12 years ago today.. and babbling...
Yep, I know it's a weird thing to know about oneself but it was 12 yrs. ago today that I last saw 200 lbs. I used to weight myself at the GNC store where one gets a digital printout and I kept that little slip of paper ... Hoping.
I moved in with Jim March 2002 (we met in March 99). By April 2002, we bought the house, he got a car and our previous lifestyle of being car-free, riding bikes, walking, going out and having an energized lifestyle no longer existed. Jim's job turned full time, I focused on massive remodeling of the house and we just kind of existed for a bit. Then his parents died and a part of him died with them. Then major medical issues stopped me in my tracks. Post-surgery we started the business.
It's like a finally woke up from a coma or something a couple years back and realized saying I'd get back to 199 lbs again was a fantasy unless I started moving again. After posting here, using livestrong for calorie tracking, and exercising, I managed to get back down to 218 lb. by fall 2010. Then my health went to s*&t again, I got depressed, frustrated and it felt like I just couldn't succeed in the weight loss game. Self sabotage set in...again. By 2011 I was back up to 258... again.
I have a really bad habit of blaming Jim for lots of things that don't work in our lives and honestly a lot of things are his fault due to his chronic complacency and habits of being disorganized, a slob, and not caring about the house, his health or anything else that I think he should care about. And I won't even get into his chronic irresponsibility with finances and how many times he's lied to me about $ etc. etc. Frankly, he creates a LOT of stress and I often think I should leave him. Other days I think I'll stop breathing if I can't look into his eyes or hold his hand. My friend says 'that's love' <shrug> I wouldn't know.
When I'm really honest with myself and take a good hard look at ME, I have to admit I've stopped taking care of my needs, my wants, and my goals. I've wrapped my world so tightly around Jim that I'm not a separate entity or as independent as I used to be and it's changed me, both physically, mentally and socially. I've essentially become a hermit over the last several years and rarely go anywhere without Jim. It seemed easier to rely on Jim for transportation needs (I don't drive due to low vision) but when I'm really honest with myself it's made things harder on me in many ways. Now I'm trying to Dehermitize and to do that I have to 'keep it real' with what *I* need to do differently for MY life to work better. I have to stop making excuses about the heat in Florida or the distance or whatever. I have to suck it up and get to know the public transit system here. I need to get back to the old me: a confident and independent gal I respected, admired, cherished and took care of because I was worth it.
The reality is: I THOUGHT Jim and I had the same ideas about the type of life we wanted. I was wrong on so so so many levels. I've tried to support, encourage, change ... the list goes on... Jim's ideas, perspectives, behaviors and I can't do it. He doesn't want to change. He's happy in his complacency and carelessness with all areas of his life. He has created a very bad health situation for himself by gaining 100+ since we met. He's 6'7" and 420+ lbs which has lead to diabetics, testosterone problems, back problems, leg and foot problems and other self limiting factors. He knows he'll function better if he loses the weight but he's always got an excuse: feet hurt, tired, too hot.. whatever! He doesn't want to do anything after work but sit on his duff. And he has zero interest in learning portion control/better choices etc. It's a freaking battle when we cook meals because I want to cook portions and he wants to cook a whole box of pasta or even 2 boxes of mac and cheese. That's ridiculous for 2 people!!
Over the last few weeks, I've branched out and started walking to some of my own errands. Yep, I'm Dehermitizing myself. It's a challenge for me every time I head out. The heat of Florida is still very much here and it's easier to shop with Jim then it is to carry stuff home 40 mins. in the heat. Plus, I'm not real good with talking to people or connecting with people. It's another part of my change myself plan of action. I'm also working on dressing better when I go out, with and without J, so that I feel better about me.
More later aka ramble ramble about other craziness in my life that doesn't make sense.