Bloggedy blog blog blog....

Well, not much going on today.  Another Friday in my world.  I am going to do something daring though....I am cutting my hair WAAAAAAAAY short tonight.  Like a form of the haircut that Victoria Beckam wears.  Yep.  Short.  I wanted to try something new and different....and sassy.  And as my boyfriend points out, it will grow back.  So if I don't like it, I will wear hats for a while until it grows.  lol.

This week has been a good one.  The scale moves down every day and I am in the zone.  I am keeping on pace...and like I said...as long as the scale is going  in the right direction on a consistent basis, then I am all good. :)

I hope everyone had a good week.  For those of you struggling, hang in there....the mojo comes back. 

Onward and Downward!!

xoxoKBB

Another day....another pound.

Well, last week, I was back to 203.5 (ugh!!  That was in the wrong direction!!  lol)....and so I did not log my WI....because TOM was in the house and I knew that it was not 'real' weight.  lol.

So I lost a pound, technically...but from last week, I actually lost 6.3....but it counts from my start weight of 201.5 start weight....

Anyway, I am proud to say that the scale is lower this week....and that has been my goal.  And I accomplished that this week!!  Yeay!!

Onward and Downard!

xoxoKBB

Changed my blog to go with my new attitude!!

Why is it we have these moments of 'on' and 'off'?  We are foodies...no one can deny that.   So what makes us so 'on our game' one day and the next, it is like the cookie monster has taken over our body.  ME WANT FOOD!!!  lol.  If I had the answer to that, I would be a millionaire...and of course I would share it with you all for a discounted fee.  lmao. :)

Anyway....last week was not so good because TOM is in the house but my body has finally recovered and I should have a loss on Tuesday.  I did not get on the scale last Tuesday because I knew that it was not pretty....nor was it a real gain.  So I just decided to give myself a pass on the time when I can not control what my body does.  TOM blows but the loss after it usually does not.  lol. 

The other thing is that I do realize that I have to make exercise a for health thing....not a for diet thing.....so I am working on being more consistent.  I have also decided to not run/jog for a while.....and to do exercise that keeps me in the fat burning zone.  Walking.  I am varying speeds and inclines.  I have walking workouts that are designed for The Judge....so I am doing those.  And once I am about 10 to 15 pounds from goal...then I will implement some sort of jogging/running combination to kick it into high gear.  :)

I am feeling confident.  Comfortable in my skin.  Like I am moving forward at a pace I can accept.  I want to get to goal.  I have wanted to get to goal time and time again.   Yet, I have not yet done what it takes to get there.  I am more than half way...... but I have yet to reach that illusive number....150.....so for now, I am not aiming for a number...not setting a goal....not setting a target.  I am just saying that I am going to eat healthier, exercise and make it a point to have a lower number on the scale each week....even if it is only by a decimal point amount. :) 

Onward and Downward!!!

xoxo

Whew!!

I am happy to report a 3.2 pound loss.

And that I am again a resident of Onederland. 

That's all for now!!

xoxo

Yes. It really is me......

Is it really the end of August already?  Man...that means that Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday time will be here before we know it.  The time just flies.

I am sitting here eating some microwave popcorn and I have my 60 ounce mug that I just refilled (go me) and so I thought, "Gee...it has been a looooooooong time since my last blog"....so here I am.....giving ya'll an update.

As you can see from my weight chart....which I have updated to reflect my WI of last Tuesday, I have gained a little bit.....20 pounds to be exact....from the last time I posted my weight in May. 

Wow.

Isn't it amazing how hard it is to get off one little teeeeeensy pound and yet....it takes no time flat to put back on 20.  3.5 months to be exact.  3.5 months of not wanting to think about anything that is food or exercise related.....3.5 months of not counting a single point, calorie, gram of fat or how many times a day I am eating.  Go me. 

Well, a lot of good that did me, right?  So here I am.  But today, I have come back to you with a slight change in attitude.  There are things I will no longer do.....like, for example, eat low fat or fat free products (except for milk).  I find that deprivation is NOT the right thing for me.  lol.  I get wound up reeeeeeeeally tight and then BAM...the out of control monster is in the HOUSE!!  lol. 

I have also learned that not getting on the treadmill is a baaaaaad thing (thanks Linda for pointing that out!!).  Something that I have to become one with is the fact that exercise is for HEALTH and not for just when you are on a 'diet'.  Yep, ladies and gentlemen....you heard it here first!!  lol.  :)  Exercise is something I will have to do for the rest of my freaking life.  *sigh*.  So sad but true. 

So that leads me to where I am now......I am not doing one particular thing that is going to magically make it all disappear.  I am doing a program that is perfect and right for me.  I am combining all of my knowledge of points and calories and just taking the approach of weighing in every week AND making sure that the scale goes in the downward direction each time.  That is my goal.  Losing weekly.  Even if it is .2 pounds.   The fact of the matter is that I know what I need to eat on a daily basis....what the quantity of food and what kind of food.....that gets the scale to move down.    It is not some low carb, fat free, food free....taste free....formula.  It is about quantity.  I am a quantity girl.  So there is the fact.  When I cut down the quantity, the weight comes off....and pretty effortless at that. 

There is no time like the present to get back on the main drag.    I have never left the road....I just took a pretty detour and traveled  to the same place in a roundabout way.  lol.  That is the thing about me, though....I always end up back on the road again.....

200 pounds is my kill switch...that is the place where I say enough is enough.  I wish that this time I had corrected the problem sooner....but I did not.  So now I am back here again and have to start from the start.  I have my first WI tomorrow so I will let everyone know how it goes.

But the other thing I am finding is that I have learned a little thing about obsession. When you constantly think about, write about, talk about something......it can hinder you from getting to your destination.  When you so heavily wrap yourself up in being fat and what it takes to be fat or not be fat...or what to eat or not to eat every second of the day......I find that is part of my problem.  See, skinny people don't obsess about, write about, think about food...every second of the day like we do.  So wouldn't it make sense to emulate them a little bit and see if that works???  So although I will continue to share with you during this wonderful time of being on the road....it probably won't be as often.....just because for me....I really need to not focus so heavily on every bite, lick and taste that I put in my mouth....and I just need to focus on being healthy, happy and lean.  :)

Thanks for listening as always!!!  :)

xoxoKBB

A funhouse version of me.....

So I went to the movies today.  We saw A Mighty Heart and 1408.  Both were great in different ways. 

Anyway....I was on the phone in the lobby (a friend of mine and her DH are getting back together...good news!!!)......and I turned to my left.  And there was a large circular  post..... covered with a mirror.  But the way that the mirror was....it was rounded and gave the appearance of a funhouse mirror. A distorted version of myself....but not in a bad way.  It showed me long and lean.  Thin.  Skinny.  And for a moment, my breath left from me.  "Is that what I would look like if I were skinny" I mused? 

I feel so  small today.....seeing that distorted image of myself....knowing what I really look like. That I have gained probably 8-10 pounds in the last 5-6 weeks.....weeks that I have not blogged....posted to my friends on WW.com because the truth is that if I avoid here and WW.com, then I won't have to think about the success that I am not having.  The road I am not traveling on.   The feelings that are not there right now.  And the feelings that are there that are allowing me to eat Red Vines, HoHo's, Suzie Q's, McDonalds breakfast sandwiches....and pretty much everything in between.  Then I don't have to think about how I have not exercised in over a month.

I have had stressors in my life....had some financial challenges but those are getting better.  Stress at home because of the financial issues, but those are a little better too.  I want to get married.  The BF is not proposing although he continuiously states that he wants to marry me.  2.5 years we have been together....own a house and cars together....and yet he still does not ask.  Was going to ask this weekend but because of the finances....his plan was thwarted and hence, I am still just his girlfriend. 

These are the things that tear at me from the insides so that I just open my mouth and let whatever I can fall in, so that I don't have to deal with what wants to come out. 

Thank god for my friends who listen to me bitch endlessly about how frustrated I am with some things going on with me.   But ultimately, aren't I the one responsible for all that happens, hand to mouth?  The answer is yes.

So there has to be a point, after being out of control for so long, that you take your power back.  My power has been completely gone for a while.  I have felt a little helpless, although that is not real....because it is always up to me whether to choose the easy way or what is good for me.

So I bought my yogurt, carrots and apples for work.  I have the LC's ready to go and tomorrow is the day I am choosing to be day 1 again. 

There have been many day 1's in my journey that has lasted 4 years and one month almost to the day.  I don't know if we every really 'get' it because a lot of us go back to our 'ways'.  lol.  But I guess that the learning....the lesson....is getting the control back SOONER than last time....so that the damage is less and the recovery time is shorter.   I don't know where this leads me but I am a strong woman and I will continue to overcome these obsticles. 

I have friends who have plugged through and just did what they needed to do to get the weight off, once and for all, and have maintained through the tough times.  I envy them.  One friend in particular, lost all of her weight like a Nazi woman and has not gained back an ounce.  She still journals every day...and has EXTREME control over her maintenance.  I don't know if that will ever be me. 

I am comfortable at this weight.  Where I am right now is a comfortable place for me because I can eat what I want and pretty much stay here (that is after I gain to get back here....lol).  But it is time to stop letting the weight creep back on.....because the last time I did this, I saw 199.8 on my doctors scale and that scared me straight.

I don't know how long it will take me to get back on track, but I really am feeling gross....and that is usually the point where I hop back on the wagon and make my next attempt at a go at it. 

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.  Seeing that 'skinny' me was so weird.....I wondered if I ever really could be able to look like that.  I know the answer is yes because I have BEEN there before......so now it is time to make the choice to reign it in.

xoxoKBB

Is she dead??? No....because then she would be thinner.....

Yeah. I said it. 

Well, it has been a while, my peeps.

First of all, let me address the gameshow issue.  lol.  I am still waiting to be called for the filming.  The first few taped and now I am waiting for the rest of the episodes to be picked up so I can tape my show!!  It is a lot of hurry up and wait but how FUN!!!!  lol.

Oh, and the show is called "Don't Forget the Lyrics"  Wayne Brady is hosting.  Yep!!  Sooooo cool!!

Now....as for other stuff....I just don't have time right now.  I am off to have dinner with some friends that I have not seen in a long time where I will UNDOUBTEDLY eat way more food than I want to.  But that rumbling is there in my heart to stop running behind the wagon yelling for it to stop and WAIT FOR ME......so that is a good sign.  It has been about a month since I have been OP.  I went to WI but have not looked at the book yet for fear of what I will see.  Just hoping the gain is not in the double digits.  Oh...and I PROMISE to be a better blogger and friend. 

Life has been crazy.  Work has been crazier.  But I PROMISE my lovies, PROMISE that I will write more very very very very soon!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

xoxo

Bad girl....bad bad girl!!!

Okay...so the rehearsal for Monday did not go.  They called me and said that it had changed (and gotta love TV) and told me to wait for another call from  them to tell me what was next. 

So yesterday I got a call and I am going to a rehearsal on Monday from 2:30pm into the evening!!!!  So I am excited.

On the losing front, things are not going so well.  I saw a number on my home scale that I did NOT like AT all.   So I promised QH that come Tuesday (had to modify it because of the show....will not be able to get on The Judge that day QH) back in the saddle again.  I go through these times and then I get back on track.....and  I just know these things about myself.   So come Tuesday, back on the treaddy. :)

Well, that is my update for now.....so when I get a chance, I will blog about it on Tuesday. SO stay tuned...........

xoxoKBB

Oh YEAY BABY!!!! And p.s. Challenges are evil. Never. Again.

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen.  Boys and Girls.  I would like to say that today I got a call.  You know...the one I have been waiting for?  And guess what. 

Monday, I am going to the studio for the run through.  So guess what??  YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  I still can't believe that this is happening to little ole me.  Once I get more news on Monday, I will let you know. 

And as for challenges...no.  more.  They are a great way for me to sabotage.  It is like once I say that word challenge, I am SKREWED!!!  lol.  So let's just say, no WI last weekend.  Open mouth, insert food.  Nuff said.  Waking up from the food coma and trying to get out of it.  *shakes groggy head*

However, I got the best news in the world today and I am so freaking excited!!!!!!!!!! YEAY!!!!  I will let you know how Monday is!!  THINK GOOD THOUGHTS!!!

xoxoKBB

Hey everyone!!1

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I got THE call and things are looking good!!!!  When I have more of the specific details, I will let you know.  I had an agreement to sign so I can't really talk much about the process but from the calI I got today, everyone LOVED me (their words) and so I am off for final approval.  I know a little more but can't really say much more at this point.  :)

I am excited and I can't believe how close I am at doing something this cool in my life.  Things will move pretty quickly at this point so I will keep you all posted as I know more info!!!

xoxoKBB!!! :)