Hmmm... so far, no swimming and walking, the laundry is piled up on the kitchen table and I've averaged 4 hours a sleep a night the past two nights with another couple hours a night of restless dozing.

Fortunately, I haven't touched the percoset, my food choices have been okay. Yes, I splurged on a cheese dog at Five Guys last night, but instead of getting the fries I craved, I brought my cheese dog home to eat with my leftover salad and 16 oz of water. My weight stayed at 235-point-something this morning, evidence that the decision wasn't a horrible one and I AM maintaining daily WIs.

The new school year always makes me think of setting new goals. I love working in higher education because every semester is kinda like a fresh year. (And I am particularly excited about fall--I love the way the air is crisp and the way it smells, the temperature is perfect...) So I decided to set a couple longer-term goals and priorities for the semester. I actually need to start posting my goals at home and at work on my calendars. Normally, goals are very future-oriented and progressive, but I want to focus on getting back to normalcy, career-wise, relationship-wise and workout/fitness-wise:

• Get through surgery and follow the aftercare so I can return to a gym routine.
• Work with a trainer, post-surgery to ensure future back health
• Be in the 220s by November and weigh between 210-220 by January 1st. (This would mean I need to lose another 7 lbs in the next two months.)
• Enjoy my time with E post-surgery and don't overanalyze where the relationship is going or where I want it to go. Just let things be and take it day-by-day. We need to return to normalcy before thinking too long-term about our relationship.
• Post-surgery: I'm not sure why, but I really want to relive my first date with E. We met at a Red Robin because the weather (1st snow of the season and rush hour traffic) was making it difficult to get to the restaurant near me where we were going to meet. We talked for 3 hours and both ordered burgers w/mushrooms (mine: medium rare, his: medium). I knew his fave cereal was Golden Grahams, so I gave him a mini-box which he still has.
• Update my resume and set new professional goals for myself. Prioritize projects for work and set a timeline for completion (work those tasks into my schedule) instead of getting bogged down by the little details and juggling too many things at once.

E noticed my scale yesterday. He asked if it was new. I told him I just decided to keep it out as a reminder to be attentive to my weight. Admittedly, normally I hide it when guests come over, because it saves my previous WI results. This week I decided to read the darn manual that it came with and delete that option. So E stepped on the scale (admittedly, at night after work and dinner). It registered 261. I was a little bummed that I'm only 26 lbs less than him. He wants to get down to 210, but he's been eating horribly and not working out. I worry that the stress of his job and me being--broken? injured? Not necessarily sick--is getting to him. And I think it's starting to bug him that he doesn't make as much money as he'd like, and he is struggling to define what it is that he really wants to do (besides design/sell t-shirts). Unfortunately, the economy has impacted the job market in this area, which doesn't help.

Lately, he's been concerned that we really haven't spent much time together, so he decided to come over after work last night. In some ways, it sucked, because, due to his work schedule, it meant that I slept from 10p-2 or 3a and then from 5a-7a so we could spend some time together and talk. But, I really think we needed that time. It's pretty intimate to just lie there in the dark in each others arms and talk for a couple hours when you know that hardly anyone else is awake. We talked about the upcoming elections, political coverage on the Jon Stewart show and MSNBC, the crazy patients he had at work, a couple crazy situations I had at work, family stuff (my dad's skin cancer might be back--will there ever be a moment when everyone in my family is healthy and well?) and some new leads he found in terms of developing the t-shirt business. And the whole time, he was either stroking my hair or arm. I definitely needed the affection fix.  

I've noticed a little oddity lately... I've been obsessed with picking up pennies for good luck. I don't know why--this is a new thing--but I actually have a little collection of about 6-7 pennies that I've found in the past few weeks. I think it's pre-surgical nerves. I'm actually considering giving them all to E to hold onto while I'm in surgery. I'm already getting jittery, and I still have 5 weeks to go. Not a good sign. Until then, I'll keep collecting pennies.

Ugh. So last night I was on duty for work and got a call around 2:30 am. I ended up getting home around 3:30 and then couldn't sleep, so I called E and chatted until I was tired enough to snooze a little. But, seriously, by 5am I questioned whether I should just get up and go to work.

I'm not sure if it's the healthy eating, water consumption or lack of sleep, but I was down to 235-point-something this morning. That was nice. It made the bleary-eyed getting out of bed part of the day a little more bearable.

I really want a nap right now, but instead, I'm leaving work a little early (comp time from last night) to get my brows waxed, go to the bank and get a pedicure. All are trips long overdue.

BTW, I'm an online banking convert. I used to hate it but my bank makes it so easy that I hate having to deal with checks now!

I made the best greek salad last night: romaine, artichoke hearts, chopped kalamata olives, minced red onion, diced cuke, feta cheese and Ken's Steakhouse light romano italian dressing. The only thing that was missing was the roasted red peppers and pepperoncini. I couldn't get the jars open! I'll try again tonight when I have greek salad leftovers. I'm also making a frittata (crustless quiche) with egg whites, morningstar vegetarian breakfast sausage, mushrooms and spinach. Yum-o.

Oh... a little salad trick: chop it up so everything is finely diced. You'll need less of the high calorie fixins (olives, feta) because the flavors are more blended. I seemed to need less dressing too.

OK... totally not health-related, but are any of you watching the Democratic National Convention? I've been following it on NBC and although I'm not enthusiastic about Chris Matthews' and what's-his-name's completely biased reporting/commentating, I absolutely love watching the speeches and hearing the perspectives of the people there. Hillary did an amazing job convincing her delegates and fans to support Obama--it was such a great speech. Of course, it was really sad for me. I remember being in grade school when Geraldine Ferraro ran as the VP candidate for Mondale. I thought it was SO cool that a woman could be in the White House--and not as the first lady. Unfortunately, they lost and the pundits claimed that America wasn't ready for a female candidate. Fortunately, I think we're much, much closer and it's really exciting for me.  

Yup... over the past month of training, eating dining hall meals with poor nutritional value and facing the daily temptation of cocoa puff bars (like rice krispie treats, but made w/Cocoa Puffs!), I managed to put on 5 lbs from my all-time low.

Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Especially, since I was up to 239 at one point last week. Besides, I lost the last 5lbs towards 232 in a very unhealthy way, so I'm not surprised it didn't stick--it was when my back was first acting up and I was in too much pain to cook and eat, so I was skipping dinners or just eating a bowl of cereal. 

So, I've developed my September plan, although I'm starting it early (today!) because why put off what you can start today?

1. Start walking and swimming again. My goal is to walk 2 miles a day, 3-4 times a week and swim for 30-45 minutes 2-3 times a week; however, if I can't do it because of my back, I'm not going to sweat it. The overarching theme of September is "taking care of myself."

2. Instead of allowing myself to get by on "better" choices, I want to have a month worth of "best" choices in regards to food. Last night I made a yumalicious pad thai w/tofu noodles (no carbs), tons of veggies and chicken breast. Tonight I'm making a chopped greek salad w/fresh kalamata olives, grilled chicken, roasted red peppers, feta cheese and a homemade LF dressing. I'll have enough for tomorrow's dinner too.

3. I'm back to daily WIs. It helps me stay on track and seeing the number go down, down, down motivates me to continue to do well.

4. No torturing myself. If I want a beer, I'll have a beer. (In fact, just bought a 6-pack of Corona light and have had one a day for the past couple days.) I'll just factor it into my day. Same rule applies to chocolate and ice cream.

5. Do my housework. I need to get my house in order if I'm going to be out of commission for several weeks post-surgery. This will prevent me from attempting to do them after surgery when I'm not supposed to. My house is no pig-sty, but I need to clean out my spare room so it's available for the week of guests I have who will babysit me post-op. E's covering the first couple days, then my parents are coming for the weekend and then my sister is coming for a week, followed by E on the weekend. By then I should be well enough to be on my own.

6. Stay off the Percoset as much as possible. When I see my doc on 9/3, I'm actually going to ask about taking a different pain med. I'm pretty much out of the weaker one (Tramadol), so I'll make due for the next week and then get a new prescription from the ortho guy.

7. Get at least 6-7 hrs of sleep on the weeknights and more on weekends.

8. Do something to treat myself once a week. Pedicure, bubble bath, read in my fave coffeeshop for a few hours, get those sneakers I've been eyeing at DSW, etc. My first treat to myself is buying this new Threadless print:

Cute and clever!

I feel like I'm over the hump. I've breathed fresh air. Could it be true?

E booked his flight to Chi-town mid-September. I get to stay behind, instead playing airport chauffer. I decided that due to my need to save for a new car, the potential that I may have a reduced paycheck from taking medical leave and the fact that my back is in no shape for walking around Chicago, I will be staying in Joisey. I'm a little sad about it... I feel a little left-out and had hoped to hook up with EP friends, as well as old non-blog friends, but in the end, I realized that I need to be wary of my health and start accepting my limitations for now instead of pushing myself to the point where there's no going back. Soon enough this will all be over and I'll be free to roam wherever I wish. Patience.

Bloc Party recently released their new album, due in stores Oct 28th, online this week. I'm in LOVE with one of the tracks--I can't stop listening to it, thanks to the lovely glockenspiel, haunting synth and sad, sad lyrics.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't believe it's about death, but of the loss of a relationship, but feel free to give it a listen and tell me otherwise. I'm always up for a good music discussion.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... time to give it yet another listen. New music makes me happy.

Oh--and SoF will love this: in the midst of all the stress of training and opening our buildings, my staff and I got together in one of the residence hall lounges to create a ton of signs directing students and parents where to go on move-in day. One of the RAs put on some tunes and before I even realized what I was listening to, I felt the tension melt from my body. I was suddenly relaxed. It was Jack Johnson!

It also helps to be off Percoset. I'm taking what's left of the weaker, non-narcotic pain meds. After being off Percoset for a few days and giving my body a break, I realized the drugs were partly to blame for the tear-fest. They're major depressants. Anyone who's prescribed them should be careful about taking them and be wary of mood changes. I swear, you don't even realize it until it's over.

I'm at E's house for part of the weekend, waiting for him to get home from work. I gotta go back to work Sunday, but the day off tomorrow will do wonders. Last night was the first night I got a full 8 hrs of sleep in the past month!

My horoscope for today:

It's time, today, to add a little bit of breathing room to your schedule! You've been in a hurry lately, getting things done left and right. Your productivity is admirable, but it cannot be sustained. So go slow, today, and if you can put a few things off for another day, do it. Call that friend and reschedule your dinner date. Let them know you need a quiet night in. They'll not only be able to relate, they'll be grateful for the chance to have one themselves!

My response:

Yeah, right. It ain't happening today. And where do they get the idea that I'm productive... it certainly doesn't feel that way. BUT, I am listening and trying to find opportunities for me time. Especially after last week's meltdown. I'm keeping Friday free for an easy office day, I'm trying to make an appointment with my PT and an accupuncturist AND I'm meeting E at work for dinner and then staying at his place Friday until he goes to work Saturday evening. Hopefully, we'll lay low, watch a movie and play some Guitar Hero.

Gosh this month has been so dang challenging! I cannot wait until it's all over.

Last week, I found myself sobbing (sobbing!) to E on our way down to see Radiohead. I told him I couldn't do it anymore--I felt as if work was expecting so much from me and I wasn't able to live up to the demands, he wanted so much from me and I couldn't meet those expectations, I wanted to do better, be better for both him AND work, but in the meantime, I felt like I was losing myself and losing control of all of it. And on top of all of that, my back was in such excrutiating pain, and I wasn't able to manage it--even with the Percoset.  I couldn't stand up straight. I fear getting addicted to the pain meds. I was totally exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel fat and out of shape because I haven't been to the gym in months. I can't even walk 10 ft, never mind a mile.

So I told E I wanted to cancel our weekend plans (a beach party, his goddaughter's birthday party, and a local concert his friend was involved in). He was incredibly upset and disappointed at first--and that's when the waterworks started flowing. We've had these plans for more than a month. But he listened to me and said "Let's not make or break any plans until the weekend. We'll see how you're feeling and what you're up for." I was hesitant--partly because I didn't want it to turn into another argument on the weekend, and I told him so. He promised he wouldn't be upset and he would go with what I was up for.

Before the weekend hit, he cancelled the beach party plans. It was clear I wasn't going to be able to walk on any beach. Instead, we did his goddaughter's party and the local concert and he talked to his friends in advance to make sure there would be comfy seating for me, so I wouldn't hurt more.

Last night, when we got home, he said he wanted to stay at his house (he sleeps better there), but he stayed with me until I fell asleep. I'm not sure how late it was when he finally left... I don't think I really fell asleep until after midnight.

During the waterworks, I was so pissed at myself for letting it all get out of control--even now, I'm at least tearing up daily, overwhelmed by everything. I've cried at work. I cried during my lumbar injection. I cried on the phone to my sister, my parents, my aunt (the one I never talk to) and my friend from Chicago. I need to start drinking more water to keep up with the tears. Weight loss has clearly taken a back seat--I think I'm up to 239 now. I'm just trying to keep it under 240. We'll see.

The biggest news is that I scheduled surgery for my back (in October). The doc will do a discectomy, which entails removing the damaged part of the herniated disc. He should be able to leave 40-60% of the disc so I'll still have some cushioning.

I had to do it. The second lumbar injection is just now starting to work. My pain was sooooo severe I couldn't sleep, I'm on narcotic pain meds that only dull the pain and I can't even do parts of my job.

The surgery will require I take 6 weeks off of work, though I might be able to return to work sooner if I heal faster.

Ugh.

Let's just say I'll need the time off... I am completely and utterly exhausted. I've never felt so incredibly tired in my life. And the next few days won't be much better. I have to work until 9:30 tonight, 10 tomorrow and 9 on Wednesday. And every day, I'm in the office between 6 and 7 a.m. I've become a regular part of the morning crew at Starbucks and a regular part of the afternoon/evening crew when I get my diet caffeine free coke Big Gulp at the 7-11.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without E right now. He's been so patient, tolerant, optimistic. I'd be in an even more depressive funk without him. If he weren't in my life, I would have worked the whole weekend and been more miserable and I wouldn't necessarily be any more ahead of the game at my job. As I was crying my eyes out and insisting I'm not normally a cry baby, he said, "Nope--you're my Cry Lady. I'd rather you be happy, sweetie, but you look pretty cute when you're crying." This weekend he told me he has never seen me in such bad shape as I was last week. I told him I've never felt that horribly (physically AND mentally) in my life. We both just keep saying "it will get better, it will get better." It's got to, right?

You probably won't see me on EP for a few more days, but I will be back Friday or after the weekend.

My fingers are crossed that this lumbar injection I had last week will kick in and I can start walking and swimming again. And stand up and prepare a meal for myself!

I've been checking in on your blogs every once in awhile and commenting when I get the chance... glad to see you're all doing well.

My drug-haze weekend has proved it will be a struggle to do what I need to do during the week. Fortunately, I'm learning to ask for help. I asked E to bring down the laundry, take out the trash and empty the dishwasher--he did it all w/o a complaint. Tomorrow, I'm assigning tasks to my colleagues to help me with training.

I slept fairly well last night too... I almost feel caught up. I slept from midnight til 2, then fell back asleep fairly quickly and slept til 6. By 6, E was over and I needed to take my meds, so I munched on cheerios (can't take the meds on an empty stomach) while talking to him for a little bit. We talked for about an hour and a half until we both got so sleepy, we fell asleep. I slept til 10:30.

I asked E if he would be able to take sick days (he's out of vacation days and accumulates them so slowwwwwly) for my surgery. I want someone there and I'll probably need someone w/me for at least the first day I'm home. He said "I could take the time off it you were Mrs. F[his last name]." I said, "But I'm not Mrs. F." He said, "I know... I'm sorry, babe. Maybe you'll be able to schedule it when I have a Wednesday/Thursday off." That was my plan anyway, but I was hoping to have someone with me a little longer. I'm just a little nervous about this. Fortunately, my sis said she could probably come down.

But... the bigger question is, should I interpret something from his comment about me being Mrs. F? It's the second time this week that he's made a very vague reference to either living w/me or marrying me. I'll probably ask him about it. The conversation can't hurt.

I ordered a couple steamed dishes from the local chinese food take-out place to feed me throughout the weekend. I couldn't cook, but warming up food in the microwave was simple enough. And, I learned this restaurant has a great curry sauce! They send too much, so I have enough leftover for several more dishes. I'm going to freeze it.

Tomorrow evening is my 2nd lumbar injection. Hope it works, so I can stop the narcotics. Because of the injection, I can't eat after 11, but I'll have two meals (one is a banquet) with my students tomorrow. Torture! I'll be around all this yummy food and unable to take a bite.

For now, I'm exhausted and plan to go to bed. Hope you all had great weekends!

Yay! I slept most of the night. I was still woken up with pain at times (and stayed awake for as much as 2 hrs), but I slept from 10-12, 1-4, 6-10.

The drugs definitely make me loopy, so I think I'll ease into the day by watching the Olympics or my latest Netflix arrival ("Walk The Line").

You'd think these docs would make it less confusing to take drugs though... I'm supposed to take one twice a day, the other 3 times a day and the 3rd 4 times a day. I had to write myself out a schedule so I knew when to take what. In case you hadn't guessed, I fear messing up meds. I don't normally like to even take medicine. I got through foot surgery when I was in HS w/o any pain meds and survived getting my wisdom teeth out (and dry sockets) without anything more strong than Motrim. I've had students OD (accidentally and intentionally), family members w/serious sensitivities to meds and a family history of addiction, so I'm super-careful. Especially now that I'm on addictive narcotics. I'm hoping the lumbar injection works quickly and lasts more than a month, so I can be off these meds by Tuesday.

Oh... and I did fix the video on my blog yesterday. I think I had posted a YouTube video that was taken down due to copyright violations, so I posted a live clip of the song instead.

Thanks for the well-wishes and sympathy SoF, GCQMom, Svanita, Qwynn, Jenny and all the rest. I do appreciate it and it does help me hang in there when I'd rather just give up and cry (or more likely: scream).

I decided to take complete and total control of my pain today.

Tried to reschedule my follow up w/the ortho so I can meet with him earlier. Unfortunately, there were no openings.

Met with my PCP to get better pain meds. I'm now in possession of a nerve blocker, percoset (pain reliever) and Soma (muscle relaxant). If the soma doesn't work, I have a prescription for Valium. (She told me I would need to either consult a pain management center or get the surgery since I've now progressed to narcotics--habit forming little beasts of a drug).

The following Queens of the Stone Age song seems to describe my pain management techniques these days, LOL! It's called "Feel Good Hit of the Summer" and the song lyrics are "Nicotine, Valium, Vicoden, Marijuana, Ecstacy and Alcohol!" Warning... there are so clearly heard curses, so you may not want to play it when the kiddies are around.

Tuesday: 4 hours of sleep

Wednesday: 3 hours of sleep

Last night: 0 hours of sleep, unless you count the 15 minute catnaps I caught, sitting up.

Too much pain to lie down comfortably. I even took a muscle relaxant in addition to the other two pain meds, in hopes that it would all knock me out. Nope.

I have another lumbar injection on Monday, but I can't go three more days without sleep, so I will attempt to schedule an emergency visit to my PCP today.

This! Sucks! So! Darn! Much!