Well I really enjoying coming online to update my progress and write my thoughts. I am so excited because I only have 8 more days of work before I leave for holidays. My husband and I are driving to Las Vegas and California. I have been a little sad because once again I am off to warmer temperatures and feeling a little heavy but then I tell myself that I am down 14pds and that makes such a difference.
My sister in law has started to lose weight as well. She has done it once before and she started to put a little bit back on just before she got pregnant (which obviously impacted her weight). I think she tries to encourage me, but sometimes it just comes out wrong. At this point she is only 7 pds lighter than me but says things like: “As I lose the weight I will pass my clothes on to you”. Sometimes I don't know if she is being mean or trying to be nice. Is she in denial? I mean, we are the same height granted she holds most of her weight in her stomach area and I hold most of mine in my butt…I just don't know what to say sometimes. So I smile and say thank-you. If she is trying to discourage me I am definitly not going to react to it.
I know that my weight loss is starting to show especially in my waste. Unfortunately my butt will be the last to go. Anyway, the reason I know it is starting to show is that there are 2 girls from work that are going to join me for WW meetings. I don't think they would run out and join if they didn't see a difference in me. I really look forward to the extra support and I hope they have great success.
I am happy to say that I spent sometime on the elliptical and lifting weights this evening. I have been really trying to get motivated to exercise....now I just need to keep it up. I have the eating down so I should be able to focus on getting my butt moving.
Well it was a great week! I am in Onederland!! Woohoo! Since the WW meeting was closed on Monday, for the Canadian holiday, I had to weigh in today and was pleasantly surprised to see a loss of 3.8 pounds. I knew that it would be a bigger loss this week because of my situation at the last weigh in.
I feel just great! Being down 14 pounds makes me feel soooo good. I only have 6.8 pds to get to my 10% goal and I am almost 20% of the way to my ultimate goal.
I don't know how people keep the motivation to lose weight without the support of other people. I feel so blessed to be able to attend the WW meetings because when I tell my group how much I lose each week they always clap and celebrate. It makes me feel so good. I look forward to the meetings every week to see how far I have come.
Boy, do I hope that everyone out there has someone (even if it is only one person) rooting for them. If you don't let me know because I want to be that person for you! You deserve it! I deserve it and I would like to bless someone the same way that I have been blessed! Every weigh-in should be a celebration!!
Well all I can say is Go Oilers Go!!! Last night the Oilers played a great game and are off to the conference final against Anaheim. My husband paid over 200 dollars to go and see that game and I stayed home to save the extra money. He called me from the game a couple of time to talk and called when they scored so I could hear the fans cheering. It is the first time in 14 years that they have made it to the conference final. My husband picked me up after the game and we went to White Avenue to celebrate. It was so crazy there. The street was closed off and people were on top of phone booths, bus stops, climbing light posts and girls were being lifted in shopping carts to flash people. I am not sure I understand how that is the best way to celebrate but I have to admit it was the first time I have seen anything like it and it was kind of interesting. I have mixed feelings. I mean there were people out there celebrating, giving high-fives and drinking and Whoopin' it up but I bet they don't even know what "offside" means I mean really....it is funny how everyone just jumps on the band wagon at the end. There were girls there dressed only in the Oilers flag and I really wonder if they just bought the flag yesterday. Oh well...we are off to the conference final, it was a great game, and we have a great team and Woohoo!! to Smyth, Roli, Pronger, Peca and Horcoff!! Thanks for giving us something to celebrate.
Now for my Oooops!! After all the excitement my husband announces that he is hungry and asks me how many points I have left? Really I didn't have any but I thought...I have a few flex points so I said a few. We ended up a Denny's and I did not too bad. I mean I was bad but I was 99% better than I would have been if I weren’t on WW. I had a cheese stick, about 6 onion rings and a chicken finger. Oh and I snatched a couple of fries from my husband’s plate. So yes I was bad but my goal is to work it off today.
I have yard work like crazy!!! Every year I say that I want to have the best yard on the block and every year I get lazy. I have this really bad mentality that my days off are to relax...meaning veg! I will do one thing and then feel like I have worked an entire day. I would like to say that it has to do with the fact that I am over weight but really ...it isn't. I have always been like that. I have all these great ideas but not the motivation to follow it through. With the weight loss I plan to follow this through to my goal! To prove to myself that I can do it and to be proud of myself. I have never followed through with anything in my life. I took a couple different programs in university and didn't finish either, I started losing weight but didn't reach my goal, I started fixing up my house and yard and I have projects that are half done and really bother me. They kind just hang over my head! Yes that is it....I waste a lot of energy thinking, worrying and stressing over things that I have to do that I just feel overwhelmed in the end. I think I have just learned something about myself. I don't need to fix up my house because someone else thinks so and no one else sees my backyard....I do and my dog and my husband. We are the ones that will enjoy that space and feel better when it is done. That is it. I have been blaming other people and thinking about what other people will think if I don't finish the renovations and I don't plant the flowers and tend to my fountain. Really it is me who will be upset. So goal for today...
1) Work off cheese stick, onion rings and chicken finger.
2) Mow Lawn
3) Remove rock from flowerbed, replace liner, replace rock. Set up fountain, cushions for the chairs and patio lights.
4) Get propane for the BBQ and enjoy the yard.
That is my goal for today. That will make the yard a little nicer. Then later in the week I will get some grass seed and make that improvement too! There will still be much to do but I think that will make me feel better. Really it should only take a couple of hours and then I can relax and feel great about what I have accomplished. I will let you know how it goes!!
Well as I suspected it was an interesting weight loss this week. I thought it would either be very big (because I didn't eat much) or very little because I didn't get to exercise and was retaining water from my surgery and my monthly friend. But hey....I will take it. I lost 0.6 pounds this week for a total of 10.4pds down. I know it will be a much bigger loss next week and I am so excited for the upcoming week. I will step up the exercising...weights, aquafit, walking....mowing the lawn and gardening and cleaning the house. Everything I didn't do this week. Anyway...a loss is a loss and it all adds up!
This week has been really unusual. I have been tracking all week and since my wisdom teeth were removed on Tuesday I haven't been eating all my points. My "friend" is also visiting this week and that just adds to the "Blah" feeling if you know what I mean.
I have been drinking my water religiously and I am going to head out for a walk right away in an attempt to finish off the week as strong as it started.
Two more sleeps and then I have my weigh-in. It is funny how excited I get to see my progress each week. I must say that it is a little weird to go into the weigh-in really not knowing what to expect this week. I don't know how my body will react to very little activity, lots of water and a diet of mostly soup, painkillers and juice.
Ahhh well....we will save it for Monday.
Today was a good day. I returned to work today and some of the reactions I got to the bruising on my face were pretty funny. I do look like someone really gave it to me. The bruising is starting to turn to that really yucky yellow colour. You know what I mean, right? At least the swelling has gone down a bit. I look forward to having my real face back and being able to eat raw veggies again.
Well I should head out for my walk before I lose the motivation.
So to bring you up to date on my weight loss since I have been at it for 4 weeks already…
It is pride swallowing and humiliating to step on the scale and find that you have put on every pound that you had worked so hard to take off, plus an extra 10. It is also something to cheer about because it is that moment when you are ready to say...I need to do this for me.
I took the giant leap!! I knew I had put on ALOT of weight but I had been avoiding the scale. Something just clicked on Monday April 10, 2006 and I decided I needed to gain control of my weight again. So I headed to the Weight Watchers meeting to face my greatest fear. It is bad enough to stand on a scale and look at the numbers by myself but it is a different ball game when you have to stand in front of some else. Wow...212.2....really??.....Hmmmm....that is disappointing....ok...I am here now....better get to work....I can do this....I will do this...I am doing this!!!
Funny how many things a person can think in a matter of seconds!! I have been depressed, I have been unmotivated about everything in my life and any task just seems soooo difficult. Brushing my teeth had become a major deal....now here I am...there is hope and I am the only one responsible for the state I am in. So starting at ground zero....here I go!
I want to believe my husband when he says that I look good. I want to feel comfortable in theatre seats. I want to be able to close the door to a bathroom stall without having to turn sideways. I want to relax in jeans because they aren't too tight. I want to buy whatever clothes are in style. I want to feel proud of what I have accomplished and I want to feel confident and happy.
On Monday April 17, 2006 I weighed in....first weight loss weigh-in...OHHHH the pressure.....OHHH the excitement. What will the scale say? 206.8....WOOHOO!!! 5.4 for week one...not bad...I know it slows down after week one but I will stay within my points range this week and I must get some exercise.
Monday April 24, 2006 - Another weigh in and I was so proud…204.0.I lost another 2.8 pds and I have been on track for two weeks.
Monday May 1, 2006 – The scale said 204.6.This week’s weigh in was a little tough with a 0.6 gain but I can honestly say that I stayed on track.I didn’t cheat and I know that it will all balance out.My body is just adjusting to the changes I am making.I also need to incorporate some exercise.I am having a hard time getting motivated.
Monday May 8, 2006 – Well this week was much better.I lost 2.2 pds for a total of 9.8 pds.I am 2.5 pds from Onderland!!WooHoo!I would like to lose another 10 pds before going on vacation in June and if I really get my but moving with the exercise that is definitely an achievable goal.Now that my surgery is done and I return to work tomorrow I promise myself that I will get some exercise.I will go for a walk and do some weights.Next week I will get my butt on the elliptical that is collecting dust in my basement.
Well there you have it.In a nutshell that is my weight loss journey over the past month.I will keep you updated on the exercise aspect in my up coming posts.This is my promise to you and myself.
OK...so the reunion is not the reason for this road to self-discovery. I began this journey a few weeks before I found out about the reunion. I have been thinking about not going. Part of me doesn't want to put myself in the position of getting hurt or judged. Another part of me wants to go and show them that I am stronger than their hurtful words and another part of me just wants to go because I am curious as to how they all turned out. Either way....that will be in the back of my mind as I work to lose the weight and to find the beautiful person inside and out.
So I took my messurements and entered them today. I also posted a picture and although there are a million negative things I could say about it I have been trying another approach...
I am ONLY going to say positive things about it. I have had this positive focus for a few weeks and here is what I have come up with.
I know that when I am thinner I have a pretty face and I think I photograph well. I like my eyes, my complexion is good and my teeth are straight. So I thought for the time being...I am chubby (although that is changing) and I need to work with what I have.
There are things I can do to improve my appearance right now. So over the past few weeks I have had my eyebrows done, I have cut my hair to shoulder length because it suits my face better.
I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned and he decided I had to have my wisdom teeth out or they could impact my straight teeth. (I actually had them out on Tuesday, which is one of the reasons I didn't take a picture today and post it. My face is a bit swollen and I have some bruising. The past few days away from work have been great. Gave me some time to think and I found this site. God has a plan for me I think.) Anyway, I bought a Crest whitening kit, which I will start to use once my mouth heals from the surgery.
I had my eyes checked and bought new glasses. I kept telling myself that I would get new glasses when I lost the weight. The thing is, I have been telling myself that for months!! I can get new glasses or contacts when I get to goal or closer to it. I need to live my life in the now...right?
I also invested in some really good skin care items. Improving or enhancing the good qualities has already made be feel better and more attractive. This week I would like to work on my nails. It is funny how as you feel bad about yourself you just let everything go.
I admire women (big or small) who take care of what they've got. I mean really! I need to take more pride in myself.
So that is what I have come up with so far. In a few weeks I will take a picture of myself and post it. I have only lost 9.8 pds but I think I look like I have lost a bit more because of some of the changes I have made.
You can be the judge of that when I post the new pictures.
As I said I grew up in a small town. I was in grade 4 when I moved there and I told a few small fibs to try and get in with the cool kids. I always wanted to be a good athlete and tried out for all the teams but always made the second string. I guess looking back I must have alienated myself from the kids and as we grew up I began to get picked on for a number of things.
Although I wasn't a "fat" kid I was a little chubby and that seemed to be what stuck. I have always been emotional and I am not good at hiding that fact either. I remember some of the kids (mostly the boys) singing the ACDC song "Thunder" to me on the bus. Implying that I made a thunderous sound when I walked. I know that on more than one occasion I would cry and sometimes yell at them. They would laugh and it just became a daily thing. I know that kids are cruel and I know that most people have had experiences such as that but to this day I still carry those memories with me.
I suppose I found a nitch when I was in high school. I got involved in drama and for periods of time I could be someone else. I also got involved in a youth group and felt somewhat accepted however looking back I am not sure how many people really cared about me or if they just tolerated me.
I went to Bible College and people and popularity were more important to me than studying. I so badly wanted to fit in and I wanted to be noticed. I had crushes that never amounted to much and an immaturity that surely was my downfall.
I never had a boyfriend or dated until I met my husband just before my 20th birthday. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything. I think I got lucky because he is definitely good to me. I don't know if there was someone else out there for me because I didn't date anyone else but I do know that he is the first person that saw me for me and...that is important.
I now that I hold on to some of the things from my past and that definitely impacted the person I am today. I realize that I am holding onto silly things, things that the kids from that small town probably don't even think about anymore. Although these things are not who I am they are things that I have let impact my actions, my emotions and have ultimately shaped the person I have become.
Now, this is not a self-pity moment. This is an admission maybe to myself but also to others. I don't talk much about growing up and I haven't shared much of this with anyone. I know my parents were aware that I wasn't happy growing up and I am sure that my husband senses it too. He wanted to go to a hockey game in my hometown when we went to visit my parents but I didn’t really want to go. I didn't want to run into anyone and feel like I was being judged.
For as long as I can remember I wanted to get out of that small town. I wanted to make something of myself and like anyone who has had a rough high school life...I want to return someday to that town not caring what anyone thinks. I want to have all the confidence in the world and in myself.
So how do I get to that point? I don't know....in some ways I am still that girl that feels I don't quite add up. I don't look the part, I don't feel the part. I just want to feel good about myself and I want to have that moment where I truly love myself.
Is now a good time to mention I have a 10 year highschool reunion coming up?
I started my weight loss journey a few weeks ago. Like most people this isn't the first time I have set out to lose the extra pounds but this time I want more out of my journey. I want to learn some things about me and to admit some things to myself that I really haven't done before. I am 27 years old and I still feel like the self-conscious junior high student who grew up in a small Alberta town.
I take interest in hockey because my husband loves hockey. I feel that I need to have a spotless house because my sister-in-law feels that it is important.I feel that I need to fix up my house because my parents think that is a good idea.I should be thin because people used to pick on me because I was chubby.I really don't know who I am, what I want from life or how I will figure it all out. How will losing weight help me to find out who I really am? I need to find out what my beliefs are, what my feelings are, what my opinions are, my likes, my dislikes, my fears and my dreams?
I will be losing weight but in the process I want to change my mindset and fully love myself. This is my journey. My story of personal growth. I am about to meet myself for the first time and I have absolutely no idea what to expect.
