Ugly

Well, I think that the sadness from Naumy leaving in a month is really starting to catch up to me because I have eaten worse in the last two days than I have for a while. It is like the more sad I get, the more I want to eat terrible food and especially sweets! It upsets me because I will know in my conscious mind that what I am doing is useless and that food cannot take away any kind of pain but I go ahead with it anyway. Stupid. It's also set off kind of a crazy part in my brain that almost hallucinates that I hear people saying things about my appearance in a negative way. Jeez, you would think I would get that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME, RIGHT?!

Regardless, I know what to do but I'm not doing it. :(

A somewhat new friend of mine who happens to be a personal trainer at my gym gave me a free session on Tuesday and is giving me another tonight. We talked a lot about what I have been doing these last 4 or 5 months regarding fitness and weight loss and it was cool how he pegged that I am about 10 pounds from my personal goal. He even said, "you know, you are probably at your bodies most happy weight right now. Most women tend to want to be 10 pounds below what their body likes". I thought that was interesting. But I still feel like I have extra flab that really shouldn't be there. I also realized that even though it's taken a lot of work, losing these first 10-12 pounds hasn't been ridiculously hard. Now getting these last 10-12 off is much more challenging. I have to work through the fact that I feel much less of a sense of urgency and need to be much more disciplined about my food intake. I really have to make the serious changes now because my body is resisting me. But another part of me is sick of it, wants to not have to worry or devote time/energy to losing weight. As a strong and intelligent woman shouldn't I devote my brain power to things other than my appearance? Let me answer my own question now....Getting my health in check is only going to empower me in all aspects of my life. Squashing my insecurities regarding my body image will enable me to devote unparalelled power/energy to my other goals. Right? RIGHT?!?!

So I have to trudge along and remember that food is not love or comfort or nurturing or power. Health, vitality and self-confidence is more important.

*sigh*

RIGHT!

Well, first of all, you don't need to lose ten more lbs.  You might have more personal goals for weight loss, but 112 is TINY - and I am the same height as you!  I agree with your friend that most women want to be 10 lbs lighter than they need to be. 

But conquering your body image issues - that's most important!  Especially if you're doing a nekked scene onstage.  Whoa girl, go you!

I can't wait to see you on Sat.  I have to admit, I'm happy that Neandy is coming.  YOu can meet him and laugh at me for how dorky he is.

getting real

Something struck me about what you said about devoting all this time and energy to losing weight. I feel the same, but I have so far to go. If I was at a healthy weight like you, I would just focus on making permanent attitude changes toward food and exercise. Don't think about it as "losing weight", just adopt a healthy lifestyle, and everything else will follow. That way there's no "extra" time or energy expended--it's just part of your normal life. Does that make sense? I know that's easier said than done.

I've been stalled on my weight loss for almost six weeks, but I'm not going to change the way I'm eating or exercising because there are so many benefits other than just weight loss and getting rid of some jigglyfat. I just want to be as healthy as I can, no matter what the scale says.

I think you look great and are way too hard on yourself. Eating sweets to make yourself feel better over the emotional pain you're feeling is normal, but knowing that doesn't help you to stop, does it. Just keep going with that trainer!

what happened to...

... "I'm going to start blogging again"?

Heehee, just teasing.  Are you still reading the BI book?  I hope so, especially since your daring play is going to open soon.  I'm trying to work out when to come, but I'm super excited!

Serena