the life i have and the life in my head...

i just read this long article in the NY Times about someone who blogged every day and the changes that came in her life because of that relationship with the internet -- and it sparked my thoughts and made me want to write again!

I have lost 2.2 lbs since my official weigh in on the 7th -- not something that excites me, but not something to be ashamed of at all. My mom joined with me and i dont think either of us is showing truly GREAT progress but I am losing weight. My mom says that every pound is another lost and I dont have to carry around -- but the one year anniversary of my joining weight watchers is coming up soon -- and I wanted to have more weight loss darn it!

Oh well... I am my own worst enemy in this weight loss journey and being hard on my successes are NOT the way to continue my passage through losing fat.

(to be continued...)

the first official WW weigh in after joining

so i have heard that I am competitive... riiight! wink wink

So... i join weight watchers two weeks ago, but I attend the first meeting without joining to test it out. THEN i go back the next week and join, and when they put me in the system i had lost 3.8 lbs from the week prior... BUT i couldnt be logged until i officially joined so it didnt "count" for their records. NOW who really cares b/c I lost the weight and that is what matters.. BUT....

i go back the next week to do my official after week one weigh in and i have gained .2 lbs. NOW... i know that .2 lbs is the weight of a toilet trip or a large muffin, BUT its super frustrating that I join meetings and my first official weigh in is a gain!!!!!

oh well... i am really truly logging things now, i think the meetings really help me hold myself accountable now. cheating only messes with me, no one else gets hurt or helped by not being honest about what i have eaten. SOO... i am going to start being honest, even when I break plan -- and start counting those extra weekly points as real and not just my pretend i dont have to count buffer.

my goal is 15 more lbs by July 4th, that is my start date in 2007 and i would love to say that I lost 60 lbs in a year -- to give myself that reward and success. I am only 7 weeks away, but that is a really possible goal with true logging and the 28 pts of exercise a week I should get.

strange... when they tell me to get 28 pts of exercise i START finding ways to fit in exercise so i can reach that goal... i used to say, ah if i get 3 days cool... or ill go bike for fun but NOW im like... ok i have 30 mins of free time and 4 pointst to get... go get em girl! YEA!!

joining with my mom has been ok, but we really havent done much supporting yet. this week is going to be hard b/c my sister is coming back in town and my dad has no cares about a diet, so we will eat out alot and eat often -- and i have already used some weekly points b/c it was mom's birthday, so i dont have tons to spare people~! oh well, this is when you learn the lifestyle change and not the diet, is when real life gets in the way and teaches you how to live skinny in every moment!

hope all is well to anyone who is skimming -- and every step matters!

meetings instead of online tools

good morning all - yesterday was my official sign up for WW Meeting instead of staying with E-tools. I was iffy about the process because its a time commitment and the scale isnt at my house -- but they are very confidential about it and i think the support is a great thing.

walking into a room where you can openly say things like FAT and your hurt feelings or your fears about success or failure -- that is amazing. I am still a little iffy on my class leader, but with so many options - i could opt to go a different day if i dont feel better soon.

even neater? I am joining with my mom officially -- so now we both will lose weight, bond an evening a week, and have someone to watch over us. My dad and boyfriend are not on board with the program, but are on board with being our watch dogs -- so other than a quick  "shutup" here or there, they will be very helpful! :)

i showed a loss of 3.8 lbs yesterday when I weighed in (I went last week but did not sign up so my weight does not count in the WW computer)... so this week the loss was not official, but it was down 3.8 from the weigh in last week and that is official enough for me! :)

that brings my total down to 44 lbs I think -- i remember looking at people who had lost this much weight and saying OMG ill never get there.. how did they do it? they did it by NEVER quitting --- and although I havent shown a loss all the time and I stepped away from WW for a few months -- i never quit and gave up watching my weight. :) that is something I can be proud of for sure.

i really think the tracking on paper is going ot be good too... i have etools (bought monthly pass) but I find it a little committed when sometimes you dont have the internet -- so that means you dont track, and it doesnt count and you get confused when your gaining but "following plan". SOO always having someplace to write it down makes me feel good too. i am optimistic about the change, but we shall see...

they said you have to be ALL IN to lose the weight, but i dont know what that feels like.. is going every week and watching points being ALL in?

next blog posting is going to be my thoughts on fear of success and fear of failure --we talked about it in WW meeting last night and i have all these thoughts swirling -- time to write them down!

the first week back on the horse...

I have been struggling this week because the losses are just not coming like they used to... ARGH! As you can see this time last week I got myself back into gear and got excited about losing weight again... I have set a goal of weighing 250 by April 12 (friend from college wedding) but I dont know if that is even healthy at this point... 12 lbs in 4 weeks... i have never lost that fast... frustration! Oh well.. I will keep trying at it.

Exercise log for this week:

Mon - ran 2 miles in 27 mins (fastest i ever have)

Tues - Yoga for an hour at lunch, felt great

Wed - stair climber/elliptical combo for 30 minutes

Thurs - 30 mins of abs/lunges at home

Fri - Basketball for an hour at lunch with 14 boys

Sat - Nothing. SAD FACE!

Sun - Yoga in the AM, Magic Circle workout in the PM

*** It was a GREAT week for exercise but apparently not a good week for food, because I weighed the same today as I did last monday morning... WTF?? I know it takes more than a week for my body to kick in, but I just feel like nothing is working! Its irrational... and I am sticking with it... i do NOT want my pants to be tight again!

My next mini goal is getting into the 250's... and then we can shoot for 250 the number... that would be 51 lbs! :)

This week: Mon-havent decided, Tues-soccer at lunch, Wed-spinning, Thurs-run/elliptical, Fri-MY BIRTHDAY!!

cant change my login name

FRUSTRATION! I have this new outlook on life with the move, the new living situation, and the new job -- but I cant change my login name on here to reflect that! So Ill just write about it...

I have been back and forth MIA for months and at first I didnt think it mattered, but I can tell a clear shift in my weight loss and stamina with the program as I look through the dates. Some major changes that I have made are that I have refocused my exercise to NON-gym activities and quit both Bally's and WW online. It wasnt easy to make that decision but I have found that I do not blog my food, but I still consciously think about its values. I cannot afford to pay for a service I do not use, and I have already opted OUT of using it mentally -- so I made that choice. I quit the gym because there is not one near by and my new company has a gym at the office.

Here is my new refocused exercise plan... walking/biking nightly with my boy, and a daily activity that work offers to help with the weight loss. I have a neighborhood that is safer and has a great walking loop with a variety of lengths based on turns you make. I have already made and begun a commitment to walk this loop daily, and have done really well with it! (I only skipped one day last week because of weather). I know that its unrealistic to think I would do it every day, but I just keep doing it and NOT giving myself hell if I have to skip one day.

Me and the boy biked 6 miles yesterday to return a DVD and it felt wonderful... mentally! LOL. I love biking and think its an awesome workout and when you turn a normal activity into an exercise plan, its great! The bike was just hard enough to make me sore, but not so hard that I wouldnt do it again. PERFECT ride! (Now i just need to get my boy back into loving it... his ride was a bit tougher.) We are going to continue with the biking as the weather allows and make a plan or pick some destinations to try out and explore, to help encourage us to reach for a FARTHER destination as the days go.

My personal workout plan involves the AWESOME place I work and the activities they sponsor that I am now going to take advantage of. They play a weekly game of basketball MON and FRI at lunchtime, but I am not ready yet to take that on. (all big boys). Therefore I have chosen to bring an outfit and do a personal treadmill or stair climber exercise on those days, like today. We are allowed to workout during the work day whenever we need a break, so its really nice to be totally strung out and just so run a few miles with no issues. (i say few miles liberally!) The other two activities that I am really stoked about is Free Yoga and Free Spinning classes. Our comapny sponsors a yoga instructor to come in weekly on Tuesdays and teach us a class during lunch. In addition, they subsidize a spinning class on Wednesdays off campus. I was unsure as both of these activities are new to me, but an opportunity to work out during lunch, for free, and to try something new.. IM ON IT! I havent done them yet, Yoga is tomorrow for the first time... but I am optimistic and will blog about it.

So the new training schedule... Mon: self appointment workout. Tues: Yoga at lunch. Wed: Spinning at Lunch. Thurs: self appointment workout. Fri: basketball or day off. EVERYDAY: walk at home with Boy, bike when possible.

Again... exercise that is fun makes me stay on track... so we will up those habits and then work on the food part. I have not veered far on the food front... I snack more and care LESS about the calories... but that is going to change as I start seeing results again. I have lost 40 lbs, over 10% of my body weight, and PROVEN I can do it! I need to remember that when I freak out about the scale movement and panic again.

New mini goal: 50 lbs by Jen's Wedding. That is April 12th. That gives 40 days to lose 12 lbs... and to RESTART my plan and get back on track. I have typed this several times before and then not jumped on board immediately, so here I am jumping on board.

on that note... going to run on the treadmill!

where i have been

I have been through so much in the past 6 weeks... with changes, relocations, growing up.... that I just forgot to take a breather and type it out. That might explain why I am slowly going BEZERK!! but weight wise, I am doing alright.

Since my last blog on Dec 11, I have traveled to and from Spain (spent two weeks there on vacation with my family) My sister studied there for the fall semester, so we met her there and celebrated the holidays. I dont fly well at all.. panic attacks and everything... so i got there (on valium) and got home with any major episodes, so it was a GREAT moment in my life! The two weeks were spent seeing the sights, eating the food, and being the annoying americans spaniards hate! lol. LOVE IT!

Since Spain and the new year started... i have been prepping to relocate my life to Indianapolis. My love got a job up here (I am here now) and he transferred at the beginning of the month. I stayed in Baltimore for work and a lease, so I had to wait until the end of January to follow him. I spent the entire month of January packing, working my butt off, and all and all preparing to start a BRAND new life somewhere else!

I am not employed right now, when i relocated my company could not transfer me b/c of the market being down in this area. Therefore, I am living with the parents and the boyfriend and waiting until I get a job to move out and START the new life. Its feels like its on hold right now, and YES it feels super weird to live with my parents and my boyfriend. I am a successful adult and i dont HAVE to live at home, but it still feels like I took a step backwards because I am choosing to for money reasons. The support is great though and i can get over the weirdness :)

I am excited and scared about the new life... moving everything I know to another town and hoping that it all works out is such a big step. How do i know that me and the boy will make it? How do i know that LEAVING what i was doing and trying something new was best for me? What if i dont get a job for awhile and benefits becomes an issue? It just feels like i took such a big chance on alot of DIFFERENT things, that i just occasionally FREAK out randomly. No job, No house, No income right now... oh god!

I think that Indianapolis will be great.... and i love this city for so many reasons. I think that once i get my feet under me again (and the boy is making things so good... just being super supportive while i freak) that I will be rolling right along as normal, but NOT knowing what is going to happen is something that I DONT DO WELL!!

Weight wise: i lost 7 lbs in Spain... it felt great. Then i got back and gained 2-5 lbs back and forth... I have now weighed in consistently at or below the "spain point" and I feel good about it, but my habits are not really good. I didnt do the gym more than once this month, and moving is a convenient excuse for me... silly girl. I also have been good about not eating out I think, but the food at home isnt super healthy so i keep SAYING portion sizes for crappy food, and then not eating the smaller portion once its made... silly girl. I am doing something right, not sure what... but beating myself up is not going to help.

I have decided that Tuesday is the new gym first day back... i have a friend coming and we might walk or run outside... but Tuesday is gym day... and no excuses. I have been sick, moving, and job hunting... but i cant lose track of the 40 lbs I have already lost... so 263 is my NEW STARTING # and here we go!

Now i just have to decide which gym to join on Tuesday! lol.

YEAH FOR 10%....

yeah.... dont have much time... but I HIT 10%!!!!!!

today is a good day!

an interesting way to look at it...

I am sitting here yesterday and a fellow blogger had said some super nice things about how my weight loss and attitude are inspirational and i just got all tingly... and then I realized something... i have made a life change. am i done with it... oh no!!

but....

I preach what a practice now... i steer clear of foods that i used to devour and i am NOT having to decide anymore... I just do. i have a friend that is struggling and i find that i gain strength from giving advice, examples, and the kinds of talks people gave to me. i guess what is neat is that i am no longer blowing in the wind or unfocused, it seems that the change i was slowly making has become habit, and that is pretty neat!

do i still skip the gym for the bar? ok i did that last night.... and the scale punished me this morning... BUT i dont do that everytime anymore... it was the exception, and that is awesome!

i find myself giving other people motivation advice, kick your butt talks, and supportive comments because i am someone who has been doing this for 6 months and motivate myself better teaching than being taught.

that change, that switch on the outlook, and that school of thought ... just so neat in my mind!

feeling blah this morning... i think its from the three beers last night and the nachos that were NOT on the weight watchers plan! Throw in some chicken wings and spinach dip and i obliterated my points... but guilt is getting me nowhere and it was a work function.... so ill be more careful this weekend and smile about the fun evening i had!

scale showed 272.8. lowest weight i have been since the last timei remember weighing myself... (this morning it was higher, but i weigh in on thursdays, so that one counts until next thursday! wink!) so i think ill congratulate myself on such a good holiday week or two by NOT feeling guilty about last night! 1.4 lbs away from 10% loss.... come on 10%%!!! i want it! i want it!!!

a little depressing...

So... seeing 275 on the scale is awesome for me, because I havent seen that in MONTHS!! It shows I have lost almost 30 lbs, and it shows I am almost at 10%.

WELL... I see 274.8 on the scale this morning... I am still happy about that, and then I realize that I HAVE NOT LOST A POUND FOR A MONTH! holy crap! I had no idea that i was that stalled... i had no idea that seeing 275 and being happy about maintaining and little losses here or there, means that i have not showed progress for the entire month of November! NO GOOD... NO NO NO GOOD!

Now... most people go through a plateau time, most people go through the holidays and maintaining is an accomplishment and most people understand that this stuff happens... but i have lost 25 lbs, and stopping at 275 is NOT what I want. I am not even out of a pants size yet... i havent even dropped down yet... i want to DROP DOWN!!

So frustrating when you see progress... and then when you realize that you havent seen progress for an entire month... what the hell have I been eating?

This week was NOT healthy for me, but I didnt gain... dont know why.. because I decimated all points, calories, and tracking EVERY DAY... but i didnt gain, so I am going to the gym tonight and making sure that stays that way. My parnets were in town for the week, so I didnt go to the gym at all last week so I wouldnt miss time with them, and I am fine with that, but it also means I got out of the habit... NO GOOD! I am still stoked to go, but NOT at the same level I used to be... I used to PINE for the gym... so I need to get back into feeling good, and back into being sore and excited about it.

New news... I am officially moving to Indianapolis in January 26th, AND I have two job interviews waiting for me when I get out there! I CANNOT believe that... two people are willing to wait two months for me... SCHWEET! That is something to strive for... a healthier weight in two months so I can feel CONFIDENT walking in that interview room in clothing that fits me well and not TIGHT. What weight goal do I want to set? realistically... 2 lbs a week puts it at 15 lbs... so I am going to say 10. I would like to lose 10 lbs by the time I move... which is uber possible with TWO weeks in Spain over Christmas (with small portions, and expensive alcohol) and then moving all of January slowly but surely means PACKING POINTS!

Now... a new rant... i am reading some blogs and seeing others type out their frustration.. and i think im going to try it!

PEOPLE WHO BITCH, GET A CHANCE TO CHANGE, DONT TAKE IT AND THEN KEEP BITCHING -- i do not want to hear that bull people. I dont care about your problems if you are not willing to fix them. if you dont want to take the opportunity, effort, energy, and time to make a change that bothers you enough to waste your voice, then i dont want to hear it afterwards either.

PEOPLE WHO SETTLE -- why would you ever do that to yourself? why would you aim for losing 50 lbs and stop at 10? why would you see a man you care for, but stay with one who doesnt treat you well at all? why would you WANT to join a club or team, but settle for reading about it on the internet? why would you WANT a promotion, but never ask or try for one? LIFE ISNT A GIVEN, AND YOU ONLY GET 80ISH YEARS.... THEN ITS OVER.... ITS OVER FOR SURE. SO WHY WASTE TIME SETTLING?

PEOPLE WHO DONT LOVE THEMSELVES -- seriously? what better person is there in the world than yourself? what other person can you take stock, change, and grow with every single day of your life? what other person can you learn from, teach to, and work together with to reach for dreams, tackle challenger, and get over mistakes? who cares if the package is lumpy, or if the brain is slower, or if your skin is blotchy... life isnt about who your seen with, or who thinks about you when your not around -- life is about effecting others in a positive way, making a difference in someone'se life, and following your purpose on earth...

Which brings me to my inspiration today... EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I think that its easy to remember when something good happens you did not expect, but difficult when tragedy or death or demotion happens. I think that every life path change or choice has a reason, and no i dont think its god or some higher power b/c i dont know WHAT or WHO controls the reason.... but I truly believe that every person has a reason flor life. When that reason is fulfilled, their life comes to an end... sometimes tragically, sometimes peacefully. Sometimes, and often times in death, that reason is unclear and just gets lost in the sorrow -- but every human has a reason to be here, and a reason that they came to be the way they are... a great one.

My mind is really all over the place and I have done alot of ranting, preaching, and blogging today.... just free thought flow as I sit at my desk wishing I were somewhere else... maybe somewhere with my LOVE enjoying the last few days before he leaves for Indianapolis early and we seperate for two months -- sad face -- but that is a whole different blog!

Love... Health... Happiness --- what matters to me.

WW girls weekend

sweet!! i hit the 25 lb mark!!!! officially!!! it feels great and seeing that on paper is just amazing... totally puts the struggle into perspective!

i went to my college town this weekend and met up with a group of weight watchers women that i email with every day for support and friendship. it was an awesome time that taught me that every person struggles at all different sizes, and that the journey is the same for everyone. i learned recipes, attitudes, cheat methods, ways to support, and gained support and confidence from just this 48 hour weekend. it was great to see this group of women all being strong and standing up for something they know they deserve and holding up 5 other girls at the same time... its easy as a group!

i am busy and my head is running at 100 mph, but i wanted to record this weight and let myself be excited about it!