Last night a friend of mine called to set up brunch plans during an upcoming trip she's making to this area. We were talking about work and I was telling her how frustrated and burnt out I've been with having to two jobs since we haven't been able to hire a Residence Director yet.
She said, "Well, I know you've always been interested in the Associate Director position here. It looks like we're going to have to close out our search and reopen it in the spring because our candidates fell through."
When this job first opened up I made a conscious decision NOT to apply for it. My relationship with E was still new and I wanted to see where that was going to go. Some interesting opportunities at work were opening up (which have since been sidelined because we're chronically understaffed).
Now, however, I'm giving it a second thoughts. I thought it might be nice to live near several of my friends again. It's at a school I love and in a town I adore and still travel to 3-4 times a year. Part of me also thinks that the search re-opening is a sign for me to reconsider it.
But I need to include E on that conversation. Especially since it's 4.5 hours away from here. So, today, he called me on his way to work. I told him about it. I told him I wanted to know what he thought, but I wanted to give him time to think about it first. (In other words: "we can talk about it in person when you come over this weekend.")
Instead, he responded immediately. I don't remember a word of what he said, but I know it was non-specific and negative. I stopped him and said, "I don't want to hear what you have to say right now. I want you to have time to think about it."
Awkward change of subject ensued, but the conversation only lasted a minute or two longer because he was at work.
Follow that with my own mini meltdown. That simple reaction gave me soooo much doubt about our relationship. I was near tears at the grocery store attempting to pick up some soup-making supplies (you think I'd learn to keep like 20 cans of beans and 50 gallons of broth in the house with my love of soup). I had horrible thoughts running through my head at breakneck speeds, many were tossing a lot of doubt as to his ability to grow up and live my vision of an adult life. The rest were doubts as to whether he really saw a future with ME.
Talk about a dark stormcloud hanging over MY head for a couple hours.
Interesting, EP related sidenote: I had to make a conscious decision NOT to eat, even though it was dinner time. I was ready to start stuffing my face with food. I've since calmed down and eaten a healthy, balanced, portion-controlled dinner.
He texted me from work (bad idea and good idea at the same time) to say "I just wanted to say I hope it didn't sound too negative about you applying for the job. It just took me by surprise. I know the plan might be to move back there some day but that suddenly turned into soon day. Anywho, it's great you have a possible opportunity up there and I never want to be in the way of your career path, so thanks for thinking of me and do what you think is good. Who knows? Maybe it will work out! Love ya."
WTH?
That sounds like a "thanks but no thanks" to me. I don't know what to make of it. And--P.S.!--this is NOT a conversation to have via text.
More dark storm clouds ensue.
Instead, I pulled it together and wrote back:
Thanks for the text, but I really just wanted to float the idea by you so you could have time to think about it and we could have a discussion later. This is a surprise opportunity for me too. I'm not looking for a yea or nay from you necessarily. I want to know what you think and what "we" would do if this "maybe" turned into a reality. This is me trying to actively consider you in my life as I make big decisions. :) This is also a discussion that needs to be tabled until we can do it in person. Love you too.
I've was single for a long time before I started dating him, so I've tended to not consider or involve him when I make big decisions (car shopping, for example), and he's called me out on that and has said that his expectation is that we are in a relationship and we should be discussing these things with each other and considering each others opinions and feelings. So the first time I do this he gets flustered and then gives me a dismissive text like that? I'm sure he didn't mean it... I just can't wait until we can really talk about this in person, not via e-mail, text or phone, tomorrow night or Sunday morning.
I should have considered his surprise when I broached the topic. I was expecting to have a conversation along the lines of: what do you think of this? if I got it and decided to take it, would you be interested in coming with me?
Fortunately, I'm less stressed now (sending that text to him and blogging here helped), but I'm still agitated/restless and need to find a way to deal with it effectively. I have to go to a work event (which could be fun and a distraction) now, but then I'm coming home, hopping into my pjs and settling down with a cup of hot cocoa and a movie.
Have a good weekend folks... I'm sure I'll blog about the discussion E and I have about the job.
). Maybe if I want to get better results and truly bust through this plateau (that feels like a landslide), I should apply for TBL... ?