since i dont really have any chance to bike anymore, or do tai chi at the school, ive incorporated some exercise while taking care of baby. one of consist of the itsy bitsy yoga dvd that my friend gave me. its actually pretty cool cause i get to play and bond with her all the while burning some calories. i also dance with her while listening to music, but this is bad, because she is getting spoiled and now she cannot sleep w/o me doing this to her. the other thing i do while carrying her are squats and some leg stretches i learned from chi gong. she really likes those too, and seem to fall asleep when i do that, same with the dancing.
as far as eating go, its kind of hard to eat while taking care of her as well. she hates it when i try to do something else while holding her and the fact that she wakes up the moment i put her down makes it impossible for me to do anything. so what happens is, i get really hungry and i start fantasizing about food. so when she finally falls into deep sleep late at night, i go and eat a plate full of rice and meat. aarrgg. the worse part is i fall asleep right after.
anyway im tired. my feet hurts from walking. walked around target yesterday, then at the mall today. my shoes have gotten tighter cause i guess my weight expanded my feet. anyhow i need to wash her bottles now.
"PEOPLE SPEND
A LIFETIME SEARCHING FOR HAPPINESS; LOOKING FOR PEACE. THEY CHASE IDLE
DREAMS, ADDICTIONS, RELIGIONS, EVEN OTHER PEOPLE, HOPING TO FILL THE
EMPTINESS THAT PLAGUES THEM. THE IRONY IS THE ONLY PLACE THEY EVER
NEEDED TO SEARCH WAS WITHIN."
i was able to leave baby girl with my mom so i could run an errand for her. but after i did, i decided to stay out for a few more hours to walk around the city. i miss my walks around the city. it was really nice. i must've walked 5 miles today and decided to stop by my friend's apartment and hung out there for a couple hours until my mom started calling me asking me when i was gonna come home. all the while i hear baby girl crying in the background. so i felt bad, and finally went home. at least i got some exercise in.
today i had rice with salmon in soup with lots of veggies, both for lunch and dinner. it was delicious.
also i bought myself a new hat for feeling so good about the future.
yesterday i was so close to buying a bag of fritos. haha. but i didnt. good thing it was raining so it was enough to deter me from going outside. instead i had an apple some crackers and cheese. not sure if the crackers and cheese part is healthy, but i needed something crunchy. anyhow, its not so bad. i know i said my highest weight is 225, but i'm not exactly sure about that. i was just ballparking it. anyhow, i weighed myself today, and it says im about 222 lbs. so i guess it seems kinda motivating. (ya, i know, i lie to myself. but i am very well conscious of reality). anyhow, i've cut back a LOT on snacks, considering how much i was eating the past couple of months, so i gotta give myself a pat on the back for that.
also, im probably going to stop pumping, since my milk has been drying up to a point where i was only pumping twice a day, versus pumping 8 times. yeah i feel kind of guilty for not being able to breastfeed, but the circumstance of doing this on my own from the very beginning made it difficult for my milk to establish a good supply. it was low to begin with. but at least i tried and lastd 3 months. anyhow, since i've sort of cut back on pumping, i've started to cramp. i guess im gonna get my period soon, which sucks! also, i wont get to help speed up the process of shrinking my uterus back to its normal size and burn that extra 500 calories. but i think its time to stop. she hates breastfeeding anyway. she gets so frustrated when i put her to breast, she cries and fussys and pushes and kicks. she makes it look like im torturing her with my boob. its kinda funny. that crazy girl.
i dont know what else to say... i guess i should mention my knees are starting to hurt. i guess it can't handle my weight anymore which scares me. also ive been reading on other people's blogs about how great they use to feel when they weighed 135 lbs or less. gosh i cant even remember how 135 feels like. i think the last time i weighed that much was in high school, 10 years ago! i hate the fact that i've let this happen for so long. i want to know what it feels like to be unfettered. i miss traveling. i miss my walks. i miss spending time with my friends and family without feeling self conscious about how i look.
ugh i dont want to go down that road. im so sick of feeling sorry for myself whenever my family brings up my weight issues. cause when i start to feel down, i rebel and get into this self-destructive mode.
i need to stay positive. stop looking back so i can move forward.
i know losing 100 lbs is a huge goal, but im not going to let that intimidate me. i know it can be done, ive seen people on this site who has reached their goals as well as some people i know. im just gonna take it one day at a time. the past month of staying home with my baby, i've been on my ass. like sitting in front of this computer, watching all of the grey's anatomy episodes.. i also watched over 20 movies non stop and eating huge bags of potato chips! crazy stuff. but im done with that now. dont get me wrong, ive been busy taking care of her, but i am ready to take care of myself now. yesterday i went back up to the attic where i used to stay, and it looked like a mess. i havent hung out there since, well, june. the last time i was there i was still spending sleepless nights writing 20 page papers. i kinda miss school. i guess its safe to say that since school has been my life the last 4 years, i had some difficulty adjusting to a new frame of mind. anyhow, i took baby girl upstairs with me and started cleaning up a little. it felt good cause for the last 3 months i seem to have forgotten myself and being up there brought back memories, good memories, of the person that i was, am and who i want to be. baby girl also seemed intrigued to be up there in my old world. she kept looking around, wide-eyed, seeing everything for the first time. she didnt want to sleep but i could tell she was already tired. her head kept looking around. she always has that observer look. she also started staring intently at my face for a long time. it was kind of scary at first, but i thought it was cute. i smiled at her and she smiled back! that was the first time she did that. it was as if she had finally recognized me. but i digress... the point is, i'm going to start bringing her upstairs more often. i didnt realize how cramped i felt staying downstairs with my mom. i do need the space. ive been couped up in the room downstairs for so long now that i was failing to see the bigger picture. hanging out upstairs, i could do so much more. like play her my music, sing to her, and dance with her. i can also read her my books. we got to bond and she seemed to really like that, as she eventually knocked out in her sling with her head buried inside and arms hanging out. she looked so cute. oh and on the bonus side, i found my old chi kung packets and some recipes that alex gave me for the detoxification program as well as a list of fruits and vegetables, grains, seeds and nuts i need to incorporate in my diet. so im well on my way.
i feel the need to say something, but it seems that when ever i declare some sort of plan or goal, i usually fail myself. this is the most i've ever weighed in my life and i intend to keep it that way. this has got to be something like what someone would describe as hitting rock bottom. the past year has been life changing. i expected this change, but i didnt think it would be this drastic. from the very start of this year, my life has been swept away in a whirlwind. my boyfriend broke up with me, then i found out i was pregnant. we decided to get back together, was engaged for a month, then was dumped again. after months of constant drama, i finally graduated in june. the very next day, i found out my water broke and was confined in the hospital for 4 weeks. my baby was only 29 weeks, so she was in the hospital for another 6 weeks. it was definitely hard work. all the changes that was happening in my life that i was so unprepared for and all the heartache. but it wasnt just this particular event, its my whole life leading up to these moments. i know i have never been happy with my life because of this low self-esteem. i never felt good about how i looked. i was always self conscious. the weight gain started in high school and gained most of it in college, during and after i got out of the first serious relationship i was in. i was 160 lbs when i graduated high school, after my first serious relationship i was 205 lbs. i moved back home and started doing chi kung and i went down to 187lbs. i gained 10 lbs when i stopped doing chi kung and tai chi, and then i got pregnant. any how, this is too much information already. im just trying to think this through. i know i need to lose weight. im not happy with myself. i mean dont get me wrong, im happy with my baby girl and all that, but i want to feel good about how i look. i dont want to feel like a loser. the fat girl who is damaged and nobody wants because she is hideous. i am a beautiful person, this i know. my friends tell me i am beautiful all the time and even people i dont really know tell me this as well. i am great person, and i want to reach my highest potential, i want that beauty reflected on the outside. i want to feel good about who i am. i want to show the world who i really am inside and out. i want to feel proud, i want my confidence back. i want to be a good example to my child. i want to live a long, healthy and happy life.
