Adventures in Weight-Loss Land..

Leyla's Adventures in Weight-Loss Land..

My Profile

  • Name: LeylaNur
  • City: Drexel Hill
  • Region: Pennsylvania
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 165.1cm
Start weight: 217.50lb
Current weight: 208.00lb
Goal weight: 145.00lb
Lost to date: 9.50lb
Remaining: 63.00lb

My Calendar

May '15
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Before After

My friends list

Anxiety strikes again!!

Yes, anxiety strikes again.. This time with a vengeance!!

Over the past few days, I've been experiencing anxiety at a level pretty much unheard of for me before..

I've always thought of myself as a really laid-back, optimistic, 'let it all roll right off my back', kind of person. You know, slow to anger, quick to forgive.. That was me. Maybe I was wrong?

Earlier today I hypothesized that maybe I've always been an anxious person.. Perhaps, I just didn't notice because I self-medicated with food. Seriously, unless I'm actively trying to follow a healthy eating plan, I'm usually either in a stage of serious hunger or recovering from one of the aptly named 'food comas' I was apparently fond of pushing myself into day after day after day. It could have dulled my senses, God knows I was feeling sluggish and 'drugged' all the time. Could that be it?

All I really know at this point is that this much anxiety absolutely cannot be healthy. I feel like I'm steps away from a massive heart attack.. Like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and every muscle in my body is tense. There's an almost heightened awareness about everything, like my body getting stuck in 'fight or flight' mode.

I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder before, and I wouldn't even have thought to go to the doctor for it, since I've only begun experiencing this frequently in the past two weeks or so. I don't think they're panic attacks because panic attacks aren't supposed to last all day, are they? I thought they were more come and go, and I've had mild ones sporadically.. This is different.

Anyway, regarding the rest of my day, you could draw a line smack dab in the middle labeling the top 'rotten' and the bottom 'sweet', and that would pretty much sum it up.

As usual, I went to bed late last night (or should I say, this morning?), around 3:30am. My husband works late, so our schedule is a little different from the average nine-to-fiver's. This morning (or should I say, afternoon?), I woke up, as usual, around half-past noon. My husband was ticked off because he always wants me to wake up early, but I just can't do it. I am not a morning person at all! Add to that the fact that I can't conceive of a reason to wake up 'early' since he generally doesn't go to work until 5pm and then all our activities are scheduled in the late afternoon and early evening.

Anyway, he woke up in a rotten mood and started sulking, went into the living room and got on his laptop. I could tell he wasn't in the mood to talk and I wasn't in the mood to look at a sour face and feel the life-sucking effects of an energy-vampire, so I just laid in bed and tried to relax, procrastinating getting up and being productive.

Pretty soon he started banging around in the kitchen, reorganizing the plates and cutlery, pots and pans.. I decided to stay out of his way and retreat to my nook and try to relax. I grabbed my breakfast, consisting of two bananas, an ounce of raw almonds, and a cup of lemon herbal tea, and I signed online.

One of my friends popped up on instant messenger and we got to chatting. She asked me if I wanted to go out and I told her, honestly, that I was too stressed to think of anything and that I would give her an answer after my husband went to work and there was finally some peace and quiet over here so I could at least attempt to relax. Long story short, she said something along the lines of, "I don't know if we can be friends anymore.." Something about me making mountains out of molehills and being stressed all the time. I just kind of snapped and responded, "okay, if that's how you feel, that's fine", and turned off the computer.

At this point, my anxiety level was almost through the roof. I didn't know whether to scream, punch something or cry. At times I really don't feel like I have anyone I can vent to. If I don't say anything, I want to explode, but if I do vent, I'm a pessimist and neurotic and any number of terrible things I would prefer not to describe myself as. The only thing I could think of to do was take a long, hot shower, which I did.. Unfortunately, it didn't help too much.

I got out of the shower, wrapped up in my towel and laid on the bed. My husband came in and said he thinks I should go to my mom's house for a few days and chill out. I almost started crying and he asked me what was wrong and I told him the whole story about what my friend said. I asked him if he thought I was a toxic personality, as I was starting to feel that way.. Like I'm just a giant black cloud because I seem to have a negative effect on people's lives. (I have to mention, I don't usually feel this way, but everything looks bleak when you're in that kind of mood.. Past, present, future.. All crap!) He was nice enough to snap out of his funk and give me some reassurance, which made me feel a little bit better. This was the turning point.

A few minutes later, he left for work and I shuffled off in my giant towel, back to the comforting confines of my nook. I called one of my other friends who had mentioned wanting to go walking around the mall, and she said she was still up for it and would pick me up in fifteen. I hurried up to get dressed, she picked me up, and off we went to the mall!

A small part of my anxiety over the last few days was stemming from the fact that the summer heat is right around the corner, and clothing-wise, I'm ill-equipped to brave it! You see, the main problem I was having is that I'm Muslim, and as such, we are required to dress in a modest fashion, which dictates that we wear concealing clothing.. High necklines, long sleeves, long bottoms and a modest fit that covers up our curves. All this, with enough space so as not to resemble a sausage squeezed into a casing.

In the United States, dressing like this can cause quite a bit of difficulty. It's bad enough in autumn and winter when most things are long, since Western fashion dictates stores to carry shirts cut right below the navel, pants cut low on the hip, and most things in figure-hugging shapes. Compared to warm-weather shopping, cool-weather shopping is a breeze.

In the summer, things that were bought in winter, such as sweater coats and heavy knit tops, become absolutely unbearable due to the heat. Going to the mall and attempting to buy 'appropriate' clothing is a nightmare. Everything is tank tops, sleeveless, shorts, mini skirts.. If you're lucky enough to find a tunic, it's either short sleeved, not long enough to cover your bum, or has a gaping neckline.. All of which would require creative layering. Layering is really NOT something I feel like doing in 95 degree heat. After many, many fruitless attempts to find acceptable clothing, I turned my attentions online.

Now, there are plenty of online boutiques catering to Muslim women. Unfortunately, these boutiques have one of four problems, or more often than not, a combination of them:

- Their products are mostly synthetic fabrics. Don't ask me why, but a lot of Muslim shops online carry synthetics. I'm a cotton kind of girl! Breathable fabrics are important to me.

- Their products are generally shoddy. Not worth the money for the inevitable disappointment.

- Their product line consists of only XS, S, M & L. No XL.. Which, of course, is what I need. Blah!!

- Their products are priced out of my monetary comfort zone. $70 for a single tunic top? Thanks but no thanks! These same places like to constantly advertise their sales. Even on 'sale' the lowest priced cotton top is $35. Most of them only drop to $55 or $65. I'm not rolling in the money and only being able to buy two or three tops all year.. and spending about $200 or more for those three tops? Only if I have absolutely no other option!! (I suppose it's better than baking in my own juices in a sweater coat - but still!)

Hopefully, now you can see my dilemma!

Anyway, not feeling very hopeful about finding anything, I went to the mall with my friend. We had a good time chatting.. I brought a banana so I wasn't ravenously hungry and tempted to breaking point with the mall food. (Cinnabon is especially evil!) We went to Starbucks and I got an unsweetened 'passion' flavor iced tea. I felt good about myself.

We walked around, browsing through stores.. Went into a few maternity shops because my friend is eight months pregnant. While in the maternity shops, I noticed something.. All the tops there were longer in order to accomodate covering a pregnant belly. I thought, 'a-ha!' and started looking through the racks. Found a few promising things..

Later on, we went into Sears. I had a gift card there with about $80 left over from Christmas. To my surprise, I found quite a few things there! Ended up buying three tops and a pair of linen trousers. One of the tops was a beach cover up tunic, two of the tops were from their maternity department.

Now, I don't know if I should feel strange for buying 'maternity' clothing when I'm not pregnant, but I see it like this.. Hey, it fits. It covers the bases. The extra room for the belly creates the extra length that I need, and a little extra space at the bottom so it's not riding snug on my bum. Voila! Success!

For anyone out there who stumbles on this blog, if you're not Muslim, it might be hard to relate.. But for me, it was a very, very happy moment! So, the day ended on a fairly positive note. :-)

After that, I came home, made a quick dinner of a coconut curry with red bell peppers, onions and chicken breast. I cut back the usual calories by not using any oil and by using 'lite' coconut milk as opposed to the regular stuff. I served it with white rice mixed with scallions. It wasn't the healthiest or most waist friendly dinner, but it hit the spot. I really needed something that was comfort food, and I did account for every single calorie and log it. Next time I'll serve it with brown rice or a salad, or just make a coconut milk and chicken soup and save on the carbs.. Because, honestly, most of the calories in the dish came from the rice.

That was pretty much my day.. Glad it's over and done with. On with tomorrow! Hopefully it brings good things!

Wrinkle cream!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention..

I bought my first ever container of 'wrinkle cream' this week. Yes, 'wrinkle cream'.. I'm getting a furrow between my eyebrows from constant squinting. It's worrisome.. Just a few months after finding my first white hair. (Thankfully no more have made an appearance!!)

To think, I'm not even twenty-seven yet and already feeling the scary effects of aging. :-(

A non-weight-related mini-goal for the week..

As a non-weight-related mini-goal for the week, I'd like to try and use my bleaching tray.. I've been procrastinating about it for a long time, remembering how it made my teeth super-sensitive when I last used it. :-(

It's just that I hate the way my smile looks in pictures, almost as much as I hate the way my body looks, and that's saying a lot. While the weight loss will take time, the bleaching tray and gel is pretty much a visible improvement achieved overnight..

So yeah, this week, I should really try and just do it, just bleach the heck out of my teeth. No more tea stained smile!!

Goodbye week 1.. Hello week 2!

:: Exhale ::

So, there goes my first week in weight-loss land. Six pounds kicked to the curb and I ain't gonna miss 'em! Not bad for the first week, non?

Anyway, today went by alright.. Had a few tiny non-scale victories..

- I navigated the dangerous waters of Dunkin' Donuts by ordering the comparatively low-cal egg-white and turkey sausage flat-bread as opposed to various other more appetizing, albeit less health-friendly options.

- I said "thanks but no thanks" to both our favorite Chinese buffet AND my beloved Olive Garden!

Tiny, perhaps insignificant victories.. But victories nevertheless!!

As far as victories for the week, those are a bit more significant. :-)

- My relationship with my husband is improving as he sees I'm actually trying to better myself.. Which gives him additional respect for me, or so it would seem.

- My relationship with myself has also improved as I see that I can, once again, say "no" to things which aren't beneficial to me.. That one time back when I was nineteen and lost seventy pounds through acts of super-human willpower wasn't just some anomaly.

- I've experienced increased energy this past week. Not much, but usually my energy is close to an abysmal low. This week it's been closer to a low-to-average. I'm thinking it's maybe the additional nutrients, multi-vitamins and hydration, and less of those sleep-inducing refined carbohydrates and junk.

As far as other things going on.. I have experienced a bit of anxiety this week. Part of it is from getting on the scale every morning and having my fingers, toes, eyes, arms, legs and every hair on my head crossed that the scale will reveal a loss that morning. A few times this week it hasn't. Sometimes it shows a gain.. Something insignificant like half a pound that could very well be water weight, digested food in my stomach or God knows what else. By the next day, I usually register a compound loss to make up for the day before, but it's still disheartening at the time. I'd follow the advice of some people and just stay away from the scale barring my once-weekly weigh-in, but I find that in general, the scale is a motivating tool that keeps me on track. For now, it stays.

Another part of my anxiety stems from what I mentioned on my last blog.. All my fears for when I lose weight, which I probably shouldn't worry about now, since that's a ways away, and almost anything is better than being fat.. But yeah, those have been on my mind.

I also read an article today about how a lot of people just focus on numbers on the scale to gauge their health as opposed to body fat percentage. It was saying that a large amount of dieters see the numbers on the scale go down, but they're actually losing a lot of muscle along with their fat. This is a big fear of mine since the last time I got down to a near-ideal weight at 135lbs, I looked bigger because I was flabby. I believe I lost a lot of muscle along with the blubber. I hope this time it isn't like that. I have to do weight training, starting sooner than later. Apparently, weight training also helps some with the loose skin by replacing volume where the fat used to be, and also by the muscle drawing the blood vessels in the skin to it or something.. Which reminds me, I need to buy some heavier hand weights! I should ask for one of the pricier dumb-bell sets for my birthday coming up in September.

I guess that's all I have to post for now. I might pop back in later to rant some more. Until then.. Adios! :-)

A bundle o' nerves..

It seems like I'm nervous about EVERYTHING today..

- Nervous about eating too much and not losing

- Nervous about eating too little and sabotaging my weight loss

- Nervous about the weight coming off too slowly and getting discouraged

- Nervous about the weight coming off too fast and looking like a deflated airbag

- Nervous about loose skin, a saggy face, saggy bat wing arms and saggy breasts

- Nervous about losing muscle as opposed to fat

So yeah, nervous about practically everything!!

On the plus side, I've managed to stay well on plan since I started six days ago. I know six days is just the beginning, but like the cliche, "a journey of a thousand miles (pounds!) starts with a single step." This is my step.

So far, I've lost six pounds in six days. The realist part of me (I should nickname her 'Daniela-Downer') says it's just water weight. Probably true for the most part, but it's still such sweet relief to see the scale numbers steadily decreasing day by day toward my goal.

I've set a mini goal for myself to get to the oh-so-coveted 'One-derland', that is, under 200lbs. I have 12.5lbs to go until I hit 199.0! I'm really excited about it. My short-term goal is to be in the 190's by the Fourth of July, and I believe it's a realistic goal.

As far as more long-term goals, let's see..

- I'd like to be at my half-way point from my start weight to my goal weight (181.25lbs.) by my 27th birthday in September.
- I'd like to make my goal weight within a year of my start date.

Let's see if I can make this happen!!