For some reason, I just feel like I can't get a grip on everything at once. I am eating well but not exercising which is ironic because in the last three months, I have been doing the exact opposite. I just need to get back on the exercise wagon because whenever I do, I remember how much I love to do it. I've just been sooo busy that I hardly feel like I have any time to breathe, let alone sleep. Tonight is the first night in what seems like a long time that I don't have anything I really have to do. Naturally, I promised myself that I would get to the gym but this other part of me really wants to just veg out at home, watch American Idol (one of my guilty pleasures), finish the book I am reading and go to sleep really early. Oh crap, I think I just talked myself into it....;)
Still having a strange time with the BF and don't know what is around the next corner. I don't know exactly when I got so attached to the guy but I did. I miss him so much when we don't fall asleep together. But , the more these talks go on between us, the more I think that I will want to let go. Interestingly enough, I've been hit on this past week more than I have been in a while. It was flattering, confusing and eye-opening...all at the same time.
I STILL haven't gotten to my meeting this week after weighing-in but skipping out on the actual meeting last week. Damn, I am slacking! Anyway, I want to go tomorrow but I realize that I have a lot of anxiety about the WI now. I really think I have lost due to my food behavior but am scared. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and go though.
Well, I think I got the eating thing under control but my exercise has been really slacking. I know I just need to force myself but I can't seem to catch up on my rest.
I didn't go to my regular meeting this morning as I haven't been able to pull myself out of bed for the last few days. I plan on trying to attend tomorrow morning or Wed.
Had an interesting weekend. It's left me with a lot of things to decipher regarding my relationship. I don't want to go into details right now but it was more good than bad....
So I didn't end up having a salad last night at the restaurant on break but I still ate healthy. I had boneless/skinless chicken breast with teriyaki sauce and steamed brocolli. In hindsite, I think everything was core except for the teriyaki sauce as I would assume that has sugar in it.
Today is going fairly well. I feel like I have so many errands to catch up on because my schedule got so thrown off this week. I don't think I will be able to get to the gym because I have to go grocery shopping, to Rite Aid AND find a 1920's outfit for an award's ceremony I am attending on Monday night. It's going to be hard to fit that all in. But I am going to stop whining now....
So far today's menu has consisted of:
Breakfast-steel cut oats with fresh apple and cinnamon, sweetened with stevia and topped with 1% milk.
2 cups of black tea sweetened with stevia
Lunch: haven't had that yet but will need to do something quick....
I'm thinking scrambled southwest egg beaters with soy sausage patties and cottage cheese with unsweetened pineapple chunks (my new fave snack)
Dinner: some kind of boneless breast of chicken with a steamed veggie or a salad
Exercise: none but I will be busting my ass around the restaurant for 10 hours. Yick...
Today has gone relatively well. I am finally free from jury duty but just have to get through this last long day with my regular job tacked on to it. Got in a two hour nap when I got home this afternoon so that helped. My exercise routine has been really thrown off though. Tomorrow I absolutely HAVE to get to the gym.
Food Log:
BF-grande non-fat latte, apple, pear
snack-lowfat cottage cheese w/pineapple
lunch-burritto w/brown rice, black beans, chicken breast, salsa and non-fat sour cream (I had NO idea how good nf sour cream is!)
snack-zen bakery apple cran fiber cake
dinner-I was hoping to eat before I head over to the restaurant but I am just not hungry. I will have a salad with olive oil and vinegar dressing. and maybe a banana for dessert.
Exercise-none
Notes-I'm really excited about Core. I need to conquer this sugar addiciton. From what I hear from the boards on the ww page, core is a good way to snuff this out.
tomorrow I will start my 20 day countdown until my trip to the bay. I want to do my best to look and feel my best as everyone knows I've been working out and doing WW.
Goals:
Exercise:
5-6 days of exercise a week, 2-3 days of Firming, 1 day of intense Weight training, 5 days including cardio
Food:
study 8GHG's and follow Core as strictly as possible. Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Plan meals and snacks. Be aware of portions.
Mind:
Continue blogging and keeping up with Emotional Eating course.
It's been an interesting couple of days....My schedule has been totally thrown off by the fact that I have been at the Criminal Court Building downtown since Monday. I was picked as an alternate juror after two and a half long-ass days. I went into the whole thing desperately trying to find a way out and now am actually sucked into the whole thing more than I ever would have expected. I know I sound like a cheeseball when I say this but it really is an honor to be a juror. Someone's fate is in your hands. A crazy concept really. Even though as an alternate I really don't get to decide crap, I'm wittnessing the "power of the people" more than ever before. Kind of cool.
In other realms, N and I are back into our own sort of deliberations. After we officially "called it off" in September, we'e drifted in and out of different states. I would say that there has certainly been a trend toward growth between us and that I was happier than ever about how things were going until just this week. We had set a somewhat vague agreement a while back about being involved with other people but considering the way we've both been acting for the past few months, I sort of assumed we were back together completely. He brought up the subject on Tuesday and I realize that we weren't totally on the same page. Now, this is where things get a little hard to explain. Both of us being quite liberal, we had kind of left things open so to speak. But as time went on and how we both were totally satisfied with each other without seeking something "outside", I just figured that we were moving back to how things were as far as monogamy and a committment were concerned. Although he says that he hasn't been involved in any way with anyone (and I completely believe him) he did express that he wants to still have the freedom to know that if "something just happens" that he won't be violating our agreement. I was caught a bit off guard. It hurt. And now, there is the issue on the table of what we both want and how to make a compromise, if we can make a compromise. Honestly, before I was okay with this. It made sense to me and I enjoyed my freedom but now it feels like we are on two different levels. We have an amazing communication and are totally honest with each other (perhaps TOO honest) but for whatever reason, I feel very sad about the idea of us being open to others. I honestly think that I would rather be totally broken up than deal with that. It's been a challenge with my eating as I see more clearly than ever that I use food to comfort me in times of anger and sadness. I see that my self-esteem is quite low at present and also am trying to filter through my pride. I mean, in many ways and at many points in my life I really would like to have an arrangement like this. However, whether it is age or the knowledge that I finally thought I was in something that worked well, I had no real desire to explore other options. Perhaps I just got too comfortable. I don't know....
I also switched to another eating plan through WW. I started Core this week although I have been very VERY bad. Splurging too much and not keeping up with my exercise routine. I am skipping my WI on Monday because I don't think I could face 3 gains in a row. The good news is that I think Core is actually a much better plan for me. I love the food and it takes a lot of my neurotic tendencies out of the mix. Counting points was starting to drive me insane. I may switch back at some time but I think Core is definitely a good venture for at least a while.
I've got about 20 days until my trip up to the bay area to visit family and friends. I really need to get it together.
So I was so "up" these last couple of days and now I am feeling down. It likely has something to do with the fact that it is finally hitting me that my boyfriend will likely be moving out of LA in the fall. It' s funny, in the beginning I didn't think this would last longer than a fling and now I can't imagine being without him. I mean, I know that fate will take us where we need to go and that this is okay (I'll survive) but it is still making me sad. I've also felt really rundown and I can't quite put my finger on why.
I'm usually amped to exercise but today was a long day and I just don't feel like it....:(
For those of you who aren't WW acronym saavy, "NSV" stands for "non-scale victory". SO with that out of the way, I HAD ONE!
Basically, I got really peturbed and frustrated last night for a stupid reason and really wanted to binge. However, for the first time I was able to actually BELIEVE myself when I told myself that food wouldn't make it better. In the past, I always felt like a parent telling a kid that they didn't want ice cream when the kid just nods but is really thinking, "what are you talking about?! Of course I want ice cream?!". So even if I didn't go to food for comfort, I still really wanted to. What made last night different? I'm not all that sure. But I think that all this drilling into my head about the truth of emotional eating is finally getting to me.
week 8 of WW is coming to a close as is one full month of using the Transfirmer exercise system in addition to the full routine that I have been using since the beginning of my WW journey. The most obvious changes I have seen thus far are as follows:
increased energy, more color in face, dark circles under eyes are gone, better posture, more satisfying sleep, less desire for caffeine, less desire for fried foods, inches lost, pounds lost, VO2 score (measure of cardiovascular fitness) up 14 points when tested 2 weeks ago (went from "fair" to "very good" and 2 points away from "elite").
This is a great list of changes but somehow I still feel frustrated. I was looking at the before pictures I took of me in my bathing suit and comparing them to what my body looks like now. I know that two months isn't that long in the scheme of things but even though I've lost inches, I feel like I can't tell a difference at all. My clothes aren't fitting better yet. Aargh.
I kind of neglected this blog until this week but now that I am focused on it I figure I should elaborate on why I am calling this "Personal Revolution". Basically, I am a year and a half away from being 30. For some reason, in the back of my head, I think that 30 is going to be one of the peak times of my life. I mean 30 is the new 20! ;)
Anyway, things are rolling along here with the beginnings of my career as a voiceover artist and I figure that there is no reason why I shouldn't also be hotter than ever. Ha. Sorry, but I know that sounds really conceited. Let's call it "empowered" rather, shall we? Seriously though, 30 is a time to know who you are as a woman and to be strong and beautiful in a way that is less naive and therefore more stunning. I've always looked more "childlike" than my peers because I am so short but I have potential inside me that I haven't reached out for---until now. In the next year and a half I am going to get in the best shape of my life so that on my 30th birthday, I can know that I am entering an era of my life like no other and be armed with strength both physically and mentally. So there you go...
Facets of the plan go something like this:
exercise-I've been consistently working out 5-6 days a week. Three to 4 days include strength training and somehow I work in an extra 4.5 hours of cardio.
food-Been following the WW points system and trying to eat as "clean" as possible. Trying to eliminate processed carbs and eating for energy as opposed to comfort.
mind-reading a ton of stuff on the phsychology of being overweight as I know I have emotional eating issues. Working on my body image and taking an online course through masteringfood.com
So these are the very basic elements to this plan. I know that if I don't give myself the option to fail that there is no other pathway but success. I realize that mistakes are part of the journey and that the key to weight loss is persistence. I deserve to be healthy and strong and I will get there. *dives in*
