02/03/2012 03:49
Realization
Four years ago I reached my breaking point. At 5 feet tall and 280 pounds, I couldn't take it anymore. I was only 19 years old when my doctor told me that my blood pressure was out of control. He refused to put me on medication for it, saying only that I was too young and should just lose weight. Yeah . . . easy for him to say! As depressing as it was, I was so thankful for his advice. He told me to start with 25 pounds. I went above and beyond. In a year, I lost 145 pounds! The only problem was that I didn't do it in a healthy (or at all legal) way. I was desperate.
Shortly after reaching my goal weight of 135 pounds, I became pregnant with my son. Because of him, I got off of the drugs I had been doing to lose weight. Quit cold turkey in less than a minute and never looked back. The hard part was, because I went from not sleeping much and not eating at all to eating for two and being incessantly exhausted, I gained 95 pounds during my pregnancy.
My son is 14 months old and I haven't been able to find the motivation to lose weight. I still weigh exactly as much as I did the day he was born . . . before he actually made his appearance. I finally stopped saying, "I'm fine! I just had a baby!" on his first birthday.
Last weekend, my boyfriend and I took our son to the zoo for the first time with my cousin and her daughter. We had a blast! When we got home, I saw the pictures my cousin had posted from her trip. I never look at myself from the side and what I saw shocked me. I didn't realize that I looked the way that I do. On a superficial level, I was disgusted with myself. All I saw was the fat. That progressed to my remembrance of being 19 and being told that I was too young to be as unhealthy as I was. I cried for 4 hours.
Now that I'm done sulking, I am taking a more practical approach. I can be depressed about the way I look, or I can do something about it. I want to watch my son grow up. I want to be able to play sports and run around with him. I want him and his father to be proud to be seen with me. My boyfriend has NEVER said that I was too big or that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and we have a great relationship. But my insecurity keeps us at home more often than not. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want to stop hiding out on my couch!
So this is the beginning of my journey. I don't know how many people will follow this blog. But I DO know that writing this and taking the first steps has already boosted my confidence and my motivation is through the roof!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!