I have a bad attitude.

I weighed in yesterday afternoon and was relieved that I am officially past the 20 pound mark.  And while I was really happy, at the same time, I was thinking that I am only 20% done - and it was probably the easiest 20%.  I still have to do this for a REALLY long time.

Being so fat that 20 pounds doesn't even make a dent really sucks.  Thank you for letting me say so.  I'll try to improve my attitude at some point today, but for now, I am enjoying hiding in my office and being cranky.

A quick little bit of happiness . . .

Although it isn't official, (I only enter weights after I weigh in at my doctor's office on Mondays) according to my scale at home, I have lost 20.2 pounds!  I've been wondering when the 20-pounds-down day would be!

Here's hoping it's still true come Monday afternoon . . .

Have a great day, everyone! 

After Vacation

So this past weekend, my husband and I went on a bit of a "rescue the marriage" trip.  We spent Thursday afternoon through Sunday morning in Daytona Beach.  (Funny note - We are NOT bikers and had NO IDEA that it was Bike Week there when we made the reservation online!)  We had a really nice time, and although I'm not sure it will improve our day-to-day life as a couple, we learned that we can still have a good time together.  It was a nice weekend.

A couple of things happened to me diet-wise that I found to be noteworthy.  The first is that my husband showed some support for the first time since I got started.  The night before we left, we went to dinner as a family.  I ordered a chicken dish that was served over pasta, and commented that I thought I might eat just a couple of bites of the pasta.  He told me (in an incredibly reasonable, sensitive way) that he would hate to see me throw away all my progress and hard work for a little bit of pasta.  He got me to stop and think, and he was right.  I didn't eat the pasta, and I didn't feel criticized or judged after the conversation.  Then while we were gone, we did a little shopping and he encouraged me to try on some clothes that aren't my typical style.  It wasn't anything crazy - just a little nicer and maybe hipper than the boring "mommy clothes" that I usually wear.  Now I usually shop in plus-size stores/departments, and I don't think my husband is aware of the size limitations of shopping in regular stores.  He kept grabbing shirts and saying "This looks like it will fit," or "This would look great on you" and asking me to try them on.  Of course, nothing fit, and I came away with mixed emotions.  I felt encouraged, because I'm not that far from regular sizes fitting me.  But at the same time, I felt really bad.  It's hard to know that you're too big for even the biggest size in clothes meant to fit most people.  I mentioned my frustration to him later in the car, and he told me that he felt that the stores have unrealistic expectations for women.  HOLY COW!!!  This was MY husband, making an incredibly sensitive remark, and actually seeing the big picture for once!  I was very encouraged about both my size issues and about some of my marriage issues.  They are not even remotely close to being resolved, but it's nice not to feel completely hopeless. 

I ate fairly appropriately while we were gone.  I had a couple of drinks which is incredibly unlike me, and I ate a slice of pizza and had some salad dressing that wasn't fat free/low cal.  But other than that, I didn't cheat.  The carbs are kind of a big deal since the plan I am on is virtually carb-free and it's a big setback to eat carbs and have to get them back out of my system, but so far, it seems to have been okay.  I'm back to behaving myself, and I lost three pounds last week.  We walked A LOT while we were away, and I think that helped a lot.  I really need to make time to walk more every day.  Actually, I need to get myself to the gym a few times a week - but I'll be reasonable and take some baby steps in that direction.  :-)

A tiny bit easier

I have been a little discouraged this week because although I have followed this plan to the letter, I had not lost any weight.  I had started to wonder if maybe I was having too many carbs (although God knows how that could have happened since all the carbs I'd had were a few grapes).  So I peed on one of those sticks that tells whether your body is in ketosis, and found out that I was doing fine - still purple!  Then this morning I woke up half a pound lighter, and I'm hoping that it's the beginning of a big loss before I weigh in on Monday afternoon.  :-)  Woohoo, it's all about perseverence!

A much better week

So far, so good!  I have been behaving so well this week.  The scale hasn't shown it yet, but I'm thinking this will be one of those times when a couple (or more??) pounds just drop off one night while I am asleep.  It's less of a struggle these past few days for some reason. 

I hope anyone who reads this is having a good one too.  Enjoy your weekend!  And thank you guys for your encouragement and kindness.  This journey is an easier one with the support of each other, isn't it?

A little frustrated . . .

So I weighed in yesterday and lost .6, which is better than gaining, I know, but still disappointing. I'm okay with it, because I know that last week was not a typical one in my life and that I will be in better control of myself and my meals this week.   But in addition, I'm feeling like my husband is an even bigger jerk than I gave him credit for being.  It seems to me that the harder I try, the more junk he buys, brings home, and eats in front of me.  His reasoning when I ask him about it is "I didn't sign up to starve myself - you did."  Give me a break!  He's going way overboard in eating this stuff as his way of "proving" to me that he can and will do what he wants.  GRRRRR!!!!  I'm not asking him to join me on the plan I'm on - only to be a little more respectful and supportive of what I am trying to do.  Meanwhile, he's got a personal trainer coming to the house twice a week to help him get in shape!  What the heck???

So I'm feeling cranky and mean today, and wishing I could have some sort of adventure to change things up a bit. 

Starting out

My reasons for losing weight:

1) My kids need a better role model.  I want them to love their bodies, whatever their size or shape and I cannot expect them to be able to do that if I don't show them a mother who loves her body.  Although I know that I should not base my self esteem on my weight, the fact is, I do.  This is something I can control, and I am choosing to do it. 2) I'm tired of feeling bad about myself.  3) I deserve to treat myself respectfully.  Eating what I want, when I want and finding excuses not to exercise is NOT being respectful.  I owe it to myself and to my family to take better care of me. 4) I don't like the way I feel others view me.  I know that much of this is my perception, but I feel it regardless. 5) I want to be healthy.  I don't want to wonder if I can keep up with my husband and kids; rather, I'd like to be able to lead them. 6) I'm tired of missing the fun.  I find myself dreading how I will look in the photographs we take rather than enjoying the event/place/time with my family. 7) Not a good reason - but I want my family (specifically, my mother) to back off.  She makes inappropriate, hurtful comments and I'm sick of it.  I don't deserve it, and although I cannot change her behavior, I can stop giving her ammunition. 8) My marriage isn't stellar.  If it ends, I want to know for certain that it wasn't my insecurity about my weight, or my husband's lack of attraction to me that caused the problem.  I also want to be able to make choices regarding my future and my children's future from a position of confidence. 

I started this process two weeks ago and I feel like so far, I am successful.  The first week was hard.  I was hungry and mean ALL the time.  The first Wednesday morning and Thursday afternoon were excruciating.  But it got easier!  I lost 11.6 pounds at my first official "weigh in" and it felt great.  I smiled like a crazy girl.

This past week was also difficult, as it was my birthday on Tuesday and my daughter's on Wednesday.  I faced tough choices and I can honestly say I did my best.  I wasn't perfect, but I can be going forward.  I'm headed for my second weigh in this afternoon, and although I didn't lose another 11.6 pounds, I am confident that I did lose something.  I plan to start my third week with a renewed effort and a great attitude.

I would like to document this process as I go.  I believe (based on advice I got from someone I respect very much who is also in the process of losing a lot of weight) that it will help me to be able to look back when I get a little farther down the road and be able to remember how I felt during this time and what motivated me.  I am so thankful to have my friend's support in all of this!  She has lost over 50 pounds on the same program in about 4 months, and I hope I can look as great and be as successful and positive as she has been.  She plans to lose a substantial amount more, and I hope that I can encourage and support her,  just as she is helping me. 

My first goal is to lose 50 pounds (okay, 51.7 pounds!) by Cinco de Mayo.  That will be about 3 1/2 months.  I realize that this will be difficult at best, and although I will not be disappointed if I can't make it, I will be mighty proud when I do.  I really look forward to the time when my weight loss is visually apparent.  It is frustrating to have gotten off to such a good start and still not really have any real change to my appearance.  But I will keep working and I will feel even more satisfaction with my results when I look at the effort that went into achieving them. 

I really think I can do this . . .