Mindset changes

While my little one was sweetly asleep yesterday on the couch, I took a peek at McKenna's website and read about the four steps he outlines.

I followed at least one of them yesterday. Eat what you want, not what you think you should.  I had two donuts for breakfast.  I had oatmeal for lunch.  I had a few chips and nacho cheese for an afternoon snack.  I had ravioli with garlic toast for dinner.  I even had some strawberries for a snack but I really wanted just a bit of ice cream, so I allowed myself that bit of ice cream.

Not once did I feel the need to eat the "unforbidden," and I see some light at the end of the tunnel . Once I stop thinking about foods as being "bad" or not "on plan," I don't obsess over them.

I'm really working on hard on trying to eat much slower.  I did great last night at dinner and put my fork down between every bite.  I ate what was on my plate and contemplated whether I felt satifisfied and did not eat until I was stuffed.  It was just the right amount of food for me.

I've been following these two steps for two days and upping my water intake ( i was a bit slack there for a week or two on fluids ) and already I'm down to 190.6 this morning.

I am not on a diet.  i'm changing my life.  This doesn't have to be hard.  We make it hard.  It's all in our heads what we do to ourselves, the self-hatred for "going off plan" and it's nonsense. I shall not have any guilt again about having something delicious and fattening.  I'll eat it, savor the flavors and textures and how I felt eating it, and go on with life.  It doesn't mean I've messed up.  Does this make sense?

And I'm going to make time for an exercise DVD today cause I know I will feel fabulous if I do it.  I took the time to do it Friday and felt great.  I was sore for a day afterward, but it felt wonderful.

Have a great Monday.

Ate normal

I feel as though I ate like a normal person yesterday.  I didn't overeat at any point throughout the day.  I didn't head to the pantry on every whim where I felt as though I wanted something to snack on.  The thought was short-lived, and the next thing I knew, it was either lunchtime or dinnertime.

I have a pattern where I'll do great for 3 weeks. I'll lose weight.  Then TOM will arrive and my weight on the scale will go up. My cravings kick in full force, and I give into them.  I usually get right back at it the next week but this last time I didn't. 

I was 197 in January and got down to 187 at one point at the beginning of March. then we went on a short trip out of town and I ate at restaurants.  I don't feel I overate but eating out and staying within calorie range is near impossible.  So that put me off track.

I think I overeat because I can hear my mom from years before saying, "You don't need another piece of cake.  You could afford to lose a few pounds," and I threw the cordless phone at her and actually hit her in the head.  i was 22 or 23 years old at this point and about 150 - 160 pounds.  I could have been thinner, but I wasn't fat.

I can put that behind me and learn to eat normal.  I know I can.

UPDATE:

My mom always put me down about my weight.  I wasn't the skinny one or the "cute" one.  I don't believe I'm ugly by any means, but my sister was the one who looked like she walked off a Melrose Place set.  Her hair was always perfect, always cute clothes, and almost always a size 0 or maybe a size 2 but I doubt she was a size 4.  

I got tired of hearing my mom's rude ass comments about my weight, so that was the straw that broke the camel's back, i guess you could say, when I threw the phone at her.  I didn't mean to hurt her.  I was really upset at the moment and that was my first reaction at the time.

No matter what my sister looks like, she's a loser.  She's 35 years old and is a waitress still.  She has two bastard kids by two different dads.  She's been arrested.  She has no education. She's trash, in my opinion.  Her and I went our separate ways about middle school when she started smoking and drinking and using drugs and I was still a goodie-goodie.    But I'm no angel.  We all have done our share of stupid things.

And to clarify, when i talk about eating normal, I'm talking about not obsessing over food, to not have feelings of binging and eating it all so I won't have temptation around any longer.  Thin people don't obsess over food.  I've talked to thin people and they do indulge and pig out occasionally, and so, yes, they do do it too, but they don't do it as often as fat people do.  But I do believe food isn't on their mind as much as it is those of us who are struggling to rid ourselves of extra weight.  We are constantly reminded of it with the bulge over our pants when we sit down!!  We have to think twice about eating junk.  I don't want to have to think about all this anymore.   I want eating "normal" to come naturally.

Normal

After watching some of that new show, "I can Make you Thin," I have some hope that I, too, could be a normal eater.  I have hope that this won't be a struggle forever.  I'm going to order the CDs from McKenna and I'll post my findings once I receive them and begin using them.

I don't want to feel the need to eat all the cookies I bake or eat all the marshmallow peeps with the belief that the sooner they're out of the house, the better.  Then there won't be any temptation.  I know I know I shouldn't even buy the stuff but normal people eat this stuff.  It's just they eat in moderation.

I want to be normal.  I don't want to have food or weight issues.  That's all I want.

In Disguise

I'm hoping no family members find out about this blog and read up on my success and/or failures.  I just hate that my SIL had my old blog, so here I am with a fresh start.  It's none of her business how I'm doing!

Quick background, started out at 225 when I started this journey back in Feb of 2006.  I pretty much maintained all last year at around 185-190 and now am up to 192 this morning.  I get to 185 - 187 and then fall off the wagon, so to speak, and gain again.

I'll post pics later when I have some time.  good to be back.