so on friday when i was cranky i started thinking about where i was a year ago.... a year ago i was eating poorly, going out to eat 4 or 5 times a week, stuffing myself with pizza, wings, breadsticks, ice cream, cookies, jars of icing..... whole packages of cookies, ...... it was really bad.... i was barely working out i felt tired all the time .... and i still hadnt quite realized how heavy i was getting.... there were a couple realizations trying to put something nice out to go out with friends and nothing fit.... did the light go on there? no, trying to put on a a pair of jeans and the zipper broke.... did the light go on there? no, realizing i was wearing sweats all the time and big shirts bc nothing else was fitting? nope still didnt see it.... even when i was on vacation in january and my face looked like it was going to explode i was soo puffy i didnt see it..... but my mom was brave and mentioned ww's and i said sure lets see where this can go..... then when i weighed in at 185.6lbs on 1/16/08 it hit me.... like a mack truck.... i had been kidding myself i thought i was fit?? i thought i was athletic and strong.... who was i kidding i was overweight, tired, and feeling like a worthless blob.....

it was a slow process i was convinced i wouldnt even make it to my goal weight for ww's which on the high end is 155lbs.... i hadnt weighed that since my sophmore year of high school.... but i kept going and handing over my money... and slowly working out more... and getting new workout dvd's and started thinking maybe i want to run again, if i just start slow.... and for 3 months the scale barely moved i was thinking thats it this is a joke... then i went on vacation for one week and put on 2.8lbs and i was ready to give up.....

but i kept going.... and the running got easier.... and i thought about doing a 5k... and school was going to be starting again.... i would have to plan more.... i would have to understand that the scale would go up and down.... aug the scale went way down.... caused some health concerns but i kept on.... and learned to balance things.... and this semester with 16 credits and a hell of a work and internship schedule feels easier than all of the others before..... i feel good ... i dont mind getting up at 4:30 in the morning..... yes there are days where binges occur... and slips that make me want to crawl back in bed and hide from the world... but compared to a year ago..... i live in a different world.... working out is a daily occurance that i enjoy.... eating right can be expensive but i dont miss those repeated uneventful dinners 4 or5 times a week.... i still eat cake and go overboard on sweets but once in a while not 5 or 6 times a week,,,,,

it is a journey one that i will be a part of for the rest of my life.... i must always be committed to monitoring my food intake... and weighin in at least once a month to keep myself on track.... but it is worth it??? oh yea its definately worth it....

i still have fat days... which drives my bf crazy bc he doesnt know how you can lose 50lbs and still have fat days.... i know thats my insecurities creeping in and i have to keep them in check... but i am willing to do that .... in order to keep moving forward....

whew.... that was intense but necessary... hope everyone is enjoying their weekend

Kel

TOM arrived today which explains the hunger and emotional eating yesterday... did well today with food and got my presentation done and i did well on the proposal feeling pretty good about things i have free time this weekend to get work done and i want ot have as much done as possible before thanksgiving break.... exercise wise had a good workout then went for a short run but it was soo damn cold i came home.... just keep on keeping on mentally preparing for break... ahhhhhh it will be soooo nice

Kel

Hope everyone is ready for the weekend!!

so tonight i got irritated about some school related stuff and i definatley mini binged ... i was way below calories for the day and its almost TOM time so its just a combination of everything i think... weds are never good for me.... just really irritated that i might have to drive to school tomorrow to run these data for my data analysis for research blah blah blah i need thanksgiving break.... i binged on baked skinless chicken how silly is that???

ugh

well yesterday i did awesome with staying on track with my food for the day... woo hoo i will take it....and bf was offically offered the new job so thats a good thing..... workout was a lil iffy this morning nothing too strenuous but thats ok might fit in the fitness center this afternoon after i work on a paper for school... work is still really shakey with all of the layoffs... hearing not so good things i have a meeting tomorrow so we will go from there.... had therapy yesterday ( seriously suggest it to anyone who struggle with emotional issues, food issues anything) ... and i did spent a good deal of the time crying mostly due to stress and feeling overwhelmed but my therapist helped me be able to step back and see what are the pressing issues and how to cope ... so i am feeling a lil more centered today which is  a good thing... hope everyone is doing wel

Kel

yes this morning the scale was up so i am taking control and looking to be at 130 by christmast time to get it together again.... ugh then everything is crazy i got to work after an extremely stressful morning trying to get things accomplished and when i get here the phone rings and its my boss (well former boss) who's position was eliminated last week... he was asking me how i was doing and we talked a bit about things he started to get all choked up then i was choked up and crying ugh..... its so crappy... lots of people were eliminated.... its just not good.... i spent the first half of the day just trying to process everything.... i am hoping to get a walk in at the indoor track on my dinner break just to relax a lil.... things feel all over right now.... but food is not the answer and i am going to get back in control of my eating... bc then i will be better all over.... tracked all my points for the day and hopefully will manage my evening munchies.... deep breaths .... just breathe

thanks for the supportive msgs..

Kel