Good morning all! I have been running around for the past few weeks busier than I thought, since I have not posted on here in almost a month. WOW!
Well, I am back to poor out all my joy and fears and then hopefully get back to work!
Today's celebration: I have lost 66.4 lbs! Can you freaking believe that? I have almost lost a 10 year old off my body. I cannot believe that I have stayed dedicated enough and on this path to say that I have come this far and am STILL stoked about going the rest of the way. I still like to count points and enjoy reading labels to learn more about nutrition. I still look for better way to make recipes and explore serving sizes. THAT means it might be a life change, and THAT is the best part!
does anyone else feel like when they have weight loss success and tell people it feels like gloating? Sometimes I feel like people think I am conceded because I want to celebrate my success. Maybe its my own personal issue of reading too much into it, but they cannot understand how I feel at that moment (Fat or thin) and its an entirely personal mission. BUT... if I do not celebrate then I will lose the drive and feeling of success.
With almost 67 lbs off my body, I am starting to get closer to being the size of my mom and sister. It comes with a bit of guilt because neither of them are having huge success, but i cannot figure out how to help. If I push it doesnt work, if I encourage healthy eating they get annoyed, and they haven't found what reason works for them. They have not had the same success, but I have been working HARD for it. People think because the weight keeps coming off that It is easy. WHAT?!?! What part of watching everything I eat with exercising harder than before is easy?
My boyfriend has lost 25 lbs now too... which is really neat! He was always a cutie, but seeing him feel good and be thinner with me makes it a more partner mission. He ALWAYS has something supportive to say and I dont think I would be where I am without those little comments. ("Everytime I touch you, you are a smaller -- I can feel it!") We are 9 lbs away from losing 100 lbs together! NEAT!
I dont know many details but my Dad is having some good successes as well! He has gone down two pants sizes and I believe has beaten or is pushing to beat the 300 lbs mark. GREAT!!!! He is going to come to the YMCA with me after his business traveling and that will be really cool too.
Not too much sludge in my head to get rid of... it seems that things are running smoothly for right now. I was sick all weekend and will be traveling for work Thursday and Friday of this week -- so I am sure the stress will pick back up soon! For now, my love, my family, and my life -- are keeping me overjoyed! :)
SHORT TERM GOAL: Be in the 220's by October 14th for my trip to Virginia.
I hit the 60 lb mark... and with a two pound loss last week... can say I am now 61 lbs thinner. HOLY CRAP!! It feels like the longest process ever, and it makes complete sense because I am proving that patient and consistency shows success. But lets be honest.... patience wears thin! I am doing great and feeling good about the weight loss and am proud as freaking hell that I can say I have lost 61 lbs... come on Categet happy!
I have had a few rough weeks physically, emotionally, and weight lossy and I am running out of energy to fight all these battles at the same time. I am determined not to let weight loss fall aside while I get all these details together -- but the past few days have shown that I might be letting that happen. I have not passed weekly points yet, but I am close and have a weekend and 4.5 days left on this week -- which only causes stress later down the road for me. I thought about doing core so I could throw away the counting points concept, because it slowly drives me absolutely nutty, but there are not enough foods on the core plan that I eat. I would be going nutty trying to reformulate my diet instead of counting points, and how helpful is that?
so... the other issues in my life -- SEX!! I have not been in the mood lately and i feel like sex is a sort of communication between two partners. It keeps irrittation at bay, cements a connection, and reduces stress in your life. I have been so preoccupied with my life that I have not been in the mood for love making and that stresses me out -- its like a never ending circle of stress. Then I worry that my boy is going to think I am not attracted to him anymore, and then I worry different issues will arise, and its a never ending source of stress. Who would have thought that whether your having alot of it or none of it... sex is always a source of stress!
More issues... I have been asked to coach a 16U travel softball team in the area, and that opportunity is so so so so exciting. At first I was worried that I would not be able to handle it, and then I went to try outs and just LOVED every minute of it. There is some stress wrapped up in building a team and making sure its right for our organization and for the girls who join us... and more stress than I would like when it comes to chasing the girls I really want and their fickle attitudes. I sell all day people... sometimes it gets old and selling myself to 16 yr olds can be just as stressful if not more than selling to adults! A 16 yr old cares about WAY different things, and convincing them you know what is good for them without actually saying that is very tedious. My head is about to explode from the stress that entails, and its been just under a week!
I am super excited about the team though and the opportunities I will be providing the kids and myeslf in the coming year. I have dedicated every weekend in the summer to this and already feel the competitive and exciting hum that comes with travel softball. MY passion!! I am so totally stoked about getting started and only two days away from our first official practice --- yay!
Work -- i said to my boyfriend last night that I wasnt really happy at my job and he flipped out, asked me how long I had thought that and never said anything. I said that i felt like being not happy at a job you have had less than a year is really part of life, and figuring out what you want to do and how you fit in takes more time than that. At least I hope so... because if it stays like this - blah blah blah. I am getting crap for wanting to take all my vacation this year, and constantly worrying about being out of the office and not making quota. I spend countless hours freaking out about not hitting my monthly goal and then the embarrassment that comes from being a newbie who cant hit some lower quota than everyone else has. Especially because the girl who started two weeks before me just got promoted to a higher spot and I am the leader for my group now -- and not performing the month that change happens is highly embarrassing!! At least to my competitive self. People miss quota all the time here... get into closed door meetings and stern talking to's.... but i havent had that yet, so I am unprepared for that phenomenon of awkwardness. there is no guarantee I will miss it this month, but also no positive feelings of hitting it... so STRESS central.
did I mention i was stressed out?
I am sick now... runny nose, stuffy head, exhausted body, sleepy eyes, and DONE mental attitude. Hopefully my body gets it together... cant be out of the office or its totally frowned upon and judged later. ARGH!
Your torso is looking tighter... I can really tell
THAT is something a co-worker said to me when I walked in this morning... and THAT is pretty cool! I can feel a little difference, which is surprising because I usually cant tell if it is a pound or two... but in this instance.. it could be three or four. My scale said 238 this morning... and I almost fell off while screaming!
Can you believe it? I have actually seen a number in the 230's on my scale... god I NEVER thought I would get to that point. It feels like a whole lot more than 60 lbs ... and I am even more shocked at how well I am doing still. I never thought that I would make it over a year on this diet plan either... seriously!! I have been on Weight Watchers for 13 months now... and I have attended meetings religiously since I joined the Monthly Pass program in April. I am just so totally surprised at my dedication and enjoyment of the meetings, process, and successes. Losing weight is NOT easy, but it has not been horribly and painful in perspective.
Now is my entire attitude fixed from last week... HELL NO. I still feel drained, and I still have to fight for that excitement and dedication at some moments. I have been incredibly tired, worn out, stressed, and totally drained this week... intermingled with moments of greatness. Just totally emotional and rollercoaster. I am also feeling really blah so my appetite has been weak and i have been struggling to eat points, instead of refusing them -- and that is an interesting perspective.
On to other life issues... I have been asked to coach an 18U travel softball team here in Indiana, and I am so totally stoked about it.
When I was offered the position, it took me a few days to pole the people in my life and see how I personally felt about it as well. It was really a great and bad thing because of the opportunity, but then the time commitment. I have already dedicated every weekend in June/July of 2009 -- and that is an interesting promise to make to someone a year in advance. Although, I live for the sport.... so that is also a neat thing to do. I was worried that I would not be able to handle girls that age, being that they are only a few years younger than I am.
How do you gain respect, yet remain who you are as a person with these girls? I am jokester who doesnt take myself too seriously, but works hard for what I want --- and walking that thin line with 16/18 year olds is becoming increasingly difficult. I had a 16 year old yesterday whom I became more friend than coach with for a brief moment, and lost whatever respect I had gained at that point. It can REALLY eat at me when something like that happens, and then I realized that you get no room for error with these girls. This same girl had a snotty attitude from that point forward, culminating in a comment that required me to heave some pretty hefty authority on that before I kicked her out. Not a huge deal, but a bit frustrating to deal with on the second day of tryouts!
Last worry... where are all the girls who play softball in Indiana? We have an 18 and 16U team, and we only have six girls who have tried out so far. WE NEED GIRLS!!!! I am so totally stressed out that there will not be enough girls to play and I will have gotten my hopes up and my spirits, and find out that I dont even have a team to coach. I dont think that will happen, but it is a thought in the back of my head.... worry time.
Ok.. my life is a bumble of craziness right now. My boyfriend is attending the Gen Con event from 8am-midnight three nights in a row with Sunday being 8am-4pm. It is totally fine that he is doing that, and I am not mad at all... but man is it weird to go an entire day without speaking or snuggling with one another. Add to that... he came home last night and I was already asleep and did not wake up until he was already dressed and ready this morning. I miss my boy... and I miss my couch... and I miss being on my couch with my boy.
Hopefully life gets a bit slower next week... and we can go back to date nights, less softball for a bit, and personal time together --- although he starts school on Monday.... so what are the chances of that happening?
sometimes the obsession can be wearing on the spirit
I am obsessed... and so concerned on a weekly basis what losing the weight, going to the gym, following poitns, and showing success on the scale. and TODAY... that obsession is really wearing on my spirits. I just want to be able to eat what I want, and not worry about that fateful moment on the scale. Well that is not entirely true... i want to be able to eat and function without being overly concerned about whether the scale will drop at the next meeting.
I understand there is a middle ground, but when I live the middle ground -- i do not stay dedicated. i am all or nothing, and right now ALL is slowly killing me. My body is tired, my spirits are dwindling, and my motivation is lacking -- i am just run down.
The other thing... i care so much about losing weight yet cant seem to make myeslf stay below points this week... its usually not a problem for me but this week I just want to eat everything in sight. So i am upset about gaining, but probably will gain because of bad food habits... and am working out hard core, but it seems that only keeps my weight gain from beign MORE not losing. and another day of gain or stay the same on the scale is NOT what my spirit needs....
alot of ranting... but i need to be below 244. i have been at or near that for a month... i dont have a month to waste trying to get by a number... i want to reach 60 lbs (2.6 away) and i want to continue losing like I have been... and im TIRED of the plateau... whether its a realistic part of dieting or not.
Last week... I was thinking about this day and all the things it meant not only for my relationship but for me as a person. The supreme significance that came with being with the same person for two years and dedicating my life and my heart to that success. I also think this two years represents so many things in my own life that have changed and occurred, that this day celebrates all those as well.
My relationship -- HOLY CRAP I MADE IT TWO YEARS WITH THE SAME PERSON. I would never say that I was afraid of commitment, but i have been independent and loud my entire life and never thought there was a human out there who could put up with me without losing himself or me in the process. Not only have we surpassed that expectation, but we have morphed into a couple that has clear individual personalities yet mold well together in every situation. We have been through alot of obstacles, but what surprises me most is how easy it has been. I sometimes wonder if its too easy, but how can that be? maybe its soo easy because we are honestly meant to be.
I am a difficult person to love... I am stubborn, loud, bitchy at the drop of a hat, persistent, incredibly smart, and willing to fight anyone. It is not a walk in the park to be in a relationship with me... and I am fine with that. Looking back on the past two years, I realized how I have changed as a person. That amazes me because I always thought I wouldnt for a guy, but I find that if its for the right guy you find yourself changing with them and standing behind those changes.
I still remember our very awkward first date, the halarious parking garage first kiss, and the day we signed our shared lease here in Indiana. It feels like the best, most rewarding, and shortest two years I can remember. I often ask God what I did to deserve him and honestly think it was fate that we met, because it had to be PERFECT timing to come together the way we did... and to stay together as well as we did... and whatever I did to deserve him and this happiness -- gosh I hope it continues!
MYSELF: Two years in a relationship with someone who has more patience, a calmer attitude, and such a different perspective on life can really change a person. I have learned that yelling doesnt always solve the problem, and sometimes being quiet means you get better answers. I have learned the inside and outs of another human being and how to intereact and share space with him on a daily basis. I have learned how to love someone fiercely, yet let them experience things on their own -- and how to give my entire self up to someone and trust they will be up to the job.
I have moved across country with someone to live with them and start a new job... and found that it was 10x easier than I expected. I have conquered so many personal demons and surpassed so many goals in the past two years... that being in a successful relationship also makes it that much better.
I have lived in four different apartments, with three different roommates -- held down two successful jobs... gained 30 lbs and lost 60 lbs (more to come off)... successfully met all my financial requirements... and grown up too much to measure.
Two years today... today is a celebration and a day to reflect on the changes I have made personally through the success of being with my love.
Yesterday started out to be such a bad day... I blogged about it and decided to just leave it all out there --- that I had to get over it or I would go crazy. As the day came to a close, I just sort of forgot about all the crap and went into all my busy routine -- a great distraction. I PLAYED a game of softball (not coached) so I got to sweat out all of my stress and meet new people while I did it. My mom and boyfriend came to hang out too, so it was nice to laugh and have him see me play a bit. I have an entire career of softball that he never saw once, so bringing him into that part of my life is important to me. Then I came home and scarfed dinner, so I could go to the meeting of the team that I COACH and talk about the end of our season.
The kids were losing spirit and were not performing at the level that we expect, and we were consistently losing and becoming frustrated -- so we gave the parents the option to end the season a tournament early. No surprise, they all took it. I agree with that, as crappy as it sounds, I was TIRED!! My emotional cup runneth over and my body was ready to be done with chasing and coaching 10 year old girls. I LOVED it, but I havent seen my apartment on a weekend in over a month.
to continue after this phone call....
back to the blog...
I have found that my life is in this weird place with no CLEAR path or direction and there are so many balls (what-if's) up in the air that I am going crazy trying to figure out what is going on. I cant really concentrate at work and that is going to affect my bottom line and quickly. I am totally at a loss at what thing to tackle next, and feel like my eyes are constantly droopy and my body is constantly tired.
I have also been stuck in the 240's for like YEARS! I feel like it is totally normal and I am being pretty hard on myself -- but I am so ready to be out of the 240's. I need another BIG push in the butt.... to drop another pants size, or to lose a big amount in a weigh-in or to fit into a piece of clothing I havent for awhile. I am not by any means in the mood to stop or quit, and this is a devotion that like LOVE is not something I can opt out of... BUT I do want another powerful boost to make sure my body and my head stay in agreement about the path we are on.
Sidenote: I had something weird to deal with on my nipple so I am going to the women's doctor today to have it checked out and now I have really strong upper abdominal pain and an incredibly tired body. I need to take a sick day soon because I am running my body into the ground.
Today is not much better for me on the attitude front.. but i am off to do Yoga at our weekly class and hope that I can find some relaxation and purpose through that and get my day to look up.... and hopefully NOT tack on more pain and soreness to my body.
last note: Me and my boyfriend are going out tonight for our TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY which is tomorrow!! I made it... I was successful and stayed in a relationship for two years already -- holy crap!!!! I will write alot about that tomorrow... as the feelings and emotions just really flow through on that accomplishment and life change!
I cant really explain what my problem is, and that is pretty disgustingly girly... come on now! But I am really stressed out about several different things and it just feels really really down.
One thing that I am really struggling with is this weight thing. i have lost 2 lbs and then gained them back the following week, and this is hte next week where I am trying to lose them again. My mom lost 4 lbs this week (home scale) and I dont understand why i havent had the same luck. I have had 39 points of activity and there is more to come, and I have been eating my weekly points as instructed. It is possible that I need to eat more of the activity points, but its also possible I overestimate -- so i would prefer not to if avoidable. (which usually it is)
My money situation is NOT pretty -- definitely not something I am proud of. I dont have alot of debt, but debt in general really bothers me... and having more on my credit card than is in my bank account -- is NOT ok with me.
I got rejected from GRAD school for my MBA in Marketing. I wish i knew how to handle that maturely....i have really just avoided that thought and continued on with my life -- but i am really upset about it. I had a plan and I worked hard, and got rejected -- how in the hell?
Work is going ok, but my drive is basically non-existent. I have four days to get started on August though -- so ill keep my head up. Drive some activies in, stalk some customers... so August can be as great a month as July was. I NEED IT!
Crying and hiding is not an option... so here is me facing the world and pretending i am great--- and hoping that that will eventually be true!
Yesterday was a day where you look back and say... DARN IT!!!
I lost 2 lbs last week... and it was amazing. I hadnt eaten fantastically, i had a friend in town, and my exercise level had significantly decreased -- but I did it somehow.
WELL... this week I gained 2.2lbs of that back. So... lesson learned -- its not the first week when your mistake shows up, its the NEXt weigh in.
Did 22 points worth of exercise so far this Week (started tues)... so I WILL be rid of those silly 2 lbs.. I WILL
I started out with weight watchers online because I worked 50 hours a week and could not find a meeting that fit into my schedule. I also didn’t want the entire world to know that I was on the plan for fear that they would see me as the fat person that I saw myself as. I bought the weight watchers scale and it was delivered on July 3rd… I stood on it and it showed 301.4 lbs. HOW IN THE WORLD??? I never would have said that I weight over 300 lbs, things had gotten way out of control. In order to hit my goal weight I had to lose 120 lbs. I had to lose an entire PERSON off my body… was I really that fat?
My path started the next day and has continued since. On 7/4/2008 I entered in my first points tracking information and began changing my food habits. I won’t pretend it was easy for a second. I had to learn that ice cream wasn’t served in gallon containers, and nachos are not a food group. If I wanted to eat out, I was never going to be able to eat the same foods that I had lived on for years—certainly not in the same portion sizes. I slowly began checking into point values of my favorite fast foods, and quickly learned a lesson in healthy eating. One of my worst habits was NOT recording foods if I knew I would go over my daily limit. It was like if I didn’t write it, it wasn’t so bad. Lesson learned the next week when the loss would be 0 and my spirits would take a hard hit.
Its been over a year and I don’t remember a lot of that pain surprisingly. That is the best part of sitting in a meeting today and looking back – it seemed impossible on that day, but now it feels manageable. In January I moved to Indiana and stopped tracking for about 3 months… I still lived the mentality but wasn’t faithful in my tracking or journaling. In April of 2008, I realized that my schedule could accommodate the meetings and I joined with my mother to attend the meetings via the monthly pass. Meetings have taught me a lot about the diet, the program, and myself as a dieter. I have learned that sometimes giving others advice or tips becomes another lesson for me. Also, that as we work through others successes or concerns, I am learning right along with them. I faithfully weigh in every week and have becomes distraught if I cannot attend a meeting (only twice in 4 months) because I feel like I need to be tracking it always.
Lastly the most important lesson I have learned is that I can do it! I have lost 57.4 lbs off my body in one year and have about that much to go. I am not quitting, I am not discouraged, and I am not setting unrealistic goals for myself or my body. Losing one pound a week means this time next year I will be at goal, and knowing that this time last year I had just begun means I KNOW I can do it!
Tips:
(1)Explore healthier options for foods you love and then make them part of your daily processes.
(2)Learn from others at the meetings and STEAL those ideas or methods.
(3)READ labels on your packages to learn portion sizing and realistic calorie count.
(4)ALWAYS check nutrition information for a restaurant before you go (if you can)… if not, take your time and order smart and pay attention to portion size
(5)Find an exercise buddy or favorite activity and schedule it in your life – if it shows up as an appointment on your calendar, you can plan for it and feel more obligated to do it.
Thank you Weight watchers for giving me the tools to be a healthy person at the weight I need to be at and the knowledge to stay there.
I had to stop mid post earlier this morning and I submitted it to make sure it was saved... and when I went back to finish it -- I had received about three comments that were so inspiring. I dont think anyone can really put into words how it feels so have that support and to REALLY appreciate and value the kind words other people with the same struggle say. Thank you for supporting me and for letting me support you -- you are a BIG chunk of why I have this success to write about, and will have more in the future!
Previous Post Continued:
Life in general has been eventful for me... I have coached every weekend this month with my 10U softball team and really experienced the real differences between coaching and playing. I have also learned that coaching softball is not as aerobic as playing -- so I have started running laps with my players and doing all the dreaded stuff I used to try to avoid! My co-coach thinks I am wacked out, but weight loss does not come with standing still!! :)
This past week was a big giant lesson learned for me... my best friend came into town for a the week and I took vacation from work. I realized that I have become an adult when I took vacation to stay home for a week and really really enjoyed it. I loved sitting in my pool during working hours, driving around with the window open at noon, and not having a single stress about what was not getting done. Being new at a job usually enduces vacation stress, but I took it well and am proud of myself for that!
My best friend came into town, have not seen her for over a year -- she has been in miami, florida teaching for two years. We are very different... but its so neat to see that friendship grow with distance and be stronger instead of fall apart by the wayside. I think i learned more about myself in the past week, then the entire 6 months I have been in Indiana. She taught me how to step back and look at situations, she showed me the communication strength me and my boyfriend have, and she reminded me how worth loving I am. That I truly am someone that a person can wholeheartedly believe in, and that is ok!!
Lastly, my boyfriend got in a BAD car accident on Friday night. He totaled his car, and I was the first person he called --- wasnt even out of the car yet. I was completely panicked.. he was 15 minutes away, didnt know where he was, and claimed to be ok but i wasnt sure. I was scared!! We are driving down the road I think he is on and suddenly there are firetrucks, ambulances, and a big massive hoopla. I started bawling --- omg if its that bad he has got to be dead... omg omg!! Well turns out that was an entirely different accident and when I call him to tell him i am there, he says he is way farther down the road and sounds much better now. I finally get to him, about 20 mins later, and he is pacing while his car steams and is all bent up. His airbags went off, gasp, and his knees are bruised. He is safe... he is alive.. he is fine -- THANK GOD.
His car was ruined, and his entire brain shut down into panic mode the next 48 hours -- but he is alive. Another HUGE lesson I learned is that people handle stress very differently, and you have to love them enough to let them figure it out alone but be willing to help when they ask. Me fixing his car problem was not going to help him at all... just keep him weak. I had to let him suffer and panic and freak out, and be an all around freak show -- so he could FEEL the problem being fixed on his own and take control. I hated every minute of it, and frankly I wanted to kill him when his attitude went raw -- but to see him FEEL better about things slowly and to have the confidence that comes with that -- irreplaceable.
My family also swooped in and helped immensely -- just really gave him the support they would have given me.. and it was magical to see that and feel that. He is truly my guy, and my family truly believes in us -- and feeling that envelope of love is amazing!
He does get a new car out of the deal though -- i want a new car!
