Your torso is looking tighter... I can really tell
THAT is something a co-worker said to me when I walked in this morning... and THAT is pretty cool! I can feel a little difference, which is surprising because I usually cant tell if it is a pound or two... but in this instance.. it could be three or four. My scale said 238 this morning... and I almost fell off while screaming!
Can you believe it? I have actually seen a number in the 230's on my scale... god I NEVER thought I would get to that point. It feels like a whole lot more than 60 lbs ... and I am even more shocked at how well I am doing still. I never thought that I would make it over a year on this diet plan either... seriously!! I have been on Weight Watchers for 13 months now... and I have attended meetings religiously since I joined the Monthly Pass program in April. I am just so totally surprised at my dedication and enjoyment of the meetings, process, and successes. Losing weight is NOT easy, but it has not been horribly and painful in perspective.
Now is my entire attitude fixed from last week... HELL NO. I still feel drained, and I still have to fight for that excitement and dedication at some moments. I have been incredibly tired, worn out, stressed, and totally drained this week... intermingled with moments of greatness. Just totally emotional and rollercoaster. I am also feeling really blah so my appetite has been weak and i have been struggling to eat points, instead of refusing them -- and that is an interesting perspective.
On to other life issues... I have been asked to coach an 18U travel softball team here in Indiana, and I am so totally stoked about it.
When I was offered the position, it took me a few days to pole the people in my life and see how I personally felt about it as well. It was really a great and bad thing because of the opportunity, but then the time commitment. I have already dedicated every weekend in June/July of 2009 -- and that is an interesting promise to make to someone a year in advance. Although, I live for the sport.... so that is also a neat thing to do. I was worried that I would not be able to handle girls that age, being that they are only a few years younger than I am.
How do you gain respect, yet remain who you are as a person with these girls? I am jokester who doesnt take myself too seriously, but works hard for what I want --- and walking that thin line with 16/18 year olds is becoming increasingly difficult. I had a 16 year old yesterday whom I became more friend than coach with for a brief moment, and lost whatever respect I had gained at that point. It can REALLY eat at me when something like that happens, and then I realized that you get no room for error with these girls. This same girl had a snotty attitude from that point forward, culminating in a comment that required me to heave some pretty hefty authority on that before I kicked her out. Not a huge deal, but a bit frustrating to deal with on the second day of tryouts!
Last worry... where are all the girls who play softball in Indiana? We have an 18 and 16U team, and we only have six girls who have tried out so far. WE NEED GIRLS!!!! I am so totally stressed out that there will not be enough girls to play and I will have gotten my hopes up and my spirits, and find out that I dont even have a team to coach. I dont think that will happen, but it is a thought in the back of my head.... worry time.
Ok.. my life is a bumble of craziness right now. My boyfriend is attending the Gen Con event from 8am-midnight three nights in a row with Sunday being 8am-4pm. It is totally fine that he is doing that, and I am not mad at all... but man is it weird to go an entire day without speaking or snuggling with one another. Add to that... he came home last night and I was already asleep and did not wake up until he was already dressed and ready this morning. I miss my boy... and I miss my couch... and I miss being on my couch with my boy.
Hopefully life gets a bit slower next week... and we can go back to date nights, less softball for a bit, and personal time together --- although he starts school on Monday.... so what are the chances of that happening?
sometimes the obsession can be wearing on the spirit
I am obsessed... and so concerned on a weekly basis what losing the weight, going to the gym, following poitns, and showing success on the scale. and TODAY... that obsession is really wearing on my spirits. I just want to be able to eat what I want, and not worry about that fateful moment on the scale. Well that is not entirely true... i want to be able to eat and function without being overly concerned about whether the scale will drop at the next meeting.
I understand there is a middle ground, but when I live the middle ground -- i do not stay dedicated. i am all or nothing, and right now ALL is slowly killing me. My body is tired, my spirits are dwindling, and my motivation is lacking -- i am just run down.
The other thing... i care so much about losing weight yet cant seem to make myeslf stay below points this week... its usually not a problem for me but this week I just want to eat everything in sight. So i am upset about gaining, but probably will gain because of bad food habits... and am working out hard core, but it seems that only keeps my weight gain from beign MORE not losing. and another day of gain or stay the same on the scale is NOT what my spirit needs....
alot of ranting... but i need to be below 244. i have been at or near that for a month... i dont have a month to waste trying to get by a number... i want to reach 60 lbs (2.6 away) and i want to continue losing like I have been... and im TIRED of the plateau... whether its a realistic part of dieting or not.
Last week... I was thinking about this day and all the things it meant not only for my relationship but for me as a person. The supreme significance that came with being with the same person for two years and dedicating my life and my heart to that success. I also think this two years represents so many things in my own life that have changed and occurred, that this day celebrates all those as well.
My relationship -- HOLY CRAP I MADE IT TWO YEARS WITH THE SAME PERSON. I would never say that I was afraid of commitment, but i have been independent and loud my entire life and never thought there was a human out there who could put up with me without losing himself or me in the process. Not only have we surpassed that expectation, but we have morphed into a couple that has clear individual personalities yet mold well together in every situation. We have been through alot of obstacles, but what surprises me most is how easy it has been. I sometimes wonder if its too easy, but how can that be? maybe its soo easy because we are honestly meant to be.
I am a difficult person to love... I am stubborn, loud, bitchy at the drop of a hat, persistent, incredibly smart, and willing to fight anyone. It is not a walk in the park to be in a relationship with me... and I am fine with that. Looking back on the past two years, I realized how I have changed as a person. That amazes me because I always thought I wouldnt for a guy, but I find that if its for the right guy you find yourself changing with them and standing behind those changes.
I still remember our very awkward first date, the halarious parking garage first kiss, and the day we signed our shared lease here in Indiana. It feels like the best, most rewarding, and shortest two years I can remember. I often ask God what I did to deserve him and honestly think it was fate that we met, because it had to be PERFECT timing to come together the way we did... and to stay together as well as we did... and whatever I did to deserve him and this happiness -- gosh I hope it continues!
MYSELF: Two years in a relationship with someone who has more patience, a calmer attitude, and such a different perspective on life can really change a person. I have learned that yelling doesnt always solve the problem, and sometimes being quiet means you get better answers. I have learned the inside and outs of another human being and how to intereact and share space with him on a daily basis. I have learned how to love someone fiercely, yet let them experience things on their own -- and how to give my entire self up to someone and trust they will be up to the job.
I have moved across country with someone to live with them and start a new job... and found that it was 10x easier than I expected. I have conquered so many personal demons and surpassed so many goals in the past two years... that being in a successful relationship also makes it that much better.
I have lived in four different apartments, with three different roommates -- held down two successful jobs... gained 30 lbs and lost 60 lbs (more to come off)... successfully met all my financial requirements... and grown up too much to measure.
Two years today... today is a celebration and a day to reflect on the changes I have made personally through the success of being with my love.
Yesterday started out to be such a bad day... I blogged about it and decided to just leave it all out there --- that I had to get over it or I would go crazy. As the day came to a close, I just sort of forgot about all the crap and went into all my busy routine -- a great distraction. I PLAYED a game of softball (not coached) so I got to sweat out all of my stress and meet new people while I did it. My mom and boyfriend came to hang out too, so it was nice to laugh and have him see me play a bit. I have an entire career of softball that he never saw once, so bringing him into that part of my life is important to me. Then I came home and scarfed dinner, so I could go to the meeting of the team that I COACH and talk about the end of our season.
The kids were losing spirit and were not performing at the level that we expect, and we were consistently losing and becoming frustrated -- so we gave the parents the option to end the season a tournament early. No surprise, they all took it. I agree with that, as crappy as it sounds, I was TIRED!! My emotional cup runneth over and my body was ready to be done with chasing and coaching 10 year old girls. I LOVED it, but I havent seen my apartment on a weekend in over a month.
to continue after this phone call....
back to the blog...
I have found that my life is in this weird place with no CLEAR path or direction and there are so many balls (what-if's) up in the air that I am going crazy trying to figure out what is going on. I cant really concentrate at work and that is going to affect my bottom line and quickly. I am totally at a loss at what thing to tackle next, and feel like my eyes are constantly droopy and my body is constantly tired.
I have also been stuck in the 240's for like YEARS! I feel like it is totally normal and I am being pretty hard on myself -- but I am so ready to be out of the 240's. I need another BIG push in the butt.... to drop another pants size, or to lose a big amount in a weigh-in or to fit into a piece of clothing I havent for awhile. I am not by any means in the mood to stop or quit, and this is a devotion that like LOVE is not something I can opt out of... BUT I do want another powerful boost to make sure my body and my head stay in agreement about the path we are on.
Sidenote: I had something weird to deal with on my nipple so I am going to the women's doctor today to have it checked out and now I have really strong upper abdominal pain and an incredibly tired body. I need to take a sick day soon because I am running my body into the ground.
Today is not much better for me on the attitude front.. but i am off to do Yoga at our weekly class and hope that I can find some relaxation and purpose through that and get my day to look up.... and hopefully NOT tack on more pain and soreness to my body.
last note: Me and my boyfriend are going out tonight for our TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY which is tomorrow!! I made it... I was successful and stayed in a relationship for two years already -- holy crap!!!! I will write alot about that tomorrow... as the feelings and emotions just really flow through on that accomplishment and life change!
I cant really explain what my problem is, and that is pretty disgustingly girly... come on now! But I am really stressed out about several different things and it just feels really really down.
One thing that I am really struggling with is this weight thing. i have lost 2 lbs and then gained them back the following week, and this is hte next week where I am trying to lose them again. My mom lost 4 lbs this week (home scale) and I dont understand why i havent had the same luck. I have had 39 points of activity and there is more to come, and I have been eating my weekly points as instructed. It is possible that I need to eat more of the activity points, but its also possible I overestimate -- so i would prefer not to if avoidable. (which usually it is)
My money situation is NOT pretty -- definitely not something I am proud of. I dont have alot of debt, but debt in general really bothers me... and having more on my credit card than is in my bank account -- is NOT ok with me.
I got rejected from GRAD school for my MBA in Marketing. I wish i knew how to handle that maturely....i have really just avoided that thought and continued on with my life -- but i am really upset about it. I had a plan and I worked hard, and got rejected -- how in the hell?
Work is going ok, but my drive is basically non-existent. I have four days to get started on August though -- so ill keep my head up. Drive some activies in, stalk some customers... so August can be as great a month as July was. I NEED IT!
Crying and hiding is not an option... so here is me facing the world and pretending i am great--- and hoping that that will eventually be true!
Yesterday was a day where you look back and say... DARN IT!!!
I lost 2 lbs last week... and it was amazing. I hadnt eaten fantastically, i had a friend in town, and my exercise level had significantly decreased -- but I did it somehow.
WELL... this week I gained 2.2lbs of that back. So... lesson learned -- its not the first week when your mistake shows up, its the NEXt weigh in.
Did 22 points worth of exercise so far this Week (started tues)... so I WILL be rid of those silly 2 lbs.. I WILL
I started out with weight watchers online because I worked 50 hours a week and could not find a meeting that fit into my schedule. I also didn’t want the entire world to know that I was on the plan for fear that they would see me as the fat person that I saw myself as. I bought the weight watchers scale and it was delivered on July 3rd… I stood on it and it showed 301.4 lbs. HOW IN THE WORLD??? I never would have said that I weight over 300 lbs, things had gotten way out of control. In order to hit my goal weight I had to lose 120 lbs. I had to lose an entire PERSON off my body… was I really that fat?
My path started the next day and has continued since. On 7/4/2008 I entered in my first points tracking information and began changing my food habits. I won’t pretend it was easy for a second. I had to learn that ice cream wasn’t served in gallon containers, and nachos are not a food group. If I wanted to eat out, I was never going to be able to eat the same foods that I had lived on for years—certainly not in the same portion sizes. I slowly began checking into point values of my favorite fast foods, and quickly learned a lesson in healthy eating. One of my worst habits was NOT recording foods if I knew I would go over my daily limit. It was like if I didn’t write it, it wasn’t so bad. Lesson learned the next week when the loss would be 0 and my spirits would take a hard hit.
Its been over a year and I don’t remember a lot of that pain surprisingly. That is the best part of sitting in a meeting today and looking back – it seemed impossible on that day, but now it feels manageable. In January I moved to Indiana and stopped tracking for about 3 months… I still lived the mentality but wasn’t faithful in my tracking or journaling. In April of 2008, I realized that my schedule could accommodate the meetings and I joined with my mother to attend the meetings via the monthly pass. Meetings have taught me a lot about the diet, the program, and myself as a dieter. I have learned that sometimes giving others advice or tips becomes another lesson for me. Also, that as we work through others successes or concerns, I am learning right along with them. I faithfully weigh in every week and have becomes distraught if I cannot attend a meeting (only twice in 4 months) because I feel like I need to be tracking it always.
Lastly the most important lesson I have learned is that I can do it! I have lost 57.4 lbs off my body in one year and have about that much to go. I am not quitting, I am not discouraged, and I am not setting unrealistic goals for myself or my body. Losing one pound a week means this time next year I will be at goal, and knowing that this time last year I had just begun means I KNOW I can do it!
Tips:
(1)Explore healthier options for foods you love and then make them part of your daily processes.
(2)Learn from others at the meetings and STEAL those ideas or methods.
(3)READ labels on your packages to learn portion sizing and realistic calorie count.
(4)ALWAYS check nutrition information for a restaurant before you go (if you can)… if not, take your time and order smart and pay attention to portion size
(5)Find an exercise buddy or favorite activity and schedule it in your life – if it shows up as an appointment on your calendar, you can plan for it and feel more obligated to do it.
Thank you Weight watchers for giving me the tools to be a healthy person at the weight I need to be at and the knowledge to stay there.
I had to stop mid post earlier this morning and I submitted it to make sure it was saved... and when I went back to finish it -- I had received about three comments that were so inspiring. I dont think anyone can really put into words how it feels so have that support and to REALLY appreciate and value the kind words other people with the same struggle say. Thank you for supporting me and for letting me support you -- you are a BIG chunk of why I have this success to write about, and will have more in the future!
Previous Post Continued:
Life in general has been eventful for me... I have coached every weekend this month with my 10U softball team and really experienced the real differences between coaching and playing. I have also learned that coaching softball is not as aerobic as playing -- so I have started running laps with my players and doing all the dreaded stuff I used to try to avoid! My co-coach thinks I am wacked out, but weight loss does not come with standing still!! :)
This past week was a big giant lesson learned for me... my best friend came into town for a the week and I took vacation from work. I realized that I have become an adult when I took vacation to stay home for a week and really really enjoyed it. I loved sitting in my pool during working hours, driving around with the window open at noon, and not having a single stress about what was not getting done. Being new at a job usually enduces vacation stress, but I took it well and am proud of myself for that!
My best friend came into town, have not seen her for over a year -- she has been in miami, florida teaching for two years. We are very different... but its so neat to see that friendship grow with distance and be stronger instead of fall apart by the wayside. I think i learned more about myself in the past week, then the entire 6 months I have been in Indiana. She taught me how to step back and look at situations, she showed me the communication strength me and my boyfriend have, and she reminded me how worth loving I am. That I truly am someone that a person can wholeheartedly believe in, and that is ok!!
Lastly, my boyfriend got in a BAD car accident on Friday night. He totaled his car, and I was the first person he called --- wasnt even out of the car yet. I was completely panicked.. he was 15 minutes away, didnt know where he was, and claimed to be ok but i wasnt sure. I was scared!! We are driving down the road I think he is on and suddenly there are firetrucks, ambulances, and a big massive hoopla. I started bawling --- omg if its that bad he has got to be dead... omg omg!! Well turns out that was an entirely different accident and when I call him to tell him i am there, he says he is way farther down the road and sounds much better now. I finally get to him, about 20 mins later, and he is pacing while his car steams and is all bent up. His airbags went off, gasp, and his knees are bruised. He is safe... he is alive.. he is fine -- THANK GOD.
His car was ruined, and his entire brain shut down into panic mode the next 48 hours -- but he is alive. Another HUGE lesson I learned is that people handle stress very differently, and you have to love them enough to let them figure it out alone but be willing to help when they ask. Me fixing his car problem was not going to help him at all... just keep him weak. I had to let him suffer and panic and freak out, and be an all around freak show -- so he could FEEL the problem being fixed on his own and take control. I hated every minute of it, and frankly I wanted to kill him when his attitude went raw -- but to see him FEEL better about things slowly and to have the confidence that comes with that -- irreplaceable.
My family also swooped in and helped immensely -- just really gave him the support they would have given me.. and it was magical to see that and feel that. He is truly my guy, and my family truly believes in us -- and feeling that envelope of love is amazing!
He does get a new car out of the deal though -- i want a new car!
the last month... and all its rollercoaster greatness
So... lets start with the WEIGHT part of the month!
July 4th came and i HIT my one year goal... I lost 52 (54.6) lbs in 52 weeks and proved that I can take a long term commitment and look at my weight loss. Then I just stayed strong and brave from that point and have lost every week since... including two pounds last week. A two pound loss is HUGE when I am this far along in the program and was just really neat to see and gave me back tons of rejuvination and strength.
Another very neat thing related to weight loss is: I CAN NOW FIT INTO A SIZE 16. i am wearing a size 16 pants now... can you believe it??? I havent seen a size 16 since I got sick 5 years ago... 16 = WOOT WOOT! My new goal is to hit a size 14 in real stores (not Lane Bryant) and be able to shop in almost any store in the mall. HOLY MOLY... to shop at American Eagle or Hollister or all those crazy stores with cute cute clothes! I dont think that will happen for another few months, but I am ready and raring to go! If i can make a 16 and lose almost 60 lbs as of right now, then I can make a 14 and lose 20 lbs more soon!
that is the best face to describe it --- i have done something amazing and new and difficult, but its only half the battle. In fact it was probably the easiest half of the battle. Now I have to lose 50 more lbs when I weigh less, im busier, and its moving OUT of summer instead of In. I have to find a groove, exercise more, pay closer attention to points, and really CHANGE my life instead of just getting by. People can obviously do it... but having the mental tenacity to stay on when plateau's hit is my issue --- i can do this!
although... is another good descriptor face. That moment... although so minimal at the time is something that I will never forget. I did something that few people can... and its not boasting -- its acknowledging... ok girl you lost 53.6 lbs... SERIOUSLY!
I feel like I am making too big of a deal and seem full of myself, but who ever starts out and says by this time next year ill be 53.6 lbs lighter and HAS IT HAPPEN?!?!
Again im scattered... but its so neat to say it outloud and see the amazement in peoples eyes. Neater to put on clothes that fit now, wear smaller sizes, shop in different stores... really FEEL thinner. I am not out of an 18 yet, I think i can be but its not worth feeling FAT by cramming into a 16 for my mental sake. Id rather feel SKINNY in an 18 and be ok with myself until I am sure that I am ready for a 16. I am going to go shopping for 16's when I hit my 240lb weight. I hope its sooner than 7 weeks away, but end of summer new size jean shopping can be really neat too. I am aiming for 12 lbs by the end of August --- think its possible?
that is the best face to describe it --- i have done something amazing and new and difficult, but its only half the battle. In fact it was probably the easiest half of the battle. Now I have to lose 50 more lbs when I weigh less, im busier, and its moving OUT of summer instead of In. I have to find a groove, exercise more, pay closer attention to points, and really CHANGE my life instead of just getting by. People can obviously do it... but having the mental tenacity to stay on when plateau's hit is my issue --- i can do this! 
is another good descriptor face. That moment... although so minimal at the time is something that I will never forget. I did something that few people can... and its not boasting -- its acknowledging... ok girl you lost 53.6 lbs... SERIOUSLY!