05/31/2009 07:22
Anxiety strikes again!!
Yes, anxiety strikes again.. This time with a vengeance!!
Over the past few days, I've been experiencing anxiety at a level pretty much unheard of for me before..
I've always thought of myself as a really laid-back, optimistic, 'let it all roll right off my back', kind of person. You know, slow to anger, quick to forgive.. That was me. Maybe I was wrong?
Earlier today I hypothesized that maybe I've always been an anxious person.. Perhaps, I just didn't notice because I self-medicated with food. Seriously, unless I'm actively trying to follow a healthy eating plan, I'm usually either in a stage of serious hunger or recovering from one of the aptly named 'food comas' I was apparently fond of pushing myself into day after day after day. It could have dulled my senses, God knows I was feeling sluggish and 'drugged' all the time. Could that be it?
All I really know at this point is that this much anxiety absolutely cannot be healthy. I feel like I'm steps away from a massive heart attack.. Like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and every muscle in my body is tense. There's an almost heightened awareness about everything, like my body getting stuck in 'fight or flight' mode.
I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder before, and I wouldn't even have thought to go to the doctor for it, since I've only begun experiencing this frequently in the past two weeks or so. I don't think they're panic attacks because panic attacks aren't supposed to last all day, are they? I thought they were more come and go, and I've had mild ones sporadically.. This is different.
Anyway, regarding the rest of my day, you could draw a line smack dab in the middle labeling the top 'rotten' and the bottom 'sweet', and that would pretty much sum it up.
As usual, I went to bed late last night (or should I say, this morning?), around 3:30am. My husband works late, so our schedule is a little different from the average nine-to-fiver's. This morning (or should I say, afternoon?), I woke up, as usual, around half-past noon. My husband was ticked off because he always wants me to wake up early, but I just can't do it. I am not a morning person at all! Add to that the fact that I can't conceive of a reason to wake up 'early' since he generally doesn't go to work until 5pm and then all our activities are scheduled in the late afternoon and early evening.
Anyway, he woke up in a rotten mood and started sulking, went into the living room and got on his laptop. I could tell he wasn't in the mood to talk and I wasn't in the mood to look at a sour face and feel the life-sucking effects of an energy-vampire, so I just laid in bed and tried to relax, procrastinating getting up and being productive.
Pretty soon he started banging around in the kitchen, reorganizing the plates and cutlery, pots and pans.. I decided to stay out of his way and retreat to my nook and try to relax. I grabbed my breakfast, consisting of two bananas, an ounce of raw almonds, and a cup of lemon herbal tea, and I signed online.
One of my friends popped up on instant messenger and we got to chatting. She asked me if I wanted to go out and I told her, honestly, that I was too stressed to think of anything and that I would give her an answer after my husband went to work and there was finally some peace and quiet over here so I could at least attempt to relax. Long story short, she said something along the lines of, "I don't know if we can be friends anymore.." Something about me making mountains out of molehills and being stressed all the time. I just kind of snapped and responded, "okay, if that's how you feel, that's fine", and turned off the computer.
At this point, my anxiety level was almost through the roof. I didn't know whether to scream, punch something or cry. At times I really don't feel like I have anyone I can vent to. If I don't say anything, I want to explode, but if I do vent, I'm a pessimist and neurotic and any number of terrible things I would prefer not to describe myself as. The only thing I could think of to do was take a long, hot shower, which I did.. Unfortunately, it didn't help too much.
I got out of the shower, wrapped up in my towel and laid on the bed. My husband came in and said he thinks I should go to my mom's house for a few days and chill out. I almost started crying and he asked me what was wrong and I told him the whole story about what my friend said. I asked him if he thought I was a toxic personality, as I was starting to feel that way.. Like I'm just a giant black cloud because I seem to have a negative effect on people's lives. (I have to mention, I don't usually feel this way, but everything looks bleak when you're in that kind of mood.. Past, present, future.. All crap!) He was nice enough to snap out of his funk and give me some reassurance, which made me feel a little bit better. This was the turning point.
A few minutes later, he left for work and I shuffled off in my giant towel, back to the comforting confines of my nook. I called one of my other friends who had mentioned wanting to go walking around the mall, and she said she was still up for it and would pick me up in fifteen. I hurried up to get dressed, she picked me up, and off we went to the mall!
A small part of my anxiety over the last few days was stemming from the fact that the summer heat is right around the corner, and clothing-wise, I'm ill-equipped to brave it! You see, the main problem I was having is that I'm Muslim, and as such, we are required to dress in a modest fashion, which dictates that we wear concealing clothing.. High necklines, long sleeves, long bottoms and a modest fit that covers up our curves. All this, with enough space so as not to resemble a sausage squeezed into a casing.
In the United States, dressing like this can cause quite a bit of difficulty. It's bad enough in autumn and winter when most things are long, since Western fashion dictates stores to carry shirts cut right below the navel, pants cut low on the hip, and most things in figure-hugging shapes. Compared to warm-weather shopping, cool-weather shopping is a breeze.
In the summer, things that were bought in winter, such as sweater coats and heavy knit tops, become absolutely unbearable due to the heat. Going to the mall and attempting to buy 'appropriate' clothing is a nightmare. Everything is tank tops, sleeveless, shorts, mini skirts.. If you're lucky enough to find a tunic, it's either short sleeved, not long enough to cover your bum, or has a gaping neckline.. All of which would require creative layering. Layering is really NOT something I feel like doing in 95 degree heat. After many, many fruitless attempts to find acceptable clothing, I turned my attentions online.
Now, there are plenty of online boutiques catering to Muslim women. Unfortunately, these boutiques have one of four problems, or more often than not, a combination of them:
- Their products are mostly synthetic fabrics. Don't ask me why, but a lot of Muslim shops online carry synthetics. I'm a cotton kind of girl! Breathable fabrics are important to me.
- Their products are generally shoddy. Not worth the money for the inevitable disappointment.
- Their product line consists of only XS, S, M & L. No XL.. Which, of course, is what I need. Blah!!
- Their products are priced out of my monetary comfort zone. $70 for a single tunic top? Thanks but no thanks! These same places like to constantly advertise their sales. Even on 'sale' the lowest priced cotton top is $35. Most of them only drop to $55 or $65. I'm not rolling in the money and only being able to buy two or three tops all year.. and spending about $200 or more for those three tops? Only if I have absolutely no other option!! (I suppose it's better than baking in my own juices in a sweater coat - but still!)
Hopefully, now you can see my dilemma!
Anyway, not feeling very hopeful about finding anything, I went to the mall with my friend. We had a good time chatting.. I brought a banana so I wasn't ravenously hungry and tempted to breaking point with the mall food. (Cinnabon is especially evil!) We went to Starbucks and I got an unsweetened 'passion' flavor iced tea. I felt good about myself.
We walked around, browsing through stores.. Went into a few maternity shops because my friend is eight months pregnant. While in the maternity shops, I noticed something.. All the tops there were longer in order to accomodate covering a pregnant belly. I thought, 'a-ha!' and started looking through the racks. Found a few promising things..
Later on, we went into Sears. I had a gift card there with about $80 left over from Christmas. To my surprise, I found quite a few things there! Ended up buying three tops and a pair of linen trousers. One of the tops was a beach cover up tunic, two of the tops were from their maternity department.
Now, I don't know if I should feel strange for buying 'maternity' clothing when I'm not pregnant, but I see it like this.. Hey, it fits. It covers the bases. The extra room for the belly creates the extra length that I need, and a little extra space at the bottom so it's not riding snug on my bum. Voila! Success!
For anyone out there who stumbles on this blog, if you're not Muslim, it might be hard to relate.. But for me, it was a very, very happy moment! So, the day ended on a fairly positive note. :-)
After that, I came home, made a quick dinner of a coconut curry with red bell peppers, onions and chicken breast. I cut back the usual calories by not using any oil and by using 'lite' coconut milk as opposed to the regular stuff. I served it with white rice mixed with scallions. It wasn't the healthiest or most waist friendly dinner, but it hit the spot. I really needed something that was comfort food, and I did account for every single calorie and log it. Next time I'll serve it with brown rice or a salad, or just make a coconut milk and chicken soup and save on the carbs.. Because, honestly, most of the calories in the dish came from the rice.
That was pretty much my day.. Glad it's over and done with. On with tomorrow! Hopefully it brings good things!
Over the past few days, I've been experiencing anxiety at a level pretty much unheard of for me before..
I've always thought of myself as a really laid-back, optimistic, 'let it all roll right off my back', kind of person. You know, slow to anger, quick to forgive.. That was me. Maybe I was wrong?
Earlier today I hypothesized that maybe I've always been an anxious person.. Perhaps, I just didn't notice because I self-medicated with food. Seriously, unless I'm actively trying to follow a healthy eating plan, I'm usually either in a stage of serious hunger or recovering from one of the aptly named 'food comas' I was apparently fond of pushing myself into day after day after day. It could have dulled my senses, God knows I was feeling sluggish and 'drugged' all the time. Could that be it?
All I really know at this point is that this much anxiety absolutely cannot be healthy. I feel like I'm steps away from a massive heart attack.. Like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and every muscle in my body is tense. There's an almost heightened awareness about everything, like my body getting stuck in 'fight or flight' mode.
I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder before, and I wouldn't even have thought to go to the doctor for it, since I've only begun experiencing this frequently in the past two weeks or so. I don't think they're panic attacks because panic attacks aren't supposed to last all day, are they? I thought they were more come and go, and I've had mild ones sporadically.. This is different.
Anyway, regarding the rest of my day, you could draw a line smack dab in the middle labeling the top 'rotten' and the bottom 'sweet', and that would pretty much sum it up.
As usual, I went to bed late last night (or should I say, this morning?), around 3:30am. My husband works late, so our schedule is a little different from the average nine-to-fiver's. This morning (or should I say, afternoon?), I woke up, as usual, around half-past noon. My husband was ticked off because he always wants me to wake up early, but I just can't do it. I am not a morning person at all! Add to that the fact that I can't conceive of a reason to wake up 'early' since he generally doesn't go to work until 5pm and then all our activities are scheduled in the late afternoon and early evening.
Anyway, he woke up in a rotten mood and started sulking, went into the living room and got on his laptop. I could tell he wasn't in the mood to talk and I wasn't in the mood to look at a sour face and feel the life-sucking effects of an energy-vampire, so I just laid in bed and tried to relax, procrastinating getting up and being productive.
Pretty soon he started banging around in the kitchen, reorganizing the plates and cutlery, pots and pans.. I decided to stay out of his way and retreat to my nook and try to relax. I grabbed my breakfast, consisting of two bananas, an ounce of raw almonds, and a cup of lemon herbal tea, and I signed online.
One of my friends popped up on instant messenger and we got to chatting. She asked me if I wanted to go out and I told her, honestly, that I was too stressed to think of anything and that I would give her an answer after my husband went to work and there was finally some peace and quiet over here so I could at least attempt to relax. Long story short, she said something along the lines of, "I don't know if we can be friends anymore.." Something about me making mountains out of molehills and being stressed all the time. I just kind of snapped and responded, "okay, if that's how you feel, that's fine", and turned off the computer.
At this point, my anxiety level was almost through the roof. I didn't know whether to scream, punch something or cry. At times I really don't feel like I have anyone I can vent to. If I don't say anything, I want to explode, but if I do vent, I'm a pessimist and neurotic and any number of terrible things I would prefer not to describe myself as. The only thing I could think of to do was take a long, hot shower, which I did.. Unfortunately, it didn't help too much.
I got out of the shower, wrapped up in my towel and laid on the bed. My husband came in and said he thinks I should go to my mom's house for a few days and chill out. I almost started crying and he asked me what was wrong and I told him the whole story about what my friend said. I asked him if he thought I was a toxic personality, as I was starting to feel that way.. Like I'm just a giant black cloud because I seem to have a negative effect on people's lives. (I have to mention, I don't usually feel this way, but everything looks bleak when you're in that kind of mood.. Past, present, future.. All crap!) He was nice enough to snap out of his funk and give me some reassurance, which made me feel a little bit better. This was the turning point.
A few minutes later, he left for work and I shuffled off in my giant towel, back to the comforting confines of my nook. I called one of my other friends who had mentioned wanting to go walking around the mall, and she said she was still up for it and would pick me up in fifteen. I hurried up to get dressed, she picked me up, and off we went to the mall!
A small part of my anxiety over the last few days was stemming from the fact that the summer heat is right around the corner, and clothing-wise, I'm ill-equipped to brave it! You see, the main problem I was having is that I'm Muslim, and as such, we are required to dress in a modest fashion, which dictates that we wear concealing clothing.. High necklines, long sleeves, long bottoms and a modest fit that covers up our curves. All this, with enough space so as not to resemble a sausage squeezed into a casing.
In the United States, dressing like this can cause quite a bit of difficulty. It's bad enough in autumn and winter when most things are long, since Western fashion dictates stores to carry shirts cut right below the navel, pants cut low on the hip, and most things in figure-hugging shapes. Compared to warm-weather shopping, cool-weather shopping is a breeze.
In the summer, things that were bought in winter, such as sweater coats and heavy knit tops, become absolutely unbearable due to the heat. Going to the mall and attempting to buy 'appropriate' clothing is a nightmare. Everything is tank tops, sleeveless, shorts, mini skirts.. If you're lucky enough to find a tunic, it's either short sleeved, not long enough to cover your bum, or has a gaping neckline.. All of which would require creative layering. Layering is really NOT something I feel like doing in 95 degree heat. After many, many fruitless attempts to find acceptable clothing, I turned my attentions online.
Now, there are plenty of online boutiques catering to Muslim women. Unfortunately, these boutiques have one of four problems, or more often than not, a combination of them:
- Their products are mostly synthetic fabrics. Don't ask me why, but a lot of Muslim shops online carry synthetics. I'm a cotton kind of girl! Breathable fabrics are important to me.
- Their products are generally shoddy. Not worth the money for the inevitable disappointment.
- Their product line consists of only XS, S, M & L. No XL.. Which, of course, is what I need. Blah!!
- Their products are priced out of my monetary comfort zone. $70 for a single tunic top? Thanks but no thanks! These same places like to constantly advertise their sales. Even on 'sale' the lowest priced cotton top is $35. Most of them only drop to $55 or $65. I'm not rolling in the money and only being able to buy two or three tops all year.. and spending about $200 or more for those three tops? Only if I have absolutely no other option!! (I suppose it's better than baking in my own juices in a sweater coat - but still!)
Hopefully, now you can see my dilemma!
Anyway, not feeling very hopeful about finding anything, I went to the mall with my friend. We had a good time chatting.. I brought a banana so I wasn't ravenously hungry and tempted to breaking point with the mall food. (Cinnabon is especially evil!) We went to Starbucks and I got an unsweetened 'passion' flavor iced tea. I felt good about myself.
We walked around, browsing through stores.. Went into a few maternity shops because my friend is eight months pregnant. While in the maternity shops, I noticed something.. All the tops there were longer in order to accomodate covering a pregnant belly. I thought, 'a-ha!' and started looking through the racks. Found a few promising things..
Later on, we went into Sears. I had a gift card there with about $80 left over from Christmas. To my surprise, I found quite a few things there! Ended up buying three tops and a pair of linen trousers. One of the tops was a beach cover up tunic, two of the tops were from their maternity department.
Now, I don't know if I should feel strange for buying 'maternity' clothing when I'm not pregnant, but I see it like this.. Hey, it fits. It covers the bases. The extra room for the belly creates the extra length that I need, and a little extra space at the bottom so it's not riding snug on my bum. Voila! Success!
For anyone out there who stumbles on this blog, if you're not Muslim, it might be hard to relate.. But for me, it was a very, very happy moment! So, the day ended on a fairly positive note. :-)
After that, I came home, made a quick dinner of a coconut curry with red bell peppers, onions and chicken breast. I cut back the usual calories by not using any oil and by using 'lite' coconut milk as opposed to the regular stuff. I served it with white rice mixed with scallions. It wasn't the healthiest or most waist friendly dinner, but it hit the spot. I really needed something that was comfort food, and I did account for every single calorie and log it. Next time I'll serve it with brown rice or a salad, or just make a coconut milk and chicken soup and save on the carbs.. Because, honestly, most of the calories in the dish came from the rice.
That was pretty much my day.. Glad it's over and done with. On with tomorrow! Hopefully it brings good things!