LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

today.... a really bad day... but i dont even feel like typing why it was so bad.... it was just bad.. and its only half over! work... work.... work... sucks!

ok for the good stuff... i have a very important question that i would love to know more about....

WHERE DOES ALL THE FAT WE LOSE GO?

do we poop it out? do we pee it out? does it drip down us in sweat? where has the 15 lbs ive lost dissapeared too???

frustration...

.... that describes my mood this morning... perfectly.

is it because of weight issues? NOPE! I joined a gym last night and ate well , not after 8pm like my new vow.... so for $18 a month I get three days a week to tone up and do some running! The other days I can work out with my love and take some personal biking/walking time and save money doing it!

why am i angry/fed up/ frustrated?? BECAUSE... yet again being good at everything has caused me a handy-cap. I have a tendency to pick up skills and knowledge quickly, and personally work that much harder at it to master things I dont know... its a personal requirement to learn more about something I have not mastered. That is GREAT except for this situation... when your boss asks you to take someone's ENTIRE workload while they are out of town for 14 days. I just feel like the DUMPED ON one that just keeps picking up all the slack because I know how. I am not really frustrated about the extra work, I am frustrated that it was expected and I wont see any form of "thank you" later in bonus or raises. I am tired of stepping up and helping everyone with everything, and always being available for questions, problems, sales calls, phone answerer.... and then just getting NOTHING when its done. How come no one else beyond their job description... why am i the one that gets CRAP if I dont step up when I watch tons of people STEP BACK!

i really should record when i do things like this... when i step up and take responsibility that isnt mine.. so when my bonus is BELOW my expectations, i have written documentation of why I deserve more. Will it help? Not at all! Oh well!

lets just say.... loyalty is waning. if i had the money to make a life change... or the opportunity to get up and start over doing something else without screwing with tons of people's lives... i would in a heartbeat.

doing what you ask? NO IDEA! thats one reason I havent even begun stepping back... a different future is a nice thought until you dont even know where to start!

THE WEEKEND HIT ME HARD....

I have an online membership to WW and I never do online over the weekend since I spend 10 hours a day, 5 days a week in front of a computer. So i never log points on the weekend, I just count what I THINK it would be and be careful. Well this weekend I had an up and down journey.... I weighed in Thursday and then did a workout Thursday night. Friday i left work early (overtime) and slept and then hit my favorite mexican place with the boyfriend... nothing but calories there!! Points... uncountable! Then we did a movie on TV after a mall go-around and Friday was a DOWN for WW.

Saturday was a mix actually... we went to the state fair (105 degrees) and we walked around the entire thing for about 3 hours. I was a sweaty mess.... i did eat a cheeseburger, a few cheese fries, and a kids ice cream... but felt that the walking counter acted it. Then we went to a baseball game where I had nachos, smaller than usual, and a hot dog... and felt guilty about that so I went home and worked it off creatively.

Saturday was a rollercoaster... sweaty at the fair, baseball game got rained out and we had to stand soaked under cover for an hour before ti was safe to drive, then got home and the power had been knocked out which meant no AC on the 105 degree evening. Even with a cold shower it was a hellacious night. Then at 3 am when the power came back, every light we had turned on shined brightly and woke me froma  dead sleep! GOOD LORD!

Sunday.... a great WW day. We sat around most of the day, but I ate conservatively... and then we did a bike ride around town for 20 mins (about 5 points) and then after boyfriend left and i had a small dinner... I did a workout video on Comcast and got my blood pumping again and then didnt eat again... so metabolism stayed up all night.

Today I am going to Bally's Fitness and researching a month-by-month membership and seeing how cheap I can get it, and its close to our new building.. so before/after work should be very possible! I am hoping I can go cheap and go a few days a week and get som weights in, and cardio on cold/rainy days!

This week is hellacious with my business moving.... tons of packing of files, tons of packing of personal desk stuff, computers have to be moved and business will STAY OPEN through all of it... so its going to be hectic and stressful! Then Thursday night we drive 10 hours to Indianapolis to see off my ssiter to Spain for her semester abroad.

I am.... overwhelmed! I want to be down 20 lbs total by Thursday... which means I have 4 lbs left to lose... not realistic, but hoping the exercise kick starts a decent loss and I can be close!

I tried on my "goal" jeans... the jeans Id like to fit in for my short term goal and they close and snpa and zip but make my belly protrude.... so i have made serious headway.. just not there yet. its awesome to know they close though and all i have to do is lose the belly!!

ok... work is killing me today and i cant put it off any longer!

a few more down the drain

Weighed in... lost 2 lbs this week.... woot! woot! 2 lbs seems like such a small number until you really look at what weighs 2lbs! I did this really scary comparison last night... my two kittens weigh 7 lbs each and holding them is so difficult with squirmy heavy kitty bodies. I am holding them yesterday and realize... i have lost AS MUCH WEIGHT as the TWO KITTENS COMBINED!! It was a really good feeling and a really good comparison to what 15 lbs really is!

not much to write today.... attitude is positive, energy level is up, and the exercise felt great last night!

bipolar.... or close to it

... i think that I am bi-polar! Really... oh no  at all, but in that stage where I change my emotions on a hair... oh all the time!

Last night I was hanging out with my love and I was went to weigh myself and it was two pounds up from my previous weigh in. NOW.. it was at night after a heavy dinner, it was in the middle of my weigh in week, and it was after a day with no exercise so that number is really not all that accurate but i just FLIPPED! I just could not calm down about the entire weight loss adventure and was frustrated and upset. Boy told me... hey, you need to get  serious about it, no more excuses, it is about how bad you want it. I was like.... NO ITS NOT!!

I want it bad, I have been limiting my intake, reading labels, exercising more, and watching every food I eat all day every day and I have only lost 13 lbs in two months. SO FRUSTRATED! I am tired of having a constant worry, tired of stressing, recording points, planning, feeling guilty, and saying NO to my favorite foods for only a 13 lb loss!!! I had also gone over in points on Tuesday, by like 3 (not over my weekly points, just my daily) and had not exercised.... so it was like a kick in the teeth. Boy told me I would figure it out and i wasnt helping anyone staying this upset about it, but god I just want to reach 20 lbs... show a significant loss for all this work. I want to go home in two weeks to see my sister off to Spain and SHOW a difference in weight, SHOW the work that I have done, and SHOW a 20lbs loss!

this morning I woke up a little calmer, and especially since I woke up and did a hoop-da-loop workout it helped me mentally. I planned my entire days of food and left a few points left over for an ice cream sandwich tonight. (the best part of the day!)

so... i am doing great with the boyfriend... man i wish we could be moved in, married with children already! LOL.... kidding, well kinda! I want that... dont want that now, but i want that! I was watching him last night while he was reading and could just imagine a little boy that looks just like him trying to read a book to me at night. then he looks at me, catches me staring and says I LOVE YOU.... and man I could see it in those eyes.... and then he goes back to reading. I think ill keep this one! He makes me smile because when we went on our vacation and for the 20 hr drive, he only drove.... 4 hours! I am a bad bad bad driver when it comes to long distances, but i drove 3/4 of our trip up north. JEEZ!! so... when we go to visit my family in their new land of Indianapolis he is DETERMINED to drive almost the entire trip and keeps telling me he will! We go up next week so I am excited to see if he comes through! He told me buy, "red bull and almond M&m's"... how VERY ODD!!!! He read almonds keep you awake, so he wants those! what a nerd!!! cute one though! lol.

ok... need to start selling some toilets now! its hump day, i exercised this morning, and i have my day planned out for food! its going to be a good one!

sickness will not prevail...

.. I am in Great spirits today! My body is bloated from being dehydrated because i cant drink enough water to replenish when i swear during workouts... but that means that i have been working out! I got up yesterday and begun my 3x a week morning workouts! I know i wont do them everyday, so i sent a realistic goal instead with 3x a week. I do my comcast "exercise on demand" for about 20-30 mins in the morning and that gets me up, my metabolism going, and makes a cold shower just amazing!

one awkward moment of my first workout.... my love came down and was interested in the comcast exercise videos and when he is awake, he is AWAKE. so he comes down while I am sweatin and shakin that big butt and he sits BEHIND me on the couch with me between him and the TV and he watches me workout for 30 minutes. If i wasnt so tired and sweaty I would have made something out of that WEIRD moment... but I just told him that next time hes down there, he wont be watching, hell be working.... so well see if he comes down again!

Work is crazy with our move coming up and the building is becoming a packing nightmare with stress levels through the roof. Everything you need for work from files to books to your pencils have to be packed up and moved... and it has to be done in one evening so we can open business again the next day. SCARY! Another possible nightmare is the moving company that is moving all our heavy stuff comes 4 business days before we actually move our bodies, so we have to work with only the essentials for a few days and in this industry... everything comes up in the moments your not prepared!

I had a great workout last night too.... came home and it was rainy so biking was out and I can hoop but my abs are still a little sore to the touch, so I wasnt stoked about the pain. Therefore, I decided to do another "on demand" workout and this one was AWESOME! 35 mins of heart pumping, dancing, and sweating... and then I ended up with a buns workout that calmed down my racing heart and got my muscles to be screaming. WOOT! I felt like a million bucks afterwards and earned a s**t-ton of exercise points! I stayed within point range, and earned 9 work out points... gosh i hope the scale goes down Thursday!

Dinner was awesome too b/c i found that I love the BEEF STEW by Marie Calendar and its only 4 poitns in a can, and a can is soo filling! So I had a can of beef stew that is made in minutes and takes almost as good as the crock pot meals my mom makes (almost mom, id still kill for one of those crock pot meals anyday!) and then i had a small sandwich to use up lunch meat and a skinny cow ice cream bar. GREAT DAY!

sidenote: skinny cow ice cream bars are the new GREATNESS for me! They are 2 points, sooo filling, and a great little ice cream snack that allows you to "splurge" but at the same time keeps away the guilt. Its the perfect size, comes in tons of flavors, and i get a little YIPPEE when I eat one because it was low points too! Gosh I love items like that... love em!

emotional... doing much better lately. More uppity, more into spending time doing stuff and not vegging... planning activities for weekend and worknights and keeping a positive attitude about the weight loss. I just needed a rejuvination period and I think that sickness did it for me! I hit a low being alone all day, feeling gross and not getting out for my diet.... and then i hit a high when i started getting that energy back and found that spirit again.

my boy is doing great (other than his boss sucks!), my sister is in high spirits and excitement for her semester abroad, my mom is having family visit and she loves to show off her new house and to have that uplift and support, and my dad is seeing improvement in his work in Boston and getting to golf at the country club! knock on wood: things are going great with no huge surprises and we might be settling for just a little bit before the next storm. regaining strength for the next battle!

they say, god doesnt give you anything you cant handle... I believe that, but sometimes you just wish he had less faith in your abilities and strength!

lets go TUESDAY! one day closer to hump day... and i have a staff meeting tonight to go over "everything" necessary for the move.... could be here until midnight! lol

a fun discovery

i have had a both GREAT and UNGREAT day... first off I am sick and stayed home from work... good day though because i was a healthy eater even sitting around, my lover boy brought me a present and spoiled me for dinner.... who wouldnt love a little extra loving!

i had a great discovery today.... it seriously has made my entire exercise outlook changed! i am a customer of comcast and they have an on demand system that includes free exercise programs that range between 7 and 21 minutes and are meant to be quick and easy. I AM GOING TO DO THEM!! I decided that free exercise programs, on my HD tv in my own living room gives me no excuse to not do them! i am a notorious bad morning person... im striving to start a morning regiment... an exercise program every morning.. to get my metabolism going for the day, stay in points, and then ride at night or hoop. a morning workout is a great way to get the body up and going and doesnt have to take forever or even leave my house. i am notorious for loving an exercise regime and dtiching it... i have sorta done that with the hooping, and i refuse to do it with the bike... refuse! so lets do the morning regime, bike at night and stay in points.

i am watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and it is sooooo inspiring! i wish it would play every night so i can remember that its totally possible! off to sleep... woot!

i feel like crap

i fully believe that being sick makes you feel like you gained weight and today is my weight tracking day... and i feel absolutely awful. this is still after 10 hours of sleep last night... argh.

i need an attitude transplant... i have been pissy, bitchy, and all around un fun for the past few days.... and not to mention short tempered. i havent been calling my friends or my family... and i havent been all that nice to my boyfriend. time to stop being a bad person... right now!

i dont have much energy to type b/c i need to save it to make it through 10 hours of work today... but i was hoping for some cathartic lift off my shoulders... nothing!

today sucks

today sucks....

i am in a bad mood and angry at the world... not to mention my eyes hurt from staring at computers, tv's, and books for endless hours and i yet again stayed up until 11ish last night, even though i planned on going to bed early. annoyed face.

i have a co-worker who is ranting about our new buiding and its realistic open date being endlessly arrogant about what he knows, and all i want to do is tell him to shutup and move on. i must have heard it 6 times today.... i dont care...right now i want some other noise in my ears. i am just annoyed as hell!!!

i have a headache... im tired... and i need to exercise tonight but i have like 3 errands i need to run. and if the phone would just stop ringing.... ahh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok... this day cant be salvaged, i shall get through it, get my errands done, and eat under my point to make up for not biking tonight.... ouch my eyes hurt.

somethign to be proud of....

(1) i wanted ice cream but said no and got lemon ice instead.

(2) i only ate half of my food at the orioles game

(3) i did not eat lunch in order to accomodate for the beer i was going to drink... and stayed within point range

(4) i walked to/from the orioles game across town to work off some of the horrible stadium food

(5) i took care of myself this weekend... :)