, I screwed up, I'll just try it again on Monday". It's an unfortunate cycle and if we want results we can't push it off to another day, it has to begin with right now!

Something wicked this way comes

Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth

I am so into the musical Wicked right now. I wish I could actually afford to go see it. Oh well, thank goodness for youtube!!!  I especially love the song Defying Gravity, to me it just seems like the perfect motivational weight loss song, one that will get me and keep me moving.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:

There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Little kids...aren't they cute? Not!

I know how kids can be...I have three of them. They don't mean to hurt our feelings...they're just being honest, but sometimes it's just too honest. 

I dropped off my kindergartener to school today and as she was signing in, this lovely (sarcastic) little boy came up to me, looked me up and down then stared at my belly and asked me if I was pregnant. I calmly said no....he then asked again very loudly,  "why is your stomach like that then?"

I just responded with the first thing that came to my mind. I said, "Well, I'm just fat." I know, I know there should have been a better answer but at that moment it didn't come to me. I know he wouldn't have understood if I even tried to explain, but I really wanted to say, "Look little man, I have been working my butt off for the last two months and I look damn good!"

I can't wait for the day...that I no longer have to worry that some small person is going to say some--I'm sure unintentional but, nonetheless--nasty remark or whether I will fit into the theater chair at my children's school; actually I tried this the other day and yippee for me, I did not have a problem! I can't believe how losing 35 lbs has changed me so much. Life is definitely good...even with the occasional snags!!! 

My wake-up call...

Everyone has a wake -up call. In fact, most people have many. The problem is realizing that you are having one and taking advantage of the opportunities. Actually I think we get a bunch of mini wake-up calls, things warning us of impending doom if changes aren’t made. Then when we don’t heed those warnings a major wake-up call will occur, drastically changing someone’s life forever.

Well my wake up call came in June of this year, on my birthday. That’s when I found out my biological father passed away. I was doing some research for my mom in the social security death index; when for some unknown reason, I decided to type his name in. What a shock that was for me. I had just spoken to him the year before, which actually made me feel worse. I had kept telling him that I would try to come visit him soon.

I felt terrible, I wish I could have at least visited him once in my adult life or at least my daughters could have met him. I just couldn’t though; I had so much anger and resentment towards him but most of all I couldn’t get over my embarrassment of being so overweight. I just couldn’t let my dad or his family, see me this way. They had all only known me as this really skinny child. I had been like that until I turned 17, then things changed.

I actually wouldn’t have thought this would be a major wake-call for me, because I just didn’t know him that well. The next day though something just clicked in my head and I thought, “Damn, this could be me in a few years.” 

I don’t know what the real cause of his death was; I never really got contacted by his family. I know they are mad at me for not visiting him. I believe though, what contributed to his death was the fact that he had diabetes and heart problems. As far as I understand he had been overweight for a long time, they even had to amputate both of his big toes because of the diabetes.

My aunt had told me that he lost a lot of weight, to help fight his diabetes, but I guess it wasn’t enough. He was only 61, way too young to die by today’s standards.

I think what scared me the most was that I was already starting to get the symptoms of diabetes. Besides the normal back aches and pains, I had other problems. Between February and March of this year, I had gained 25 lbs. I had ballooned to a total of almost 300 lbs. I just couldn’t believe it, but I was in denial. Until of course the symptoms started happening.

I was tired and cranky all the time. In April I started having lots of female problems, and my asthma had gotten worse. It was so bad that in May I developed pneumonia. I started feeling like I always had to go to the bathroom, I was hungry all the time, I was itching a lot too. Although I was having all of these issues I did have one bit of blessing, but it came in the disguise of a curse.

My HMO decided that we poor folks weren’t paying enough for the doctor’s in our city and that in order to keep our regular doctors; we would just have to pay through the nose. I couldn’t afford this with three children, so after switching three times, I finally found one (of course, she was located in another city!).

This doctor was wonderful she listened to all my problems and fears and decided right then and there that I needed help. I was speechless, this was the first time that I had actually had a doctor do something about my weight. Now don’t get me wrong my previous doctor was wonderful. He was really a great doctor, in the ten years that I saw him, he knew how to fix almost all of my physical ailments, except of course my weight.

Every time I brought up the subject he would suggest the newest weight loss craze. One year he told me to do the Atkins Diet. I felt so sick after the first two weeks, but I pushed forward. After a month though, I gave up and gained the weight I lost plus more back. Then the next year he told me to try Weight Watchers. This was good for a little while because my co-workers did it with me, but after a few months we all gave up and of course all the weight I lost plus more came back.

I think the biggest thing is though, if a person is not ready to make a commitment, then nothing will really work for them in the long run. I believe this is what really changed within me. I thought about his death and how in a few short years that could be me.  Once you cross a certain point, sometimes there is just no way to come back. What would happen to my daughters? How could I be so selfish, only thinking of myself and my desires for food?

So this really kind and wonderful new doctor knew that I needed help and although she said that she didn’t like prescribing these types of medicine, she felt I needed a push in the right direction. She prescribed me two months worth of Phentermine.

At first, I was fearful, that this medicine would get my hopes up and then do nothing for me or that I would become addicted to it (everyone said so), even the side effects sounded bad. In the end, I gave it try and the first whole weekend was bliss. I never once felt a hunger pang; I didn’t even have my normal thoughts of food. My eternal obsession with what was I going to eat for the next meal.

It was the greatest weekend ever, but by Monday I guess it lost some of its effectiveness. I started having the hunger pangs again. The good thing though, was that they were so mild, I barely noticed them. I was able to get myself on a regular schedule that I followed religiously. I had even started exercising the week before.

My co-workers and I would go to the gym at lunch and spend an hour there. This kept me very motivated! I thank them so much from the bottom of my heart for not stopping and going even when they didn’t feel like it.

Even when I had to change the times that I went to the gym because my daughters went back to school, I didn’t stop. My friends can’t make it in the morning (they do try to go with me in the evening), but it doesn’t bother me. I don’t have those fears anymore that people are looking at me and talking bad about me. I just don’t care. Maybe it’s because of my mp3 player, it virtually blocks out the world and I love it. 

So, now I go in the morning after I drop them off at school and then again in the evening after work. I just have to get in, at very least 60 minutes a day. It doesn’t seem like much, but I am reaping the benefits. It has only been a little over two months and I have lost 35 lbs. I’m ecstatic and oh so positive!!! Life is great!!!

The best part was that right before 4th of July, I had bought blue jeans to go down to visit family for the holiday and I didn’t notice till I got home and tried them on that they were a size two small. I mean I tried really hard, but could not get the zipper to zip in anyway, there had to have been at least a two inch gap. Imagine my surprise when I tried them on a week and half ago and I had absolutely no problems pulling them on or zipping them up. It was the greatest feeling ever.

I’m just so proud of myself, for finally making a change. People keep telling me that I am looking good and asking what diet am I doing. I tell them I’m not dieting…I just made a lifestyle change. Dieting in my opinion never ever works. It has been the best two months; I honestly feel that Phentermine is a god-send.  The only bad thing is that my medicine ended last week, I just wonder how this next month will go, but I'm still thinking positively.

Wow, I didn’t imagine that my first real blog would have been so long, guess I had a lot to say. I really enjoyed this experience it was nice to get it all out…even if no one ever reads it. I think I will have a lot more to say…so stay tuned.

Owww

Oh the frustration and pain, I just spent a whole hour writing my first blog and all for not. I did not see the little button at the top that said click "back to editing post", so like a big dummy I hit the back button and lost everything!!! Oh my goodness, that is so harsh. I think I will always make sure to save my work from now on.