the moodyness seems permanent
I must hear that advice almost daily... but how does someone just do that? Its genetics and the world that creates habits and world-view's... how do I just decide to let things go and move on? That is like gibberish to me!
I have been really up and down in the past week... and honestly It is driving me bonkers. I had a great weekend with my neighbors, including drinking and dancing - which I havent done since college! BUT... I also destroyed my points and went way over both daily and weekly for the entire week. I pushed up the exercise, but still gained 1.6 lbs on Tuesday night.
I understand 1.6 lbs is not alot and with the behavior recognition and change this week, I should be fine. BUT.. my brain cant really handle that I lost 3.2 in my first return weigh in -- then came back and gained 1.6 the next week. That is DUMB!
I also went on a huge gym rant because I am not enjoying my exercise and I never get to the gym. Which also means that I am not keeping myself active, stay depressed longer, and get more tired - which continues the cycle of not exercising. I have pushed that up in the past two days by doing a 5k training on Tuesday and a dog walk on Wednesday. I just wish I was in the habit already and didnt have to force it on myself daily.
I do feel alot better since Monday's exercise break down because I have found a gym near by house that I really think will be great. My neighbor is a very strict exerciser that really keeps herself on the program and therefore me too. We have already made a pact to make sure the other goes at all costs; and I love having her around -- so that makes it better! Her husband is really good friends with my boyfriend... so it will be nice to have a couple's thing sometimes!
My sister is going to join with us I think... so she has two workout buddies too. The gym is also closer to our houses and not out of the way; so it seems to be a better choice. It is also a SHRINE, so I am more than sure it has the equipment that we all need/want.
Work... now THAT is a giant depressing thought. I am not selling anything, and I have not activated a new lead in over two weeks. Which means my pipeline is dwindling and my spirits are falling fast. Im just really decimated with my spirits and confidence and I feel like the clients can hear that on the phone. Which continues the cycle of frustration. Also, my boss is such a laid back guy and he always tells me I am fine (Even in months that I have no sales)... and that I am low on his worry list. Which means I dont get alot of help and he refocuses his energies on other people before me. So.... I am fine now, but every month i worry that I will randomly get on the bad list or possibly fired and never get any warning. Things are not going well here with us being in sales and the economy continuing to go down -- and management just isnt recognizing that fast enough.
Although it is not a good idea for me to start my rant on management, because it will never end! Lets just say.... not a group I would like to be a part of OR under. I would certainly take control and lead it though!
Spirits lifting just because I got some of this trash out.... ::sigh::
Last heart wrenching thing is that I wanted a puppy, chose one and said I was going to adopt it... then its Mom's owner came into the shelter and took it back. So... my heart is a little hurt and my hopes were up and then doused... just frustrated and sad.
wow... its been a week; time flies!
I had no idea it had been a week since I last blogged; wow time really flies! So much has happened in this past week as well; alot of ups and downs.
I have some news I am not going to share on here until it comes through; that would be unprofessional -- but its good news!
I also have some bad experience news from this weekend and softball that just really broke my spirit; but honestly Im not ready to put that on the internet either!
so... I will talk about my weight watchers meeting last night and the ups and downs I went through there in just the 45 minutes. I met my sister at my house, changed pants and went up to the bathroom to weigh myself on the way out the door. That way I could be prepared for what I would see; BUT it was not anywhere close to the WW scale.
I weighed 251.2 on my home scale at 6pm last night, and I weighed 255.0 on the WW scale at 620pm last night -- when all I had done was drive! It was really tough and just hit me right in the solar plexus. I would have NEVER said I had gained 25 lbs back... that is ridiculous and irresponsible. That is NOT paying attention to anything I eat or do for months... I dont like that person I became.
The meeting was just really rough; it was a good leader and group but I was soo upset and not thinking straight that I couldnt find the good parts. We did go to Qdoba afterwards and have a 10 point smart meal which helped some of my issues. Feeling in control and thinking through the food I eat means I am showing an effort; and effort is what brings you back to being thin. Again, I am pretty mentally drained and upset about the entire thing -- I cant believe I let it get that bad. BUT like my WW leader says -- its not about yesterday or tomorrow; its about TODAY.
Therefore, Today I made good breakfast choices and will continue to do that moving forward this week. Yesterday was a new beginning and I have proven that I can lose 70 lbs, and I have been thinner than this 6 months ago -- so its very possible! It shall be done!
i dont really understand...
and I have some good news too. First the good news!
I ran 3.1 miles at the gym on Monday -- its not something I have ever really done. Well, I ran half of it exactly -- and did the entire 5k distance in 42 minutes. Which is a 14 min mile -- which I think is really good for a person that doesnt really ever run. I changed up the training program just a bit and did Running for 3 minutes, walking for 3 minutes. Towards the end it got really tough, but it felt so good to push through and have those successes. Every time I finished a 3 min running section I felt better and soon I had the strength and confidence to push through the really hard ones. It felt really good! And now I can say I can run half a 5k; and only getting better from there!
The better part of that was that I had lost a pound the next day on the scale and have been following points pretty closely these past three days -- b/c I weigh in offiically at weight watchers for the first time (in my second go around) on Thursday. So my weight is accurate as of my Monday weigh in, because I started online a week before I could fit in the meetings. Now I can fit in a meeting and so I want to be at the same weight or possibly lower when I stand on their scale tomorrow. BUT... my weight this morning went back up to a pound ABOVE my weigh in Monday.
So... how is it that I run and get a 650 calorie workout, lose a pound, stick to points, and then the following day have gained a pound? Its really frustrating! I understand NOT to weigh yourself everyday and your body goes through changes constantly, but I need it to be back to the 245 number by tomorrow morning. I dont want to start out the weight watchers weigh in larger than I already was because of some weird body trick. Thats dumb!
So... I am eating most of my points for breakfast today and then hydrating all day and letting my body clean itself out! Hopefully that will work to get the number back down and some of the bloating -- blah!
Today is a birthday for one of my close ones; and its going to be a GREAT day!
maybe it took a bit longer than I wanted...
Hey all. I tracked my food from last week and didnt go over weekly and activity points; but I did eat way too much Saturday and Sunday -- which means weigh in on Monday was ugly. Now, I dont remember what I weighed last week... since this was going to be my starting weight.. but its 246.2. I think that is a gain from the last time I recorded it, but a loss from last week because I was creeping up there.
I feel a bit better having a starting weight on the books, because now I have a number that I need to lose and a goal to reach -- its not just some vague notion out there in I WISH land. 14 lbs to return to my lowest points this year and then 30 lbs to get down to the "healthy BMI" range that my trainer has me in.
Ironically, some people would say you only have 30 lbs to lose.... chill out You will do it! I remember not even reading the blogs by people that had less than 50 to lose when I started -- I didnt want to feel like I couldnt do it. Two years ago on 7/4/07 I weighed 301.4. As of 11/08 I was at 231 and now I am at 246.
(1) YES -- I can lose the weight, and yes it was not torture or hell.
(2) If you veer from the program, the weight will come creeping back.
(3) Do NOT keep your fat clothes because wearing tight pants is usually the necessary rude awakening us "I can do it alone" people need.
(4) GO TO MEETINGS! Quitting really is not worth it, it just tortures your mind later when that weight creeps back on.
(5) I am BETTER than this -- and will NOT play the weight rollercoaster game anymore.
I am proud of myself for stepping back in the program... first meeting on Thursday morning again. Its been 8 months, I have gained 15 lbs. One thing that I cannot handle... when I squeeze into my desk to type on my laptop, its at the exact height for my tummy to rest on it so my elbows have space. There is no more miserable thing than to be the most comfortable in your chair in the same position when your stomach rests on your desk -- and I dont even think I am that fat. OUCH!
I am a head case today because I know the journey in front of me and I am not sure I am 100% ready to dedicate myself to the gym and time commitment that comes with it. But I am ready to dedicate myself to feeling better and not being so filled with weight gain guilt -- so, it will all come in time.
wow, i should track before I berate
I just tracked the queso and chips that I ate yesterday.... It took alot of my weekly points left, but NOT all of them! It was not as bad as I thought. I mean it was bad to have no control over stuffing my face -- but it was not a huge amount of damage that cannot be repaired. I am still actually below my weekly points for this week and may lose some weight on Monday! HOLY MOLY!
Do you ever step on the scale, see the number, and then go into full blown personal destruction mode and just become disgusted with yourself? I am the queen of being too hard on myself, and I think in this case it backfired. I have been doing well this week, have not gone over weekly points -- have charted everything I ate.. and then I ate an entire bowl of cheese dip yesterday and ruined all my momentum and went ballistic on myself. Not to mention stepping on the scale and seeing a number I was NOT prepared for... and then spending all morning feeling like a cow. How ironic is it that I still weight 60 lbs less than I did two years ago and I STILL call myself a cow?
It makes me ill.. just sick to think about how obsessed I am. BUT... I cant seem to pull it together and stay on track. Its like a viscious circle and I also fear that I have done real damage and wont be able to just lose it back off. Ill have to change all my habits all over again, and Im not sure Im prepared for that. My clothes are getting tight, I enjoy myself less in them, and my tummy is way jigglier. Why did I do this to myself? Why did i gain back weight i promised myself I wouldnt? BAD CATE!
Ok, well I feel crappy and tired today -- and really want this extra flab to be gone. I need to pick up the eating plan and get back into the exercise plan; but its just so intimidating and time consuming -- I fear having another thing on my list to do. Maybe getting up in the morning will solve that problem, who knows. But I gotta do something because I hate my look right now and that sucks everytime I look in a mirror. YES im beautiful, but not as beautiful as I was 15 lbs ago!
I need to let go.
I have alot to rant about today.... honestly, I am trying to keep a better attitude and not let stuff get me down. I read somewhere that the world doesnt change much, its just how people react to it --- they react the way they want to feel. Well, I am tired of feeling down and crappy and if its that easy to change -- I want to do that. So... I am trying not to dwell, stay mad, or really let things (like work) ruin my day. BUT... last night I just had this horrible evening and it was so difficult to bounce back and let things go.
First and foremost -- weight issues: I did ok yesterday with food, didnt splurge too bad.. just a few into weekly points. I am confident that I will stay below my range this week -- and that is a nice feeling. I feel good tracking points because that means that I am paying attention to what I eat -- and that is wonderful. So, not really a bad day on that front.
Secondly -- softball. I am just so weary that typing all of it out just really irritates me, and sounds like so much work. This is my first year as a coach and I really have found that I dont have the hard shell that is requires and that is really tough. Anyways, over the past few weeks we have been losing alot and getting a bunch of attitude from the parents and I have been going home crying almost weekly. To help you understand, I give up Fri-Sun straight to travel an dTuesday nights to practice -- its not a small commitment. You add that into my other daily commitments; and I never see my boyfriend or my friends. So going home crying every weekend is just another stab in the back of frustration -- im gone from whom I love, and not enjoying it.
Anyways, last night.... there is a organization coach that resides over all of the teams in our organization and steps in occassionally to give advice, coach the coaches, and make sure rules and decisions are understood. Well, my team had a fantastic showing -- and then a small issue right at the end of the last game. So I called him and got really angry and frustrated and he decided that meant he should take over. SO... without talking to me about it, explaining it, or really giving me any warning -- he shows up at practice and begins bossing my kids around and putting me to the side with no real leadership ability. These teenagers whom I have fought to get respect from for weeks are now seeing me put to the side while he takes over; I could PUNCH HIM. Not only that, but he doesnt really ask my opinion on stuff and then tells me he is going to be taking over the lineup and decisions for the next two tournaments. So.... after I have taken all of this in -- I talk to him afterwards in private and it only gets worse.
He says he is going to be a part of the season because this is when parents start getting angry and he wants them to know that he made the linup and he made the decisions so they know who to yell at BUT he will take my thoughts into consideration. (screw that.. they are MY KIDS and I KNOW them... screw my damn thoughts being considered) THEN he says that I still get to coach 3rd (which is head coach position)... and make decisions but he wants us to play this way, that way, this way. So basically, I am just his puppet so all the girls think I am making decisions... when realistically --- NONE! The very worst part of this whole thing -- he has been absent for the entire season through all the frustration and emotions - and when we start winning and his other team falls apart ... suddenly he wants to be involved. ************* !!!!!!
It just feels like I am a 12-year old and got a A on a test, and then got grounded. It doesnt make any sense in my head; and just feels like someone who could take control finally chose to -- and I was nieve to think I ever had control.
So... I think I am going to be done with that until the tournament. Its really dumb to get pre-mad and assume you know the way things will go when in reality, it could go either way. Not to mention, I am physically sore as hell -- and that doesnt help the mood.
OH OH OH OH.... and I have a final worth 70% of my grade that is take home and essay, that I get to take for three hours tonight. SUPER! I cannot wait until my schedule clears, I have five days off a week and I can think straight. All I want to do is hit the gym, WW, and the pool -- whenever I want!!!
How ironic is it that I am begging for freedom from all my commitments, but the second Im bored again -- I will take on another commitment. Hmm... a viscious circle.
Couch to 5k
WOW I AM SO EXCITED! I found another person on the blog randomly.... and she is doing the exact same couch to 5k program as I am. God I really needed that pick me up, that someone else was trying it and doing well at it. I am at week three; I have done one successful training session there -- but it was on a treadmill so I am not sure. Either way, I am not going to punish myself because it was on a treadmill... that doesnt help anyone.
I have two more weeks of softball and then my schedule clears, so I am going back to Weight Watchers meetings and ramping up my 5k schedule. My 5k is in October... and that is 11 weeks from the end of softball season; so if I am diligent -- I should be fine! (its a 9 week training program)
I just can NOT imagine being able to run for 20 mins, much less 35. HOLY CRAP!! I would just be soo shocked... and then I would probably run on the treadmill afterwards just because I could. I have never run more than a mile, and the mile I have only finished twice -- so here goes a big goal!! Here goes!!
the second day, im staying on track
Yesterday I cheated, but not too horribly and I stopped without finishing my food... which felt great. Cheated is actually in correct -- b/c I get 35 weekly points and I have not gone through those yet... so technically I was within my point boundaries. Neat -- I like that attitude better!
Although, I went to get Mexican dinner and that was a bad idea because I knew walking in that it was NOT going to be healthy for me. And with all of the junk I ate this weekend -- its only adding to the belly full of blah that I have. And its my period week (which I only get every 3 months)... so I am bloated and gross. super!
I stepped on this morning and it showed 245; which is with period bloating and a weekend of eating everything in sight. I am hoping that number is inflated and when I step on Monday -- it will be a much prettier sight. I can lose 10 lbs in three months -- especially with my 5k training... I just need to opt back in to exercising. COME ON NOW WOMAN!
I have a gym membership and I have a great running area in my neighborhood... why cant I just opt in and get back into exercising. Honestly, its really time consuming. I love it while I do it, but it takes up precious moments with my boyfriend, family, and social life -- and that just stinks!
I have a new attitude about work... do not let it bother you. I refuse to let my workplace beat me... refuse to fall into their bad attitude trap... and refuse to let the economy ruin my happiness. I can sit here, do my job, and still find other things in life to enjoy. This month is going to be fabulous and I refuse to let work get me worked up, stressed out, or unhappy and ruin that!
That will also empower me to not eat out of depression, boredom, or anger -- because I dont have any anymore!
admitting to the weight gain...
I promised myself I would be honest, so I put what I weighed now in my blog and the graph changed to moving UP. When I signed on two years ago and begun this process, I promised myself I would not be one of those people who throws away their hard work and watches the graph climb up again. I am keeping a positive attitude today, but that graph is KILLING me and just really reminds me of how SHARP (literally) of an incline I have allowed.
The Up stops Now.