I JUST DID THE ONE THING I SAID I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO.... I SUCCESSFULLY LOST 53.6 LBS IN ONE YEAR. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!
You know what is so neat about finding the right WW group -- when you celebrate an achievement you feel like they REALLY are proud of you. They are not just saying that but really look at you with the glowing pride of success and there is NO other group of people I would have rathered be with for that moment.
I have all these feelings wrapped up in this occassion... a refocus on my self and my life and what I can really accomplish. They are really jumbled right now, but on blog soon they will be and the next year of goal will begin and the next batch of 52 lbs will begin!
I talked about you ladies in my group and how helpful you had been and that blogging made a significant difference -- so please accept my sincere thank you for the support and pushing when I needed it!
A WW group friend of mine was discussing aiming for that 10,000 steps a day mark and how it was 6 points on the activity calculator. It sparked this interesting debate in my mind about steps being an everyday requirements vs an activity point that can be swapped. If i started counting my steps as exercise, I would be overeating all the time. In fact, sometimes I swear I log everything correctly but still don't lose as fast as I should -- so I can't give myself any more leverage to do that!
So... the extra point debate... i feel soo FAT! I look at this graph on the WW onlien tools and see that I went over points four days last week and feel like a diet failure, even though I did NOT break my extra points. Although I understand their necessity, this mental discomfort is annoying! I need to make it back to a meeting today... I need to find that drive again. I have NOT lost spirits or anything... but have lost that fire in my belly -- so I want to get that back before it gets worse!
so i blogged twice today for a reason... check out those virtual model pictures... holy moly!
I can literally tell the difference in every part of those bodies... I see thinner thighs, smaller belly, and smaller arms. I dont know how close that is to my own body changes, but it really sparks my brain and smile! The changes happen so slowly that I forget the 50 lbs ago feeling. is that normal?
the ironicness of eating more and losing weight...
success.... eating MORE creates weight LOSS!
Now... before anyone runs out and eats everything they havent for years... I have discovered the weight Watchers secret... with some help from Gwynn! I was exercising my butt off (literally) and was not seeing any results on the scale. I was eating all my daily points and some of my weekly points, and then had numerous exercise points (like 31) that I was not eating. Well a member, Gwynn, told me that I have to eat my weekly poitns or exercise points because my body is starving itself. I was totally stunned -- I thought those were optional... why would I eat more to lose weight?
So I tried it... three days later I got on the scale and had lost 2 lbs. Then... three days later I have lost probably 3 more. Now... those are not official weigh in's, but the trend is true... using my weekly points has given my body enough energy to start losing that weight. It doesnt really make sense in my head, and sometimes I feel so full and gluttonous, and then suddenly the pounds are coming off again. Its like a mini plateau that I figured out. This second week official weigh in (probably tomorrow) I am a little concerned about, because I would have eaten ALL of my weekly points and feel like a BAD dieter for that. Its all a mental game, and I can get used to what works.. but the experimenting really messes with my mind. I wish there was a formula that worked for every body. I read online that some people eat half, some eat only 20 exactly, some people vary day to day, some eat all in one day.... its just so many choices that I get lost in it.
So what I did was eat the food I wanted, record them and did not go bezerk if I went into weekly points... then I did NOT eat my exercise points and lost two lbs last week. this week... I am thinking 1or 2 more... (my scale showed 245.4 Sunday morning--which is a loss of 5 lbs, but its not official weigh in day yet... so i can't count on that!) Mornings vs afternoons are much different too.
Anyways... on to the emotional end of my life... because I refuse to let food run me forever --- even though it totally is right now... ARGH!
I had a mental breakdown on Friday abotu the lack of friends in my life and what being a 24 yr old in Indiana means... boredom. I live with my boyfriend, who I see all the time... and have little to no friends outside of that. I feel like a bad socializer with some sort of mental issue -- and I couldnt wrap around why I felt that way. making friends in a new place is so tough... and it can be so draining and mentally taxing and I am just soo tired of feeling like that. I know the only person it hurts is me, but it HURTS!
I sat at dinner with the boyfriend.. just feeling resentful and bitter -- he is the BEST thing that has happened to me... literally a godsend, and I dont want to hate him because I cant find a life outside him. It SICKENS me that I am struggling with this... because I am such a social person by nature. I dont think I am an alien or someone bad to hang out with... but taking a girl from downtown Baltimore and putting her in the middle of suburbs Indiana can be painful!!!
Good stuff - I am now officially a paid pitching coach! I love Softball and recently I was asked to coach a travel league and I made myself available to those parents who wanted personal attention for their daughters -- well within the day three people had taken advantage of it. So now... I am paid to do what I love!!! I had my first day of it on Sunday and really enjoyed it, ended up super tired.. but has $$ in my pocket and a sense of peace in my heart... VERY hard to come by!
I have made a promise to myself this week to get back into the exercise gambit and really put some energy into it... I am thinking about joining a gym so I can do weight lifting and personal training. I am building up my cardio but now I need to focus on lifting weights and get cute arms back again! Go triceps... soo soo sexy! lol.
Not sure if I want to do that, or if I want to continue the home grown exercise for free and take walks, ride bikes, and do home vidoes -- either way I need to pick up the speed. The coaching isnt as good a workout as usual, and I am taking days off in between that I used to NOT allow -- so get back on the bandwagon lady!
Promises this week:
- get over my ridiculous social anxiety and learn that transition takes time and I am a great person people will appreciate soon
- exercise at least 5 days this week with an increased heart rate and sweating -- to ensure that my cardio levels stay high
- continue my only ONE diet coke a day rule.... doing so well with that!
- find a meeting and weigh in at least... hopefully attend a real meeting for some rejuvination needed!
so there is one aspect about weight watchers that I just dont really understand... and it has led me off the beaten path I believe -- and that is the WEEKLY POINTS CONUNDRUM.
A Extrapounds friend of mine said that my weight loss frustrations could be solved if i ate my weekly points and activity points -- but its really hard to understand why eating MORE makes you LOSE weight. I understand the concept of starvation and your body locks onto the fat and doesnt let it go then, but if I dont FEEL hungry -- is that happening?
these weekly points really mess with my head because i dont understand why they are optional, if they are required... or are they optional? Also, some people eat 1/2 some eat 2/3... it seems like you really have to mix and match and see what works - but will the same system always work as you lose the weight?
Also, i have lost 50 lbs by not really eating my weekly poitns at all... slim to none. I am eating them a bit more now but nowhere close to all of them and having a bit more trouble losing weight, BUT my activity level has almost doubled recently. I guess the frustration is that everytime something changes I have to readjust, but I dont really know how.
So... I am going to eat every daily point and weekly point for the next week and see what happens with that. I cannot weigh in at a meeting today, so I am going to weigh in at home record any loss/gain and then start with my weekly point plan. Maybe the key, as someone else wrote, is to vary the number of points I eat a day so my body never expects a specific number. If I am hungry and have points, use them --- thats what they are there for.
last night I ate about 2 cups of broccoli on an applebee's weight watcher plate... had too much to eat, but by no means MORE than a too much I have had in the past (meaning, not more food than I have had in the past in one seating by ANY means) -- and i got home feeling a bit off but it could have been all the gassy broccoli. Well then I lay down to go to sleep and wake up an hour later and PUKE. Not alot... in fact most of it was dry heaving with alot of tummy pain -- but what the heck caused that???
My boyfriend was really worried about me the night before saying he was afraid I was pushing so hard I would make myself sick, and then I DID. But i have no idea what caused it, where it came from, and if it will happen again -- I havent puked like that EVER. I probably should have calld out of work and just laid home and taken care of myself, but its just never that easy soo I am here making the $$.... (I HOPE!)
Last internal issue... WORK. My quota doubles next month... and although I have hit it this month at the lower amount... the thought of having to book twice as much just really turns my stomach. HOW IN THE WORLD? I have about two weeks left in this month so I am goign to try to book the bigger amount and see if I can do it. That would be a really big boost on my conscious to say it is possible... come on girl! I am really unhappy about how work has been lately and I have not been mentally involved, I am at quota so no one really pushes me... which has an inverse effect because my brain just isnt here usually. Will it be in July... ohprobably not being that I will be a bit busier on the softball front --- how does one get back into sales/working mode when that is how you make the $$?
Ok... here I go to make the dolla -- and try to recooperate from the random puke session and the incredibly tiring night last night.
thanks for your hints gwynn... as you can see, it sparked some internal conversation! :)
I am really hungry. I am tired and really worn out -- along with really really hungry. Sometimes, on days like this when I only have 10 points left and its only 3pm and i am REALLY hungry... these are the days people quit diets!
man am i hungry -- do NOT eat girl... but i will just wish I could for hours!
so this is going to be short -- because i KNOW the things that I need to hear... and sometimes knowing them is not enough.
I have 31 points of activity this week, only used 15 of my weekly points... and recorded everything diligently -- WHY has my weight not dropped this week? I have not officially weighed in, but I did an unofficial this morning and it doesnt show any loss. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I understand that it takes some time, you are building muscle, making the tracking wasnt exact, next week you will show some changes, ALL of that good stuff -- but in reality this is SUPER frustrating. I have a goal of 52 lbs by July 4th, and I thought it would be SUPER easy to hit... and now I am a little worried I wont get there... WTF?!?
anyways --- lots of softball this week, GMAT on Friday... and then I am putting together a plan to start running. I want to see if I can run a mile, then two miles, then three miles and eventually do a Half Mini -- that would be neat! Not super diligent about it now... but its a thought that is starting growth!
so I made several promises to myself at the weight watchers meeting the last week in May --- i wouldnt drink more than one diet coke a day, I would exercise during commercials, and I would blag three times a week to help clear out my head.... i have done ok but not great with those commitments.
diet coke... surprisingly easy! I have a set limit, and i have only broken it twice (Both special occassions) and been really good about following that rule and going back to water. I end up more hydrated and drink about 5 glasses of water more now a day... and i think its a healthy by product of my commitment, and its really neat to see that!
Exercising during commercials... NO WAY -- and i have tivo so i dont even have to watch the commercials usually... im not really doing that well on extra special exercising. i have a zumba class every wednesday and coaching softball keeps me active three days a week, along with any other things I can fit in-- but i havent done a treadmill or walk/run in a month and I think i can tell the difference.
today i am pretty annoyed because I have almost 31 activity points, and havent broken my weekly points at all but I feel larger. WHY IS THAT? I know that the weight will shed off next week, or that I might be doing some miscalculating -- but why am i not losing weight these past two weeks. I am really dissapointed in it, b/c I have a specific goal to make by July 4th and it would be HEART breaking to miss that goal. 52 lbs *July 4th is my one year anniversary with WW... and it would be losing one pound a week if I hit 52. I thought I would be past it after my past successful month of May, but now I have hit some sort of weird plateau... FRUSTRATION. Oh well, i am working through it and will diligently follow core next week if I dont show a loss....
some big news: i was asked to be a coach for a traval team here in town, and you can only coach if you are asked by the league.... so that was really neat! i am going to be quite busy over the next 6 or 7 weeks, but softball is my heart and soul and being able to coach kids who care like I do is just an HONOR!! It will keep me in good shape too... and I love the other coach and the players on the team... so i think it will be tons of fun! so neat that I impressed the parents enough to be asked! woot woot.
My mom told me on Sunday that i was looking REALLY good and although the first 30 lbs were not obvious, the next twenty were HUGe and that I look really amazing. NOw I know she is biased, but that is always so neat to hear! My big butt is diminishing (but not too much) ... and my arms/legs are feeling more toned -- so yay! and my hair is finally growing out... lol. (i have the slowest growing head of hair on the planet... and haircuts put me out of commission for like a year!)
there isnt alot of junk going on my head in general... i am dissapointed that my performance is SECOND for the month... i hit quota after a week and the other girl in my department hit it higher... so I dont look really that good anymore. its so dissapoiting when you think your doing GREAT and then suddenly someone else slips in and diminshes that -- oh well that is life! I am working on turning my views around and being more focused on my own accomplishments and not comparing to others -- easier said than done, but a good thing to practice.
yesterday was neat, I went golfing with my dad -- first time we have done that here, and I think it was a fantastic success. We eat together sometimes, and see each other alot, but golfing and ignoring life to hit a ball is always a good thing. I thought it would be talk about lfie issues day, but instead we didnt really focus on anything going on and just played/talked about golf. that was a nice break being that i am overwhelmed with commitments and stresses -- story of my life! :)
this helped a bit... have a meeting and then a softball game! so gotta run... hope all is well in weight loss land --
I think one of the struggles i had in the beginning was wanting all this weight gone immediately -- just being skinny, gorgeous, sought after and HOT!! And not have to work for it -- and for every person out there who wants that, i hope they get to the point and feel what I feel now. This time last year I was unhappy, fatter by the day, unable to fit in rollercoaster seats, blaming other people for my issues, and fighting emotions and boredom with food. Today my strength is infinitely better and my mental thoughts are healthier and my bull sh*t meter is lower. I FEEL the success... i FEEL the mental revving that comes from knowing that I changed my life. Is everything better? NO! Have my reached my end all goal yet? NO!
but can i look myself in the mirror and KNOW that if i want to tackle something really hard that requires life changes and devotion to a goal with tons of obstalces and never ending tests -- I CAN DO IT!
I think all this cheering is coming from a week of beating myself down and realizing that feeling successful and happy is just plain more fun -- and limiting myself to what I have NOT done doesnt make anything better or easier. I would rather celebrate the 50 lbs I have lost than sit back and regret the 50 lbs I have not yet. I am WELL aware the next 50 lbs are going to be slower and harder -- some real time and money is going to have to go into the cause and those life changes are going to become mandatory not optional. Am I ready? Honestly -- not today. But I am ready to START working towards that point... so we can take it one step at a time!
Weight issues aside -- how is life in general? This weekend was long and tough for me... but the week leading up to it was hard work with a great end. I scored a fantastic deal that will help me hit my quota next month and LOVE seeing the smile on my dad's face when I tell him I did it again. I know he does it to make me feel good and I KNOW i make him proud every day, but that extra special "all right" with the high five, is always neat!
My boyfriend, whom I live with as of March and moved with to Indiana to do that, had his parents come up to visit and see our new place. Most of our parental interaction is with my family, and they were a factor in choosing Indianapolis when we wanted to move. I have had limited interaction with his family and we come from different worlds, so adjusting to each other's thinking and life experience is interesting. The most important thing is that his parents believe that he made the right decision to come out here with me. NO ONE in his family has left Maryland, and to be the ONLY one in generations to make this big move and do it with a girl -- scandalous. I wanted his parents to really SEE and believe that I was worth this big risk and their son leaving. So the weekend started out stressful... internally at least.
Friday night we spent at the apartment and then did some touring of the area, had a great evening on the desk of Dairy Queen talking and laughing. (good moment in my life, i bought a small blizzard b/c his dad offered to pay and KNEW i was breaking points but enjoyed it and refused to feel guilty afterwards... those are the moments that really matter!) We then decided to have his parents sleep at my parents house becuase they have a big house and I have a one bedroom apartment. WELL apparently that was an issue that I was totally unaware of and caused a stir of emotions that no one even told me about.
It was a great evening once we got over there... had a few drinks, played some cards and then sat through a tornado! say what? yes its true!! we were on the porch, then the wind picks up and we hear a tornado warning siren very far off -- thinking that we won't get hit... we hang out until the rain starts coming in sideways! then the sky lights up blue and green and that is a PRIME signal of tornado's and we go inside. My parent's entire house is covered in windows, so we decided to just watch through them until things got worse; which they didnt really ever get scary bad. (scary = relative) There was some tree damage, really high winds, alot of big hail, and some killer thunder. In general, we were always safe but it was just so weird to be in the midwest and in tornado country! (im used to hurricane's!)
Well then it was bedtime and the boyfriend was acting weird... randomly weird he had been fine all night. Then he wont tell me wahts up for like 10 mins and i keep asking b/c I KNOW there is something based on how he is treating me. Finally he opens up and the fighting begins -- which every person should know is not smart at 1am on a friday night after a day of work and an evening of hanging with the parents. but do we let is stop us? oh no!
Friday night was one of the worst nights of sleeping I have had, and feeling like a failure as a girlfriend on a day that meant so much was pretty horrible. things got worked out sat morning and some hasty apologies were said, but i beat myself up so bad to be a person worth loving -- that sometimes i cant turn it off.
Saturday was better, started off rough with some fighting and faking it in from of the parents, but then I decided to stop dwelling and the day improved drastically. We did the downtown tour and then I went off to coach softball and let the group take Steak n Shake (which I refused their offer of bringing some for me later, good job girl.. steak n shake will NOT help the diet!). Follow that up with some napping, TV, and a fantastic dinner -- and thats a good day. Ended with some more drinking, cards and some much needed snuggling to feel better.
Today started off awkward debating on whether to follow along or stay home and give them space -- im blogging b/c i stayed home! A little TV and now I am finishing off some work and starting to study for the GMAT! woot woot... NOT!
I realized this weekend with everyone commenting on me and the boyfriend all the time -- that I can be really emotionally closed off from people too easily. I can really be miserable and not tell anyone, or make these big sweeping decisions and not share how I feel with anyone. When my boyfriend makes a tiny decision without me, i FLIP out, but i decided about college without even telling him it was a thought. This closed off-ness is a coping mechanism that I need to get over. Letting in someone I love and being willing to share how I feel, and letting them comment and know about the true grotesque inner workings -- means I love them. and if anyone deserves to know that its the boyfriend... who treats me amazing and shows me every day he cares. The boyfriend who makes mistakes, and admits them --- and the same boyfriend who is learning how to be a good person in a good relationship along with me.
this was a LONG one -- but i have definitely purged some thoughts and feel better about things... i SHOULD go outside and walk, I SHOULD go swim in our pool that just opened, I SHOULD do some exercise to a dvd or something... BUT I AM sitting and studying. one step at a time!
why do i do this to myself?!? It seems that I can never settle for any extended amount of time but instead push myself farther than possible and end up frustrated and really tired. We just moved to Indiana and I have settled into life here in the MidWest -- things are going great but I do stay pretty darn busy.
Well i made the CRAZY decision to go back to grad school to get my MBA and have begun this long process of applying and getting started. I have three weeks to study and prepare for the GMAT's while trying to lose weight and hit quota! JEEZ!!
sidenote: i just had this UBER-weird moment with a co-worker who came into our office crying and when i stood up to check on her (when i heard sobbing) she goes "not now cate!" DUDE -- i sit 3 feet from where you are standing and your openly sobbing in the workplace, what kind of reaction would you prefer? now im just all blah-di-blah about the whole thing!
BETTER sidenote: the boyfriend got me a dozen pink roses today. they just showed up at my office and are utterly gorgeous... it was so nice to have him make that special effort for me. i was having this horrible week last week with work and quota and couldnt dig myself out of this whole -- and he orders me flowers and they arrived today. so he was worrying all week and waiting for my smiling face -- it was uber-cute!
on the weight end of things: I HAVE CHOSEN A NEW SHORT TERM GOAL! Lose 4.5 more lbs to hit 52 lbs on July 5th. July 5th is my one year anniverary with Weight Watchers and 52 lbs would be a pound a week for a year! ILL TAKE IT!!
I was sitting here thinking about that moment when I signed on extra pounds the first time and saw all those success stories and people who lost 50 lbs or 100 lbs and were doing really well -- and how i thought i would never be there! HOLY COW i am one of those success stories! That is one of the coolest things there is. My success story is only half written as I have not hit my goal weight yet... hell id take 200 and just faint! :)
I didnt have such a good eating day today or yesterday, I find that I eat WAY more on Tuesdays AFTER my WW meeting... like some purge or stress and worry has to happen. Its not really healthy and I always stay within my points or weekly points, but its almost more than I expected. Today was more than I expected too, I am in a good state of mind but man was I hungry- how odd!
exercise levels have not been pretty this week or really this month. May was really my failure month on that front and I really need to step that up soon here. I might just go for a run at 430 before practice on the treadmill; that way I am already sweaty and feeling good but not really wasting time at work. who knows how that will pan out -- feeling yes right now though.
I attend WW meetings with my Mom who used to be REALLY into it and it seems that lately she is not. She admitted to going for me sometimes because she wants me to be successful; but that just makes me feel guilty! I guess I want her to join because its a good thing to do and she believes its worth her money; because I am going either way and she doesnt need to spend $40 to hang out with me. It seems silly for me to react that way, but it just feels like I can't pull us both through the process, you know?
My dad is considering surgery, lap-band, and I am mentally freaking out. Why does he need surgery to reach this goal? Maybe I just feel like its an excuse and not a dedication to the greater goal of being healthy. It feels like he is volunteering to walk with a crutch because doing it alone just seems hard; but if he were giving me advice he would NEVER let me settle for walking with a crutch. I agree with weight loss surgery when the other options have gone away, you would die without it, or if you have tried a diet full blown and correctly and it hasnt worked. BUT he has not done that for years -- he hasnt sat down and planned his meals, deleted bad food from the house, cooked healthier, made smaller portions.. nothing like that. But he is willing to go under the knife and cheat the system thinking that it will answer his problems -- surgery scares me!!
I ate what feels like way too much at lunch and I am still hungry! NOT GOOD!
I have this problem with my thoughts being all over the place and just so disconnected right now. I made a promise in my meeting last night that I would drink one can of soda a day and blog 3x a week from now on. I do not know if blogging helps with weight loss, others seem to have successes, but I think it mostly helps with PURGING all this built up stress and emotion. Getting rid of that can make room for contentness and not the need to cover it up with food -- bad food at that.
ok, I am soon to be a grad student working full time with a live in boyfriend and a new city -- man do I love the stress!
I JUST DID THE ONE THING I SAID I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO.... I SUCCESSFULLY LOST 53.6 LBS IN ONE YEAR. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!! 
success.... eating MORE creates weight LOSS!