Alive and Kicking

It has been a very long time since my last post.  I have been busy and actually lost a few pounds.

Have My Cake and Not eat it too

SHE-RA!!  Okay, so I am not exactly warrior princess in likeness, but dang it, I am in spirit today!!

I just came back from attending a retirement party for one of my friends at an office where I used to work.  It is a friendly office and I enjoy the people, I just haven't seen some of them since I put all this weight on and I was really nervous to have them see me.  Not one of them has a weight problem in an office of 15 people and not that they would judge me, but I remember every time my boss would see a fat person he would come back and make fat jokes and I just really hope that I am not the butt of new jokes.

Rambling.  Sorry.

Anyhoo, I was in a vulnerable place and they were serving pizza AND cake and guess what??  I didn't eat ANY of it, I took a piece of cake when they were passing it around because I just didn't want to deal with everyone asking why I didn't want one - but then it just sat there and when the next person showed up, I passed it down to him.  YAY for me!!

So, lesson for today is that I didn't NEED the food to get me through a scary emotional day.  Maybe you really CAN teach an old girl new tricks!

Happiness and Health to you,

Moonflower

OOPS

Okay, so apparently I am not smart enough to figure out how to change the actual weight graph, but I DID manage to reset my starting weight so that is cool I guess.

Anyway, just needed to clarify -you guys have a beautiful day okay!!???

Moonflower : )

Holding

I am still holding at 268 which I consider a success since I haven't gained anything. 

I planted my garden last night.  It was so satisfying - it was also a LOT of work - so I didn't worry about trying to get in a workout!

I also popped some little pretties (pansies, daisies, petunias, etc) in my flower bed that my husband just finished for me.  They are so cute - it's somehow very comforting to water and care for them then see them flourish.

I have been really looking in the mirror lately and it is so surprising to see the mass of flesh that I have become (I know it shouldn't be surprising - I mean I have been there for the whole weight gain thing) it was just really shocking to see the size.  I guess I was in denial and didn't want to admit just how much my poor body was stretching and hurting.  Right now, I just want to take care of the girl I see hidden in the mirror and bring her out into the open - let her shine and flourish like my little flowers.

Oh yeah, in case anyone actually cares - I took the very sound advice of my friend Bloodshot Betty and reset my weight tracker from this day forward. It IS a new start and I would like to thank her for the suggestion.  You rock Miss Betty!!

Alright, so back to it.

I will see you all later!

GUESS WHAT?

Yes, you guessed it.  I am really putting my heart into my health.  If you notice the weight chart, you will see that I have actually lost a good chunk of lard recently.

I realize that I am still heavier than when I started this blog a year ago - WOW, it really has been that long - but that is okay, because I am looking to the future and trying not to live in the past.

My brother in California flew me down for a visit last month and while I had a fabulous time, I was very conscious of my size - especially in the airplane when I had a lady sitting right next to me and I tried to squish into myself the entire flight so I wouldn't crowd her too much and I still filled the seat to overflowing and then I was barely able to click the seatbelt.  I was so terrified of having to ask the attendant for an extension. 

Then, we were sitting on the beach which happened to be right next to a nude beach.  There were all these people just soaking up the sun and waves and totally comfortable in their lack of clothing.   Not that I will EVER feel comfortable myself in that particular situation, but I would like to feel like I had a choice in the matter.  At this point, the fat prevents me from jumping in to that arena.  I would like to choose not to participate because I just don't want to as opposed to because I am too fat.

Then just yesterday my brother in Manhattan called to invite me out for a summer party he is hosting and I wanted to throw up because A. I was really excited to go B. I didn't know if I could fit into the airplane seats (reference above paragraph) C. I was embarrassed to have my brother want to introduce me to all of his friends (who of course, are all into running, fashion, etc - I probably weigh as much as three of them put together) when I look like Shamu.

Fortunately? The flights we were looking at couldn't get me back until Tuesday which would be more vacation time than I could expend.  I know, cop out - I probably could have pushed for it,  but it still inspired me to knock it off with my poor eating and activity habits and get back in the ring. 

I will be ready next time he calls to just drop everything and go party feeling confident in my smaller, stronger body.  Look out New York, here I come!

Okay guys, enough rambling for now.  I will check in later,

Big Encouraging Hug,

Moonflower

Fairy Godmothers

I wish they really existed...or if they do, that mine would show up.

I am so angry with myself - I hate to even put this on here because I am so embarrassed by my actions.  I did it again.  I started to lose so I went on an eating binge.  I haven't updated my weight yet because I haven't had the heart to get on the scales.

I know that this is only so much more whining, but I am getting so irritated with this rut/cycle - start to succeed; so quickly maneuver to sabotage mode.

They say admitting is the first step, so I am admitting that I am a saboteur of the worst kind -I attack someone when they are most vulnerable and when I should be building them up rather than tearing down the work already completed. 

I apologize for coming from such a heavy (no pun intended) angle today.  It is my ugly truth for what that is worth..

Talk to you later,

Moonflower

Going Down?

Background music here would be Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator - okay, I KNOW what it's about, it just struck me as funny today for some reason. Only because my weight IS actually starting to go down!!  Yay. 

I am feeling almost hopeful that perhaps things will be okay now.  I have been making pretty healthy food choices for three days as of today and have a goal to start exercising. 

I hope to find the strength to focus on my health rather than distracting myself with every other person's "needs" in my life.  This is a new chapter for me and I really want to move in a new direction even if my comfort zone is to continue trudging this rut.

Anyway, thanks for letting me ruminate.

Talk to you soon,

Moonflower

I will be strong

"You haven't changed a bit"...  phony friend at my 10 year reunion

So the big 20 year is coming up...  I am not trying to shape up for JUST that moment in time, but it does weigh in the back of my mind...

Today is day two of my good eating choices regime.  I am shooting for between 1200 and 1500 calories per day and of course I will be REGULARLY exercising starting Monday - I might even get inspired and actually do something BEFORE then.

Anyhoo, gotta go.  I hope you are all well,

Hugs,

Moonflower

It's not over til it's over

It's a beautiful day...

I made a date with one of my old high school buddies to start walking together starting Monday.

She is a dear person who is an encourager/nurturer type and doesn't judge me for what I look like.

I am excited and very nervous about this because in self-reflection I am coming to the conclusion that maybe I am someone who doesn't exactly like to commit.  I am usually pretty good about honoring a committment once it happens (through my choosing not to choose) I just seem to really hedge about things, especially things that could potentially enhance my life.

Anyway, I went to the Doc and she found a lump in my left breast and I am scheduled for a mammo on the 29th.  I know that it is most likely benign it just sort of slapped me in the face that this life is for real, I am not getting any younger (rats) and I really need to do something positive instead of just coasting along.

So, I really hope you are having a great day and meeting some of your goals!

Peace to you,

Moonflower

Details

I drove by an older lady yesterday.  She had the matching skirt and jacket along with sensible heels look.  Not to mention the classic black handbag.  The thing that struck me was that she had her head completely down focused on the sidewalk.  I did a double take because it made me think about how I want to face the world. 

She could easily be me in a few years (okay decades, but still). 

I am the "jolly" fat chick that dresses really well right now, but is that who I really want to be?  No.

I can usually bluff my way in a crowd if needed, but mostly I don't like to make eye contact because I don't want anyone to focus on my hideous appearance. 

So anyway, I am still making healthy choices most of the time and feeling better.  It's weird how that happens; move from instant gratification choices - fast food, etc.  to healthy and your overall condition improves.  Go figure. 

I have even been playing my piano most evenings again.  It has been a very long time - I am hoping to pick up my guitar again too, but I am not going to push too hard and stress out about it.

So far, so good.

I hope all of you are doing well.

Good things to you,

Moonflower : )