Lizzie and HP vs ED

Reworking my approach to health. Surrendering for freedom.

My Profile

  • Name: LizzieRuth
  • City: Reston
  • Region: Virginia
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 157.5cm
Start weight: 183.00lb
Current weight: 170.00lb
Goal weight: 150.00lb
Lost to date: 13.00lb
Remaining: 20.00lb

My Calendar

26
May '12
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My Photos

Before After
Really Simple Syndication
03/04/2011 16:17

Positive Body Changes

I'm still amazed every time the scale goes down. I'm at 170 now!!!! I'm so excited that what I'm doing is WORKING!
 
A few positive changes I noticed: In addition to my flatter tummy, I'm starting to get some hourglass curves back. I used to be a real hourglass, then I added several extra hours to it.
 
Also, I put on a little jacket-type top yesterday with short sleeves. Last time I tried it on, the sleeves were so tight I thought they would cut off circulation to my arms. Yesterday, it fit comfortably! I can't believe my arms are actually shrinking size!!! That's wonderful.
 
I noticed suddenly this week that my face looks thinner too. I actually am starting to have a defined chin again. Amazing!!
 
All these changes blow me away. I think the very very hardest part of lifestyle changing to lose weight is the first 4-6 weeks when the weight IS coming off, but my body's not changing to show any differences. All of a sudden, I see changes and I feel like the ball is rolling. I'm so glad to finally be seeing positive changes in my body, not just on the scale. I mean, I love it when the scale goes down, but what I really want is to look like myself again. It's incredible to me that my body is actually shrinking.
 

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02/26/2011 17:13

A little bit pregnant

LOL!!! OK so I'm  not *actually* preggers, I thought the blog title would be a good laugh. Because you know how people say you can't be "a little bit pregnant?" Well, 10 lbs. ago I looked a LOT pregnant. And now I think I only look a "little bit pregnant." LOL. Hopefully soon I'll get rid of that "baby weight" entirely. I knew it was bad because I work with children and several of them asked me, in all innocence and seriousness, if I had a baby in my tummy. OUCH!  But I was in so much denial I still managed to shrug it off for a couple months. Well, now I am happy to report that it does not look as much as if I have a baby in my tummy. A flatter stomach is slowly emerging. Hooray!

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02/23/2011 23:30

Happy Dance!!!

It is time for a happy dance!!! I am down 10,  yes TEN POUNDS!!!!!!!!
 
I can barely believe it. I feel very tempted to recheck the scale tomorrow morning... but I want to wait a couple of days in case of water weight (that time of month is fast approaching ;)   And also cuz, just in case it's a fluke, I want to enjoy it for awhile. My scale readings have been steadily declining though, so I believe this is for real. Yaay!
 
I think as I lose the weight, I'm also losing my denial. Like, I thought I looked relatively fine. Not perfect, but not very overweight. I'm not saying this to say I hate myself or anything like that, because I don't, but who was I fooling??? Only myself! I am seriously overweight! My main priority is my good health and freedom from addiction, but as part of that, I can't go around pretending my weight is fine. It's not fine. It's not healthy. Even the most generous BMI calculator, taking muscle into account (which I've lost a lot of anyway) still calls me "obese." Not just overweight, mind you. Obese.
 
Well. I am on the right track and I feel great. And I must seriously have been stuffing myself into my size 16 pants because I'm down 10 lbs. and they still fit. Not the slightest bit loose, uh uh, nope. Just fitting comfortably. Well, ok, different pants do fit differently. Some are noticeably looser, but my black pants would not be among that category. I'll be super excited when some of my favorite clothes fit again, like my size 14 clothes! Hopefully I'll be able to fit into them in time for spring.  
 
 

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02/22/2011 17:38

Inspired

I have just been so inspired by reading a few blogs from fellow EP'ers.
 
I love being reminded that this journey, for me, is about good health, and for myself that means physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
 
I have some feelings coming up now since becoming "food sober" (38 DAYS AGO!) and they are hard to deal with. A lot of my instinct says to run away, but what's a miracle to me is that my instincts are not "run to food." Yeah, I have days with temptation. But I keep praying and asking HP to help me, and I stick to my food plan. Which is not a diet, just a plan for healthy living. I decided when and how much I was going to eat for each meal, and I stick to it. I can still go out to eat with friends, and I do, and just choose the best healthy dish on the menu. Sometimes I take half home if it's a huge portion. For me, sugar is a huge trigger so I stopped eating that, but like I said in an earlier blog, when a friend bought me a Starbucks treat, I drank it and it was fine. I'm not going to be rigid about it. For me, flexible is best, since I used to be anorexic for 3 years. (Hard to believe that at my current weight, but I used to be a size 4/6. Way too skinny for my body type.)
 
I guess I have to remind myself to plug into the spiritual and emotional pieces of this process. I am grateful to my HP for relieving the food addiction, and He continues to relieve it on a daily basis. It's truly a miracle to me that I haven't binged in 38 days. I was getting so bad I could barely go 2-3 days without a binge.
 
I think it's time to deal with some of the emotional pieces that are coming up. I'd like to put those pieces to rest because they are truly my binge triggers. Underneath it all, it was never about the food for me. It was about the emotions and the memories that I didn't want to face. And not just emotions from the past, but I couldn't deal with emotions from the present, either. It got to be so any little thing was a reason to binge, to stuff feelings I didn't want to feel.
 
I think I'm getting better at it. It takes so much practice, though. But life gives me lots of opportunities to work on it

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02/19/2011 16:59

Down 8 lbs!

I'm so excited to be down 8 lbs AND at 174, under 175 for the first time in probably at least a year. That encourages me so much to keep going.
 
It was hard to not overeat yesterday, I went out to a sub shop with my friends from work for lunch, and even though I knew inside I should get the small sub, my friends all got the regular so I did, too. Didn't want to look different. Nobody outside of EP and my support groups knows I'm trying to lose weight, I guess I don't want people staring at me and criticizing me or asking how it's going. Well, we all ended up taking half of sub home, since it WAS too big. Oh, we all got small fries, too. Haven't had fried food in over a month. Sugar is my big trigger, but I thought I could handle a small fry, since I've been doing so well.
 
Well, perhaps not so well if I indulge, it turns out. I wanted to gobble that other half of my sub up right after getting back to work! There's no WAY I should have been hungry after half a sub (I did get the grilled chicken) and fries, but my body kept sending me "I'm starving!!!" signals. BUT I prayed, asked for help from HP, reminded myself of my program, and did not eat that sub until dinner. Phew!!!! It was so hard not to eat it sooner, though, but I knew that was NOT on my food plan to eat a sandwich in the middle of the afternoon. The old me ate whenever I wanted to or whenever my body signalled that it was hungry. Problem was, my body LIED! And all I did was gain weight.
 
Also what distressed me was how fat I looked. The sub shop had annoying mirrors everywhere, and gosh my face looks so FAT!!! It's horrible! I guess my home mirror is more forgiving, but seeing the harsh truth upset me. And that's being down 8 lbs! I tried on clothes this week, just for fun, I thought that making it 30 days food sober I deserved a little NON-FOOD treat. Well, nothing fit! I hated it and how fat I looked! ugh. It's so depressing but I guess the only thing to do is keep moving forwards. I definitely don't want to give up and gain all the weight I've lost back. It's just hard to see how far I still have to go to get back to where I want to be. I used to have a BODY, you guys! Things used to FIT! Where has that self gone??? The sad thing is, it's been gone for so long and I've truly been in denial over it.
 
Well.... I will keep on moving forward. One day at a time. I can do it just for today. That's what I will keep telling myself. And remember that wonderful 174 mark! And that my plan is WORKING! Weight keeps coming off regularly, I love it! And I need to stay hopeful.

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02/13/2011 18:30

Got to catch up!

Hi all,
 
got to catch up with a quick blog. Haven't been on EP for about a week BUT still sticking to my food plan etc... and down to 175!!! How awesome is that?? I'm SO excited.
 
I'm feeling overwhelmed though with all the work I have to do, work, grad school, cleaning, and I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep. I think that's mostly avoidance though. One of my daily readers says something like, "No matter how bad the day goes, or how much does or doesn't get done, if I stay food abstinent that day is a victory." That's a huge paraphrase but I like to remember that --- no matter what else I'm NOT accomplishing, or feel stressed about, I'm staying sober with my eating. Day 29 today!!!! Almost made it 30 days binge-free!!!
 
Two important victories this week -- I'm off sugar now, but a friend at work bought me a Starbucks coffee treat, well, I drank it because I desperately needed the caffeine, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and also, I don't want to become OCD obsessive with this food thing. My MO in the past has been crazy rigidity and restricting and rules for myself, and no flexibility or forgiveness. Just punishment. So I drank it and enjoyed it, it was good, but I didn't feel tempted to go out and binge on sugar or a dozen donuts or go back to my old ways. In fact, I was like, you know what? This is tasty but not THAT good. I feel like my HP is still giving me sobriety and I don't want to obsess about one sugary thing. I actually feel like it's more healthy and sane to be able to have a little sugar in an unusual situation, and not become crazy about it.
 
Another victory - I went out to breakfast with my brother yesterday. And a miracle occurred. Halfway through my meal, I actually registered a signal from my body that I was FULL. Before, I would not even be aware of those signals. And then the old me would have not felt satisfied until I was not just full, but overstuffed. Instead, this time, I paused, reflected. and took the rest of my meal home and ate it for dinner. Amazing!!! It makes me feel sane and sober to see myself doing new behaviors like this.
 
I have been too busy to go to my food support groups this past week or so, but I'm going to try to get my work done early today so I can make a meeting tonight. I do like hearing other people's stories and successes and even struggles, too, because it helps me on my journey. Which is why I enjoy reading everyone's blogs on EP. It's so encouraging to see I'm not alone on the path.

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02/05/2011 14:07

Hooray!

Not only have I successfully made it past my 3 week milestone of EP'ing, I have lost another pound! Now I weigh 177 and this is lower than I made it on EP the last time. So I really feel like I'm on my way now.
 
I am getting more and more comfortable with accepting "food sobriety" as a daily gift from my Higher Power. At first, I was scared and afraid I'd lose it. I didn't have much faith that HP would continue to provide it on a daily basis. But, I am almost 3 weeks without binging and almost 4 weeks without sugar. And my compulsions and cravings are gone. They disappeared when I turned things over to HP and, while I worried it was temporary and they'd come back, they haven't. And I'm starting to have more faith that they won't.
 
So now, instead of being scared all the time, I am becoming more comfortable. I don't want comfortable to become complacent -- I am still sticking to my eating plan, of course, and watching out for those little snacky impulses. But they're manageable, whereas before they'd become unbearable compulsions. I've even had emotional eating urges -- I got upset and had the *thought* of eating donuts and blowing my food plan -- but I was able to calmly and rationally think through that and choose not to do it. Plus ask HP for help. And it worked. Before, I would have been a goner as soon as that thought hit my brain. It would have become a compulsion, not a thought.
 
Well, I am not obsessing about the scale but I am looking forward to more weight loss. I was really pleased to get to 177 today because I feel so satisfied on my food plan, but not overfull, and I want that weight loss verification that I'm at the right number of calories. I mean, I still get hungry, but it's a few hours after a meal which is appropriate, because soon after I get hungry it's time for another meal.
 
I could tell looking in the mirror yesterday that my tummy is not sticking out quite so much, either. I want to lose that "pregnant belly" look, yuck! And I think it's getting a little flatter. I've lost 5 lbs., so it makes sense that I can see a little change already.
 
Well, I've got to go to a meeting for work. Bleeeah early Saturday meetings!!! But I feel good to blog a little first, I've been so busy I haven't been on much in the last week or so. And it's good news! Hooray!

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01/30/2011 15:30

P.S.!

Today is my 2-week anniversary of not binging!!!!!!!!! It is such a miracle that I have gone 14 days without a binge. That hasn't happened in the last 2 years. And even before that I would've been restricting on days I wasn't binging. This time, I'm eating sanely and making sure that I eat enough food and that I'm eating regularly and eating healthy foods.
 
I am so grateful to my HP for helping me on a daily basis. Today is another morning that I've woken up and I don't feel crazy. I don't feel obsessed with food, I'm not starving myself or hating food or comforting myself with it. I'm just eating it on my schedule and that's it. And it fills me up and makes me feel good. Not bad. Not still hungry or over-stuffed. Not like its prisoner. Today, I feel free and I am continuing to ask HP for help, just for today.
 
I feel really great, physically great. I can't remember the last time prior to these 2 weeks that I have felt physically ok. I mean, I still have my pain levels from the FM and RA but my whole body is feeling so much better overall. I guess that's having healthy blood sugar levels for once.
 
I'm so, so, so glad I surrendered this now because Type 2 diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I was so afraid with my sugar-binges and weight gain that I was slowly heading there. And the crazy thing was, even though I was terrified of that possibility, I'd still binge! I'd still be stuffing my face while worrying about my health! I couldn't control myself. I hope that now my future will be a healthier one.  

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01/30/2011 15:20

Feeling Better

Well, I'm feeling better today. Made it through the yucky feelings. It did snow here yesterday, not any accumulation, but that accounts for all the physical pain I was in.
 
The great thing was I didn't eat over feel crappy, whereas before that would've been my immediate solution to "solve" everything. Funny how that really ended up solving nothing. I mean, here I am heavier than I've ever been in my life. My "insanity" with food is that the binging wasn't even making me feel good anymore. It was making me feel miserable. And I still couldn't let go of it. Or wouldn't. I was very stubborn that I, Me, was going to find the solution... or at least that I had the power to control the solution. I just wasn't "ready" to. More like I was powerless to actually control anything. I was way out of control.
 
Well, I'm going out to lunch today but I asked my friend to go to Atlanta Bread Company. I know they have salads and I will pick a protein-ful salad with a roll or breadstick or whatever's non-sugary. I have found with my hypoglycemia and fibromyalgia that eliminating all carbs does nothing good for my blood sugar or my pain levels, but as long as I don't binge on the bread and limit my intake, it really helps control my hunger levels. For example, I eat a salad every day for lunch (it always has some kind of protein, they are these really convenient and delicious single-serving pre-packaged deals) and I eat a bagel with a little bit of butter. A non-sugary bagel!!!! My trigger foods were the cinnamon-raison bagels with lots of cream cheese. Almost like cake. Well, now I eat the garlicky "everything" bagels. I really enjoy them and I'm not tempted to overeat on them.
 
So, I have a good plan for lunch! Also, I know the portions can be huge -- I will see if I can either order a small salad or else get a to-go container and take half home.
 
I have gone back to drinking black coffee. I used to really like and enjoy black coffee but then Starbucks came out with that Pike Place roast, and I couldn't stand it. It's so bitter and strong and nasty-tasting. And most locations didn't have an alternate flavor brewing. So I started adding creamer to my coffee. And sugar. And then I got spoiled. It got to the point where at home I was buying those sugar-filled flavored coffee creamers that are like all sugar and palm oil, not even milky! Yuck! I'm so glad to be back to black coffee, I know I'm saving a lot of calories. I buy flavored roasts (I'm down to the cheap stuff, not Starbucks anymore, LOL!) like Hazelnut or Caramel. I haven't found a brand I love, though, I've been experimenting slowly with different brands. If anybody has a favorite brand, let me know!  I'm not super fond of Dunkin' Donuts. I like Chock Full O' Nuts but since I stopped adding creamer I'm looking for more yummy flavors, CFON is just plain roasts.
 
Anyway, those are my rants and ramblings for the morning!

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01/29/2011 15:43

Can I make it past 3 weeks?

Well, I am feeling really crappy since last night. I don't know if it's that more snow is coming (which flares up my pain levels) or if it's just good ol' PMS. Probably it's both. Well, I'm not feeling discouraged in my eating plan per se, just blah and discouraged overall. Last time I was on EP I only made it 3 weeks. It'll be 3 weeks for me without sugar tomorrow. I'm not really having any cravings, which is a blessing; I don't feel like blowing it - I just feel like not making an effort to connect with friends, do my grad school work, clean, go to meetings, basically do anything productive that I need to do this weekend. I think it's the PMS-Monster.
 
So I'm trying to just reflect on that fact - yeah, I feel bad but it's biological, it will go away, I won't feel bad forever... etc etc.
 
I am going to try a gratitude list. Here goes:
 
I am grateful that....
 
I am not having binges.
I am not having cravings.
It has been almost 3 weeks without sugar!
It has been almost 2 weeks without binging!
I am sticking to my food plan.
I have good friends to see today, and I don't have to pretend to be feeling better than I really am with them.
PMS is just temporary!
I can still do work and accomplish what I need to even if I don't 100% feel like it.
 
Progress not perfection.... Little chunks of work at a time.... bleeeeaaaah! Not feeling it!!! Oh, well. At least, seriously, I'm not blowing my eating over it. I really am grateful for that.

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