Truly hungry for success.....

Today I am hungry. Truly hungry.   Hungry, mostly, for all things that are bad for me.  Things like chocolate cake….cheesecake…..cookies…..main dishes with lots of buttery cream sauce…..Hostess Suzie Q’s…Oreo’s…..The usual things that I crave when I am feeling an out of control moment coming.

I don’t know why I am having a little bit of a hard time today....just feeling on the verge of being a little out of control and trying to figure out why.  Trying not to teeter so much on the edge and step off of the ledge between control and lack thereof.   But as much as I wanted to go to BJ's Pizza at lunch time (it was right there, after all) and have a yummy pizza with artichoke and spinach on it, a pazookie and a Diet Coke to wash it down, I did not.  I had my lean cuisine and pretended like it was chocolate cake....trying to not go on a bend.

This must be what any other kind of addict feels.  We are addicts, really, aren’t we??  Addicted to the food...to the feeling that we think that food will give us when we are done and yet it never does.  It has control over us…..power that we give it for some reason or another, you know?  Well, of course you know….that is why you are here too, right??

So instead of eating what I wanted, I took myself to that feeling at the end of the out of control eating….....the feeling when I am done of being full, but not satisfied.  Because truly I am never satisfied at the end and continue the eating thinking that somewhere in the bottom of that ice cream container, I will find what I have been looking for.  But I never do. 

I wanted to skip the middle part....the part where I stuffed my face with all of those things that I thought would make me feel better but didn't, and get to the part where I realize that it will not calm my nerves.  It will not ease frustration.  It will not help or fix anything.  It just will counteract all of the effort that I have given over all of this time.   I feel a little stuck again….I am doing some damage control from last weekend.  I had social events (a wedding and a dinner out with friends on the same day) which is always hard for me.  

I have to remember that all of the foods that I want, crave, desire….they will continue to be there….they are not going anywhere.  I am never going to get to eat all of the food I want to and stay at my goal weight once I get there.  I will always have to monitor my eating.  Even if I eventually stop counting points and living a ‘normal’ thin persons life, I am still going to have to keep myself in check.  I am still going to have to watch what I put in my mouth.  Maintenance will NOT be easy. 

Also, maintenance brings on some whole new challenges.  When the fanfare from goal has died down and the kudos are gone and the atta-girls are few and far between, what then?  When the weekly excitement of getting on the scale to see what I have accomplished is over…then what?  I know….life.  Live the rest of my life as a normal healthy and person who is a ‘normal’ weight.  What do we do when we can’t obsess about our weight anymore?  I mean, what is at the end for us when the rah rah’s are gone?? 

That is an interesting question.  Perhaps that is one of the things holding me back…the question of “Now what??”  Maybe, just maybe, I like the journey more than the destination?  Hmmmmm…..interesting thought.   I guess that maybe that does hold some fear for me.  Maybe that is something that holds me here…a weight that I have easily been able to maintain for a long time.  I am in a comfort zone right now.   Yes, I have lost 12 pounds since the beginning of the year but I feel comfortable here.

So I guess that is why I bought the dress in a size that I know I can get to but am afraid to accomplish…..what will getting there actually mean for me.  I truly have no idea.  I have not been 155 in about 10 years…..150 or less since high school…..

I believe that the only way that I will really get there is if I don’t have my binge day…because honestly, that is what it is.  If I don’t put ‘restrictions’ on myself and just use my points and flex like I am supposed to…...and learn to have moderate portions of the things that I love and really focus again on being OP the best I can….week to week….I would probably get there faster.   Some weeks are harder than others. Some I just breeze through, you know?

So the challenge….the real challenge…is to figure out….how do I get to my goal weight? What will it really take?  I constantly change strategies when I should just stick to the basics.  So I guess that when this challenge is over, I will just go back to the basics.  Back to what worked for me in the beginning.  And see what happens.

Hey….perhaps I am full of greatness that I have yet to unfold……

Onward and downward!!

xoxoKBB 

WOW

I can't even comment.  It wants to send me to the shower bawling.  (( That's where I go for my good hormonal cries )) I can't even breathe.  What a really profound message that a lot of EPers are thinking.

Duck.  I'm like the duck I posted about on my blog the other day.  They look so calm, cool and collected on the surface and under the water they are paddling like hell to stay afloat.

I hope you have a great rest of your week.  You *will* get to goal and get that dress over there   <------      You are an awesome inspiration!  (( Hugs!!  ))

You're Right

I do need to get in more exercise. As much as I hate doing exercise at home, it looks like something I may have to do if I want to take the pounds off. I'm thinking of buying some exercise videos and I need to start working out more. Thanks for the inspiration.

I know those cravings and being so hungry. It usually near TOM or when I'm under a lot of stress. We just have to stop and think to ourselves why we are feeling this way. I really like what you said in your blog today. It was a good one and certainly made me think about my weight loss  journey as well. You'll be in a size 8 in no time.

Oh my!

Did I write that or did you?  Were you inside my head or something?  Of course, you are much more eloquent than I!  I swear, you hit the nail on the head with this one.  Yep, I'm sure EVERYBODY on here can relate. 

The thing about our addiction is that we can't give it up completely.  You know, if you don't eat, you die.  Think about a crack addict.  He gives up crack TOTALLY and gets it out of his system to recover.  He doesn't HAVE to have 3 little hits each day.  (Meals- for us.) 

So, that's why we have that great big file in our file cabinet entitled LIFE IS NOT FAIR!  You just have to put things in that file.  And leave them there.  Because there's nothing you can really do about it.  Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are.  LIFE.  And not always fair.  WHY do we have to ALWAYS watch what we eat?  I don't know.  And, truly, we don't.  It's still a choice.  But I know what I want and I know you want the same thing!  150 baby!  And we are going to do 150 justice.  We are going to be the hottest 150ers around.  LOL!

Have a great Thursday!

I Feel the Same Way

I hear you.  I know that once I reach my goal, the whole journey will have come to an end.  Then what?  I don't know, either.  Maintenance will be harder because we won't be getting all the attention we got when we were losing.  I think that blogging on EP will help enormously - as it seems to now for Shelley, Alexis, Sara, etc. 

I know it is frustrating not being able to eat the way we'd like to, but that doesn't mean we have to give up the foods we love forever.  We just need to eat properly at least 80% of the time and splurge on small portions of what we crave 20% of the time.  Nobody is perfect, and who would ever want to be? 

I enjoyed reading your post today.  I hope the support you receive from other EP members will help.  Have a great day!

Angel

Great post

Boy, that was a great post.  We all think and dream about being at our goal weight, but don't think about living the life of a normal weight person. 

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life when I make a good food choice and DON'T feel the need to define it as such and celebrate it as such.  Just eat it because that is the way I eat, without even a thought?  That would be great.  But it is a lonnnnnng way away for me, way past reaching goal weight.  I'm not sure it is ever possible.  I know that addicts never completely lose the urge.  They may not fight it everyday, but it is there.

Great post.

The golden key

Hey there! You are right we do have alot of the same friends! I would love to add you to my friends list so I can keep tabs on you as well! First, off you look amazing! Your pictures are jaw dropping! You should be proud of how far you have come. You look amazing!!!

I agree with you, we all want that golden key to success, and we can all have it! You work hard every single day and you are strong physically and spiritually. You have the key to success! We all have it, we just have to learn to use it. I agree there will never be a time again where I won't have to think twice about what goes in my mouth. When I was over-weight, I never thought about food as I do now. I ate it, it was comfort and it was good. I never thought about how this could affect my weigh-in or my health. Yes, I won't ever be able to eat whatever I want again, but you have to really think about it. Would you want to stuff yourself with food that we used to eat? At first you think well yeah, who would say no to donuts, cookies, cupcakes etc. Of course I would say yes at first, but then something in the back of you comes tapping at your brain and tells you "no you wouldn't" Look at how good you look, you feel awesome, you look awesome, your body is thanking you with good health.

Healthy eating, fitness, etc is a journey and not a destination. Just remember you will be at this for life. Yes people say that losing weight is hard, but so in maintaining it. Its just as hard, but don't let that discourage you. In fact don't let anything discourage you or get in your way. Take every obstacle that is thrown at you and conquer it! You can do it! I know you can! Look at how far you have come, you are strong, and I think sometimes we get in this situation where we think, well so now what? You just keep on going, give all you give, and pushing through strong and proud. You have all the tools you need, to acchomplish anything in life. You have a whole team of support behind you!

Keep on going, and never, ever give up! Ever!

I hope you have a wonderful Thursday!

GIRL!

FIRST I MUST SAY NICE DRESS!!  CANT W8 2 C U N IT! 

i just wanted to pop in and ck up on you.  I am glad to see that you are still workin everything out.  u know!!??   I am doing well.  Just trying to WORK IT OUT!  =-)  Continue to kick butt there girlie!!  I am waiting for my taste buds to change === I wanna crave broccoli!  ha ha ha ha  love, jen

Hey there!!

Sorry you had such a rough day!!  & really sorry I've been so out of touch lately... trying to be a good girl at the new job.  I know I'm partly to blame for your fear of maintenance...  but really its part of the journey.  Nothing to fear, it has its own challenges, frustrating at times, exciting at other times... I know you understand, you've watched me go through them.   But you know what?? its all totally worth it!!  I believe in myself in ways that I could NEVER have done before I started the journey.. you are partly to blame...lol.... I mean thank you for all the support you give me :)   You have helped me deal with issues, given me an unbelievable friendship I could've never imagined prior to the journey, run in our first 5K together & look we're both running again...its all good!

Love ya!  Roo

oh p.s. you are going to look HOT in that dress!!!!!!!