Wrote on Wednesday, January 3rd 2007

Today has not been a good day. First I learned that my dad isn't doing so well. He has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. Hospice has been involved for quite awhile. He has aspirated pneumonia again. I wrote this to "The Sarcastic Journalist"  http://shenuts.com/?p=2006 who recently posted about her grandfather who has Alzheimer's as well.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I read this entry. Because my heart breaks for you and your family AND because our family is going through the same thing with my dad. I haven't dealt with it very well, it is so painful that I guess in a way I have shut down that area in my life. I am the baby of the family, daddy's little girl. My dad, my hero, a man whom I adored and looked up to as I was growing up. My daddy, my daddy, my daddy... How I miss you so...
My dad is also in a nursing home. My step mom (bless her heart) kept him home with her as long as she could. It got to a point where he was up at all hours in the night, was becoming very combative with my step mom. He would wonder off. She was exhausted, it was a very hard decision for her to place him in a nursing home. It was especially hard when he was shuffled to nursing home to nursing home, because they couldn't handle him. Each time they moved him he would end up further and further away from her. One place couldn't keep him in his bed at night so they locked him in his room. (Grrrr I know!) He fell, he had black eye and a big cut above his eye. She finally found the perfect place for him. An excellent place just for Alzheimer patients, they got his medication regulated so he wasn't so combative. But since it was a private pay place, the funds ran out very quickly. So since he was stabilized, he was moved closer to my step mom. Was doing great... But his health has declined very fast in the last year. He has aspirated pneumonia several times. I recently learned he has forgotten how to chew and swallow.
Backing up a bit in time. I am not really sure when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's but our family knew something was going on. It seemed to be a hush hush subject, not really talked about.
I would hear more about some of the little things going on with dad. Family members would tell me, that he couldn't remember who I was when I was brought up in conversations, at that point I started distancing myself and pulling away. I told myself I wouldn't be able to handle him not knowing who I was. In April of 2001 my grandpa Darrel passed away, so had to face it head on. I was so scared. It was the dinner after the funeral, that it really hit me hard. I was standing right next to my dad, and he didn't even know who I was. He would look right at me, and talk to me like I a friend of the family attending the funeral. I was crushed. I wanted to run. After that I would avoided going down to see them, they live about 90 mins from where we live so it was easy. My family would try to convince me to go see him, I would make excuses for not being able to go. Inside my head would be shake my head saying no no no no, I can't do it.
I think my family knew I was avoiding. Then Labor Day 2001 we were going over to my mom's house for a big Labor Day picnic. As my husband, kids and I arrived at my mom's house, I saw that my dad and my step mom were there, I immediately panicked. I told my husband I can't do it, I wanted to keep driving and go home. Of course we didn't. We had a nice barbeque dinner, everyone was happy, smiling, laughing and having a good time. Again I would talk to my dad and I was a stranger to him. Just someone there visiting. As the day wound down and it was time for everyone to go home, my dad hugged me, I held on tight... I told him I loved him, he told me he loved me and they left. That was the last time I have talked to him as my dad. Since then, I have see him at the nursing home a few times. His speech broken. The last time I seen him was at grandma Opal passed away May of 2006. He was in his bed at the nursing home, once again had aspirated pneumonia, he was very sick. He did recover from that fairly quick. Then just about a week and a half ago maybe 2 weeks ago, I was told he had aspirated pneumonia again, got better from that, a short time after that I was told he has forgotten how to chew and swallow. So now he is on puréed food and was told once he can't get that down, my step mom has decided not to put a feeding tube in. Hospice has been called in.
My dad is 74

I have no days off at work. I talked to my manager a few weeks back when dad was sick and he said my only option is when he passes away I can get bereavement leave. I am going to call and talk to HR tomorrow to see if there is any other options.

On the weight loss front, I gained 1.5 lbs  
I gotta get to bed, I am beat.