Learning to Love Myself

 I have a confession. I have been holding back when I write my blogs….alot! I feared for people to look at my blog and say she is messed up. I have been dealing with alot of things lately and have not been able to get it out! I am going through a very difficult time emotionally!!!!!

I ended a 5 year relationship with the guy I thought I was going to marry. The saddest part is I am still in love with him. Everyday, I ask myself “why didn’t he love me enough” and “why wasn’t I enough” Needless to say. my self-esteem is on the floor. I am having a HARD time picking up the pieces! The past 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. This week I was a little more calm but the little voice in my head whispers “What is wrong with me?”

I am scared of life now. I thought I knew myself….I thought I knew what I stood for….and I thought I loved myself….but I feel so shaky right now. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I am mad as HELL that I feel like this and over a guy. I mad that I am not strong enough! I feel broken right now.

I am trying to put myself back together. But I want to be stronger than before. I want to never lose who I am and question my worth. I ask God to search me and break me to build me back up again. I know that I am going through one of the most beautiful times of my life…although I don’t see it that way most of the times.The process is painful! I know it will take time but I wanted to let you guys know what I am going through. Thanks for letting me vent.

everyone is a little

messed up! i know i certainly am. And i know how it feels to lose a big constant in your life and the terror that comes with. There is no point in me saying it gets better because thats not what you need to hear right now (even though eventually it does). i'm in a 7yr relationship trying to figure out if we move on from here or go our seperate ways.

All i can say is take one day at a time, one joy at a time. Save a little energy each day for you and you alone. Dont expect to be strong right now, and all the time. Your inner strength is like your body. you need to work on it, build it up and one day, without even realise, you'll be there. Until then just do a little bit each day and enjoy your tears. strange as it sounds, they will release your fear

angell

x

She's right :)

{{{{{{{Gaby}}}}}}}}

There is NOTHING wrong with you.  I know when something like this happens, we question it all, and we start with ourselves.  We blame ourselves, what did we do, what could be wrong with us, .... but in the end, it's not us - honey, it's them.  There's a book out there called the Four Agreements - and one of them, is never take anything personal.  Now, I realize this is different... deeper....tougher.  But it really is still true.  You can't blame yourself, and please don't make yourself a victim.  I know it's hard right now, but the good Lord will see you through this, and you will be even stronger.  I know it's hard to even think about that part right now, and if you're anything like me, you keep hearing that voice saying, "but what about ME?"

This is your time Gaby.  If you think about it, this is your chance - your  cocoon.... you are melting and changing, and all the wonderful qualities that make up you, are merging and growing - when a catapillar goes into the chrysalis stage, that's when they get all soft, and gushy, and they are completely transforming during that time - but to do it, they have to be broken completely down, in order to emerge in their new form - as a beautiful butterfly.  You are being shaped, and molded, polished and perfected... that's why I was saying, take some time and look in the mirror, and honestly, tell yourself you love yourself.  Out loud... say it... until you mean it.  Look hard into that beautiful woman's eyes, and tell her you love her.  Unconditionally, right now, the way she is.  Embrace, her, and then honey, you can let her go...at least parts of her anyway :)  because the catapillar parts have to go to make way for your new wings. 

It's hard to know why right now.  But believe me, there's a reason, and eventually you will be able to look back, and maybe have clarity about it.  If you were going to marry this man, of course you are in love with him.  That will take a while, and you may never really get over him- he'll always probably have a place in your heart.  But there is a man out there, just waiting for you.  And you just never know... this could be a break for growth for both of you, and maybe with some time, things could change?  But if you know in your heart that's not the case, take hope, and know that someone as wonderful as you, deserves someone equally as wonderful.  You are changing - and maybe he just couldn't keep up with that.  And believe me - after 22 years of being married to the same guy - if it was going to happen, it's better that it happened now - and not after you've been married for a while.  Probably not much consolation, huh.  But truly.  I think God must have bigger plans for you Gaby.  You sound like you have strong faith.  So keep that faith - and know that you are loved. :)

And you know?  I couldn't believe it, when you quoted Dr. Suess!  The instructor I work for at the college, reads that very book to the class, every graduation!!!  Isn't it amazing, how incredibly wise that man was.  That a book we heard or memorized during childhood, could actually have some pretty strong meaning as an adult. 

And Angell is right.  Let yourself grieve... your tears are a blessing... they are washing away the old, and making things new.  This is an opportunity Gaby, to really throw yourself into YOU.  And when you truly begin to love yourself the way God wants us to... you will be a shining light to others... they'll be attracted to you; not because of how you look, but because of how you love yourself.  So wrap yourself up in your cocoon for a while... really focus on YOU, and be gentle with yourself... honor yourself and your body.  Make gratitude lists - the things you're thankful for, every day, even if you can only think of one thing.  I guarantee, you'll start feeling better.  And finally know that when this passes Gaby.... you will be a new version of you.  A stronger, more confident, self assured, wiser woman.  You create your destiny.  It's yours for the taking - and the giving.  And when the dust settles... you will emerge from that cocoon, a beautiful shining butterfly.  :)

Love and Light {{{{{{{{{{Gaby}}}}}}}}}}}}

Trish

No Way

Girl you are not messed up you are just going thru a grieving period.  Look it's best you spent 5 years with him and not 10 years.  So look at it that way.  Another thing you cann't make yourself feel better over night specially after spending 5 years with someone.  So take it easy, don't be so hard on yourself with time and patience you will bounce back and be alright and maybe meet someone who is right for you if that is what you want otherwise you will be fine.  Take care Girl.

Hmmm!

First of all you are not messed up  Sounds like you are human you are going thru a mourning period...5 years is a long time. But a short time if it wasn't right...God is moving this guy out of the way in order for the RIGHT guy to come along...Let God take the wheel. BE sad now so that you can be extremely happy later.

Well ok back to the post you sent me... My watch is a polar f4 and I would definitely recommend it. You don't even feel the chest strap! When I'm working out I look at it to make sure I'm working out as hard or not to hard as I'm suppose to. The website is http://www.polarusa.com/Products/fseries/f4.asp?cat=consumer

Although I got mine off ebay for $68.

Keep your chin up buddy,

Tracy