I'm back and totally pissed about it!

I'm back after a majorly long hiatus.  The reason for the disappearance?  I lost the weight I wanted to.  I felt good.  I was on top of the world and looking pretty hot.  Now?  I'm back to my old ways and totally up to no good.  I feel horrible.  So, here we go again for like the 100th time.  I know I can lose the weight, I'm just totally annoyed I even have to.  I wonder when I will finally just keep it off?

I'm celebrating!

One month down and I have lost 11.0lbs.  Tonight, I am celebrating.  I'm going out for some wine and sushi.  Amazingly enough, after all I have been denying myself over this past month and the one night I get to celebrate and eat whatever I want, I choose sushi (which really isn't that bad for you).  Maybe my tastes really are changing!

So, before I head out I want to quickly focus on this upcoming month.  It will help me keep my eyes on the prize as I head out for a night of indulgence. 

1.  Lose 6lbs by Andrew's graduation from Parris Island on the 22nd.

2.  Lose 10lbs by the end of the month.

3.  Start exercising.

4.  Stay strong and stress free while all the out-of-towners descend on you.

New Trick!

I know I haven't been on this in a while and quite frankly, I have a lot to say.  So, I have no excuse.  However, I will catch you up on everything in my next post.  Right now, I want to tell you about my new trick:  Red Onions.

When I eat red onions I feel like I have really eaten.  It has nothing to do with my stomach, but the lingering taste in my mouth makes me not hungry.  It makes me feel like I have eaten the most decadent of meals - one with garlic and cheese and whatever else that is tasty and lingering.  I have no cravings, I have no hunger pains, I have no desire to eat salty stuff.  It makes me at peace.

So, my new thing:  Add red onions to whatever makes sense. 

Good Day. Bad Night

So, today started off well and with good intentions.  I had some fruit for breakfast, salad with light dressing for lunch along with a Kashi bar and all the necessary water.  Then came dinner.  Since I am out of town, making healthy choices is a bit of a challenge.  So challenging in fact, I chose the frickin' Cheesecake Factory.  Inside the Cheesecake Factory, I chose edamame (good), pizza (bad), two glasses of wine (bad), and probably the most fattening cheesecake on the menu (very bad).  The only positive thing I can say about the whole experience is that I didn't eat all of any it (except the wine).  I ate two small pieces of pizza minus the pizza bone - I left it on the plate.  I only had two bites of cheesecake and then pushed it away.  Good for me, but unfortunately, I probably surpassed my daily calorie intake in that little bit.   And I can't say I made up for any of it with a workout today.  The snow is coming down too hard; and well, quite frankly, the only thing that is going to get me out of the hotel room is food.

Oh, and then to top it all off, I went to Sephora and proceeded to spend $170 on a bunch of makeup and lipgloss and who knows what else.  I don't know what I was tihinking - maybe I figure I'll make my face really pretty so maybe no one will notice my fat ass.

Ok - tomorrow will be a better day.  I will exercise even if it is colder than anything possible to sustain life, and I will eat right and find a way ti consumme more fiber.  I need more fiber.  I have been strugling with that while traveling.  Maybe I will go to the grocery store (like originally planned in my Sunday post from the wise seat of my own home) and get some health food for the room.

Everyone - good luck with your endeavors.  This sh*t is hard.  It sucks!  If I ever get down to 130 lbs, I promise never to get back to 160 ever again!

Am I Going Crazy?

I'm freaking out...

So, it's day one away from home and I don't have my scale to weigh myself.  I'm freaking out!  You see,  I need morning and nightly weigh ins.  It is what keeps me motivated.  If I drop, I am inspired to keep going.  If I don't drop, it makes me work harder the next day.  If I don't know, its like that whole what you don't know won't harm you line of thinking. 

So, my challenge for the next week is to just keep going even if I don't know what the numbers are.  (Either that or break down and go buy one at the closest Target).  Who knows?!?!  Maybe I will be seriously pleased with what a week's results look like and I will convert to one of those weekly weigh-in people.  Let's hope it turns out like that rather than the opposite... 

10 days later....

So, it has been an interesting 10 days.  I committed to losing weight on the 1st of the year (I think this is like the 13th year in a row ).  However, this year I did something a little differently.  I submerged myself in books and books on weight loss, health, vegetarianism, veganism, etc.  You would think by doing so one would be nothing but confused because of the mixed messages that each book sends.  However, I was able to piece it all together into one basic message:   A person is supposed to eat to nourish their bodies; and all that is needed to nourish our bodies is fruits and vegetables and a minimal  amount of whole grains.  So, I took that message and ran with it.  The result: 7 pounds in 7 days. I even successfully gave up Diet Coke and Wine -- something, I never thought I would do.  As a result, I have lost 1.5 inches off of my waist.  Yay me!

Speed bump ahead!  I travel for work next week which usually always means an indulgence in food, alcohol, and lack of sleep.  But, I have been planning ahead.  I have googled the closest health food store to my hotel as well as requested a refrigeraor for the hotel room so that I can store all the healthy foods in there and forfeit going out to eat.

I'll check back in a week upon my return.  Good luck to all of you.

Here we go again...

Oh, I love this time of year.  Not really, but kind of.  Not really because I always somehow set myself up for failure in all those New Year's Resolutions I set for myself that usually involve weight loss; but, also kind of because I do spend some quality time doing a little self reflection on who I am and how I live my life.  This self reflection helps me and every year I make a positive change regarding how I live my life. 

Something struck me this year, however, about these small changes I make to my life:  They all involve the way I treat something outside of me.  For instance, I decided one year that I wouldn't shop at Wal-Mart so that I could better support local business.  I succeeded that year and didn't shop at Wal-Mart once.  Another year, I vowed I would contribute my time and financial resources to a local non-profit group and ended up doing so with a passion I didn't know I had.  Last year, I promised I would be a better correspondent with friends and not be the forever, "Sorry I missed your birthday, but I've just been so busy,"  girl.  Astoundingly enough, I rekindled friendships I had let die out.

So, why is that when it comes to some sort of commitment to myself, I repeatedly let myslef down?  Is it because I don't commit to the right thing?  They say, "The things we need are never really all that hard to find."  So, why do I struggle to find what I think I need?  With this on my mind, the focus of my reflection as 2007 comes to a close is, "What is it I really need?"

Fortunately or unfortunately, it has come back to same thing it always has:  I  need to shed some pounds.  However, the thing that has changed this year is that I find the need to do so for health reasons.  In the past, it has always been for vanity.  Granted, I'm up to my old antics -- I mean I have just hung my skinny jeans on my refrigerator, after all.  But, this year I am thinking about my body - my skin, my bones, my organs, my joints, my mental health, and my energy level.  I feel toxic; and finally, it is not about the skinny jeans hanging on my refirgerator (though they do motivate and help with the positive "vision" thing), but it is about turning 30 this year and realizing that I am not getting any younger.  If I don't take action now, it is only going to get harder.  My realization is that my few extra pounds are keeping me from most everything I want to accomplish regardless of however trite or vain those accomplishments might be.   My realization is that my "few extra pounds" is and has been my master excuse for "not doing."  

So, in 2008, I resolve to eliminate my excuse(s). 

Hey Skinny Me!   I love you, and as I originally said when I started this blog -- I'm coming for you!       

Choking on a Popped Button!

So, I just read my two previous posts from months ago and judging from what I wrote, I felt pretty strongly about my need and desire to lose weight.  Apparently, that desire wasn't strong enough because if I had lost a pound then, it has definitely found its way back on. 

In fact, I just bent down to unroll a brand new rug that I purchased and popped the button off of my pants.  Unfortunately enough, they were pants I wore to work today.  Hopefully, no one noticed that they were probably a little too tight and hopefully no one noticed the back fat or the muffin top seeping over my waist line.  But, somehow I doubt it.  I always seem to notice it on others and I'm one of the nice ones. 

Anyway, after the dog almost choked on the popped button, I decided it was time to rejoin this support group.  She must have thought it was a Honey Nut Cheerio.  I tend to drop a lot of those.   Not anymore!

A cruel irony

So, Day 1 is winding down.  It has been a good first day.  Good enough to motivate me into my 2nd day, at least.  The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  I exercised with my dogs, enjoyed reading a book on the porch, visited with the neighbors, and watered the newly planted flowers.  All in all, I'm winding down the day feeling refreshed and motivated.

Something happened to me today that has made me feel differently than I have in the past about losing weight.  First of all, I started a diet on a Sunday.  I mean, who does that?!?!  But, I figured all other times I have dieted I have always started on a Monday.  Since none of those have worked for me, I thought I would try something else.  In all seriousness though, I tried to do some relflecting and some soul searching about the real reasons I wanted to lose weight and more importantly, the real reasons I had gained the weight.

To make a long story short, I could list all of the reasons I wanted to lose weight.  It took no time at all.  After all, this was supposed to be a journey about me finding the real me again.  What I struggled with was why I had gained the weight in the first place.  Thinking back, I couldn't name even one  of the usual reasons I had gained the weight such as stress eating, etc.

Then it sort of hit me -- the cruel irony of time and how my weight gain had happened so gradually.  It appeared some things just started to fall by the wayside and be replaced by other things.  Since it was so gradual, I hardly noticed the change.  Kind of like growing older -- one day you just realize that it isn't that easy to get  up off the floor  or stand from a bending position.  I saw pictures of myself and could hardly believe it was me.  I didn't see that person when I looked in the mirror.  I mean granted, I had a whole closet full of clothes that didn't fit me and hadn't in years, but surely I couldn't look like I did in the picture. 

Now, I think time has finally caught up with me.  I feel fat and I no longer need a picture to tell me how I look.  I know how I look becasue I can feel it.  The cruel irony of this is that I want to be skinny tomorrow.  My Mom always said, "You don't put it on overnight and it won't come off over night."  She was right.   How cruel.