Well, it certainly has been a long time since I have written. I actually couldn't believe it when I saw that my last post dated back to June. I definitely fell off the wagon here....That goes for pretty much all things-I'm a bit of a mess. I don't have rent, I haven't been watching what I eat or excercising and my computer and car both just died. I feel like being dramatic when I say, "my life is spiraling out of control". I guess the good news is that I know that I have no other option at this point. I mean, I am persuing what I want and even if I could have the stable job/stable income thing I wouldn't want it. This is definitely the downside of the choice I have made though. Not having money for the basics really wears on a person. But things should lighten up in a few weeks. Once the rehearsal process for the play I am in is over (THIS FRIDAY!), I should be able to balance my finances again and get back into my usual, more healthy routine.
But there have been so many changes...Naumy is up in SF now and so far I think I have been fine. Once the initial body shock wore off, I was too busy to even think about anything other than what I needed to get done next. I have been quite productive but also feel like I don't get a chance to breathe.
Regarding health, I know that exercise would do me wonders right now but have been terrible about the gym. I honestly don't know when the last time I went was. I think it was about a month ago and even then I was being very sporadic. It's strange how we slip out of the routines that serve us best. The kind of good news is that I have managed to not really gain any weight. I have been staying steady at about 123 even though I feel like I should be in the teens by now-I don't eat all that much and I am going till the late hours of the night. I truly think my body is really comfy at this stage. (note to self: write about the body consciousness you have experienced with this play). I feel out of touch with my sense of health as I have to go to all means necessary to stay awake and alert through this grueling schedule. I also started a new class at the community college. Been fine so far but this is only the first week.
Allrighty, I'm gonna try and turn in or something.
Well, I think that the sadness from Naumy leaving in a month is really starting to catch up to me because I have eaten worse in the last two days than I have for a while. It is like the more sad I get, the more I want to eat terrible food and especially sweets! It upsets me because I will know in my conscious mind that what I am doing is useless and that food cannot take away any kind of pain but I go ahead with it anyway. Stupid. It's also set off kind of a crazy part in my brain that almost hallucinates that I hear people saying things about my appearance in a negative way. Jeez, you would think I would get that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME, RIGHT?!
Regardless, I know what to do but I'm not doing it. :(
A somewhat new friend of mine who happens to be a personal trainer at my gym gave me a free session on Tuesday and is giving me another tonight. We talked a lot about what I have been doing these last 4 or 5 months regarding fitness and weight loss and it was cool how he pegged that I am about 10 pounds from my personal goal. He even said, "you know, you are probably at your bodies most happy weight right now. Most women tend to want to be 10 pounds below what their body likes". I thought that was interesting. But I still feel like I have extra flab that really shouldn't be there. I also realized that even though it's taken a lot of work, losing these first 10-12 pounds hasn't been ridiculously hard. Now getting these last 10-12 off is much more challenging. I have to work through the fact that I feel much less of a sense of urgency and need to be much more disciplined about my food intake. I really have to make the serious changes now because my body is resisting me. But another part of me is sick of it, wants to not have to worry or devote time/energy to losing weight. As a strong and intelligent woman shouldn't I devote my brain power to things other than my appearance? Let me answer my own question now....Getting my health in check is only going to empower me in all aspects of my life. Squashing my insecurities regarding my body image will enable me to devote unparalelled power/energy to my other goals. Right? RIGHT?!?!
So I have to trudge along and remember that food is not love or comfort or nurturing or power. Health, vitality and self-confidence is more important.
Well, so far I haven't been doing very well with this. It is my own fault obviously. I think the fact that I am in a much more comfortable zone for myself has made my motivation wane a little. However, I know that I am not quite where I want to be. I had a great afternoon with one of my good friends here and we talked about some personal realizations we had both had. I realize that even though Core is all about listening to your body, at this point, it is not unreasonable to think that the body can lie to you. At present, I feel like my body tells me it is hungry when it really isn't. I devised a plan to do a quick breathing exercise and wait a few minutes to "test" my hunger when it seems I shouldn't be hungry just yet. Now I just have to DO IT.
I'm happy to say that I did get more or less back on track exercise wise this week. I am going to be at the restaurant all day today 11:30a-10p so I scratched my plan to run to the farmer's market.
So as for the bikini challenge, I think my weight is actually UP (ugh) as the scale said 123 this morning, but I do feel good. The way my weight fluctuates, I could get to 120 easily by next thursday which is the end of my phase 1. So I vow to stick to plan and take my measurements and new photo then.
Hope everyone else is well! And doing better than I am!
Body:exercise at least 4 days this week with two strength training sessions and 4 days of cardio. Run on Sunday to farmer's market.
Food:stop when full and be conscious of what I am eating-keep it in my head that I am trying to lose weight!
personal: well, I finally got my VO demos out so now I need to read those books so I can figure out where to send them for work. Finish book club book.
so I fell off the wagon HARD this last week and a half. Luckily, I haven't really gained a ton of weight. I'm sort of stuck in this new plateau area of 121-124. Gotta bust through it. Anyway, I was PMSing hard-core for a long time it seemed and finally got my period. Oh my, I was starving constantly, in a bad mood and sooo tired. I am somewhat convinced that my period was brought on by the hamburger I ate the night before. Like my body was waiting for some red meat in a major way. Strange. Anyway, I did go running twice but otherwise through my exercise routine out the window too. Ugh.
Was supposed to get back on track yesterday but instead went out drinking with a work friend and was wasted by 6pm. Yikes! I guess I needed a little break. Because I feel good today and am going to the gym tonight and am determined to get on track. I feel lighter already as the bloating has subsided. Thank goodness!
mother f'er...I just pushed a button on my keyboard and erased the blog I was working on. RRRR. Oh well.
Anyway, I was writing about how this week hasn't gone quite as planned but that I am okay with it. There are ups and down to this journey as with all journies I guess. I realize I have to be better at planning ahead because I have been so busy and things are only going to get more busy in the coming months once play rehearsals start.
One of the only exercise sessions I completed this week was an impromptu beach run with a co-worker friend of mine who has lost 70 pounds in the last year. He looks great. We talked about the importance of visualizing your goals. I realize that I haven't been doing a good job of that and even though I went through some old photo albums, don't have any pictures of me at a weight I was really happy at so I have been having a hard time visualizing myself at goal weight. There are so many images pumped in my head of media figures who don't have bodies like mine at all. It makes me scamble for images of women who have similar builds. The only person who sort of comes to mind for me is Christina Milian although I could be way off. I know that I will never be "super skinny" like Keira Knightly or Audrey Tatou but I could get ripped Janet Jackson style perhaps. Regardless, I really need to work on having a mental picture in my head that I can work towards. Although my waist and hip measurements are small, pictures I see of myself still look big. Maybe it's all in the photo angles but shit, cameras don't lie right? Or perhaps this living in LA thing has really screwed with my head too much. Who knows. I am sorting it all out these days.
Between lack of sleep, a ton of work and general imbalance I have exhausted myself and even though I told a friend to call me after his music gig tonight ( a potential booty call that I know probably isn't in my best interest anyway) I have turned off my phone and after this blog is done I plan on turning in and getting up early tomorrow.
In better news, I got a nice compliment today from another co-worker that brightened up my dark cloud of low-self esteem this week. He asked me if I was married. When I said no, he asked if I had a boyfriend. After my answer of, "well no but it's kind of stupid and complicated" I asked him why he wanted to know. "You just seem like the type of girl that would be a perfect girlfriend" he said. "It's a surprise to me that someone hasn't snatched you up for good". That was sweet and will be filed away for future reference. ;)
Okay, so I got a new bathing suit yesterday for this challenge. I also bought some awesome new running shoes and a pair of kid's Keen sandals. I guess that is the one benefit of having small feet-cheaper shoes!
I'm amped to start this bikini challenge but need to tweak it a little for myself. I've been feeling bloated as all hell and the scale this morning said 125.2. Ugh. I can really feel it in my stomach and face. Anyway, here are the goals I am outlining. I want to do this in phases like Serena but think I am going to make my phases 3 weeks long. For some reason I feel like I can committ to good behaivor for 3 weeks (not too long, not too short) easier than another time frame. I also don't know if I will post pics every week or at the end of every 3 week phase. Kind of feeling it out. Thoughts are welcome.
So here are my stats at the start:
Waist-26
Hips-34.5
Bust-34.5
Thigh-22 (Ay yi yi!)
Upper Arm-11.2
I have serious disdain for my thighs and arms. :( Anyway, the goal weight wise is to get to my first 10% (120.6) by the end of this three week phase 1. End date will be June 22nd.
Food goals: avoid sugar and processed food as much as possible. Don't drink too much and try to keep it to light beer. Stay on plan and plan my meals out better.
Gym goals-stay on current regimen but listen to my body (ie. if I am too tired all the time reduce cardio to 40 minutes instead of 60-90). Get in abs and arms.
Personal-make time for my exercise and to eat right.
I am getting really overwhelmed with the new responsibilities I have taken on at work and at the theater and we just had someone pull out of our show at the last minute (we open next Friday!). Things are hectic and I am not getting enough sleep. I need to remember to make myself a priority!
Okay, let's see if I can get these pics up. BTW, I think I can say that this is one of the worst pics I have seen of myself in a long time. I guess an ugly "before" shot only makes the "after"s that much better!
Anyway, last week was a hard week. I got most of my exericise in but had a really hard time with the eating. Ending up pigging out most of the weekend and still feel inclined to. I know that it makes me really unhappy when I do that though and am struggling to hang onto the knowledge that my new mantra states: "I am only one workout away from a good mood".
I also have to remember that sugar and cookies and all that junk only make me feel bloated and ugly.
I'm going to do this Bikini Body Challenge with Serena and friends. I'm gonna wait a day or two to take my pics but I think it will be great to do together.
Just bought some awesome new workout shoes--The Asics Gel Kayanos. They feel like friggin' buttah. Summer is inspiring but also nerve wracking as I face my body issues...
It's nice to say that I met most of my goals last week. :) yay!
I met and exceeded my gym goals and also met my food goals. I accomplished two of the three things on my personal goal list but STILL haven't gotten around to emailing my VO demo. I think I'm just scared...One of the things my MF classes has brought up was the idea of not making my self feel guilty about things that I really shouldn't. I was supposed to go to a friend's play last night which cost $30 a ticket. I really can't afford that but I wanted to support him. After that, I was going to rush over to a going away party at a nearby bar. Even though they were fun activities, I really just wanted to hang out with N and be lazy (something I rarely get to do). SO I did. AND, decided not to feel guilty about it. I'm a good friend in other ways, I could drop the ball this time. And the world didn't collapse, amazing isn't it? ;)
SO here are my goals for this week:
GYM-keep up with the bikini body regimen (3 days of weight and core work) 6 days of cardio for an hour.
FOOD-do not exceed 35 points of WPA. Keep drinking to a minimum. Eat until satisfied NOT stuffed! Plan out snacks better.
MIND-get that demo out there! Practice piano at least 1 day! Work on monologue for workshop. Breathing exercise every day-8 repetitions.
So I was thinking about buying a new scale today and posted something on the boards regarding finding an accurate digital scale. A woman posted that she loves her Tanita scale which is the one I have. Mine has body fat testing on it that I know is wrong but she suggested I test the weight aspect by weighing something I know the weight of. Ready for the experiment and kind of feeling stupid I didn't think of such a simple test, I put one of my five pound dumbells on the darn thing and it was right on. The GREAT but somehow perplexing news is that apparently my weight is a bit lower than what I have been estimating. I have been hovering at 123 for a while now but always tack on a few pounds because whenever I go to meetings or the doctor, the weight is always a few pounds heavier. Can my clothes really weigh that much? I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning sans clothing....Well anyway, I am going to start using that weight as my actual weight. Pretty cool but I still feel iffy about trusting it.
