So I went to the movies today. We saw A Mighty Heart and 1408. Both were great in different ways.
Anyway....I was on the phone in the lobby (a friend of mine and her DH are getting back together...good news!!!)......and I turned to my left. And there was a large circular post..... covered with a mirror. But the way that the mirror was....it was rounded and gave the appearance of a funhouse mirror. A distorted version of myself....but not in a bad way. It showed me long and lean. Thin. Skinny. And for a moment, my breath left from me. "Is that what I would look like if I were skinny" I mused?
I feel so small today.....seeing that distorted image of myself....knowing what I really look like. That I have gained probably 8-10 pounds in the last 5-6 weeks.....weeks that I have not blogged....posted to my friends on WW.com because the truth is that if I avoid here and WW.com, then I won't have to think about the success that I am not having. The road I am not traveling on. The feelings that are not there right now. And the feelings that are there that are allowing me to eat Red Vines, HoHo's, Suzie Q's, McDonalds breakfast sandwiches....and pretty much everything in between. Then I don't have to think about how I have not exercised in over a month.
I have had stressors in my life....had some financial challenges but those are getting better. Stress at home because of the financial issues, but those are a little better too. I want to get married. The BF is not proposing although he continuiously states that he wants to marry me. 2.5 years we have been together....own a house and cars together....and yet he still does not ask. Was going to ask this weekend but because of the finances....his plan was thwarted and hence, I am still just his girlfriend.
These are the things that tear at me from the insides so that I just open my mouth and let whatever I can fall in, so that I don't have to deal with what wants to come out.
Thank god for my friends who listen to me bitch endlessly about how frustrated I am with some things going on with me. But ultimately, aren't I the one responsible for all that happens, hand to mouth? The answer is yes.
So there has to be a point, after being out of control for so long, that you take your power back. My power has been completely gone for a while. I have felt a little helpless, although that is not real....because it is always up to me whether to choose the easy way or what is good for me.
So I bought my yogurt, carrots and apples for work. I have the LC's ready to go and tomorrow is the day I am choosing to be day 1 again.
There have been many day 1's in my journey that has lasted 4 years and one month almost to the day. I don't know if we every really 'get' it because a lot of us go back to our 'ways'. lol. But I guess that the learning....the lesson....is getting the control back SOONER than last time....so that the damage is less and the recovery time is shorter. I don't know where this leads me but I am a strong woman and I will continue to overcome these obsticles.
I have friends who have plugged through and just did what they needed to do to get the weight off, once and for all, and have maintained through the tough times. I envy them. One friend in particular, lost all of her weight like a Nazi woman and has not gained back an ounce. She still journals every day...and has EXTREME control over her maintenance. I don't know if that will ever be me.
I am comfortable at this weight. Where I am right now is a comfortable place for me because I can eat what I want and pretty much stay here (that is after I gain to get back here....lol). But it is time to stop letting the weight creep back on.....because the last time I did this, I saw 199.8 on my doctors scale and that scared me straight.
I don't know how long it will take me to get back on track, but I really am feeling gross....and that is usually the point where I hop back on the wagon and make my next attempt at a go at it.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Seeing that 'skinny' me was so weird.....I wondered if I ever really could be able to look like that. I know the answer is yes because I have BEEN there before......so now it is time to make the choice to reign it in.
xoxoKBB
Posted By: agentinaction
Comments to this post:
07/02/2007 08:52
Day 1
Maybe we should treat every day like Day 1. Then the motivation will always be there. But really, you're not starting over because you never gave up. There are detours in this journey. We all take them. And sometimes a new road will open up. We thought we knew the way and then our way is under construction. You'll get to goal. We both will!
Sorry there's so much going on for you right now. It makes things VERY hard. But nobody ever said it would be easy.
what an honest post.... I hope that the switch has flipped for you and you are ready to plug on in earnest again.
Sorry about the stress. I also am a stress eater. I can be rocking along just fine and then... BAM... something happens and I can only feel better after my tummy feels worse. I think that this is the heart of the real battle with weight that people like you and me face.
Be patient with bf. From our previous conversations, it sounds like you have decided that he is worth the wait. Things will level out again... or they won't and you will adjust and move on. Someone once told me that I should live my life by deisgn and not default. Who was that? Oh yeah, it was my good friend Karrie.
You've made the first step - actually GIANT LEAP - by posting your feelings here. I'm glad you realize that it is all up to you - only you have control over your body and your future. I KNOW you can do this!
I'm sorry to hear you're under so much stress right now. I know how hard it can be to stay on track. It's okay to have many Day 1's in the past, and trying is better than doing nothing at all. This is a lifestyle change that is never supposed to end and once we do reach our goal, we still have to work on it to maintain it and take care of ourselves. Don't give up and keep trying.
KBB- Sorry about the stressors in your life and the high calorie yummy things that have been passing through your lips. I know what you are saying. I have been up for the past 4 weeks too and tonights wi will still have be above. But I'm trying now too, and we can only take it one day at a time.
For some reason, you and I are REALLY in this thing together. . REALLY. Look at our blogs. . we are in the same place. And it is amazing. The only difference is that I'm in Texas (and married with 2 children) and you are in California and wishing to marry the love of your life with 1 child. Other than that, the similarities are ENDLESS. . . down to the breaking point of losing focus, gaining weight, and starting over. So here I am, my friend, ready to travel this road with you. I should give you my phone number. We could call each other in our moments of weakness.
You can do this. Like Rose said...you have only 31 pounds to go...that is AMAZING! I am proud of you...and of course, cant wait to see the show either!
You know that I am always here for you and that I care for you and your well being. Maybe we can start walking or doing something soon to make exercise more fun for both of us. Even if only 1 day per week.
I finally decided to get back to EP -- and want you to know I'm here for you (((((hug))))). Every day is Day 1 for me. I will never be safe from temptation -- I admire our friend who did/does it and will likely never relapse. But, one day at a time, no. If today wasn't your day, you have a fresh chance tomorrow.
From the girl who was way off track for the past 5 months, to the one that's been off the track for a few weeks -- we can both reach goal, we can both do it. We know the tricks of the trade. You know why you're doing what you're doing and that's half the battle. I'm here for you...
