I have been an emotional wreck all day.... it is amazing how much 9/11 affected us all, isn't it? I can't believe it's been 5 years, it's surreal....
After weighing in today (and I even weighed in after I ate breakfast), I found I had lost 3 lbs. It is awesome to have 3lbs gone, but I don't notice it much! I am down a total of 12 lbs now. 12 lbs in about 2 months.... it's better than up 12 lbs... may it continue!
I haven't thanked Barb enough... Barb, I read your words over and over and you inspire me. Although I don't let you know how much your support means, it means a TON. Everyone from the summer challenge inspires me.... the losers, the maintainers, and even the gainers... I really love you all. I also must really trust you, because not even my own doctor knows how much I weigh! SAD.
I have eaten what I wanted to eat this week, I've just tried to eat LESS of it. My MAJOR accomplishment is that I went to Long's Drugs yesterday, and slowly walked up and down the halloween candy aisle, DROOLING over the candy... and I didn't buy any, not one piece. I wanted to buy the HUGEST bag there was, but I didn't even touch the bags (the supply is yet untouched, there is SO MUCH CANDY it should be illegal). It was a small victory, BELIEVE ME.... I don't know what tastes better than yummy halloween candy!! So, chalk one up for Kim! The victory is small, but it still feels good. Of course there were a couple of setbacks like the strawberry shake at Carl's Jr.... and the ice cream sundae at Baskin Robbins.... But, there were small victories as well... may there be many more.
Not much exciting going on around here. I have a nagging/lingering headache I can't seem to knock (Hello, bloodpressure!), and I'm way tired, but I think a lot of it is sadness about 9/11 and the current war.... I also have a friend that is living with metastic breast cancer, and it's really hard. She has 3 teenage girls... it just isn't fair..... It doesn't get much sadder. I want to be there for her, I am there for her, I will continue to be there for her, but it really sucks. Cancer sucks.
I pray the kids will go to bed early tonight.... as soon as they are out, so am I!
Wish I had more energy.... thanks so much for the emails and posts, etc.... I go back and read them and reread them and look at your sites.... you guys are amazing and inspirational and I finally feel like I'm really not alone in feeling this way. You Rock!
Why is it so hard... why can't I just get through one day without craving junk food and sweets? I am sitting here DREAMING of ice cream and hot fudge sauce and whipping cream.... How sad is that? I have tons of housework I should be doing, I could take my son to the park, I could eat something healthy, but I am not.... I really wonder what is wrong with me? Everyday I keep thinking gastric bypass surgery might be my only way out of this mess..... I feel like I have NO willpower, and I mean NONE. Why can I be successful at everything except for spelling and weight loss? I feel so apathetic, I am actually ashamed of myself. Ashamed of how I look, ashamed of how I feel, and ashamed that I actually let myself get this way. I promised myself that by my 40th birthday I'd be much healthier (no number attached, just healthier)... can that really happen??? I feel like such a hopeless loser (loser, I wish!).... some of is probably PMS, but some of it isn't... how embarassing to have such failure staring you in the face every single day... why can't I just slay this demon? I ask myself that everyday, I still can't find the answer.....
Well, I have no excuses, but I've gained 3 lbs since I last posted. I guess I should be thankful it's only 3 lbs. I am actually shocked, but mostly because I spent 3 days with the flu, and I thought for SURE that would at least cause me lose 1lb, but no such luck.
I have been so off track for the past 10 days or so, and I guess it really shows. There has been so much activity around the house these days, and work has been crazy (I worked a 20 hour shift this week, with barely a pee break along with my normal shift)....
I really need to stop making excuses. I have made extremely poor food choices. We have gone out to eat multiple times, and eat I did.... itallian, steak, itallian (can you tell I love itallian?)... and don't forget dessert. Baskin Robbins and Dairy Queen employees probably know me by name. SAD. I actually went to Sonics 3x in one day!?!?!?!? The trips weren't all for ME, but I had a "little" something each time.
WTF is wrong with me??? I had lost 12 lbs, and now I am back up 3 or 4?!?!?! I am such an immediate gratification kind of person. I want the immediate gratification good food brings, and if I loose weight and can't even tell (let's face it, no one can tell)- why bother?!?!? I certainly don't feel or look better 12 lbs lighter.... what is 12lbs in this sea of flesh?!?!!?
Regardless of my low impulse control and negative attitude when it comes to losing weight, I HAVE to do it. I MUST do it. So, this week, I pledge to myself to at least make BETTER food choices. To walk as much as I can (and it's getting harder by the day to walk), and to drink more water. That is the least I can do.
I am actually getting my hair cut this week, FINALLY. It hasn't been cut since May 05 when I got a very cute, but very short cut. Now my hair is long again, which I love, but it needs some shape and maybe some color. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I usually don't do much for myself, so it feels good to actually have an appointment to do something nice for ME. I need to start doing more nice things for me.... lots more.
All the kids are doing well... college and kindergarten alike are loved... and football season for my 14 year old, well, he's a stud. The "baby" is still a baby... he's hanging on me right now begging to breastfeed (how come breastfeeding doesn't make ME skinny?!?!?!), so I'd better go....
I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the support you guys are giving me... I have teared up reading each one of your comments, and I am touched more than I imagined I could be.
When I feel helpless and down and disgusted, you guys keep throwing me the rope, showing me the way, and reminding me that I really can do this.
Yesterday, I blew it. I have been feeling so awful about myself, I thought, "What will a cinnamon roll and Del Taco hurt?" and "why not have an oatmeal cookies?" But, today, after being touched by your words, I am going to try and pull it together.
I hate feeling so out of control. I have very low impulse control and am haunted by that fact and reminded of it every time I see myself in a mirror or try and walk 100 feet.
I can't tell you all how much your heartfelt words mean to me. The genuine love and support you are sharing with me MADE me change my tune, they pulled me back on the wagon, and I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart. I am truely blessed.
There is no other word for it. I saw a picture of myself today from my daughter's 5th birthday party on August 5th. I am so embarrassed, horified actually. I can't stop thinking about the gastric bypass, really. I look like a GIANT Buddah.... and I do mean GIANT. I am always laughing or smiling, and you can' t even tell that I have eyes in this picture, just slits. ... I am just huge... I can't believe it's me, it's unfathomable. I am so embarrassed, actually, I have never been so embarrassed.
After the LONG, LONG, LONG kindergarten walk today which knocked me out, I don't know what to do. Here I sit figuring out how I can hire someone to pick her up and walk her to the car because I am so ashamed of the state I am in walking to pick her up. It's probably about 1/4 mile each way (you have to park on residential streets)... and of course i have the 3 year old.... My back just can't carry me and my hips aren't doing much better.... I can't believe I don't even feel my knees which supposedly need to be replaced?!?!?!
I feel lost and disgusted and alone. I can't believe that this is what my poor family has to be seen with, seriously. I am HUGE. I am abominable... and disgusting. Seriously. I can barely walk, I am too far gone to even go grocery shopping, I sit in a chair to do dishes and cook. How I manage to make a living? God only knows, and how much longer will I be able to make a living!??!?! I really don't know. I feel like I am days away from being bed ridden and I don't know what to do. I usually have a decent attitude or better, but it's getting really hard. Really, Really hard. I am having trouble with managing the household and getting the kids to school, what's next.....
I am not even 39 years old, and I feel like my life is over. Why didn't I get the gastric bypass years ago?!?!? I have been this weight (give or take a few p ounds) for 6 years now. Why didn't I do something 6 years ago!?!??!
A nurse friend of mine works in ICU at a local hospital. Another patient in dying after gastric bypass.... but I wonder what the big deal is sometimes.... living in a body like this has GOT to be as close to HELL as possible.
I have everything (aside from riches), everything that matters.... why am I blowing it so badly, why won't I make the phone call and get the referral for gastric bypas?!?!?! I have lost 12 lbs or so in the past month, and it is NOTHING on this frame... NOTHING... it makes NO DIFFERENCE at all, it's a spit in the bucket.... how much longer can I go on like this? I don't know.
I was feeling really upbeat about getting my life in order, and getting healthy. I even fooled myself into thinking I don't care what I look like... OMG, I can't fool myself anymore after seeing a picture of myself sitting on the floor like a giant buddah... and how embarrassing for my sweet little kindergartner to have her nearly 300lb Mom dragging her fat ass, limping along beside her, in to much pain to enjoy and share her experience with her... what a raw deal- and I don't mean for me... I mean for my children and husband. I have never, ever, felt like more of a loser... never.
I have been trying to post a blog for several days without success.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... I am excited I can finally access "Add a New Post"- I hope it works....
Well, this week has been tedious. Once again, lots of eating out. With my husband and myself working demanding jobs with unpredicatable mandatory overtime opposite days of the week (so we don't have to use a sitter), sometimes there is no time for cooking or even shopping... it sucks. I need to get more organized.
What a week it's been and what a week it will be. I just popped on the scale, not even 1 lb down, but not 1 lb up either. Tomorrow is the "official" weigh in, I'll see how I do. I have eaten out so many times this week it's crazy... Johnny Carinos, The Outback, and tonight Dos Coyotes.... oink oink..... On the contrary, I've been doing much better with the snacking at work aside from one night when a coworker brought in jalapeno, cream cheese, artichoke dip......... Super YUMMY, that dip was so good it was EVIL.... other than that, it's been cut up fruit and salad.
We have been preparing for one daughter to start kindergarten and one to start college... it all happens this week. We had a "meet the teacher" day for the kindergartner this week. All was well, except her classroom is the farthest from the parking lot AND there is very little parking so people park all along the street of this very residential neighborhood. It is a LONG walk to the classroom, and I was sweating like a pig with severe back pain by the time we made it to class... and I have to make the trek 2 times a day all year. I can't get there early to get parking because I have to drop my highschooler off first.... I guess on the bright side it will force me to walk (while chasing my three year old.... ).... Talk about emabarking on a new journey.... with one in highschool, one in college, one in kindergarten, and one still in diapers on the breast, I feel like I am torn in every direction... but I wouldn't change it. I love my family so much, even my husband who I rarely see, yet yearn for (absence makes the heart grow fonder).
I am more committed than ever to losing weight. Earlier this week my 18 year old said, "Mom, you really should go to the gym, I don' t care if you or fat or what you look like, but I really want you to be alive for my wedding." Talk about a wake up call. Sad, huh? How could I let myself down like this and let my kids down. I have a 3 year old and I am sure I am just minutes away from a heart attack. I am so short of breath many times a day it's scarey. What the hell is wrong with me??!?!?!?! I want to be at my daughter's wedding. I want to be at my 3 year old's graduation from high school, and I want to be there for all of the other various life events we all look forward to. And I love my husband, It would be great if I could stick around long enough to really enjoy him!
Soooo, this week I will walk (because I will be forced to walk! Is that cheating?!!?!?!?). And I will drink water, and I will make the best food choices (OK, well, I will try and make BETTER food choices- I have to be honest). ..... and I will hold each of my daughter's hands as I walk them to kindergarten, and to their first home away from home, a college apartment in San Francisco.... as they both embark on their new journeys, so will I. Wish Us all LUCK!!!!
The scale Gods are definately on my side. With all of my trips off the wagon this week, I'm still down 2 lbs... Hopefully 2 lbs I'll never see again. Of course i feel fat and puffy as ever, and am convinced my scale is broken (which it may be!)..... for today, though, I'll take it... and I'll keep taking baby steps until somehow, someday, maybe I'll reach my goal!
I met my match. It's salt water taffy. Both my very best friend and my son spent the past week in Santa Cruz and came home with tons of salt water taffy for me! It is one of my favorites and a rare treat, since it never tastes as good as it does in Santa Cruz. Well, Honestly, in the past 24 hours I think I have eaten 100 salt water taffys. Easily 100. Oink Oink. And the weigh in is tomorrow. Each week I have been so pleasantly surprised, but this week between mondo italian food and salt water taffy, it's OVER! I feel really badly, but also realize that this may not be my week, but next week I can kick butt if I set my mind to it!
The good news, last night at work in 15 hours I never got to eat or drink and only got to pee once. I was running my ass off all night.... maybe I burned off some of the salt water taffy calories. Tomorrow will tell. Good Luck to everyone on their weigh ins, I have my fingers crossed!
Whatever mistakes I haven't made earlier this week, I made last night! My husband picked up Johnny Carinos (Italian food) on his way home from work yesterday... spaghetti and meatballs with extra meatballs, chicken parmesean, pepperoni bread, mozarella sticks, salads, and of course they send 3 loaves of bread with oil and garlic, too! I think I consumned a weeks worth of calories and a 2 weeks worth of salt... looking on the bright side, that salt made me so thirsty, I've probably downed a couple of gallons of water in the past 16 hours!!! and I'm still full. My wedding rings which usually slide all over the place are tight and so are my ankles! I guess I went HOG WILD! It was sure good... and to top it off, a banana cream pie blizzard from dairy queen... also yummy... it was so yummy, I can't even kick myself. I enjoyed that giant italian meal and that delicious blizzard.... Of course I don't enjoy feeling so bloated and thirsty. But, I will just be extra good for the next couple of days.
So, I went grocery shopping and bought NO junk food (except for sugar free popsicles which have always been the kind I feed my kids- they are bad for the carpet, the dye is so strong, and probably bad for something else, but heavy on the sugar or calories)- I bought 6 melons and a pineapple. I will painstakingly cut them all up today and then everyone can eat the cut up melon, pineapple and grapes for snacks. I also bought some laughing cow ( a staple) and string cheese and lots of fresh veggies. No ice cream, no cookies, no chips. Of course my teenage son will HATE me but I bought him about $60 in gatorade, so he can drink his sugar. My teenage daughter eats like a saint, grass and soy and chicken. But I worry about my 5 year old who already weighs over 50lbs... I can just see her becoming me. She LOVES food and has no turn off valve, just like her Mama. I owe it to her to keep crap out of the house.
Tonight I work, I won't partake in cookies or candy (I'll pray no patient has left us See's!). I will share my melon chunks, and will probably take a little leftover chicken parmesean for dinner. I will also, no doubt, be on my feet plenty, hopefully I can take the long way a couple of times tonight instead of the short cuts on the unit I usually use. Every extra step will help.
I did some back exercises yesterday. Just the easy ones, pelvic tilts and stretches. I have had a "stiff neck" for 2 days which sucks, but maybe I can stretch it out.
I am spending way to much money on back to school clothes.... I hope I'm not replacing one addiction with another! I do almost 100% of my shopping online these days, and it's so easy to spend money online.
I'm still thinking about gastric bypass... I still think anything is "easier" than living like this (pain and mobility issues)- I feel like I wouldn't let my surgery fail like so many do, and of course I wouldn't be one of the up to 25% that have some sort of complication either! yeah, right! I just need to stay away from restaurants and dairy queens and move my ass!!!! I know it can happen, just wish it didn't have to take SO LONG... that's why I made my 40th birthday my target date.... about 14 months from now. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well, it's been a busy couple of days with appointments for the kids, work, etc. I don't feel like I've eaten too too badly, but I haven't paid as much attention to drinking water and I also haven't walked again. I had the best intentions, but I didn't do it. I need to do it, but I didn't do it. I want to say I'll walk tomorrow, but I probably won't. What I will do though is start back and ab strengthening exercises, I need to improve my strength at my core. Once again, baby steps.
My ankles were really swollen this morning after work. I was on my feet a lot last night, but I also had a headache, I hope it's not my BP. Yikes.
Tonight my dear friend called me. She is one of my best friends and helped delivered all 4 of my babies, and I, in turn, helped deliver 5 of her grandbabies. I love Sandy. She just flew home from Hethro (spelling... I am a terrible speller)- she was one of the final flights to leave before the HUGE security/terrorist issue... I missed her so badly while she was in Ireland and England.... we talk for hours several times a week and work together as well. She is 25 years older than me, and it doesn't matter one bit... I am so glad she is HOME and SAFE.
Sandy taught me to skinny dip, among other things- MANY other things!!! She is a big girl, too. Not as big as me, but a big girl. Tonight on the phone she almost was crying, she is tired of what she sees when she looks in the mirror, she is tired of having her feet hurt, she is tired of feeling pain while doing simple things such as rolling over in bed. Her 3X clothes are getting tight (I wear 4X, so they are loose.... who do I think I am kidding?!?!?!).
I love Sandy. As much as family or more. At least now we can eat healthy snacks together instead of what we usually eat (tons and tons of delicious dips and sweets and drinks! We eat WELL)... we are both fed up and definately can support each other. I feel so blessed to have all of you and now Sandy on my team. All of your kind words and kicks in the tail do more than you'll ever know.
So, tonight, even though I am ravenous and want ICE CREAM, I just ate a hunk of laughing cow with 5 whole wheat wheat thins, of course I want more, but I think I'll try and go to bed instead! Whoops, the "baby" is crying, I'd better go.
