Confessions of a Fat Girl......

So the truth is that I am almost back in a body that I was in so long ago.  Yes...I started at 253 and yes...I am down to 218.whatever.  But I was at 175....and not that long ago.  And I maintained for so long.  And then the pounds just crept back on.  It is so strange how you see other people gain some of their weight back and so easily say, "....but I will never let that happen to me..." and then one day BAM....it is you.

So today I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands and I looked up at my reflection in the mirror.  And I am fat again.  Yes....less fat than some and fatter than others....but fat still nonetheless.  I remember starting out at 253.6 and getting to the weight I am now and CELEBRATING.  Being so happy that I  was so close to Onederland.  That my clothes were all fitting better and I felt really good at this weight.

Isn't life just so subjective?

And now I am *back* somewhere I used to be happy about....but I am not so happy this time.  My clothes are not fitting so well.  I am irritated.  I am angry.  I am frustrated.  And most of all, I am disappointed.  I could have stopped this at any point....but I did not.  I remember thinking that I would *never* be over 200 pounds again....but I am.  NOT that the weight I am at is bad....it is a great accomplishment for many on this journey.  But for me....from where I have been and want to be.....let's just suffice to say that it is somwhere I never wanted to be again.

But I am.

So, now what?  That is what I ask myself.  Now what? 

Well, now I have gotten on the train that I am going to do it 'this time'......whatever that means.  I guess what it means is watch everything that goes in my mouth......again.....for the hundredth time.....and hope that when I get there again, I never fall backward.  It is frustrating.  It is humbling.  And most of all, it is motivating.  I look at old pictures of myself....not even THAT old.....and I see how great I looked when I really wanted to be even thinner.  And I am now 40 pounds away from there again......and 69 pounds from where I ultimately want to be. 

Damn.  Frustrating. 

Sorry for my seemingly crappy attitude.  Actually, I am just frustrated and wanted to vent a little bit. 

I hope everyone is having a great day!!

And congrats again Carolyn!!  You are *truly* an inspiration to me when I need it the most...which is right now.  lol.

Onward and downward,

KBB

Carrie!

Your words are so true.. we all say it will never be me.  2 years ago i was where you are now.  I had lost around 40 and gained back almost 50. 

BUT here i am again, and ive lost over 70... YOU CAN DO THIS! Second times a charm.

You are a strong, amazing woman with the willpower and strength to get through this.  If i were there id be holding your shoulders and looking you scary-straight in the eye saying this.

Youre beautiful and you deserve to FEEL beautiful.  Listen you have my email and i can always give you my number for when you need a pick me up.  I text my girlfriends all the time with little blurbs of positive kicks. " You are gorgeous honey and dont you forget it, if i were a dude, id do ya".  Thats what i sent my girl hillary today.. yah i know im strange.. but it makes us both laugh.

Keep on truckin lady,  i love you!

I feel ya!

I agree with everything you've posted.  I have felt this way many times.  But what you have to tell yourself is that you CAN and WILl do this.  You can't compare it to any other attempt in the past.  And you can't think about....what if I hadn't gained..... You know.  Call it a veggie and move on with your life.  You are going to be such a beautiful bride!  I hope you know that.

hey there

So I finally made my way back to this site again, due to a comment from Shelley. I didn't know you were posting here again.  Lots of hugs sweetness! I know this wasn't where you wanted to be, but you will be down to that sexy momma picture once again - I know it!

love you lots & can't wait to see you soon!!   oh I posted a new blog after 3 1/2 months gone..... maybe this is the start of being in a better place, I sure hope so.

CYL!