A new start...

I started Curves 6 week challenge last night. I feel encouraged. I am gonna give this my best shot. I know that it is all about self worth.  I don't feel worthy enough to be healthy. I bought myself a workout shirt yesterday. Has the "rocky" balboa logo on it. My ex hubby who left me, his name is rocky. I blame the whole mess on why i gained so much weight. The mental manipulation and him playing the victim. I am gonna get healthy. I wore it this morning when I went to curves and I worked out with all my might..I will not let his shortcomings ruin my health anymore! i am determined. Yesterday I walked. Today it is foggy and cold. I don't want to walk. :o) I guess I better go get ready for work. Today is a great day!!!!

Since July 2006...

Since July 2006 I have let myself go. I am almost 300 lbs. How did I do that??  I was down to 239 lbs. I am depressed. I am ashamed. I can't stop. I don't know how. I am trying to do this again. I have never weighted 300 lbs before. even pregnant. I have had a hard time. I joined curves the end of december and I have gone 2 times. I start curves diet class tonite and I start blogging today. I have to do this. I just gotta.

I HURT!

I hurt!! My legs are sooo sore!!  This a.m. I walked 3 miles. 3 painful miles!!!  But I FEEL SOOO GOOD!! Just finished my shake, gonna go get my make up on & curl my hair, get dressed and go to work. I have the long shift today YUCK! 9am to 7pm. I found a walking partner for the evenings!!!  My new friends' sister. Last night I walked sorta..to the post office with my 11yr old. He complained the whole time (he was riding his bike) so i don't know if i can even consider last nights walking. Anyway, I will be back later!

I did great today!

I am so proud of myself ! This morning I had my shake, lunch I had 2 mozz sticks, about 1 cup of petite carrots. I had about 2 waters...(gotta work on that). For dinner 1 hard shell taco & 1 soft taco. The ice cream van was in the neighborhood and I had a cherry/coconut snow cone. And that is it!!!!  If I get hungry later I will have water, water, water! It is 9:23 pm. I was thinking about going for a short walk. about 35 minutes would be 2 miles and that would be 6 miles today. I am still thinking about it. Gotta see if my 11 yr old will ride his bike while I walk. I don't want to be alone when it is dark outside! I am really gonna walk in the morning. I am so not tired right now!!!  I should clean house BUT I would rather walk!! PRIORITIES!!!  The weight won't come off if I don't walk and the house is always a mess with these boys at home all summer!  I FEEL GOOD!!!  It has been 4 days since I have received any manipulative emails from the disappearing husband! YEA!!!!!!!  Well..I am going for a walk! See ya all laterz!

I'm Back!

Well, That was a very depressing break!!  I just lost my ambition. I have gained 5 lbs. I quit walking. I quit my morning shake. I stopped caring. BUT!!!  I walked this morning! I started my morning shake! and ..... I started caring again. I have been so depressed about the financial situation my disappearing husband left me in. I hate him so much!!  I have spent so many days lately with not even a dollar to my name.  God has always provided for me and my children...we have survived those days with nothing. I am still waiting for my income tax return. STILL!  I know it will be here. I was becoming very negative in my thinking and my actions. NO MORE!!!  I have a new friend in my life and this person is so nice and we get along so well. It is nice to have a friend. someone to laugh with. we have gone fishing, to the car races, to the lake. Just having fun!  well..i have to go post my weight and my exercise. i will check up on everyone tonite. i am so glad to be back.

Fate

"Solve the problem yourself or accept a fate you may not like...
from this perspective, the ethic of personal responsibility gains appeal."
Noel M. Tichy

I am soooo ASHAMED!!

I can not believe that I have not written in over a week!!!  I have checked in quite a few times but I just haven't felt very inspired. I have been very lazy about writing my feelings down. I have been having a hard time sleeping at night. I wake up about 3 times and I am craving FOOD!!!  And I end up eating FOOD!!!  I do great all day then I go to bed and EAT!!!  I am up 2 lbs now. Not a bad thing but not a good thing. I bought some Fiber tablets to chew. When I get my cravings I am going to eat 2 tablets and hopefully that will give me a full feeling. Plus they taste kinda good. Sorta.

Tomorrow night I am going to go to the car races. I got asked out by a person. Not on a date...of course...since I am still married. But just an outing with adults..no children..no stress..no problems...and a little fun. I am really looking forward to just getting out...I think the phen is making me cranky.  I have been very irritable with my kids lately. I have been really pissy at work. So, a little fun will do me some good. Maybe it will get me back on track with losing weight.

I haven't really heard from my disappearing husband. I hadn't reaceived any email from him in weeks...then he calls my work on wednesday..when he asked to talk to me he told my co worker.."is my better half there"...is that just crazy or what???? he leaves me physically, then emotionally, then financially, and then asks for his better half!!!!!!!!!!  so friggin crazy!!!!!!!  he wanted to just "hear my voice". WHATEVER!!!!!!!  I think I am actually ok now. not really but time does heal.

Ok...new goals. Stay focused. no more eating past 8pm. no matter WHAT!!!  I need to set some short term  rewards as well...i will do that next time as i am falling asleep..... good night.

Hump Day!!!

Just two more days and the weekend...I am so looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow is last day of school for my older boys and friday my little one graduates from preschool. I will be getting about 10 hours of overtime this week as well. I need it!!! I have been walking walking walking. This am I walked 45 min at lunch I walked 30 minutes and tonight I walked an hour. I need to get a pedometer to see how many miles I am walking. I am really trying to stick to this and become healthy. I made it into my twenties!!!!!  229 lbs on monday am. YEE HAW!!!  Only 30 lbs and I will reach my goal weight. I don't know what I will do for my goal weight treat. I am not good at treating myself. For one thing I can't afford to do anything huge and I can't come up with anything that I really want to do. Any suggestions would be great! Have a good night!

Today is a GOOD day!

Today I went to Wal Mart (where I work) and one of my co-workers said...wow Jill you are looking great!!! It felt so good. It is sometimes hard to stay focused when no one notices that you have lost 36 lbs. Those comments here and there really help my self esteem a lot.

Today, I weighed myself..I am down to 230!!!  One more lb and I am in the 20's. I am so excited. I need to drink more water. I am only getting in about 40 - 50 oz a day. I need more. I have been really watching what I am eating and I am so proud of my self control. I have been walking everyday cept saturday and hopefully tonite I will get out there. That is the plan!!

I broke my toilet today. I was changing the seat and I broke the whole toilet. When I was trying to take the seat off...I was thinking "this is why I need a man around." the screws were all rusted from the boys pissin on it all the time. I couldn't get them off. The seat was mostly broken off with just the rotten screws left attached to the toilet. So, I have a screwdriver, wrench, pliers, hammer.....and I was sweatin like a pig!!!  I was cussin like a sailor!!!!  When I screamed out "THIS IS A BUNCH OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!"   ccccrrrrrraaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkkkkkkk!!!! I broke the toilet. Cracked the toilet. I had to call my dad.  To go figure...my bedroom toilet has been not working for about 3 weeks now. Something to do with the "flapper" and maybe it is a good thing that I have been patiently waiting for my dad to come over and fix it.. :o))))  so...i have no where to pee. My dad is coming over tomorrow.

My disappearing husband has sent a few emails here and there. Pretty much critical, rude, accusing, and unforgiving. I sent him one back and pretty much told him that I wasn't responsible for his choices only mine.  His first rude email he made the comment that he was planning on moving to Portland around the first of July. Then after I put him in his place ..he then told me that he wants to move back in around the first of July. I am thinking that she must have given him a 30 day notice. and .. no.. I am NOT  going to let him move back in. Nothing has been resolved since he moved out in Feb. I mean NOTHING!! Just a lot more hurt has accumilated. I don't really know where he is coming from. crazy!!! 

Something so awesome happened last night. I just wish I could share. :o))))))))))  I have had a great weekend!!!!!! 

SECRETS!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a secret!!!!  I can't share with anyone!!!!  I just wanted to share that I have a secret!!  I did something and I just wish I could share. Maybe I will start a new blog name to just tell the secret and be anonymous. I want to tell someone soooo bad!!!  BUT I CAN"T!!!!!!!!!  I can't!!!  oh....I did lose a couple lbs..got back to 233 where I was a couple weeks ago. I am back on track. Just 34 more lbs and I have met my goal weight. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME DAY!!!!!!  It is 5:10am..and I think I am going to go to bed now.  :o))))))))))))  I am gonna weigh myself when I wake up...I hope i have lost another one. I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SCALE TOO SEXY FOR MY SCALE... I'M TOO SEXY!!!