Dad was supposed to be having more tests today, but they were unable to do a lumber punch becasue of previous damage to his spine, and they couldn't do the scan they wanted becasue of metal in his arm from a motorbike accident in 1952, so we're not really any further forward. Mom and I went tonight and took him some slippers and some chocolate. At least he's eating again now so I guess that's progress. They're going to do an MRI scan on his brain and spine tomorrow.

My husband comes home tomorrow, he's been working away all week.

I'm so tired.

My Dad has been taken back into hospital last night as an emergency, becasue he may have suffered a mini stroke a couple of weeks ago, and since then has been having horrendous headaches. He went to the hospital at the time but they said that there didn'tappear to be anything wrong and discharged him. So today he's back there and has had to have an emergency brain scan. I have been at the hospital with my mom all evening waiting for the results. Fortunatley his brain seems to be ok, but they are doing further tests tomorrow, and none of them sound very pleasant.

I just feel as though we all need lots of prayer at the moment just to get us through. My hisband has started working away again now so I'm on my own all week, and it seems harder to cope when you come home and there is no one here to talk it through with, phones and emails just aren't the same.

On the food front, I've taken Tatumsmums advice and been concentrating on eating on really healthy stuff, which has corresponded with some diet info someone else gave me to trial and I've been surprised how I seem to have been able to eat less and still seem to feel full. I've had two really healthy days now, and feel that I'm giving myself the best chance possible tpo cope.

Will try and keep you all updated

 Sveral times now I've sat down to write a blog entry, but then find I have nothing to say. I know I'm struggling with a lot of things right now, not least my weight, but I also have some issues with my parents' health and also my own depression. At the moment all I want to do is sleep, so just being vertical is kind of an acheivement and being at work and having fed and walked the animals before I got here is just a miracle.

My weigh in last night added another 3lbs onto my weight which made me feel even better, but I know I have to get there so I'm just going to keep trying.

 I'm slowly getting back into control again, I think. I'm doing my best to help myself to deal with the depression. I'm going to bed early if I feel I need to and I'm getting my sleep. I cooked for 4 hours on Sunday afternoon and filled my freezer with ready prepared vegetable based dishes that I can just take out and add rice or pasta to for a quick dinner. I baked 4 large potatoes and put them into the fridge so I can reheat them for lunch at work, and try and reduce my bread intake. I haven't managed to increase my exercise yet, but next week DH starts to work away all week so I will have to walk the dogs twice a day, so I'll not be able to avoid it. I'm looking at that as quite a positive. I've prepared fruit and vegetables to eat as snacks when I'm bored and would usually grab some junk. I've eaten 3 carrots a banana and an apple already this morning, but that's ok. I even managed a day, yesterday without chocolate.

I spent the last week and weekend trying to get round some of the clutter spots in my house (well my whole house is a clutter spot really) and I felt better for doing that - still a lot to go but I can't do it all in one day so I'm working at it gradually and not beating myself if it doesn't get done. I'm trying to keep on top of the laundry and not allow loads of ironing to build up. I think I'm doing ok.

I so want to be like a some of my buddies who are doing so well. Jenpatmoody, Tatumsmom and livelovelaugh4u are both doing so well under really tough circumstances and I want to be able to say that I've achieved stuff to not just keep moaning about failing.

I don't think there is any other way to describe how I feel right now other than depression. I've tried to think of it as something other, but the bottom line is that it's back. So, having acknowledged that the next question is - what am I going to do about it? What I want to do is find some sand and push my head into it or find a cupboard, climb in and sleep until it passes, but neither of these arepractical or are going to help.

Firstly I need to be taking really good care of myself, but I can't be bothered. I need to be eating good, healthy food to let my mind and body have the very best chance of dealing with this, but I want to eat junk, comfort food that takes no time to prepare and is full of sugar.

I need to be getting to bed early, relaxing and getting my sleep so have the best chance of functioning during the day but I want to stay up late playing on the computer until I'm so exhausted I just fall asleep without having time to think about anything.

I tried yesterday to not eat rubbish, and I almost managed it, but gave in at supper time and had a tea cake with low fat spread. I guess that wasn't so bad. I've had a reasonable startto day, so need to try and keep that up as best I can. It will pass, I know it will it always does, but the time it takes to go is hell. So this time I'm going to try and be as kind to myself as I can be, and try and come out the other side feeling as positive as possible.