Yay, three day weekend starting at 5 tonight!! Can't wait to blow out of this stuffy office!
I rode my exercise bike last night. It felt good to be doing something (besides feeling sorry for myself). I am no Lance Armstrong, but I did burn a few calories and that is the whole point.
You guys remember how I have struggled the last year or so with my sons graduating from High School, leaving the house and my 19 year old developing a pretty harsh attitude toward me? Well, it's been very nice the last several months. My 19 year old has apparently decided that I really am okay and that he can form his own opinions rather than spout my ex-husbands rhetoric.
A little background: My ex is an alcoholic and when he gets drunk he feels really sorry for himself and tends to blame others (especially me) for all the bad things in his life. When my son turned 18, he got him so drunk that the entire next day he spent at my house throwing up every 10 minutes or so. So then last year for Christmas his gift to my son was two fifths of whiskey. Classy, isn't it? So anyway, of course my son prefers his company to mine - I am now the boring one and my ex is the cool one because he parties all the time and hangs out with a much younger crowd. I totally understand how my son can feel that way, heck, I was 18 too when I first met my ex and I thought he was really cool back then.
It is really nice when my son voluntarily hugs me good-bye after visiting, which he has been doing just about every Sunday afternoon. When we were going through the really rough times, I always told him I wanted to give him a hug (because he wouldn't even touch me otherwise). So now when he actually initiates contact, it is such a wonderful feeling.
You see, when he was growing up, I was a single parent for several years and my two boys and I were very close so when he suddenly pulled completely away from me to the point of not wanting to touch me or talk to me (even to say hello) and told me how he couldn't wait to graduate so he could "get out of here" it ripped my heart out.
I realize that you cannot base your happiness on other peoples' actions, but it certainly makes my day when he comes to visit.
My 18 year old has decided to move back. This is fine, it's just that I was starting to get used to having the house to just the two of us, and now that dynamic will be changing. We have a deal, as long as he is going to college, room/etc. is free.
Wow, I really have rambled on, I think all this exercise is giving me energy and I can't stop typing...oh nooooooo
Hey Guess WHAT?!? (as if you hadn't already guessed by my title) - I lost two pounds. That is really exciting for me, since it is less than I was a week ago, and that is better than more right?!
So anyway, I am really trying to adopt a new attitude and set more reasonable goals rather than going all out, falling on my face and giving up.
My goal for exercise is to focus on fitness. I am not going to stress on the length of time or the intensity - I am focusing on consistency - just getting in some fitness time during my daily activities - period.
I hope all of you are experiencing some level of joy today,
"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost more than 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life...and that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan
I think the basketball guy says it well. If any of you are reading my blog you will know that I am pretty consistent mainly in my inconsistency regarding my journaling.
I have managed to gain weight over the last several months to the point where I feel that it is difficult to breathe (both figuratively and physically).
I use food to dull my senses, I am slowly smashing myself until the person that I am becomes confused with the non-person I am presenting to the world. I find it interesting that the larger I make my body, the less the world in general notices the soul that exists inside.
I think maybe I just need to state the way I feel in order to take a true look at who I am. The old rip off the bandage to let the wound heal sort of approach.
I am turning out to be a master of starting over and starting over and starting over some more!! Grrrrr, I hate it when I do that. Although, apparently I don't hate it enough though because I keep doing it.
So, here I go again:
Thanks so very much to the sweethearts that have been so supportive, it really helps to know there are people that actually care if you are doing well or not.
"Ain't No Sunshine" when you're (and by you- as in you're-, I mean my friends on this site) gone..(and by gone I mean when I don't get on and be a part of this) ...took some serious liberty on this one- sorry Bill Withers
Anyway, Hello Everyone!
Thanks so much to all the sweet people who faithfully commented to my site and encouraged me to get back on the stick.
As you can see by my chart, I seem to be substantially better at gaining weight rather than losing, BUT I am back on the road to success and ready to let the past be the past.
I have a strategy to lose 10 pounds per month - which should be possible - that way I should weigh in at approximately 140 by this time next year. What do you think? Not putting too much stress on myself this go around. I don't want to burn out again.
I will write more later, just wanted to get back on. Again, thanks so much for the beautiful words and thoughts you have given me. It truly does touch me. I know that we don't actually know each other, but we probably know each other better than some of the people that "know" us in our day to day lives.
My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them. - Bono (beautiful bono)
I have a dear friend who is playing with his band tonight over in the next town. I love his band and I really enjoy seeing him but I am a little nervous about resisting the food there...so if you guys can send me some good vibes it will be most appreciated.
When he first started playing we would go and watch as often as we could. One night when were watching, he called me up to come sing with them. I tried to ignore him, but my husband pushed me up there...
Well,,, as you all know, I am not a small person and the stage was not exactly large. Yeah, so after he and the drummer helped pull me up, I tripped over the wires and unplugged his amp connection. REAL COOL. You should have seen me trying to hide behind his 90 pound bass player. : - )
On another news front, I have actually made wise choices today. This is wonderful news and yet it terrifies me because I tend to attack/destroy myself every time I manage to find some success in my life. I am shooting to change that behavior pattern and I am so thankful for my friends on this site that encourage me in this endeavor.
I hope you all experience some degree of light-heartedness today,
"The good things you do today, will probably be forgotten by others tomorrow. Do good things anyway"
Well, well, well. So yesterday was a wonderful celebration. Many loud sparkly things on my front lawn. I also declared (to myself) that it would be my own "Independence Day" from food.
I actually did quite well with the eating even though several of my friends were at the house and one of them brought delicious shredded beef with BBQ sauce (which is one of my weaknesses). I only had a little serving and I skipped the bun so yay for me!
I have also managed to make wise choices so far today. The girls in my office had too much of a good time yesterday so therefore felt the need to make a fast food run today. I participated but I chose the yogurt/fruit parfait and the side salad with vinaigrette. It feels sort of empowering to make these choices.
I want to be able to be good to myself for a long time, baby steps.
There is a big get together going on this weekend in my hometown and I just don't feel strong enough to be a part of it. It is one of those everyone gets drunk and talks about how great their life is and let's remember High School kind of things and I just can't pull off the fake smile and pretend cool anymore.
I am such a different person than who I was in High School for crying out loud! And that is a GOOD thing. I may not look as good, but my attitude has certainly been adjusted. Not that I was a jerk, but I never realized how hard it is to deal with weight issues. This has been one intense life lesson, let me tell you.
Anyway, today I will be working on showing myself that I am worthy of love (yes, even from myself - especially from myself) and part of the way I can do that is to make healthy decisions regarding what goes in my mouth and how much I move my body.
I hope everyone out there in Blog world is enjoying a day full of success, laughter and wonder.
"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."
-- Albert Einstein
Okay, so here is the shakedown/breakdown. Just returned from dear old Doc. My cholesterol is down but the blood pressure is up. What does it all mean??? I told her I am pretty much doing the same stuff now that I was last month but she didn't have an answer, that 's probably because I am the only one who has the answers to my particular situation.
So, she recommended I step up the old excercise program. Good idea. I planned as much myself.
By the way, did I mention that I have been dealing with some ridiculously annoying stuff?? Of course we have my Mommy Dearest story, but then we had a freak hail-storm/ice-storm that destroyed the siding on the front of our house and made my little car look like it has permanent goosebumps. Poor little car. I am now best of friends with the local contractors/body shops. Not to mention I have new acquaintances in the Insurance World. Fabulous.
Anyhoo, I hope all of you have a decidely delicious day,
...Everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends...
R.E.M. courtesy of Mr. Stipe (excerpt from - you guessed it - Everybody Hurts)
So begins the Tale of Woe:
My mother got into a huge fight with my brother, who doesn't speak to her normally, but he came up for the graduation. He ended up leaving the house. She then announced to me that she had "cleared out" my house. I resisted the urge to ask if she was proud of herself. Then she tried the martyr approach "Well, I guess I will go as well" to which I replied "okay". Which was the correct response for the situation, it was just hard for me to watch her leave because even though she drives me crazy and has done some pretty awful stuff in the past, I still love her and I feel really sorry for her.
I know that my brother certainly is justified in his actions toward her, but I also know how heartbreaking it is to have someone you love completely reject you.
We did make it through graduation - that went well. Now we just need to get him into college this fall...(that will be another chapter).
Anyway, I am trying to stay up (in spirits, not weight) and move toward a healthier plane.
I want to thank the awesome, supportive people who come to my site and share their concerns and struggles. You are the best!! Love ya!!
I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend, I will write more soon,
