Those moments....
Sometimes on this journey we have 'those moments'. Moments of clarity. Moments when we realize something about ourselves or just plain moments where we 'get' something that we did not get before.
I guess that this journey is filled with these things. Here I sit, almost 5 years from when I started on my WW journey. I started June 3, 2003. A few months after I had my son...who just turned 5 in March. And one of my moments today consists of realizing how long I have been doing this and have yet to get to the end of this part of the road.
I am not on WW any longer. But I am on Calorie King and I county my calories instead of points. So basically the same thing. I have a workout buddy that I exercise with 2 times per week.
I was on strong for about 2 years and got to my lowest weight of 175. But my life took turns and twists. My journey has been long and hard. And I have yet to get to my goal weight of 150. I was so close and then, I let it, over time, slip away from me. And I got back to 223 in January. I can honestly say that I thought I would have been here by now. But this is a journey in every sense of the word. This journey has been full of a baby growing up, getting a divorce, finding a new place to live and a job after not working for 2 years, finding new love in my life, having a major illness that required surgery and recovery, buying a house, my income being cut in half, our financial life going down the tubes...losing a home. That is a lot to go through in just 5 years. And when I type that all out I realize why this is called a journey. Life is a journey with only one final destination. It is what you do in the middle that counts.
The first little while that I have been back on track was hard because of all of the things I could eat over. Money. Stress and more stress. But those are all excuses to not do what I needed to do. And although I have lost quite a bit of weight since I started back to eating better and exercise, I have not fulfilled what my potential is. I have lost 11.3 pounds since January 2nd. And I know I could have done better. But on the flip side of that same coin, I could have done a lot worse.
I have been trying to figure out what has been holding me back. I have a wedding dress to get into...although I bought the right size and it is a corset so I can go down about 3 sizes without alterations. I want to be much thinner by the time I have a baby because being almost 300 pounds at delivery with my last one was no fun so that is not something I want to repeat. So what is holding me back??
The truth is, I don't really know. I don't know how I let all of these pounds creep back on in the first place. 2 gained became 5 gained became 10. And next thing I knew I was back where I said I would *never* be again. Over 200 pounds. But for some reason, in the last 2 weeks, something switched. Last week, I lost 2.8. And this week, I am on track for at least another 2 pounds. I added one more day of exercise a week (making it 3 now) and I modified my lunch time meal to have less calories. That is working. But I think that the other part of it is that I finally got my mind in the game.....if that makes sense.
I am the only one in control of my eating and exercise. I guess another part of it was my honey. He is the most awesome man I know but we have had so much stress lately with everything that has gone on. One of the things he has been doing to try to 'help' me is ask me about what I am eating and if I am going to exercise and when, etc. I felt monitered. I felt like he was watching everything I did and it was making me very conscious and I didn't even realize it. And he was just trying to be helpful because I have told him that I want his support. But I realized that one of the things I didn't want was someone to play food police. I write down what I eat. I get my workouts in. But if I feel I am being constantly scouted, it thwarts my efforts. So this weekend, I finally told him that. I told him that I appreciate what his intention was but it was hurting me. I actually said that. "What you are doing is not helping me. It is hurting me". He was surprised a little bit but told me that he was sorry and that he was just trying to help. I guess he didn't realized that I need SUPPORT not the FP. lol. I felt like he was on my back all the time and he though he was helping. And in a way, I understood what his intention was but it was not what I needed and I spoke up. And since then, it has been easier for me. It is so interesting what triggers us, you know? And we don't even realize it.
I don't really know where all of this is going. I just feel like I have so much to say and I know I can come and share it here.
But my *moment* that I had today was simply this. I will get there. And there is no clock running. I am not in a race. I just have to simply continue to do the things that I am doing right now to get the losses that I have been the last few weeks and I WILL GET THERE. I don't have to be *perfect*. If I am looking for perfection, then I will fail. There is no doubt about that.
So for those of you who are struggling today, let's all say it together. WE WILL GET THERE. We are not on a clock. Persistance, not perfection.
That's it. And I realized something else....I have blogged 3 days in a row. I think that is because I don't feel like hiding anymore. And I know that I will succeed. And I know you are all here for me. And I thank you.
xoxo
KBB