My life is a happy one now.

So today is Sunday and I haven't done a thing all day. I love Sundays! I am still in my jammies, I have been trying to sit in the kitchen and catch up on some blog reading but my little dog Mulder is being a HUGE pain the in the ass today. LOL

He's cried, barked, and whined for the last 30 minutes until I brought my laptop in here and sat next to him on the couch. He's completely fine now- I guess he just wanted me to babysit him. He's the reason I ended up losing 2 blog postings the other day. He is so cute, that's the only thing that has saved him thus far.

I have been thinking about how I am different now, compared to when I weighed 236 pounds.

Then- Size 20 jeans I could not breath in. Now- Size 8-10 depending on the brand, they fit comfortably. Then- Not leaving the house for almost 2 years- having anxiety and crying fits when I did have to leave. Now- I look for a reason to go somewhere most days of the week. Then- Avoiding almost ALL family members other than my husband and son.   Now- Taking partial care of 3 family members other than my husband & son. Then- Avoiding certain parts of town /stores because I may run into somebody who knew me when I was skinny. Now- Not bothered one bit about anyone seeing me who may have known me back in the day. Then- Hiding from cameras like it was the black plague. Now- Taking pics of myself because no one is here to see how great my hair or makeup is looking at the moment.        Then- Eating out of control and then crying about it , and then doing it again, and crying even more, and yes, eating even more.  Now- Controlling my eating and choosing healthy versions of old favorites. No longer binging or crying about binging. Then- Having no self esteem.  Now- Feeling great about who I am and what kind of person I am. Then- Walking around frustrated and usually in a bad mood 95% of the time.  Now- Walking around smiling for no "apparent" reason 98% of the time.  Then- Not going to hubbys work parties/ functions because I thought I was so hideous that ALL his friends and coworkers would talk about him behind his back and feel sorry for him for having such an ugly, fat wife.  Now- We are going to his Christmas party this year. He doesn't know...... Yet. ((He never went to the first party/function b/c I wouldn't go)) Then- Constantly worrying everyone was disgusted by me.  Now- Not constantly worry about making people sick b/c of my physical apperance. Then- Feeling ashamed just because of the way I looked to the rest of the world.  Now- Not giving a shit what anyone thinks of me, I like the person I have always been on the inside.

I could keep going. The list could keep going for pages and pages. The main reason of this post is I haven't really thought about how losing so much weight has really affected me and my mood in general, until I sat down and really thought about it. Because now when I wake up the first thing I do is go tinkle, strip, and weigh. I record my weight on my wall calendar and my PDA. Then I go on about my day- I'm not obsessing over things that use to take up so much of my time and life on a daily basis, I'm no longer miserable. I'm happy now, I'm at peace with myself for the first time in over 14 years. It's so wonderful to not hide and not feel ashamed of myself.  My life is a happy one now.  

I'm not at goal yet, but it is around the corner, and I'm gonna make it this time.

* Few people during their lifetime, come anywhere near exhausting the resources within them. There are deep wells of strength in us all that are never used" -

I hope you all have a great Sunday and that you chose to lead the best life you could lead today!

Rock on!

~Tink~

Thanks...

Tink, I just wanted to take a second to thank you for your comment on my blog. I read your latest blog and it seems that you and I have something in common... top weight of 236! How long did it take you to loss the 80? Did you have any stumbling blocks along the way (i.e. back sliding like I did)? Any advise you could give me would be appreciated! ~Aly

Wow!

Well Done! You said it! Sometimes we don't know how hard we have worked or how far we have really come along this journey and in life. By you posting this it opened my eyes and literally let me see something I think we bypass so much. I remember when I was 233 pounds and compared to now brings such happiness to my heart. I looked at how much healthier and how different I am as a person and it just amazes me. It was though we were living in this huge hole and as much as we wanted to get out we didn't until the time was right. Thank you so much for posting this! It just let me know that I have come far and that you have come just as far and even more! You are growing daily and I can see it. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. :)

Love the title

It's nice when you hit that moment in time where everything is working ok and all is well.  Thanks for the positive comments on my blog - just when I needed it most!  It's been a tough few weeks and probably a tough few more to go yet, but this too shall pass and although we all know when people get at us that they're not worth it, sometimes it's easy to get lost in it all.  I was reading your bit about changes and I think many on this site can relate to the pre-weight loss things.  It makes me sad that so many people out there are made to feel so horrible about themselves that just going outside the door into the world is such hard work and stress.  Why should weight be so linked to our self esteem and why is it mostly a female issue?  I know so many guys who are repulsive looking and yet have no problem walking up to a supermodel type in the bar and chatting her up!  How do we get that confidence?  Or when did we lose it?  Anyway, I'm rambling.  I'm trying to get on track this week - exercise has mainly been suffering so need to address it.  I lost 40lbs last year and really would like to lose another 40 this year so better get on it!  Thanks Tink - stay happy cause sometimes we all need to tap into a bit of it!

Hey Tink You Are The Same Person.........

Now as you were then but as we all know to well  without being told that society has made us believe that beauty is on the outside not from within so therefore we feel we need to look good on the outside to please ourselves even! You are right by saying you like the person you are now & that you liked who you were then. You are the same person an absolutely beautiful woman who like myself & countless others have fallen pray to the way this world views us when we are being fat as being ugly  & unwanted ! You can bet your husband is proud of the steps you have taken for the sake of your health but you can bet he always thought you were beautiful because you have always been beautiful !

                                                     ~Ada~

Parallel...

I totally could've written a lot of that, especially about avoiding people b/c of my weight. I just feel so ashamed so much of the time. My college best friend's wedding is coming up, and I had to try on my bridesmaids dress a month ago...it was miserable squeezing into larger and larger sizes. They asked what size jeans I normally wear, and I told them size 12, but I ended up having to buy a size 16 dress! (partially b/c of my DD boobs, but it still sucked royally). It was just wretched, imagining all those people at the wedding that I used to know staring at me, thinking "Look at her, she's so fat, she really let herself go," etc.
I appreciated your post b/c it reminded me that someday I'll "walk around with a smile 98%" of the time and I won't worry about those things anymore. I don't know why I let it bother me so much.

Way to go!

You've done so well!  I also wanted to let you know that I stayed in my jammies most of yesterday too!  Great job on the weight loss!

Love the comparisons

Then vs now!!  No looking back though, man you have done awesome!!  Keep up the great work!!