It does not matter how deep you fall; what matters is how high you bounce back--

assuming you bounce back, that is.

I don't have anything to do right now. Well, I guess that's not exactly true. I have tons of preparing for finals to do; my first final is tomorrow and I cannot focus on finals right now. I also have an essay due. Merde.

All I want to do is eat. There was a Strawberryfest at the university cafeteria today, and I am so glad it ended 35 minutes ago or I would be attempting to eat more chocolate dipped strawberries than my diet would allow as well as pizza, cookies, and similar unhealthy foods. I'm not supposed to have any, but I guess that'll come eventually.

I have had a rough past year in so many ways. I haven't studied at all this semester. Which is almost always a mistake. No exception today. I am definitely not doing well academically.

I have a final tomorrow for a class I have a C- in. I'm a smart girl and supposed to be a smart student. I was supposed to get an A in this class--it's easy, but I haven't done the readings and didn't pay attention to the lectures I did go to. I need willpower, but when have I ever had any willpower?

I still can't get past the fact that I am a fucked up, out-of-control loser who is reduced to trying to squeeze small accomplishments out of her otherwise shitty days, like attempting to start studying. Whose life is just so BLEAK at the moment that she sometimes just wishes she were someone else. Who has so many people working so hard to give her a chance, but nevertheless cannot stop wondering if all these attempts are futile. Who feels so goddamn shitty because so much energy is being wasted on a daily basis and isn't taking her where she wants to go.

It makes me so sad thinking about how GREAT my life could be if I hadn't fucked myself up. How amazing my family is. My friends, who even though I have mostly pushed them away by now, were there for me. People actually cared about me.

So maybe I need to just keep pushing on and trying to improve. No, what I need to do is improve. It has come down to sink or swim at this point. What else can I do?

 Ирис/Fleur

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

-Mary Stevenson, 1939

I need to be carried right now. Finals are coming up and this semester did not go well academically (neither did last semester); I am in a really tight situation right now. I need to improve as much as I possibly can and I am wasting time.

Edit: Carry yourself, Ирис. Schaff es! Je veux être fier de toi.