snow then ice

I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland, which means that my plans on going shopping are out the window.  We only got about an inch of snow but then the clouds rolled away and it all froze.  So now I am in the house wondering what I will do and the thing that comes to mind is mindless eating.  It is what I would do when I am bored.  Sometimes I find myself standing at the fridges open door. Looking for what?  Something to do?  Something to make me feel good?  Probably all of those and more.  No more of that!!  I will have to talk myself out of that today.  I hope one day I wont have to talk myself out of it.  It will just be normal not to do it.

make it last

Last night my husband went to the store to get ice cream.  So I bout one of the smart ones frozen icecream things, and ate that with a baby spoon.  It worked out really well.  I didnt have to watch my hubby eat while I could have nothing.  It was my own little treat that I could have without feeling guilty. 

the only way

One of my biggest problems is that after a while of doing something I lose interest or I lose motivation.  I always used to think that there is a faster and easier way to lose the weight quick. There isnt.  This is a lesson that took me about 7 years to comprehend.  If I dont do this, the weight wont come off.  There is no miracle pill,  miracle diet or miracle exercise.  I kept on waiting for something to happen to me to lose weight when I am the one who has to do it.  Force myself.  Now I have been telling myself that if I do this I will lose the weight, if not nothing will change and that there is no other way, its this or be fat. 

weight watchers

I started weight watchers last night.  I am trying to set myself up so I have every thing I need to have success.  My first day has gone really well.  I want to do this life change and do it right.  My weigh in was about what I expected,  with clothes and tom showing up that morning.  Hopefully I will have a big loss for the next weigh in.

Realization

I woke up with a good head this morning.  Which means that I didnt feel like eating a candy bar as soon as I opened my eyes.  My weight wasnt as bad as I thought it would be.  I was sure that it would be over 220 but it wasnt, close but not over.  Thats good!  So here I go again losing those same 10 lbs for the 4th time.  I saw a commercial for the biggest loser couples and heard a woman say that she wants to lose weight before her child realizes that she is fat.  Then I realized that I dont want my fiver year old to realize that I am so fat.  Or to hear her say to another kid "my mommy is fat".  It makes me feel bad just thinking about it happening.  I think that will be a good motivater.  She is going to start school this year, and I dont want me or her to be embarassed about me being fat fat fat.

Losing the same 10 lbs.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning.  I have totally put my goals out of my mind and went to na na land.  Now I am going to have to deal with the consequences of foolish actions.    Total Bummer!!  I hope I can lose the 10 lbs again that I have gained.  How many times will I lose these same 10 lbs?  If I count how many times I have lost them, I would be over half way to my goal.   I never finish what I start.  I have half of a curtain I was sewing done, so only one side is up on the window.  (totally looks like broke down white trash)  I have half of a crochet baby blanket done.  3/4 of a quilt.  Half of my flower garden weeded.  Only 3 spark plugs out of six changed in my van.  A pile of laundry thats clean, but not folded.  I could go on for weeks.  So, new goals are in oreder I think. 

#1  Finish Baby Blanket by end of January.

#2 Lose 10 lbs by febuary 3.

There, 2 goals should by something I can accomplish right?  Only 2, I can do 2 things in one month.  Just 2 no more, no less.

Why?

Why do I panic when I am trying to change?  Its like a nervous twitch but instead its stuffing my mouth with food.  Man oh man do I backslide, and when I do, I do it with a vengence.  I eat everything I want and damn the consequences.  Then I come back to reality and damn myself for having no will power. 

Why is it so hard to stay on track?

I have been off and on again  over and over.  I cant seem to stick to my plan.  My husband has decided to lose weight, and he will, because when he decides to do something he does it.  Which means I am worried that he will loose all the weight he wants and I will loose a few pounds and thats it.  My will power sucks.  I look at my husband and I think that I dont belong with him because I am so overweight.  He could have some skinny cute woman, and instead he is stuck with me.  Our vacation next year includes going on rides and swimming in a water park.  I dont want to go as fat as I am, but I cant seem to get myself to stick with anything.  I am so tired of failing that I just want to give up.  If I dont start I cant fail. 

Yo-Yo

Okay, if you look at my weight graph you can see how much that I am yo yoing.  The good thing is that I dont reach the weight I started at and then some.  Two steps forward and one step back.  Which means two times as long to loose the weight.  A new season of the biggest loser has started and I am going to try to stick with it by following along with them.  I know I cant loose as much as they do in one week, but I am going to try to loose something every week even if it is only a little.  I want to stick with it till the end and maybe loose 20 lbs. 

Exactly who am I?

I have no clue.  I am in this funk right now.  A feeling of restlessness(is that right).  I feel as though I am waiting for my life to start.  Do you know the feeling?  I am waiting to get what I want and then start having this incredible life.  Then I also know that I am wasting time waiting for my life to begin.  I am living it now and this is what I get.  How do I get over this?  I dont know exactly.  As to the weight losing,  we are financially in the crapper so I have binged to make myself feel a little happiness in all the worrying and negotiating and creditors calling.    I think my husband and I are at a low point in our marriage.  They come and go, but when they come I feel as if I am in a hole, with a pinprick of light above me.  Maybe a little suffocating thrown down  there with me.  Hubby is going on his hunting trip tomorrow.  I am a little pissed, he gets this vacation and I get squat! No break from the monotony of my life.  I think that his vaca has to do something with my mood to.  There is no almost no money to buy groceries, but there is money for him to go stay in a hotel, buy food, gas, arrows and everything else!  There, I have vented my frustration and anger.!!   Ahhggg!!!!!