01/29/2010 21:22
Back at it again
Going to try to keep up with this blog, although wasn't successful last year. I do think it would be valuable in many ways.
I honestly couldn't remember what my weight was last time i was on here. I'm happy to see I'm actually less than before. Of course during that time I've had ups and downs. Interestingly, I haven't come here now because I'm at a low and desperate for progress. I'm actually feeling really in control right now. I am eating healthy and resisting urges to overeat. I'm in "the zone" which I have experienced before, but it does tend to leave as quickly as it came. I don't understand that, but want to work through it.
No exercise yet. Can't figure out how to fit it in my day, but I know that's a flimst excuse. Right now I'm celebrating that I do feel like weight loss is possible in this moment. For now, I think that's enough.
04/08/2009 20:30
On a roll
Its been a good couple of days. First of all, I got some great new that I was selected to a receive a HUGE scholarship that will pay for me to get my PhD as well as a small salary. It was funny, though, that I found myself wanting to celebrate with food. Funny how I use food during both difficult times and celebrations. I always think of it more as a crutch, but obviously it has other roles in my life too. Anyway, my husband wanted to go out to eat to celebrate, and I was sooooo tempted, but I had a healthy dinner in the crock pot and somehow mustered up the self-control to insist we eat that instead. Unfortunately, my husband isn't always a great influence. He is overweight as well, but not motivated to change it, and that ends up putting me in difficult situations sometimes. Its really hard for me to say no to ordering pizza, for example, when I'm exhausted and have nothing thawed for dinner. Anyway, that's another huge issue that's worthy of its own post on a later date.
I have not been successful in keeping a food journal yet, but did look into sparkpeople (thanks for that suggestion!) and am going to try to get it set up. I just have so little extra time. I really shouldn't even be taking the time to write on this blog! Although I haven't written things down I've done a great job of sticking with low-cal, healthy options and I estimate I'm eating about 1700 calories a day, which is higher than I want to be, but still significantly better than where I was. I jogged 2 days ago and last night did some strength training even though I was totally exhausted after putting my son to bed. I had to force myself to do it both nights, but did it.
It was interesting to me that when I initially thought about pulling out the weights last night I got nervous. Why nervous? I actually felt a little bit of fear when I thought about doing it. Yes, I was tired and would have rather just sat on the couch, but it was the anxiety of it that was really making me not want to do it. I tried to reflect on why I felt that way. I had never thought about it before, although I know I've had that feeling regarding exercise MANY times. The only thing I could come up with is that its the fear of failure. Kind of like I'm embarrassed that I've had plans to get in shape before and failed, so I'm hesitant to do it again. I don't know how to explain it and I haven't really figured it out honeslty. It was very interesting, though, to recognize that anxiety was holding me back from exercise even more than lack of energy. Need to explore that within myself more fully.
Oh, and I got on the scale first thing this morning in just my skivvies and saw a number I haven't seen since before my son was born - 178.5! That was a nice start to the day. I don't think its actually really representative of a 4 pound weight loss since I posted my initial weight since that was with clothes and later in the day, but it was still nice to see.
04/06/2009 03:43
A mixed weekend
Well, I didn't make any great progress this weekend. First of all, what I did not do well - my husband had his annual company dinner and I didn't eat very well. It was a buffet and I tried a little of everything along with two glasses of wine. I also did not exercise at all. And, we had dinner at my Mom's today, which was not the healthiest of meals. But, what I *did* do well is that my other eating during the weekend was great, and I didn't go overboard at any meal. I could have done better, but I could have done worse too. And I suppose the absolute best thing is that I haven't "fallen off the wagon". I'm still here fighting it out. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try to make the best of it and not beat myself up for any slips I've had. Weekends are always hard and I'm going to have to work on that.
I'm trying to decide whether to go back to counting my calories. When I was successful before I wrote down everything I ate into a little notebook and tallied my calories up every day. It was certainly an effective part of my weight loss plan, but I don't know that I have the energy for it this time. I wonder how essential it is to my success? I guess i could just try it this week and see if I can keep up with it. But I also feel like I need to focus on exercise as my primary goal, along with healthy eating. Part of me thinks I should set goals/requirements for myself such as daily calorie limits and an exercise plan, but another part of me is afraid that will set me up for failure. i just don't know, but need to figure it out.
04/04/2009 03:06
Almost back where I started
Thank you for the welcome wishes! This is a new thing for me, but I'm hoping to use this blog as a method of self-reflection as well as a place to give and get support. My weight loss journey has really been lifelong, and I'll be 35 this year.
I guess what I want to start with is some history. Very briefly, I was always an overweight kid. I don't remember a time that I wasn't. Based on old photos, it looks like around 1st grade is when it started. As some of you may understand, being fat and feeling horrible about it has been one of the main foundations of my life unfortunately.
Although I went on plenty of diets, I never succeeded in achieving a healthy weight until I was 25. At that time my friend Tara was getting married and I was a bridesmaid, which of course involves getting measured for a dress. So, the whole wedding party gathered one weekend at the store, and after they took my measurements the saleswoman told me that my dress would be more than the others because they had to use extra fabric. Ugh. I guess that was my rock bottom. I decided that when I got home things would change.
So I went on a strict diet and exercise program. I gradually cut my calories back until I was eating between 1200-1500 a day. I worked up to doing strength training and jogging 3 miles a day. Sounds so simple when I write it like that, but it was the biggest struggle of my life at that time. Of course it got easier as the weight came off. I went from 193 pounds to around 145. I felt so good about myself that I even gave up getting on the scale.Can you believe it? I was healthy and really thought I had the weight thing figured out. I wanted to tone my arms and legs up, etc., but overall was happy with myself. That was 2002.
I won't go into the long story since then, and honestly don't know if I really know why I ended up back here. Regardless, I'm now 182 pounds and miserable with myself again. My life is also more complicated. I'm a mom of a 1 year old, a PhD student, and pretty much exhausted all of the time. So it feels even harder than the last time to do it. But, I want to try.
My exercise plan is much less rigorous than the first time. I am getting back to jogging. I try to do 30 minutes (which includes some periods of walking too) on most days of the week. Need to add in strength training, but haven't yet. My eating has changed, but I need to start keeping track of calories, and I still make excuses (its so-and-so's birthday of course I can have a piece of cake, etc.). So, that's my brief history to this point. I'm going to keep trying and see where that gets me.
04/02/2009 03:03
Trying this out
Testing this platform out
